Health: Today, I learned a few things. One: friends are assholes. Two:...

By Myballshurt - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I learned a few things. One: friends are assholes. Two: under no circumstance do you close your eyes when they ask you to. Three: getting kicked in the balls hurts a lot. FML

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Health

Proactive

Stress level: 2020

Mystery

By nudie - United States

Today, I checked an old photosharing account. I got a new phone last year and didn't realize all the pictures I took with the new phone would still automatically upload to my account. Unknowingly, I posted naked pics of myself online. Not one of my friends told me. FML

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By wowjuststop - United States

Today, I got offered a ride to go home for the weekend. I go to college six hours away from home and haven't seen my family for almost two months. When I called my mom with the good news, she told me not to come. FML

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By impatient amy - Ireland

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. I had bad stomach cramps so I asked if I could use the bathroom. After half an hour, I flushed the toilet, it backs up and floods the bathroom. To make things worse, when I opened the door, I slipped on the wet tiles. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Smyrna

Today, I was driving back home when I saw a yellow object flying off my roof of my car through the side mirrors. I thought nothing of it, then I noticed that I didn't have my phone with me. That's when I realized that the "flying yellow object" was my phone. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, our electric horse fence broke. I turned it off so I could fix it. As I was grabbing the fence, my brother thought it would be hilarious to turn the fence back on. FML

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By TheWriter

Book club gone wild!

Today, during a family gathering, my mom, grandmother, and aunts started talking about an erotic novel they're all reading on Amazon. My cousin asked for the writer's name and I heard my pseudonym in response. My entire family is reading my horribly-written porn. FML

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By frapples1 - United States

Today, I was at a family party and everyone was seeing my new glasses for the first time. My 48 year old uncle told me that I look like a hot librarian and then grabbed my ass. He was still sober. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a really hot guy smacked my ass. I farted. FML

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By bodhimae - France

Today, I was taking a nap on the couch when my 2 year old daughter decided that daddy needed an ear cleaning. With all the grace of toddler-hood, she stabbed me in the eardrum with a Q-tip. Now I can't hear her coming. FML

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By mathesonn - United States - Auburn

Today, out of habit from twelve years of karate classes, I bowed to my teacher as I exited my classroom. My chemistry classroom. FML

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By random - Canada

Today, I was taking a dump in the bathroom. The lights turned off and I was too embarrassed to come out of the stall. The janitor walked in, turned the lights on and asked If anyone was there. I stayed quiet. He turned the lights back off and locked me in the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife went into the bathroom at Walmart. Being almost sure there was no one else in there, I stood around the corner to scare her. As the door opened, I jumped around the corner and scared an innocent woman to so badly she peed herself. FML

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By Sam - Canada

Today, I was working the drive-thru at McDonalds, and as I handed out a Diet coke to the customer, the man started growling and yelled "HULK SMASH!" He smashed the cup with two fists and drove off. I was drenched in soda. FML

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By Sophie - United States

Today, after recently having had surgery, I Iearnt that some extra tissue was needed to cover up the hole in the roof of my mouth. Where did they get this tissue? From a dead person. I now have the flesh of a dead person in my mouth, which by the way is now infected. FML

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By Sylvania - United States

Today, I was playing a medieval game with my brother, when he took all of his character's clothes off and said, "Let's have sex!" I looked at him and said, "UH YOU ARE MY BROTHER!" He turns and looks at me, smiling and says, "But not in the game!" I am a 19 year old girl. He is 12. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was pulling weeds, my dad thought it would be absolutely hilarious to yell "Hey, son!" then unload his gun at me when I turned around. After I'd screamed like a bitch and pissed myself, he broke down into hysterical laughter and said he'd loaded the gun with blanks. Fuck you, dad. FML

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By van no gough - United States - Springfield

Today, I went out with two friends for lunch. The van we took ran out of fuel, so we pushed it to a nearby gas station, a gas station suffering from a gas shortage. FML

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By Anonymous

Today I went in for an STD test. The Q-tip broke off in my urethra. FML

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By Kendal - Canada

Today, I was baking cookies. I stared at them for 15 minutes and finally asked my dad, "Why are these taking so long?" He looked up at the oven and replied, "It might help if you turn the oven on." FML

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By hairybetty - United States

Today, I shaved my legs and armpits for the first time in 6 weeks. Unfortunately, I didn't have a hot date, I just had my yearly gyno exam. FML

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By Ricky - United States

Today, I was home alone and I started to sing Halo by Beyonce. I was starting to get into it and began singing with more passion until the phone rang. It was my neighbor begging me to please shut the hell up. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to the location of me and my wife’s first date, because I miss her and barely get to see her because of our work schedules. Only to see her there on a date. FML

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By Omar Khalaf

Wham!

Today, when I called my 2-year-old son over for a hug, he giggled and squealed as he ran over to me. He then stopped in front of me, punched me in the bollocks, and walked away quite happily whilst I was doubled over in pain. FML

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By dsamanthas - United States - Covina

Today, after being worried for a week because my dog wasn't eating, I paid the vet $120 for her to tell me that my dog doesn't like her dog food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I came home from work to find a burglar in my house. He then said that he was just leaving, and went back out of the broken window. FML

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By krh14 - United States - Crofton

Today, my girlfriend was feeling a little down, so I tried to console her. She said she just needed space and I respected that. Then an hour later she was fine, so I asked how she did it. She replied that she talked to her ex for a whole hour. This is a common procedure. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a new pair of glasses, and was driving home. While waiting at a stop sign, I noticed a homeless guy touching himself. He saw me, smiled and waved, and then continued. So much for my new eyesight. FML

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By missingno007 - United States - Clarkesville

Today, my first day of college, the textbooks I ordered a month in advance still haven't arrived. My first class of the semester is College Readiness. FML

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By coveredupforfun - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I saw my co-worker write about how awful Muslims were and how the religion is stupid, the hijab is oppressive, and how they're a poison on society. When I questioned them about it, they pretty much said that I didn't know anything and should stop talking. I'm Muslim and a hijabi. FML

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By D - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the street when a police officer started walking behind me with his dog. I sped up and tried to cross the road. He took this as suspicious and got the dog to take me to the floor. I've been afraid of dogs since I was 5. FML

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By offendedfemme - United States

Today, I was walking with my husband, holding hands, when a man with a rainbow shirt on came up to us. He said, "I'm so glad that gay men can go out in public without being embarassed nowdays!" He patted me on the back and walked away. I'm a woman. FML

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By Cheyennereed - United States - Shaw A F B

Today, while on my way to the movies, I stopped at a gas station to pick up candy so I could avoid the high prices at the movies. The guy who tore my ticket asked for my purse, confiscated my candy, and then kicked me out of the movie theater. That guy was my boyfriend. FML

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By stairmaster

Today, while attempting to sneak out of my boyfriend's parents' house during my walk of shame, I fell down the stairs, spilling cherry coke all over myself, their walls, and the carpet. FML

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By sarahwittman - United States

Today, my aunt and I went shopping. When we got to the store, she said she forgot her wallet, and I told her I would buy some things for her. When we were at the checkout, I was a dollar short. She said, "Oh, I'll get it!" and pulled out her wallet. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, and gave his little speech, over the phone. He did all this while his ass was firmly planted in a chair in the next room. FML

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By Sad Chef ;( - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. Being a chef of a highly-rated restaurant, I cooked a well-liked dish. Not only did she say no, but commented on how bland and tasteless the meal was. FML

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By mommyopps - United States - Madison Lake

Today, I'm beginning to regret explaining death to my 3-year-old son. We were at the supermarket when he looked at an elderly woman and loudly told her "You're gonna die soon!" FML

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By dykerino - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I cut my hair short and he didn't want people to think he was gay. FML

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By hitintheeye - Canada

Today, before my girlfriend gave me a blow job, she put on goggles. FML

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By Username

Today, I learned that chivalry truly is dead when a seemingly fit man pushed me into a door to get a seat on the train before me. My leg is in a cast. FML

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Top comments

By Wizardo | 33

#5611306 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:44

1. You're gullible as hell 2. Never trust any of your guy friends - guys are assholes 3. Ice them balls brother.

By olpally | 32

#5611310 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:45

After you're done being in pain, kick them in the balls. Bastards.

COMMENTS

By ViRepz | 28

#5611303 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:43

At least the third problem will eventually go away

PuggieKid | 22

#5611439 - Saturday 3 August 2013 17:30

Well, you learn something new everyday! Fbs OP (:

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5611455 - Saturday 3 August 2013 17:50

What are your balls made of? Reinforced steel? Eventually is a long time when your hit there

Ian7890 | 23

#5611691 - Saturday 3 August 2013 20:20

Man #1 you're just full of bad comments today aren't you?

SwaggCapone | 11

#5612267 - Sunday 4 August 2013 6:38

this fml is kind of hard to vote. On one instance its a FYL OP for getting kicked in the balls. On another note its a YDI for closing your eyes when your friends told you to

skittycat213 | 19

#5613116 - Monday 5 August 2013 0:48

#1 not if they were wearing ice climbing boots

By Wizardo | 33

#5611306 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:44

1. You're gullible as hell 2. Never trust any of your guy friends - guys are assholes 3. Ice them balls brother.

Batterypost | 23

#5611333 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:56

Girls tend to be assholes just as much as guys, if not more so.

ViRepz | 28

#5611381 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:28

Everyone knows girls don't poop.

CaiDog | 20

#5611390 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:32

^I fail to see the relevence in this comment.

slappygecko | 21

#5611393 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:34

What you don't know about women.

iAlissa | 34

#5611411 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:54

#26, your ignorance levels are astonishing.

Mossears133 | 15

#5611494 - Saturday 3 August 2013 18:36

Let's just meet in the middle: people are assholes.

Left4UrMum | 6

#5611725 - Saturday 3 August 2013 21:01

#29 It's fun to see the struggle. STRUGGLEWATCH

angeluv_2014 | 22

#5611729 - Saturday 3 August 2013 21:07

I've been called an asshole waaay more times then I've been called a cunt. And most of those came from my friends... very fitting to this FML.

By olpally | 32

#5611310 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:45

After you're done being in pain, kick them in the balls. Bastards.

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#5611403 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:45

Number one should read: MY friends are assholes, because most friends wouldn't do this.

NickKuiper | 8

#5611683 - Saturday 3 August 2013 20:15

^ I'm pretty sure assholery is common among friends. Maybe it's YOUR friends that are breaking the norm.

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#5612301 - Sunday 4 August 2013 7:18

It could be common among males. At least my female friends wouldn't do anything like this, but maybe #53 is right and males are assholes.

zenim | 5

#5612367 - Sunday 4 August 2013 9:18

That's a low blow, even for friends, ESPECIALLY for guy friends. See someone get kicked down there hurts, though not as much as getting kicked down there.

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#5635588 - Tuesday 20 August 2013 11:06

My comment got buried because I have certain standards when it comes to friends. How sad...
If #53 is correct I'm happy that MY friends are breaking the norm.

By PterodactylMan | 23

#5611312 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:45

When you're feeling better you should kick them in the balls

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5611375 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:24

With your eyes closed.

By Olympiakos10 | 15

#5611313 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:45

I don't always close my eyes, but when I do, it hurts, A LOT.

Welshite | 39

#5611329 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:54

Blinking must be excruciating for you.

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5611404 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:47

-.-

fylx100 | 19

#5612350 - Sunday 4 August 2013 8:46

How do you sleep at night? You poor, poor thing. :-/

cadillacgal79 | 32

#5999844 - Sunday 6 July 2014 21:25

@80, obviously he sleeps with his eyes open.

By MistySky | 17

#5611314 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:46

Soo wait, you didn't already know that getting kicked in the balls hurt already? I thought that was like guy 101 or something.. o.o

Welshite | 39

#5611335 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:56

It's actually very pleasant.

hcollins1 | 18

#5611913 - Sunday 4 August 2013 1:37

How was he supposed to know he was going to get kicked in the balls? He's probably that one friend that is gullible.

MistySky | 17

#5612198 - Sunday 4 August 2013 5:44

Lol no I meant something different. He said he 'learned' 3 things today, but he didn't actually just learn that getting kicked in the balls hurts (probably)