Today, I woke up to a punch in the balls. FML - FML

By whoslade - 28/6/2012 17:36 - United States

Today, I woke up to a punch in the balls. FML

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Toxic parents

Great speech, thanks!

Clocked

By Oh hello there - 17/6/2018 01:30

Today, I accidentally left my Nintendo 3DS at the barbershop, so I rushed back to get it. The 60-year-old barber had destroyed it with a hammer, saying it was a weapon of the devil. I was gone 5 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2014 09:05 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, I got fired from my job. Why? Apparently taking 10 minutes to take a shit is too long for some people. FML

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By hate - 6/7/2017 11:58

Today, I spent 2 hours scrubbing puke off the dishes in the kitchen. Why? Because my moronic flatmate was dared by his equally moronic friend to drink a bottle of castor oil and then eat an entire jar of marmite. As a result, he projectile vomited all over all the dishes and left me to clean up. FML

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By lois2lane - 23/12/2009 07:15 - United States

Today, a car was tailgating and honking at me while trying to pass me, so I decided to be a bitch back and go extremely slow. We got to a two lane road and the car passed me up. The man in the front seat flipped me off while pointing to his wife in the back seat who was clearly in labor. FML

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By college will be fun they said - 15/9/2017 19:30 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I was running late to class and slipped down a staircase. Not only did nobody help me, but when I got up I noticed an old man staring at my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2010 12:17 - United States

Today, I found out I can sneak out of my house... but not back in. FML

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By lageste - 20/11/2008 04:37 - France

Today, while I was out, I was having a drink with a pretty girl. She started looking at my crotch and said, smiling, "There's something burning down there." I smiled, but she insisted. Ashes had set my trousers on fire. FML

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By WellOops - 18/7/2018 05:00

Today, my boyfriend crashed his car while I was giving him road head. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2012 02:32 - United States

Today, my daughter called me to pick her up at the mall. She said I had to meet her inside a specific store, so I figured she wanted me to pay for something. Turns out I was right, she was being arrested for shoplifting. FML

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By Jessica - 19/10/2012 01:57 - United States

Today, I got a job babysitting two really sweet kids. When their parents left, they told me that their cat had died. I told them how sorry I was, to which one of them replied, "That's okay. We still have him in a box. Wanna see?" FML

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By lonelyashell - 2/3/2010 20:04 - United States

Today, I realized that over the course of this winter, there have been more snow days in Atlanta than days in which I have ever been on a date. FML

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By Matchtopia - 18/1/2012 00:21 - United States

Today, I was addressed by name by the liquor store clerk. I've never told him my name. He's just seen my ID many times. FML

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By j0hn - 23/2/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I saw my mom sneaking meat into her spaghetti sauce. She told me she sneaks meat into most of the food she cooks. I've been a vegetarian for 8 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2014 12:09 - South Africa - Pinetown

Today, my little brother learned about mortality when our dog died. Since then, he's gone a little nuts and keeps ranting that he sees no point as to why our other dog should live. He's 16. FML

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By evenpoorer - 16/3/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, I was excited to start my new job. It was only when I was leaving after a long 8 hour day did I realize all of the personal documents I had I brought in for paperwork had been stolen. I am now down a passport, social security card, and wallet. Great first day. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2010 03:03 - Korea Republic of

Today, I met my boyfriend's very strict and traditional Korean parents. I had to listen to them while they called me a skank and how I was fat and ugly compared to nice, pretty, Korean girls. They don't know I speak Korean. FML

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By insulted - 15/11/2011 17:48 - Canada

Today, I was denied membership to an all-women's gym. Why? Because "men are not permitted to join". I am and have always been female. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2013 21:29 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I caught my sister eating crayons. She's 19. FML

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By Whosthegroom - 13/5/2011 01:09 - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent out a mass text to everyone on her contact list. She's getting married in a month. I didn't propose to her. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 00:01

Is it slander or libel?

Today, I posted a review, on a strictly anonymous site, about a doctor I went to see for my anxiety but who actually made me worse. A while later, the same doctor called my home phone, addressed me by my full name and threatened to sue me for slander if I didn't take down the review. All of which was 100% true. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2013 00:21 - United States - Matteson

Today, my girlfriend decided to wake me up from a nap by kissing me. I started kissing her back passionately, when she slapped me. Apparently, kissing her back automatically without "confirming her identity" counts as cheating. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2019 22:00

Today, I found out that my mother has been telling everybody that I’m a lesbian, because both of her best friends have at least one gay child each, and she was feeling left out. This explains why people have been treating me differently the last few weeks. FML

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By that girl has a beard - 4/8/2015 07:33 - Canada

Today, I went to the movies. A really cute girl sat beside me. I tried to strike up a conversation with her until she turned to look at me and I realized he was a guy. I couldn't even finish the movie because I felt his judging eyes burn holes into me the entire time. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2009 00:22 - United States

Today, I went to donate blood for the first time. When they stuck the needle in my arm, I had a panic attack and begged that they take it out. The woman helping me told me she'd take it out in a moment and left. It was then that the Red Cross stole a pint of my blood while I had a panic attack. FML

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By Funnymann - 22/1/2010 20:51 - United States

Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML

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By - 9/1/2017 23:42

Today, I was the last to go upstairs, so I had to turn off the lights. My tired brain decided to use my phone flashlight to check if all the lights were out. FML

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By >_< - 30/8/2013 22:56 - United States - Richmond

Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. They thought it'd be hilarious to put on ridiculous accents and act like country hicks, spewing obscenities and strongly hinting that we're into incest. She soon left in disgust. I haven't heard back from her since. FML

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By see lie - 31/7/2019 16:00

Today, we recently found out I'm infertile, and I thought we were both devastated, until my partner posted a drunk video to Facebook, basically celebrating that we will never have, "crying, nappy-shitting, soul-sucking, bank account-draining little sods." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2014 20:09 - United States

Today, I felt a horrible pain while having sex with my wife, and I had to stop. I thought it was a hernia or something, but she called me a liar and accused me of everything from not finding her attractive, to me cheating on her. It turned out I had appendicitis. She still won't apologize. FML

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By rashree - 13/2/2010 01:34 - United States

Today, my long-distance boyfriend told me that he was going to pee on me to "mark his territory." When I told him that it was disgusting, he said, "last time, I just peed on you in the shower." FML

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By Creeped - 27/9/2012 08:19 - United States

Today, I'm hiding from my creepy next-door neighbor. She constantly trash-talks my partner of two years, she's mentally unstable, looks to me for support, has a raging crush on me, and she drunkenly tried to make out with me last weekend. I'm two months older than her daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2011 14:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent thirty minutes in the shower trying to remove "Pierre", a face complete with moustache that my girlfriend drew in sharpie on the tip of my cock. FML

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By VoiceMail - 9/4/2011 12:53 - Australia

Today, when I picked up my repeat subscription of anti-anxiety medication, they had changed the packaging to be more 'child safe'. Now it's so hard to get the pills out that I had an anxiety attack trying to take one. FML

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By GetMoney - 1/10/2009 01:22 - United States

Today, I realized that 6 months ago I signed up for a 3 day trial for a porn website that turns into a $30 membership after 3 days. I completely forgot the day after and never viewed it. I've spent $180 so far. And I can't remember my password. FML

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By choup - 7/11/2008 21:02 - Australia

Today, I went to have a drink with my friend. On the way I withdrew 20 bucks and when I arrived at the bar I realised I had taken my credit card but not the banknote. FML

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By SweeT - 25/10/2008 16:55

Today, I tried to pick up two girls by asking them what time it was. They burst out laughing. FML

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By sonofaneuroticwench - 20/8/2014 20:08 - United States - Rice Lake

Today, my dad and I got into an argument, and he ended up calling me a son of a bitch. My mom heard and started arguing with him over him calling her a bitch. Three hours later, I'm now staying at my gran's house with my mom and hoping her threats of a divorce weren't for real. FML

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By Miss_Blaine - 29/6/2016 20:05 - United States - Houston

Today, I learned that my husband and I share the same taste in men. FML

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By scared for life - 29/1/2012 16:23 - United States

Today, I got to listen while my grandma, who has dementia and therefore a poor memory, explained to me why the old man on TV was a sex god. She forgot everything once she said it. I got to listen to her explanation five times over. FML

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By WTF - 30/12/2011 07:10 - United States

Today, I have to choose between getting a cellphone contract that I need, or a TV that I don't even want, but which my flatmates insist I contribute towards. The same flatmates who eat all my food. This increased grocery bill has left me unable to afford either the phone or TV. FML

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Top comments

By kgurlswag | 9

#4627319 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:36

Am I the only one wondering why?!

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4627350 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:39

Why? Who? Where? How?

Why: You have no luck (hence the FML)
Who: A turtle named Henry (the attacker)
Where: Probably a bed of sorts
How: Falcon punch by Henry's flipper.

All questions answered.

COMMENTS

By kgurlswag | 9

#4627319 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:36

Am I the only one wondering why?!

Reply

reallytho3 | 11

#4627456 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:52

Thts just how the ball bounces sometimes ya know...

Reply

PrimeEvilTahir | 23

#4627473 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:54

Sorry OP... Sorry... Uhm that was actually me - I was testing out my crotch-ing tiger ninja move....

Reply

FurryPride | 9

#4627524 - Thursday 28 June 2012 23:00

Great alarm clock you have there. Where can I get one?

Reply

airforce987 | 20

#4627636 - Thursday 28 June 2012 23:28

Nothing says good morning like a punch in the balls!

Reply

romesh17fml | 8

#4627763 - Thursday 28 June 2012 23:57

Well, you did wake up... Some fmls have that they didn't wake up and missed something

Reply

mylifesucks_fml | 1

#4627858 - Friday 29 June 2012 0:27

does anyone else feel like there may have been a reason to it that OP is leaving out just for sympathy?

Reply

ThisIsMyReign | 4

#4628388 - Friday 29 June 2012 2:36

That happened to me to wake up for warped tour. :(

Reply

jojimugo | 20

#4628394 - Friday 29 June 2012 2:37

Am with #1 This story is incomplete it's missing some crucial details

Reply

pokefan813 | 16

#4628883 - Friday 29 June 2012 5:27

32 - at www.steralizeMe.com

Reply

sirsquab | 12

#4629688 - Friday 29 June 2012 10:15

Honestly, some things are funnier without context.

Reply

bernardbrown | 7

#4630313 - Friday 29 June 2012 16:40

Maybe "I got punched in the balls" is enough of an FML.

By Thisismypchere | 8

#4627320 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:36

I hope this is ending up on YouTube!

Reply

Inheritance | 10

#4628974 - Friday 29 June 2012 6:13

This is Tosh.O shit right here OP!

Reply

ibenj | 1

#4629571 - Friday 29 June 2012 9:43

Oooh bollocks!

Reply

Inheritance | 10

#4630306 - Friday 29 June 2012 16:38

93 I think you mean ballocks

By CaramelMacchiato | 13

#4627324 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:37

Ouch! Right in the baby maker D:

Reply

AlphaPrice | 7

#4628669 - Friday 29 June 2012 4:05

That's one way to wake up

By Zachthejoker | 10

#4627344 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:39

No kids for you!

Reply

reallytho3 | 11

#4627628 - Thursday 28 June 2012 23:27

Good old fashioned birth control

Reply

icrest80 | 4

#4628134 - Friday 29 June 2012 1:21

Yes, much more effective than IUD

Reply

mea_iloveskiing | 26

#4628169 - Friday 29 June 2012 1:31

No soup for you!

By SkoomaKi | 27

#4627350 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:39

Why? Who? Where? How?

Why: You have no luck (hence the FML)
Who: A turtle named Henry (the attacker)
Where: Probably a bed of sorts
How: Falcon punch by Henry's flipper.

All questions answered.

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#4627453 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:52

When?

Reply

JustKittyKat | 24

#4627461 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:52

Wonderful explanation!
But, turtles do not have flippers. :P

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#4627482 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:54

He has a rare Balmasian Sea Turtle. It's the only explanation.

Reply

im_too_pro | 2

#4627684 - Thursday 28 June 2012 23:42

Best comment in a long time! Captain falcon would be proud!

Reply

taboolovers | 0

#4628357 - Friday 29 June 2012 2:31

23- Sea turtles do.

Reply

ApologyKick | 25

#4628662 - Friday 29 June 2012 4:05

20- surprisingly, the FML actually does answer your question. Hence the "Today," all FMLs must follow.

Reply

thejuice1234 | 0

#4630378 - Friday 29 June 2012 17:23

Wtf?

By FML_Master2133 | 6

#4627372 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:42

That has got to be pleasant. Maybe you should greet him with a punch to the face.

By borkchop1992 | 15

#4627378 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:43

I once created an alarm clock that woke you up that way, but i got arrested

By MrFuzzles | 5

#4627381 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:43

I hope you retaliated as soon as your balls felt better.

By PerfasarusRex | 3

#4627383 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:43

Today you woke up unable to have kids. Sorry bro.

By Abbyybba | 0

#4627388 - Thursday 28 June 2012 22:44

Nothing like bruised testicles to start the day.