Today, I learned a few things. One: friends are assholes. Two:...

By Myballshurt - 3/8/2013 04:31 - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I learned a few things. One: friends are assholes. Two: under no circumstance do you close your eyes when they ask you to. Three: getting kicked in the balls hurts a lot. FML

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Health

Serious times

Toxic parents

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

By stargate25 - 24/7/2015 02:33 - United States - Denver

Today, my wife sent me a Google Calendar reminder for "sex". FML

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By alicia75 - 26/3/2014 23:45 - United States - Elkhart

Today, my teacher told us at least 7 different stories about his cat, Jeremy, and how much he eats. And he wonders why we never get anything done in his class. FML

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By Laviolette - 23/2/2012 22:01 - France

Today, I was preparing dinner for my in-laws for the first time. Nervous, I accidentally spilled the pasta into the sink. With nothing else to prepare, I quickly scooped it all back out. No-one would have been any the wiser, if the kitchen sponge hadn't shown up in the middle of the meal. FML

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By Darkheaven - 17/11/2008 11:27 - France

Today, I was in an online chatroom speaking to this girl that I really hit it off with. She then confided in me that she'd recently been dumped by her boyfriend and that he was a jerk. A little while later, we exchanged photos. It was my ex. FML

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By Tickettoride - 4/5/2013 10:24 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend and I stressed out preparing for our one week holiday. We packed for the whole day, said goodbye to everyone and arrived at the airport quite exhausted after a 45-minute train ride. Turns out our flight isn't until tomorrow. The check-in lady couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2010 13:16 - Malaysia

Today, someone switched my hairspray with bug spray when I didn't notice. I used it. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2019 16:00

Today, my wife stopped halfway through a blowjob to check a notification on her phone for a game. FML

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By waterlogged - 22/9/2010 04:14 - United States

Today, my entire region received record rainfall, with torrential downpours all day and night. Today was also the day I discovered my car's sunroof leaks, when I was greeted with two inches of standing water in my floorboards. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2019 20:00

Drunk dick

Today, my now ex-boyfriend called the cops on me and told them I wasn’t letting him in the house. His keys were in the door, he was just too drunk to unlock it. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2015 15:12 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got into a heated argument with my girlfriend. Not because of anything I did, but because she actually believes that pasteurization is when a pastor blesses a dairy product. "You know, like kosher." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2012 16:41 - United States - Naperville

Today, after careful consideration, I told my wife I really want to have kids. She laughed, until she finally realized I was serious, at which point she flicked me in the balls and said, "Problem solved." FML

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By Lentil - 31/1/2012 13:13 - Australia

Today, I went over to my neighbours' to politely complain about their dog, which had been barking non-stop for hours. This issue has been going on for months, and I finally decided today, of all days, was the day to resolve it. When I got there, they'd just got home from giving birth at the hospital. FML

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By babymine - 9/3/2012 04:45 - United States

Today, I was boarding a plane and a woman's bag started to fall. In the spur of the moment I thrust my arm up to catch it. I didn't catch the bag, but I did catch her boob. I had to sit next to her for the rest of the flight. FML

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By heaventlyassbutt - 30/11/2016 12:45 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it's been two years since I graduated with my master's. It's also been the same amount of time since I've been looking for a job. I got an e-mail yesterday from a company for a telephone interview which I was happy about. The day of the interview, my phone is disconnected. FML

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By ishyboo - 27/2/2016 22:59 - United States - Baraboo

Today, I let my estranged husband move back in with my son and me. Later, his pregnant and underage girlfriend knocked on my door, crying about how her mom kicked her out. I'm such a pushover, they're in my bed and I'm on the couch. FML

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By HoratioNo - 14/8/2013 06:41 - United States - Stockton

Today, I found out that my dad writes really weird and scary slash fiction involving characters from all of the CSI TV show franchises. FML

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By youfuckingdumbassmum - 27/12/2012 23:20 - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, I was texting my mother after my boyfriend broke off our relationship. She offered incredibly supportive replies such as "No, really?" and "Aww, that sucks." before apparently getting bored and claiming she had to go because her "text reception" was breaking up. FML

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By Chelsea - 27/2/2013 22:39 - United States - Aurora

Today, I walked outside to this guy attempting to steal my bike. When I asked him what he was doing he calmly replied, "I'm a bike inspector. You hooked your chain all wrong! This time is a warning; next time it'll be a ticket!" He then threw his full, opened Pepsi can at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2012 17:00 - United States

Today, I went to Hooters for lunch. My food was brought to me by a man. FML

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By fries - 24/11/2013 16:01 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my boyfriend announced to me he was sleeping with another girl via alphabet soup. FML

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By wowsucks - 30/1/2010 09:40 - United States

Today, I realized that the only reason my boyfriend has been coming over to hang out at my house for the past two months is because my little brother has an N64. I have become a third wheel to their mario kart dates. FML

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By brokebackanus - 18/12/2015 14:15 - United States - Detroit

Today, while jailbreaking my dad's phone, I found out the hard way that it's jam-packed full of my mom's nudes. FML

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By sad - 26/2/2010 19:17 - United States

Today, I saw boobs, in person, for the first time. Too bad they were my mom's and I'm 27. FML

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By shaggyberaddy - 5/1/2018 05:00

Christmas Chaos

Today, I spent 15 minutes trying to get my cat out of our seven-foot Christmas tree. Once he was done, he tore about the house and broke the nativity scene, beheading baby Jesus and a wise man in the process. The tree is fucked. FML

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By Abby_gummibear - 19/3/2011 21:04 - United States

Today, at the Mommy and Me dance class that I take my four year old daughter to, the instructor had us do a stretch, telling us to pretend we're mermaids. My daughter said to me, "But you're not a mermaid, you're a whale!" FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2014 02:46 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I'm sick with the worst head cold of my life. For some reason whenever I cough, I also fart. Everyone thinks I'm just trying to cover up flatulence with fake coughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2014 04:55 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my brother and I were talking about Ebola, when he says he would love to have the disease because of how famous it would make him. Plus, his college essays about him "fighting through the disease" would be "phenomenal". FML

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By anonymous-canada - 7/12/2010 05:28

Today, I was working a midnight shift when a guy came in drunk and was trying to get me to come home with him. I said I had a boyfriend. As I said this, my manager, who has no teeth and B.O, said he was my boyfriend. I will never live this down with my co-workers. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2016 16:27 - United States - Bedford

Today, I was working out and doing box jumps. My friend thought it would be funny to kick the box aside as I tried to jump onto it. Now I have 2 broken teeth. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 06:24 - France

Today, my boyfriend sent me a picture of his morning dump because it was heart-shaped. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2014 15:37 - United States

Today, I talked to a girl I like. I tried to make her jealous by telling her I had a "thing" going with another girl. She looked deeply into my eyes and said, "Wait, aren't you gay?" FML

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By lazy pregnant girl - 5/7/2012 19:34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that because he works fifty hours a week, I should be meeting an arbitrary quota of fifty hours of housework, and if I don't, I'm insensitive and ungrateful. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2014 00:51 - United States - Bloomington

Today, my mother locked me out of the house. Why? The dog and her needed some time to talk. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2009 22:53 - Canada

Today, I went our school's football game against their rival team. Before the games started, I got my school's logo painted on my face. After nearly 5 hours of watching the game, I went home to wash the paint off my face, only to find the logo had been sunburned onto my face. FML

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By AidenFromSweden - 6/7/2009 18:41 - Sweden

Today, I come home to find my nephew holding pieces of my new $3,500 Sony Video Camera. He told me he threw it out the window because it was a portal for aliens. FML

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By Bishop - 6/6/2012 14:19

Today, a man on the bus questioned my sexuality for being a male nurse. I asked him what he did and he said he worked in a garage. When I pointed out that I work with sexy nurses all day and he works with sweaty guys, he punched me in the stomach. FML

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By disturbed - 1/6/2014 01:53 - Ireland

Today, I was hit in the face by the placenta of a cow that had just given birth. FML

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By cheese - 26/9/2013 21:31 - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, I summoned the courage to talk to my friends about the money they owe me for my photography services at their wedding. We had agreed on a fair price, but now they're pissed, claiming that I'm being selfish and should consider it my wedding gift to them. FML

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By Tanner_6969 - 11/5/2019 04:00

Today, my boss told me I can't use the computer for entertainment. This coming from the same person who spends hours at a time every day on Facebook and other similar websites. I'm also not allowed to sit down while using the computer, which I use about half of the day. FML

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By WalkTheOtherWay - 1/2/2015 02:29 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was in a heated debate about climate change. I got so flustered that I forgot the word "volcano" and ended up calling them "exploding mountain things". End of the debate. Shame. FML

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Top comments

By Wizardo | 33

#5611306 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:44

1. You're gullible as hell 2. Never trust any of your guy friends - guys are assholes 3. Ice them balls brother.

By olpally | 32

#5611310 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:45

After you're done being in pain, kick them in the balls. Bastards.

COMMENTS

By ViRepz | 28

#5611303 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:43

At least the third problem will eventually go away

PuggieKid | 22

#5611439 - Saturday 3 August 2013 17:30

Well, you learn something new everyday! Fbs OP (:

TheCanucklehead | 22

#5611455 - Saturday 3 August 2013 17:50

What are your balls made of? Reinforced steel? Eventually is a long time when your hit there

Ian7890 | 23

#5611691 - Saturday 3 August 2013 20:20

Man #1 you're just full of bad comments today aren't you?

SwaggCapone | 11

#5612267 - Sunday 4 August 2013 6:38

this fml is kind of hard to vote. On one instance its a FYL OP for getting kicked in the balls. On another note its a YDI for closing your eyes when your friends told you to

skittycat213 | 19

#5613116 - Monday 5 August 2013 0:48

#1 not if they were wearing ice climbing boots

By Wizardo | 33

#5611306 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:44

1. You're gullible as hell 2. Never trust any of your guy friends - guys are assholes 3. Ice them balls brother.

Batterypost | 23

#5611333 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:56

Girls tend to be assholes just as much as guys, if not more so.

ViRepz | 28

#5611381 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:28

Everyone knows girls don't poop.

CaiDog | 20

#5611390 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:32

^I fail to see the relevence in this comment.

slappygecko | 21

#5611393 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:34

What you don't know about women.

iAlissa | 34

#5611411 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:54

#26, your ignorance levels are astonishing.

Mossears133 | 15

#5611494 - Saturday 3 August 2013 18:36

Let's just meet in the middle: people are assholes.

Left4UrMum | 6

#5611725 - Saturday 3 August 2013 21:01

#29 It's fun to see the struggle. STRUGGLEWATCH

angeluv_2014 | 22

#5611729 - Saturday 3 August 2013 21:07

I've been called an asshole waaay more times then I've been called a cunt. And most of those came from my friends... very fitting to this FML.

By olpally | 32

#5611310 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:45

After you're done being in pain, kick them in the balls. Bastards.

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#5611403 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:45

Number one should read: MY friends are assholes, because most friends wouldn't do this.

NickKuiper | 8

#5611683 - Saturday 3 August 2013 20:15

^ I'm pretty sure assholery is common among friends. Maybe it's YOUR friends that are breaking the norm.

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#5612301 - Sunday 4 August 2013 7:18

It could be common among males. At least my female friends wouldn't do anything like this, but maybe #53 is right and males are assholes.

zenim | 5

#5612367 - Sunday 4 August 2013 9:18

That's a low blow, even for friends, ESPECIALLY for guy friends. See someone get kicked down there hurts, though not as much as getting kicked down there.

Ashamed_Sister | 60

#5635588 - Tuesday 20 August 2013 11:06

My comment got buried because I have certain standards when it comes to friends. How sad...
If #53 is correct I'm happy that MY friends are breaking the norm.

By PterodactylMan | 23

#5611312 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:45

When you're feeling better you should kick them in the balls

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5611375 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:24

With your eyes closed.

By Olympiakos10 | 15

#5611313 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:45

I don't always close my eyes, but when I do, it hurts, A LOT.

Welshite | 39

#5611329 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:54

Blinking must be excruciating for you.

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5611404 - Saturday 3 August 2013 16:47

-.-

fylx100 | 19

#5612350 - Sunday 4 August 2013 8:46

How do you sleep at night? You poor, poor thing. :-/

cadillacgal79 | 32

#5999844 - Sunday 6 July 2014 21:25

@80, obviously he sleeps with his eyes open.

By MistySky | 17

#5611314 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:46

Soo wait, you didn't already know that getting kicked in the balls hurt already? I thought that was like guy 101 or something.. o.o

Welshite | 39

#5611335 - Saturday 3 August 2013 15:56

It's actually very pleasant.

hcollins1 | 18

#5611913 - Sunday 4 August 2013 1:37

How was he supposed to know he was going to get kicked in the balls? He's probably that one friend that is gullible.

MistySky | 17

#5612198 - Sunday 4 August 2013 5:44

Lol no I meant something different. He said he 'learned' 3 things today, but he didn't actually just learn that getting kicked in the balls hurts (probably)