Health: Today, I learned a few things. One: friends are assholes. Two:...

By Myballshurt - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I learned a few things. One: friends are assholes. Two: under no circumstance do you close your eyes when they ask you to. Three: getting kicked in the balls hurts a lot. FML

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Health

BO Central

Taking stock

Is that a pass then?

By Tall Oaf

Today, my ex of 2 months, who I'm on good terms with, posted an Instagram photo with her new boyfriend, captioned "Love you babe, 4 months have never been sweeter." I've never been good at math, but 4 seems bigger than 2. FML

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By shat - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to the feeling of something crawling up my leg. I threw back the bed sheets and saw it was a cockroach. My dad said my ensuing scream was so girlish that he wondered what the hell my sister was doing in my bedroom. FML

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By evelynn - France

Today, the guy I'm seeing and I were having sex. While I was having my orgasm, he looked at me and said "SHHHH!". FML

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39930

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By Stephanie - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the park for some planking. Trying to find a daring spot, I climbed a tree and laid down on a branch. While I was waiting for my friends to take a picture, the branch gave out. FML

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10522

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By NeverNumberOne

Friendzone 2.0

Today, I finally got the courage to ask my best friend to go on a date with me. She assumed I meant a double date and squealed, "Who's the lucky guy?!" She thought I was her gay best friend for the past year. FML

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4742

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By anon - United States

Today, I found out that the weird lump on my eye is benign. That would be great news but they aren't going to treat it at all. Now I look like I'm high all the time. FML

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28546

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was performing in the musical 'Cabaret'. I was playing a Nazi soldier, swastika armband and all. Someone thought it would be funny to take my real clothes while I was on stage. I had to walk a mile back my house with my costume on. Someone threw eggs at me. FML

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54350

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was working Customer Service at Wal Mart. An elderly lady came to my register to return a pair of white pants. I asked her what was wrong with them and she replied "even when I had underwear on you could still see my pubic hair." The pants had hair on them. FML

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60339

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got a free temporary tattoo of a scorpion in a packet of potato chips and decided to wear it on my wrist. Whilst I was in the shower, I got a shock, thinking it was a spider. I then lost balance and slipped, banging my head on the faucet. FML

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By oopsies - United States

Today, after having sexual intercourse with my boyfriend, we went downstairs to find his parents had come home early and had heard everything. I then received a long scolding from his mother of how I'd disrespected her house. My boyfriend received a high-five and a thumbs-up from his dad. FML

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27781

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By mikep - Netherlands

Today, I asked my mother if she thought my cat was getting fat. She replied "It's not the cat you should worry about". FML

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27238

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By Caz

Today, I got on the Megabus for a 6-hour journey from London to Plymouth. I then realised I'd forgotten to fill up my water bottle and charge my iPod. It's a fully packed, sweaty hot loud coach. FML

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2274

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By Anonymous

Today, the person who bullied me throughout my childhood eventually resulting in me going to therapy and switching schools became my boss. On top of that, he refers to me by the insulting nickname he called me during childhood. It's good to see that growing up hasn't changed him at all. FML

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6023

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By me - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, my father told me to take the car and get some groceries. An hour and a half later, coming home with the groceries, I see the cops all around my house because my dad had called them, thinking that I had run away and stolen the car. FML

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28011

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I started singing and harmonizing with the vacuum cleaner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out the girl I've been fooling around with for two weeks has a boyfriend, who is in jail, and is a member of the Aryan Brotherhood. FML

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40655

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By presente13 - United States

Today, my family and friends decided to throw a surprise party for my 16th birthday. I was so surprised that the shortness of breath triggered a serious asthma attack. FML

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45782

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By StairwayToEvan92

Today, I ran over my third skunk in over 16 days. I should probably return my driver's license to the DMV. FML

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1176

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By Anonymous

Today, I had my end of year physics exam. I wasn't sure about some stuff, so I hid my notes and textbook in the bathroom. Halfway through, I got up, went to the bathroom, and as soon as I picked up the book, forgot what I was looking for. I can't even cheat right. FML

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7761

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By superman21 - Ireland

Today, I'm on the last day of my honeymoon in Ireland. My wife and I have an amazing hotel room and a huge bed. She's passed out drunk and if I even touch her, she needs the bucket next to our bed. So much for finishing our week on a "fun" note. FML

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34212

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By single and not mingling - Canada

Today, my coworker told me she knew about my secret boyfriend because she has a "sixth sense" about these things. I'm too embarrassed to tell her I'm desperately single and the last date I went on was three years ago. FML

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32340

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By Links - United States

Today, a McDonald's employee had to correct my math after counting out $2.37 in change. I'm in AP Calculus and am currently learning how to find the derivative of an inverse of a logarithm. FML

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10040

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad decided that he wanted to start a collection of sporks. They're filling up our car. FML

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24134

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By fucking pissants - United Kingdom

Today, I sold yet another £100 bottle of lotion to a stuck-up teenage fashionista with less brain-power than the yapping bastard of a dog she carried in her arms. She did nothing but brag the whole time about her jewelry, and openly mocked me for only making minimum wage. FML

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31614

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By Holland

Today, my check engine light came on. I took my car to the dealership, to be told it wasn’t an issue, and I would be fine to drive and use my car normally until my appointment in 4 days. Four hours later, my car won’t start 45 minutes from home. I guess a $200 tow bill means I wasn’t fine. FML

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1956

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By JustAnotherTina - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Appropriate?

Today, I got an email. It said, "Everyone hates you. We voted." FML

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By Application - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I asked my boss for a promotion. "You don't work here but I can give you a job application." I've been working here for 8 years. FML

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28637

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I waited tables for the first time at my new restaurant job. I asked a group of older men what they would like. One replied, "A slice of that ass". I'm 19 and a guy. FML

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By Well... fuck me sideways and call me Eustace - United States - Riverside

Today, on my way to work, I hit a pothole about the size of Alabama, bending my wheel and flattening my tire. After changing it and having to explain myself to my furious boss, I went back on that road in my other car to take a picture of the pothole. While looking for it, I hit it again. FML

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By caphis - United States

Today, I got a cross-country job promotion. I decided to plan my Going-Away-Forever party, and bought a pack of 100 invitations. After mailing them out to all my friends, I have 92 left. FML

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59898

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By Thanksalot - United States - Edinburg

Today, I'm staying with my in-laws. My husband is fighting with his dad, who's fighting with his brother-in-law, who's fighting with his wife. The only ones not fighting are my sister-in-law and her boyfriend, who're getting along great on a squeaky mattress in the room next to mine. FML

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52406

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Poole

Today, I managed to break my ankle by running it over with the wheelchair I've used on a daily basis for the last 6 years. FML

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1523

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By yankeeboy123 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her reason? Not enough guys have been liking her photos on Instagram since we started dating. FML

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38552

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By Anonymous - 27/1/2021 02:01

Family heirloom

Today, I got the dress I gave to a tailor to replace a broken zipper back. When I tried it on, I discovered that they’d cut at least 4 inches of fabric, and being skinny, there’s no way I can ever fit into it. It’s from the 1950’s, inherited from my late grandma, who in turn inherited it from her aunt. FML

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By cunting cuntface of a boss - Australia

Today, I had to proofread a document my boss had written. When I pointed out that he spelled "college" as "collage" multiple times, he angrily accused me of trying to make him look stupid. This is the guy who constantly boasts about his "genius" IQ level to the whole office. FML

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42054

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By Anonymous

Today, my stress sweat overpowered my prescription strength deodorant 45 minutes into an 8-hour shift. I don't know who is more miserable, me or my coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1760

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158

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By acnegirl - United States

Today, I was romantically cuddling with my boyfriend. He looked deep into my eyes, stared lovingly at me, and said, "I never noticed, but you have the most adorable freckles on your face..." Blushing, I tilted my head to the side. He then said, "Oh, never mind, those are just your blackheads." FML

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51653

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By Anonymous - United States - Oak Ridge

Today, my mom called me into the living room to say that she had something important to tell me. She then explained how she and my dad had "talked things over" and wanted me to know that they accept me and love me no matter what. Apparently my mom thinks I'm lesbian. I'm not. FML

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34051

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By jigglepuff - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I heard my sister talking to my mom about me, saying that I have the ability to suck the life out of a room like a Dementor. I walked in and asked what she meant by that. My mom replied, "She means you're an asshole." I love you too, mom. FML

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38646

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By Wade - United States

Today, I was sitting under a tree at a park. The dirt felt a little damp, so I assumed it was dew from the night. A homeless man walks over and asks me to move, then starts to pee under the tree, followed by another man. I was sitting in their bathroom. FML

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Top comments

By Wizardo | 33

#5611306 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:44

1. You're gullible as hell 2. Never trust any of your guy friends - guys are assholes 3. Ice them balls brother.

By olpally | 32

#5611310 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:45

After you're done being in pain, kick them in the balls. Bastards.

COMMENTS

By ViRepz | 28

#5611303 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:43

At least the third problem will eventually go away

PuggieKid | 22

#5611439 - Saturday 3 August 2013 17:30

Well, you learn something new everyday! Fbs OP (:

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5611455 - Saturday 3 August 2013 17:50

What are your balls made of? Reinforced steel? Eventually is a long time when your hit there

Ian7890 | 23

#5611691 - Saturday 3 August 2013 20:20

Man #1 you're just full of bad comments today aren't you?

SwaggCapone | 11

#5612267 - Sunday 4 August 2013 6:38

this fml is kind of hard to vote. On one instance its a FYL OP for getting kicked in the balls. On another note its a YDI for closing your eyes when your friends told you to

skittycat213 | 19

#5613116 - Monday 5 August 2013 0:48

#1 not if they were wearing ice climbing boots

By Wizardo | 33

#5611306 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:44

1. You're gullible as hell 2. Never trust any of your guy friends - guys are assholes 3. Ice them balls brother.

Batterypost | 23

#5611333 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:56

Girls tend to be assholes just as much as guys, if not more so.

ViRepz | 28

#5611381 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:28

Everyone knows girls don't poop.

CaiDog | 20

#5611390 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:32

^I fail to see the relevence in this comment.

slappygecko | 21

#5611393 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:34

What you don't know about women.

iAlissa | 34

#5611411 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:54

#26, your ignorance levels are astonishing.

Mossears133 | 15

#5611494 - Saturday 3 August 2013 18:36

Let's just meet in the middle: people are assholes.

Left4UrMum | 6

#5611725 - Saturday 3 August 2013 21:01

#29 It's fun to see the struggle. STRUGGLEWATCH

angeluv_2014 | 22

#5611729 - Saturday 3 August 2013 21:07

I've been called an asshole waaay more times then I've been called a cunt. And most of those came from my friends... very fitting to this FML.

By olpally | 32

#5611310 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:45

After you're done being in pain, kick them in the balls. Bastards.

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#5611403 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:45

Number one should read: MY friends are assholes, because most friends wouldn't do this.

NickKuiper | 8

#5611683 - Saturday 3 August 2013 20:15

^ I'm pretty sure assholery is common among friends. Maybe it's YOUR friends that are breaking the norm.

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#5612301 - Sunday 4 August 2013 7:18

It could be common among males. At least my female friends wouldn't do anything like this, but maybe #53 is right and males are assholes.

zenim | 5

#5612367 - Sunday 4 August 2013 9:18

That's a low blow, even for friends, ESPECIALLY for guy friends. See someone get kicked down there hurts, though not as much as getting kicked down there.

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#5635588 - Tuesday 20 August 2013 11:06

My comment got buried because I have certain standards when it comes to friends. How sad...
If #53 is correct I'm happy that MY friends are breaking the norm.

By PterodactylMan | 23

#5611312 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:45

When you're feeling better you should kick them in the balls

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5611375 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:24

With your eyes closed.

By Olympiakos10 | 15

#5611313 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:45

I don't always close my eyes, but when I do, it hurts, A LOT.

Welshite | 39

#5611329 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:54

Blinking must be excruciating for you.

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5611404 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:47

-.-

fylx100 | 19

#5612350 - Sunday 4 August 2013 8:46

How do you sleep at night? You poor, poor thing. :-/

cadillacgal79 | 32

#5999844 - Sunday 6 July 2014 21:25

@80, obviously he sleeps with his eyes open.

By MistySky | 17

#5611314 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:46

Soo wait, you didn't already know that getting kicked in the balls hurt already? I thought that was like guy 101 or something.. o.o

Welshite | 39

#5611335 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:56

It's actually very pleasant.

hcollins1 | 18

#5611913 - Sunday 4 August 2013 1:37

How was he supposed to know he was going to get kicked in the balls? He's probably that one friend that is gullible.

MistySky | 17

#5612198 - Sunday 4 August 2013 5:44

Lol no I meant something different. He said he 'learned' 3 things today, but he didn't actually just learn that getting kicked in the balls hurts (probably)