Today, I learned a few things. One: friends are assholes. Two:...

By Myballshurt - 3/8/2013 04:31 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I learned a few things. One: friends are assholes. Two: under no circumstance do you close your eyes when they ask you to. Three: getting kicked in the balls hurts a lot. FML

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Health

Everyone's an expert

Vultures

Fairytale ending

By Anonymous - 1/9/2011 07:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that my mum has been texting my ex-boyfriend to tell him what a dick he is. FML

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By feminismlol - 6/4/2012 04:45 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to my first meeting at the university women's group, excited to become a more involved feminist. The first item on the meeting's agenda? The upcoming bake sale. FML

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By hatesmellyfeet - 20/1/2010 13:47 - United States

Today, I boarded my flight and sat next to a man. I told him I had hoped he was a hot woman and he concurred. He said at least I wasn't obese and I replied "At least you aren't smelly". Minutes later I realize he had the most disgusting foot odour ever... the barefoot kind. I suffered for 11 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2012 02:32 - United States

Today, my daughter called me to pick her up at the mall. She said I had to meet her inside a specific store, so I figured she wanted me to pay for something. Turns out I was right, she was being arrested for shoplifting. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/9/2015 06:59 - United States - Wittenberg

Today, my older brother offered me a cigarette. I took it and barely took a drag before he socked me in the arm and lectured me for taking the offer. He's an alcoholic, and smokes daily. FML

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By khaelian - 8/12/2010 11:47

Today, at work, a customer left their cell phone behind. I tried to see if there were any pictures so that I could identify them. No, I still don't know what they look like, but I have seen their penis. FML

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By greek_dancer - 13/7/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I went to the mall and had to parallel park. It took me 10 to 12 minutes of maneuvering before I got into the slot. When I turned off the car and got out, there were 8 people laughing hysterically and clapping for me. FML

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By imanidiot - 19/4/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, I ordered take out, and paid with a credit card. The cute cashier gave me the receipt to sign, and under 'tip' I gave a couple of dollars. I realized that I had given too much, crossed it out, and changed it. Unaware she was watching, She then responded, "Did you just lower the tip by $1?" FML

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By Rush Snake - 5/1/2009 03:57 - France

Today, I tried to play with my Wii using the TV remote. FML

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By NestHead - 1/10/2013 17:32 - Russian Federation - Moscow

Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML

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By ColdMN - 3/2/2011 17:02 - United States

Today, I trying to scrape the ice off my car, but wasn't having much luck. Frustrated, I kicked a clump off from the bumper. The clump didn't budge, but the entire front quarter panel fell off. FML

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By garfwebba - 3/1/2010 01:17 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My boyfriend didn't get me a present. He did, however, get me a card from our cat. He signed it "Have a purrrrfect birthday." Then he left to go to work. I was alone all day long. FML

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By kinlin - 2/6/2018 19:00

Today, an attractive woman looked in my direction and smiled. My wife saw this and stomped on my foot, and I screamed like a little girl from the pain. People turned and stared. FML

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By LaurenLehmmman - 27/12/2010 22:22 - United States

Today, I was singing while lying upside down chewing gum. My dad was trying to focus on the current football game and hushed me. I yelled, "No!" resulting in my gum becoming lodged in my windpipe. I shut up after all. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2018 19:00

Today, I got a promotion because my boss “accidentally” had sex with my wife. FML

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By lyss - 16/2/2014 22:44 - United States - Pottsville

Today, I went to pick up my goddaughter while her mother went to work. She was being fussy, and I was surprised when she was quiet in the car; I just figured she'd fallen asleep. I got to my house and realized I'd never put her in my car, she was still sitting in my friend's driveway. FML

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By fuckbucket14 - 14/4/2012 22:56 - Egypt - Hurghada

Today, I got into an argument with my dad in his hotel room. I lost my temper and stormed out onto the balcony for some fresh air, at which point he decided to lock the door behind me, trapping me there for half an hour while he watched TV. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2009 15:33 - United States

Today, the dry cleaner next to my house went up in flames. I went outside to look at the fire, as I looked on in amazement I realized I had dropped off all of my work clothes at the cleaners two days before. I was supposed to pick them up today but was too lazy to walk the 10 feet to the store. FML

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By sissica - 11/2/2009 23:52 - United States

Today, when my husband got home from work, I was standing in the kitchen, wearing nothing but stilletos. He asked me to make him hot chocolate. FML

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By emisara93 - 23/12/2017 19:00

Today, I chipped my tooth by biting down on my toothbrush. I don't know what hurts more: the irony or the fact I have no dental insurance until January. FML

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By Gonzales - 7/8/2015 19:47 - Belgium - Leuven

Today, my girlfriend said she would give my penis a name: Gonzales. I asked why she wanted to name it that, and she said, "Because he's Speedy." FML

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By dvddtraveller - 22/4/2016 21:25 - United States - Oakland

Today, I went to the local clinic and I met a really cute guy. We hit it off quite well, and he asked me out. It's like The Fault in Our Stars, but instead of cancer, we have STDs. FML

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By me - 8/6/2012 14:00 - United States - Carthage

Today, I was taking a shower. My mom thinks it's ok to just walk in on someone when they are in there so she decides to take a crap. The worst part is she thought it would be less awkward to talk to me. FML

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By sdd - 23/1/2013 15:44 - Switzerland - Lotzwil

Today, I was chatting with my choir leader. I told him that I have been thinking about taking singing lessons. His immediate reaction was, "Thank god, finally!" FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2017 17:09

Today, I got fired from my first-ever job. Via text. I hadn't even started the first day but I'm expected to drive an hour and a half to my now ex-boss's house to return the key. FML

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By anonymous - 24/10/2014 13:47 - Austria - Vienna

Today, while reading 1984 on the train, a cute guy around my age and I got into a great a discussion about the book. Just when I thought he might ask for my number, he got up, patted me on the head and said it's so nice that kids my age still took interest in real literature. I'm 25. FML

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By VoodooPriestess - 4/7/2019 04:00

Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he dated me was because he was lonely, and I looked lonely enough to like him. FML

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By ronniewciv - 30/12/2011 07:48

Today, I was delivering pizza in the rain. A woman answered the door, saw me soaking wet and said, "Wow this rain is terrible, it must be horrible to be out delivering in it." She then tipped me 21 cents. FML

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By angrypetowner - 29/3/2016 03:24 - United States - Warrensburg

Today, I tried to train my cat to scratch the scratching post by giving her a treat every time she used it, but she took that as getting a treat every time she scratched something. Now, not only does she scratch all my furniture, but she also meows for a treat while doing it. FML

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By Ambar - 15/2/2010 17:02 - Canada

Today, I was missing $20 from my wallet, so I decided to ask my sister if she had taken it. Her response? "That reminds me, I need to borrow another 50." She has a job. That was my Christmas money. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2011 17:36 - United States

Today, it was my first day back to school after break. I wasn't feeling well, but I decided to go anyway. I threw up in the hallway and shit myself at the same time. I waited in the office for my dad to come and get me for almost an hour while wearing dirty underwear. FML

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By KBBL - 12/3/2014 16:02 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, at a staff meeting, our boss sighed and asked why I'm always in the meetings instead of my co-worker. I reminded him that it's because I'm the department supervisor, not my co-worker. He wouldn't believe me until he saw it for himself in our personnel files. FML

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By katurday - 3/11/2009 15:59 - United States

Today, my landlord came over while I wasn't home. My friend and her pets were thrown out by her husband. I'm the only person she knows in this state and she begged me to stay. I reluctantly told her fine; just don't answer the door. She did, with the animals, and told him she was living here. FML

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By xswitch74 - 16/3/2015 14:36 - United Kingdom

Today, my ex called me up to suggest that we become friends, only so that she could introduce me to her new boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2013 16:40 - Sweden - Storfors

Today, my brother tried to convince me to get a clitoris piercing at his recently opened piercing studio. FML

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By offrampmotel - 28/3/2017 14:00

Today, my 4-year-old son discovered that he really likes masturbating. So much in fact, that he took pictures of it with my phone. FML

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By UglySister - 2/12/2009 22:27 - United Kingdom

Today, my sister was dumped by her boyfriend. As my mother was comforting her, I overheard her say "Honey, it's okay, you're the pretty one. Think of those worse off than you. Think of your sister, she might never get a boyfriend." FML

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By WorkerBee - 17/3/2019 02:00

Today, I found out I didn't get accepted into a program I was nominated to attend at work that all other applicants with less experience than myself did. I found out when they asked if I had gotten the acceptance email. They didn't even bother telling me I was rejected. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2015 01:26 - United States - Washington

Today, I spent an hour in a snowstorm waiting for my bus to show up. After I got fed up, I decided to just clean off my car and drive to work. After I was halfway finished swiping off the snow and ice stuck to my car, the bus drove right past me. FML

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By Jacky-Boy - 7/8/2009 00:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I was playing songs at a funeral in my church. As the organ wasn't in tune I had to use an electronic piano instead. All was going well until in the end of a speech, I accidentally hit the 'demo' button. None of the grieving relatives were impressed by my drum beats and turntable scratches. FML

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Top comments

By Wizardo | 33

#5611306 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:44

1. You're gullible as hell 2. Never trust any of your guy friends - guys are assholes 3. Ice them balls brother.

By olpally | 32

#5611310 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:45

After you're done being in pain, kick them in the balls. Bastards.

Comments

By ViRepz | 28

#5611303 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:43

At least the third problem will eventually go away

PuggieKid | 22

#5611439 - Saturday 3 August 2013 17:30

Well, you learn something new everyday! Fbs OP (:

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5611455 - Saturday 3 August 2013 17:50

What are your balls made of? Reinforced steel? Eventually is a long time when your hit there

Ian7890 | 23

#5611691 - Saturday 3 August 2013 20:20

Man #1 you're just full of bad comments today aren't you?

SwaggCapone | 11

#5612267 - Sunday 4 August 2013 6:38

this fml is kind of hard to vote. On one instance its a FYL OP for getting kicked in the balls. On another note its a YDI for closing your eyes when your friends told you to

skittycat213 | 19

#5613116 - Monday 5 August 2013 0:48

#1 not if they were wearing ice climbing boots

By Wizardo | 33

#5611306 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:44

1. You're gullible as hell 2. Never trust any of your guy friends - guys are assholes 3. Ice them balls brother.

Batterypost | 23

#5611333 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:56

Girls tend to be assholes just as much as guys, if not more so.

ViRepz | 28

#5611381 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:28

Everyone knows girls don't poop.

CaiDog | 20

#5611390 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:32

^I fail to see the relevence in this comment.

slappygecko | 21

#5611393 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:34

What you don't know about women.

iAlissa | 34

#5611411 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:54

#26, your ignorance levels are astonishing.

Mossears133 | 15

#5611494 - Saturday 3 August 2013 18:36

Let's just meet in the middle: people are assholes.

Left4UrMum | 6

#5611725 - Saturday 3 August 2013 21:01

#29 It's fun to see the struggle. STRUGGLEWATCH

angeluv_2014 | 22

#5611729 - Saturday 3 August 2013 21:07

I've been called an asshole waaay more times then I've been called a cunt. And most of those came from my friends... very fitting to this FML.

By olpally | 32

#5611310 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:45

After you're done being in pain, kick them in the balls. Bastards.

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#5611403 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:45

Number one should read: MY friends are assholes, because most friends wouldn't do this.

NickKuiper | 8

#5611683 - Saturday 3 August 2013 20:15

^ I'm pretty sure assholery is common among friends. Maybe it's YOUR friends that are breaking the norm.

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#5612301 - Sunday 4 August 2013 7:18

It could be common among males. At least my female friends wouldn't do anything like this, but maybe #53 is right and males are assholes.

zenim | 5

#5612367 - Sunday 4 August 2013 9:18

That's a low blow, even for friends, ESPECIALLY for guy friends. See someone get kicked down there hurts, though not as much as getting kicked down there.

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#5635588 - Tuesday 20 August 2013 11:06

My comment got buried because I have certain standards when it comes to friends. How sad...
If #53 is correct I'm happy that MY friends are breaking the norm.

By PterodactylMan | 23

#5611312 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:45

When you're feeling better you should kick them in the balls

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5611375 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:24

With your eyes closed.

By Olympiakos10 | 15

#5611313 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:45

I don't always close my eyes, but when I do, it hurts, A LOT.

Welshite | 39

#5611329 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:54

Blinking must be excruciating for you.

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5611404 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:47

-.-

fylx100 | 19

#5612350 - Sunday 4 August 2013 8:46

How do you sleep at night? You poor, poor thing. :-/

cadillacgal79 | 32

#5999844 - Sunday 6 July 2014 21:25

@80, obviously he sleeps with his eyes open.

By MistySky | 17

#5611314 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:46

Soo wait, you didn't already know that getting kicked in the balls hurt already? I thought that was like guy 101 or something.. o.o

Welshite | 39

#5611335 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:56

It's actually very pleasant.

hcollins1 | 18

#5611913 - Sunday 4 August 2013 1:37

How was he supposed to know he was going to get kicked in the balls? He's probably that one friend that is gullible.

MistySky | 17

#5612198 - Sunday 4 August 2013 5:44

Lol no I meant something different. He said he 'learned' 3 things today, but he didn't actually just learn that getting kicked in the balls hurts (probably)