Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up to a punch in the balls. FML - FML

By whoslade - United States

Today, I woke up to a punch in the balls. FML

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Commando

Our house, in the middle of our street

It's called being a wage slave

By I hate that game - United Kingdom - Wigan

Today, I was playing monopoly with my boyfriend and a few friends. After I bankrupted my boyfriend, he turned to me and said, "I fucked your best friend last night, so who really won?" I turned to the best friend in question, she looked at the board and said, "I'd like to buy a house please." FML

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By jeph23 - United States

Today, after picking up my 6 year old from school, he says, "Drew said his dad could beat you up." I told him that he needs to respect his own father more and stand up for me! I get home, look up his class roster and low and behold, Drew's dad beat me up in Jr. High. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on my first date in nearly a year. A few minutes into the meal, he called me "scrumptious" and made animal noises for the rest of it. FML

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By alone - China

Today, I was sent home from work early because of structural issues. I walked in on my unemployed boyfriend cuddling another woman on the couch. When I confronted them, he freaked out and kept trying to convince me that I was dreaming. I don't know what I ever saw in this loser. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I hit it off with a girl at a club and I brought her back to my place. I was sure I was finally going to score, until my useless cat attacked her as we walked upstairs. She fell down the stairs and dislocated her ankle. Just my luck. FML

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By panicked headaches - United States - East Lansing

Today, I started taking my anxiety meds. Without them I can't function because I'm constantly fighting off panic attacks, but with them I can't function because I get crippling headaches and heartburn and feel tired all the time. FML

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By miewann - United States - Mount Holly

Today, I got fired from my new waitress job after 2 shifts. They said I wasn't experienced enough to handle the fast pace. I thought I'd been doing well so I asked my friend who works there what really happened. Apparently not showing my boobs enough at a family place was grounds for dismissal. FML

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By fml9124

Quick reflexes

Today, my girlfriend's 8-year-old daughter decided that I'm going to marry her mom and send her to an orphanage. I blurted out, "Marriage?! No one's talking about marriage!" Now my girlfriend is mad at me, and her daughter is still scared of me. FML

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By Dkim620 - United States

Today, I was running on the treadmill at my local gym when I saw a girl I like a lot. I called out to her to say hi. As she was coming over, I accidentally stepped on the belt with one foot, crashed down on the treadmill, and continued to slide down in front of her, emerging with a gashed knee and arm. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I went to a haunted show restaurant. I needed the toilet badly, but they were inside the building, which could only be gotten to via a ghost train. The footage of me peeing myself in terror on the train was played on a big screen inside, in front of a crowd of onlookers. FML

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By sophhiee - United States

Today, I was over at a friend's house for a party. I was trying to strike up a conversation with one of my cute guy friends, so I showed him this funny picture of me that my friend took. His reply was "Hahahaa those Fatbooth pictures are hilarious!" It wasn't a Fatbooth picture. FML

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By dating a pussy - United States - Maryville

Scream

Today, I was watching TV, when I heard a blood-curdling scream from my boyfriend upstairs. It sounded like he was being murdered with a rusty fork, and I rushed to see what the hell was going on, hitting my shin against the stairs in the process. He'd stubbed his toe. FML

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By romantic84 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend told me how she loves when I kiss her out of the blue. I don't have the heart to admit I only do it so I can get some peace and quiet for a few seconds. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I informed my parents that my husband and I are separating after much deliberation. We came to this conclusion relatively peacefully. According to my parents, I'm now Satan, and will end up on the streets as a crack whore if we don't change our minds and stay together. FML

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By John Doe

Shaving!

Today, my girlfriend told me that if I shaved, my penis might seem bigger. FML

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By Nell - United States

Today, as I was going to bed, I spotted a man staring at my window from a neighbor's yard. Ten minutes later, he was still there. I freaked out, started crying, and contemplated calling the cops. My creeper turned out to be the neighbor's wooden lawn ornament. FML

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By Snow - United States

Today, my mother informed me that I am not allowed to drive in snow. I live in Minnesota. FML

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By Sleeping moody - United States - Hollywood

Today I went to my sleep therapist; I sleep 8 hours a night, but I'm still very tired during the day. I'm divorced, so we decided that I would record myself sleeping to see if I might be snoring. We listened to the tape. Not only was I snoring very loudly, I cry all night in my sleep. FM

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I woke up with this terrible toothache and called my mother for a lift to the dentist. This super-dentist-chick enters in and says: "Nice to meet you, your mother just told me you're afraid of dentists?" I'm 29. FML

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By BatWife - United States - New London

Today, my husband cleaned out our fireplace and found a very dead, mummified bat. After chasing me around the house with it, he set it atop the mantel. He refuses to get rid of it, and calls it "Henry". FML

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By no, YOU raised him - United States - Concord

Today, I asked my 5-year-old son how school went today. He sighed and said "Fuck off, dad." I thought kids only became such colossal douchebags in their teens. FML

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By ihatelaura - United States

Today, I had to clean my boyfriend's puke off of our bed. Last night he ditched me to go out partying, came home, threw up, and passed out. He thinks it's only fair I clean up today because he's "not feeling well". FML

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By GreatAim - United States

Today, I was at my friends house for the first time in months. I saw her newest chihuahua dog, Mickey, and he was excited that new people were over. I picked him up and slightly bounced him in the air. Because of the bounce and his excitement, he peed a little bit, straight into my eye. FML

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By axewoman

Today, my dad told me someday I'll find a man who wants a nice lumberjack for a wife. FML

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By ramble ramble - United States - Monroe

Today, I was taking a leisurely stroll through the woods in the nice cool weather, when a mountain biker came out of nowhere and tore past, barely missing me. As I counted my luck, another biker followed the first and crashed right into me. FML

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By Superdumb

Today, my boyfriend and I were talking about sex and I asked him if he had ever finished inside a woman. He looked directly into my eyes and said, "Babe... I have a son, remember?" Yeah, I forgot. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Burnham

Today, I found out why my bank balance is so unusually low. It turns out that I bought a car in Indonesia. I've never been to Indonesia. FML

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By Hairy Cheek - United States - Columbia

Today, I was at work and caught my pants on the corner of the door hinge. They tore completely open and my hairy cheek was exposed for the whole office to see. FML

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By lovealways22 - United States - Littleton

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up after three years. I came home and when my dad asked what was wrong, I told him. His first reaction was, "Well damn it. Who'll go fishing with me now?" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Burlington

Today, I went to a hockey game. While warm-ups were happening, my favourite player pointed at me and tossed me a puck. It bounced off my hand into another girl's, who was a fan of the other team. She refused to give it back, then walked away and said, "I can't wait to sell this on eBay." FML

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By creimers - 1/7/2020 23:01

Tis the season

Today, my mom forbade me from taking any allergy medicine, because she is afraid that I'll turn into a meth addict. I have horrible allergies and can barely see or stop sneezing without them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Shelbyville

Today, my boyfriend saw a YouTube video of a guy throwing boiling water into the cold air, with the water immediately turning to ice and vapor. He copied it, but only succeeded in dousing himself with boiling water, then making me drive his idiot self to the hospital. FML

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By sickkid - United States

Today, I found out that my dad hides his Viagra from my mom by keeping it in an Aspirin container. Now I have a terrible headache and a boner. FML

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By WaffleMan - United States - Stirling

Today, I was in a business meeting. I was giving a Powerpoint presentation to my boss and a few other associates. Then a notification popped up in the middle of my presentation reminding me that I needed to renew my pornhub subscription. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend kept trying to convince me to do anal with him. After denying him several times he told me "Why it feels good, trust me." I asked him how would he know. There was a long awkward silence when he then replied with "I'm not gay I swear." FML

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By tessamarque - United States - Bartlesville

Today, I watched my cat walk to her litter box, look at it, then walk across the room to pee on a backpack. FML

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By Addison - Canada - Kingston

TMI FML

Today, my sister was "sexting" her boyfriend over Apple messages. Since we share an iTunes account the messages appeared on my iPod. Apparently, he shouldn't be silly, and should wrap his willy. FML

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By erika - United States

Today, I got a sunburn all over my stomach from a tanning bed. In an attempt to relieve the itching, I looked up natural treatments since we have no aloe. After trying yogurt, milk and mayo I found out that our water was shut off so the shower could be fixed. I now reek of mayo and milk. FML

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By fckdorms - United States - Columbia

Today, like every other day, my roommate's alarm began to go off at 7:30am. What time does she have to wake up? 10:00am. Why does she have her alarm go off for two and a half hours? Because last semester she needed it to go off then and she is too lazy to change it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Leandro

Today, I had to share my room with my cousin while she stayed over. I let her take my bed while I slept on the floor. Not only do my back and neck hurt, but I had to clean vomit out of my hair. Apparently, she "wasn't feeling well" last night. FML

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Top comments

By kgurlswag | 9

#4627319 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:36

Am I the only one wondering why?!

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4627350 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:39

Why? Who? Where? How?

Why: You have no luck (hence the FML)
Who: A turtle named Henry (the attacker)
Where: Probably a bed of sorts
How: Falcon punch by Henry's flipper.

All questions answered.

COMMENTS

By kgurlswag | 9

#4627319 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:36

Am I the only one wondering why?!

Reply

reallytho3 | 11

#4627456 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:52

Thts just how the ball bounces sometimes ya know...

Reply

PrimeEvilTahir | 23

#4627473 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:54

Sorry OP... Sorry... Uhm that was actually me - I was testing out my crotch-ing tiger ninja move....

Reply

FurryPride | 9

#4627524 - Thursday 28 June 2012 23:00

Great alarm clock you have there. Where can I get one?

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#4627636 - Thursday 28 June 2012 23:28

Nothing says good morning like a punch in the balls!

Reply

romesh17fml | 8

#4627763 - Thursday 28 June 2012 23:57

Well, you did wake up... Some fmls have that they didn't wake up and missed something

Reply

mylifesucks_fml | 1

#4627858 - Friday 29 June 2012 0:27

does anyone else feel like there may have been a reason to it that OP is leaving out just for sympathy?

Reply

ThisIsMyReign | 4

#4628388 - Friday 29 June 2012 2:36

That happened to me to wake up for warped tour. :(

Reply

jojimugo | 20

#4628394 - Friday 29 June 2012 2:37

Am with #1 This story is incomplete it's missing some crucial details

Reply

pokefan813 | 16

#4628883 - Friday 29 June 2012 5:27

32 - at www.steralizeMe.com

Reply

sirsquab | 12

#4629688 - Friday 29 June 2012 10:15

Honestly, some things are funnier without context.

Reply

bernardbrown | 7

#4630313 - Friday 29 June 2012 16:40

Maybe "I got punched in the balls" is enough of an FML.

By Thisismypchere | 8

#4627320 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:36

I hope this is ending up on YouTube!

Reply

Inheritance | 10

#4628974 - Friday 29 June 2012 6:13

This is Tosh.O shit right here OP!

Reply

ibenj | 1

#4629571 - Friday 29 June 2012 9:43

Oooh bollocks!

Reply

Inheritance | 10

#4630306 - Friday 29 June 2012 16:38

93 I think you mean ballocks

By CaramelMacchiato | 13

#4627324 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:37

Ouch! Right in the baby maker D:

Reply

AlphaPrice | 7

#4628669 - Friday 29 June 2012 4:05

That's one way to wake up

By Zachthejoker | 10

#4627344 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:39

No kids for you!

Reply

reallytho3 | 11

#4627628 - Thursday 28 June 2012 23:27

Good old fashioned birth control

Reply

icrest80 | 4

#4628134 - Friday 29 June 2012 1:21

Yes, much more effective than IUD

Reply

mea_iloveskiing | 26

#4628169 - Friday 29 June 2012 1:31

No soup for you!

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4627350 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:39

Why? Who? Where? How?

Why: You have no luck (hence the FML)
Who: A turtle named Henry (the attacker)
Where: Probably a bed of sorts
How: Falcon punch by Henry's flipper.

All questions answered.

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#4627453 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:52

When?

Reply

JustKittyKat | 24

#4627461 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:52

Wonderful explanation!
But, turtles do not have flippers. :P

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#4627482 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:54

He has a rare Balmasian Sea Turtle. It's the only explanation.

Reply

im_too_pro | 2

#4627684 - Thursday 28 June 2012 23:42

Best comment in a long time! Captain falcon would be proud!

Reply

taboolovers | 0

#4628357 - Friday 29 June 2012 2:31

23- Sea turtles do.

Reply

ApologyKick | 25

#4628662 - Friday 29 June 2012 4:05

20- surprisingly, the FML actually does answer your question. Hence the "Today," all FMLs must follow.

Reply

thejuice1234 | 0

#4630378 - Friday 29 June 2012 17:23

Wtf?

By FML_Master2133 | 6

#4627372 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:42

That has got to be pleasant. Maybe you should greet him with a punch to the face.

By borkchop1992 | 15

#4627378 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:43

I once created an alarm clock that woke you up that way, but i got arrested

By MrFuzzles | 5

#4627381 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:43

I hope you retaliated as soon as your balls felt better.

By PerfasarusRex | 3

#4627383 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:43

Today you woke up unable to have kids. Sorry bro.

By Abbyybba | 0

#4627388 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:44

Nothing like bruised testicles to start the day.