Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up to a punch in the balls. FML - FML

By whoslade - United States

Today, I woke up to a punch in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28827

You deserved it

4568

Tweet

Share

Dangling modifier

Serious times

Walk on the wild side

By boyo - United Kingdom

Today, I was visiting my sick grandmother in the hospital when my cousin and I were playing in some empty wheelchairs. After goofing off I said, "They're fun, but I would kill myself if I was in a wheelchair." A little boy rounded the corner and said, "Tell me about it." He was in a wheelchair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13287

You deserved it

81834

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/2/2020 05:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Session done!

Today, I thought it would be fun to have a sex session with my boyfriend. I sent him a suggestive message, and 30 minutes later he texted me back to let me know he was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2159

You deserved it

306

Tweet

Share

By fucked up dad - Romania - Bucharest

Today, after I got turned down for yet another job, my dad glanced up at me and casually remarked that porn is always a stable market. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62271

You deserved it

6620

Tweet

Share

By ilovebigmacs - United States - San Francisco

Today, I spotted an elderly man trying to use the ladder at work. Knowing customers aren't supposed to use these, I went over and helped. Not only did I fall from the ladder, but I landed on the old man's foot, breaking my elbow and fracturing his toe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22706

You deserved it

3160

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at work and I had to take a dump. Since I was the only person in the bathroom, I started singing, "I'm taking a poopy-poop poop poop poop." I was not the only person in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10272

You deserved it

64193

Tweet

Share

By skreweduP - United States

Today, I went on a date with this guy and he was on his phone the whole night. When I got home I checked his facebook since he barely paid attention to me. His status was, "So-and-so is taking out the trash" from mobile posted an hour ago. I got home from my date 30 mins ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41175

You deserved it

3765

Tweet

Share

By ilovekids? - United States - Commack

Today, while I was working at a supermarket, a kid started to cry in line because he couldn't get candy. Since we have free lollipops behind the desk, I gave him one. His mom complained to my manager and said I was grooming her child. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21993

You deserved it

5961

Tweet

Share

By cookiecutter8 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, a guy started complimenting me and calling me beautiful. Halfway through, he burst out laughing and said he couldn't do it. Who needs self confidence, anyway? FML

I agree, your life sucks

25127

You deserved it

1667

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I temporarily got off the bus for the other students to get off, because they push and shove along their way. Then the bus driver closed the door on me and drove off. My laptop was on that bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32423

You deserved it

17165

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Fountain Valley

Today, I decided to go buy myself a dildo to use on my lonely nights. Once at the adult store, I also grabbed a birthday card to make it seem the dildo wasn't for me. At the register, the cashier looked at me and said, "For God's sake, save yourself some money. I already know it's for you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

64402

You deserved it

25354

Tweet

Share

By animelover - Canada

Today, my boyfriend came over while I was babysitting my little brother. He wouldn't stay in bed, so my boyfriend told him,"If you don't stay in bed, the monster will eat you!" I now have to wash my brother's bedsheets, because he was too afraid to get up and go pee. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31586

You deserved it

10777

Tweet

Share

By faaail - Ireland - Cork

Today, while studying for a big test at the library, some idiots started playing hide-and-seek. After putting up with their snorting and giggling for nearly an hour, I finally lost my shit and told them to knock it off. I then got kicked out for causing a disturbance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30753

You deserved it

3942

Tweet

Share

By anon - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I found out that my flatmate wears my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27217

You deserved it

2149

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/8/2020 17:00

Leave me alone

Today, my idea of partying is vacuuming the house. Because that’s the only time when I have a legitimate excuse to wear headphones, listen to music and not be available for my grandma to call out to me because she wants something or other. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1267

You deserved it

125

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. When she saw the ring, she got so excited that she ran to kiss me and it flew out of my hand, over the balcony of our suite, and fell roughly 45 stories straight down. I could feel my wallet screaming as a £4000 diamond vanished into the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3667

You deserved it

473

Tweet

Share

By Jenn - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I had my first astounding orgasm during which I simultaneously shit myself and vomited. So thankful my new partner was present. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5193

You deserved it

598

Tweet

Share

By 2gewd4u - United States

Today, I walked in on my sister sitting on the toilet, trying to use "The Force" to pull over the toilet paper roll sitting on the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24137

You deserved it

4054

Tweet

Share

By my kids smell bad

Today, I got into a screaming match with the mother of my kids. I told her they need to bathe more often. According to her, anything more than once a week is excessive and bad for their skin. My kids play sports and smell like puppies from the pound. She doesn’t care. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2270

You deserved it

179

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my 20 year old daughter started ranting to me about her latest boyfriend's erectile problems. Trying to be a good dad, I told her all I knew about how to get the boy fixed. My wife decided to stick her head in and say, "Listen to your dad, hun. He knows all about this kind of thing." FML

I agree, your life sucks

37657

You deserved it

5728

Tweet

Share

By lachaisse - United States - Vinton

Today, my sisters and I pitched together nearly $500 to send my mom to the spa for Mother's Day. We put the printed sheet with her info into a little box with our card on top. When she opened it, she freaked out and started hugging my dad. Turns out he switched the cards and took all the credit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63051

You deserved it

4111

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia - Chatswood

Today, my husband and I finally agreed on something: marriage counseling. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31937

You deserved it

6222

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Not safe for work

Today, I went to move an intimate, very NSFW Word document to a secure folder on my phone. Instead, I accidentally sent it to a printer somewhere in my office building at work. I don't know which of my 40 coworkers or managers has it on their printer for their arrival tomorrow morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

828

You deserved it

2146

Tweet

Share

By Arniii - United States

Today, it was our class field trip. I got five dollars from ten different people because they wanted me to sit away from them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32334

You deserved it

4986

Tweet

Share

By UTurn

Today, I lost my phone during a hike up Mount Washington. Luckily, it was reported to the office, and they called my wife. Too bad we had already been driving for at least four hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1396

You deserved it

258

Tweet

Share

By unknown - France

Today, my boyfriend told me he hasn't showered since our first date. We've been dating for three weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35112

You deserved it

4787

Tweet

Share

By voyagevoyage - France - Les Montils

Today, I told my neighbor that I was going to Réunion Island on vacation in a few months. She said that she'd always wanted to go there. As a light-hearted joke, I said she should come with me. She's now booked a plane ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38581

You deserved it

22618

Tweet

Share

By Intheway - United States

Today, the guy I've been dating tells me that I need to stop hanging on him in public because it's ruining his game with other girls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51155

You deserved it

6048

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, I turned 17. My parents completely forgot it was my birthday, and when I reminded them, my dad thought it was my 18th. He was ecstatic and mentioned that I can "finally get the hell out." FML

I agree, your life sucks

53379

You deserved it

3445

Tweet

Share

By anonya - United States - Madera

Today, I made the mistake of telling my dentist that my dog died. She spent the next half-hour talking about her pets and how they died. I ended up crying in her dentist's chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23784

You deserved it

3072

Tweet

Share

By limping - Canada

Today, in revenge for being grounded for bullying a kid at school, my eight-year-old son flung a handful of Lego in my path as I walked barefoot into the kitchen. I'm still in pain. 5ML

I agree, your life sucks

46579

You deserved it

9039

Tweet

Share

By icefly - United States - Orlando

Today, I've owned my dream car for 11 days. Someone backed into it while it parked at work, and drove away without leaving a note. A man at a nearby business knows who did it but won't tell me because it was one of his customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16314

You deserved it

1062

Tweet

Share

By gimmeabreak0_o - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend and thought it would be cool to rip off my shirt while we were making out. It wasn't. Her bed was under a bookshelf and my shirt didn't even come off. I busted my head while she busted up laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15225

You deserved it

38614

Tweet

Share

By Justcan'twin

Today, at 5:30 on a Sunday, I noticed my tire had a bubble in it. I found a tire shop 15 minutes away that would be closing at 6pm and made it there in time, but the shop had closed early. I left to try and make it to the next one and had a blow out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2464

You deserved it

277

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Wallingford

Today, I was mugged. I saw a cop car in the aftermath and flagged it down. Unfortunately, when the cops stopped the mugger, he said he'd been running away because I tried to mug him. Apparently the fact that he was "well-dressed" and I wasn't means he was telling the truth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44953

You deserved it

3144

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 09:01

Walked into that one

Today, I stopped by McDonald's with my brother. I asked him what he wanted and I repeated his order. The lady said, "We don't have that here." I stupidly answered, "That's weird. We have it where I come from," and she replied, "Where did you come from honey, 1995?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

1035

You deserved it

504

Tweet

Share

By Madokami - United States - Kingston

Today, a customer became irrationally angry and called me a "stupid bitch", all because she couldn't use the coupon clearly marked "30% off grocery items" on a prescription from our pharmacy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6648

You deserved it

349

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Castleford

Today, is the start of the third month that I prayed I would be fired, just so I didn't have to quit because I hate awkward conversations. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28804

You deserved it

8550

Tweet

Share

By Brightbulb - United States

Today, I went to work feeling great. I'd just paid off my student loans and was planning a trip to see friends in Italy. I left work unemployed because a fraud case I exposed 3 years ago got the company sued for slander. It was thrown out because everything was fact. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3684

You deserved it

327

Tweet

Share

By Sad Student - Canada - Toronto

Today, as usual, I stress ate. After having my exams prolonged for an extra week, I ate three extremely large packs of Skittles, and then threw them all up. Taste the rainbow, puke the rainbow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42559

You deserved it

15994

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/6/2020 23:01

Traditional values

Today, the seemingly normal guy I've been dating for a while told me he is a wolf spirit in a human body to bridge the gap of his ancestors and humans. What?! FML

I agree, your life sucks

1302

You deserved it

155

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By kgurlswag | 9

#4627319 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:36

Am I the only one wondering why?!

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4627350 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:39

Why? Who? Where? How?

Why: You have no luck (hence the FML)
Who: A turtle named Henry (the attacker)
Where: Probably a bed of sorts
How: Falcon punch by Henry's flipper.

All questions answered.

COMMENTS

By kgurlswag | 9

#4627319 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:36

Am I the only one wondering why?!

Reply

reallytho3 | 11

#4627456 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:52

Thts just how the ball bounces sometimes ya know...

Reply

PrimeEvilTahir | 23

#4627473 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:54

Sorry OP... Sorry... Uhm that was actually me - I was testing out my crotch-ing tiger ninja move....

Reply

FurryPride | 9

#4627524 - Thursday 28 June 2012 23:00

Great alarm clock you have there. Where can I get one?

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#4627636 - Thursday 28 June 2012 23:28

Nothing says good morning like a punch in the balls!

Reply

romesh17fml | 8

#4627763 - Thursday 28 June 2012 23:57

Well, you did wake up... Some fmls have that they didn't wake up and missed something

Reply

mylifesucks_fml | 1

#4627858 - Friday 29 June 2012 0:27

does anyone else feel like there may have been a reason to it that OP is leaving out just for sympathy?

Reply

ThisIsMyReign | 4

#4628388 - Friday 29 June 2012 2:36

That happened to me to wake up for warped tour. :(

Reply

jojimugo | 20

#4628394 - Friday 29 June 2012 2:37

Am with #1 This story is incomplete it's missing some crucial details

Reply

pokefan813 | 16

#4628883 - Friday 29 June 2012 5:27

32 - at www.steralizeMe.com

Reply

sirsquab | 12

#4629688 - Friday 29 June 2012 10:15

Honestly, some things are funnier without context.

Reply

bernardbrown | 7

#4630313 - Friday 29 June 2012 16:40

Maybe "I got punched in the balls" is enough of an FML.

By Thisismypchere | 8

#4627320 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:36

I hope this is ending up on YouTube!

Reply

Inheritance | 10

#4628974 - Friday 29 June 2012 6:13

This is Tosh.O shit right here OP!

Reply

ibenj | 1

#4629571 - Friday 29 June 2012 9:43

Oooh bollocks!

Reply

Inheritance | 10

#4630306 - Friday 29 June 2012 16:38

93 I think you mean ballocks

By CaramelMacchiato | 13

#4627324 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:37

Ouch! Right in the baby maker D:

Reply

AlphaPrice | 7

#4628669 - Friday 29 June 2012 4:05

That's one way to wake up

By Zachthejoker | 10

#4627344 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:39

No kids for you!

Reply

reallytho3 | 11

#4627628 - Thursday 28 June 2012 23:27

Good old fashioned birth control

Reply

icrest80 | 4

#4628134 - Friday 29 June 2012 1:21

Yes, much more effective than IUD

Reply

mea_iloveskiing | 26

#4628169 - Friday 29 June 2012 1:31

No soup for you!

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4627350 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:39

Why? Who? Where? How?

Why: You have no luck (hence the FML)
Who: A turtle named Henry (the attacker)
Where: Probably a bed of sorts
How: Falcon punch by Henry's flipper.

All questions answered.

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#4627453 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:52

When?

Reply

JustKittyKat | 24

#4627461 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:52

Wonderful explanation!
But, turtles do not have flippers. :P

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#4627482 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:54

He has a rare Balmasian Sea Turtle. It's the only explanation.

Reply

im_too_pro | 2

#4627684 - Thursday 28 June 2012 23:42

Best comment in a long time! Captain falcon would be proud!

Reply

taboolovers | 0

#4628357 - Friday 29 June 2012 2:31

23- Sea turtles do.

Reply

ApologyKick | 25

#4628662 - Friday 29 June 2012 4:05

20- surprisingly, the FML actually does answer your question. Hence the "Today," all FMLs must follow.

Reply

thejuice1234 | 0

#4630378 - Friday 29 June 2012 17:23

Wtf?

By FML_Master2133 | 6

#4627372 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:42

That has got to be pleasant. Maybe you should greet him with a punch to the face.

By borkchop1992 | 15

#4627378 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:43

I once created an alarm clock that woke you up that way, but i got arrested

By MrFuzzles | 5

#4627381 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:43

I hope you retaliated as soon as your balls felt better.

By PerfasarusRex | 3

#4627383 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:43

Today you woke up unable to have kids. Sorry bro.

By Abbyybba | 0

#4627388 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:44

Nothing like bruised testicles to start the day.