Today, I had to listen to my best friend explain how to properly... - FML

By love4cheese1197

Today, I had to listen to my best friend explain how to properly unstick one's balls from one's leg. I'm a girl. FML

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BO Central

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Family values

By Anon - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I learned that while most people drunk text, I drunk clean. And by drunk clean I mean put my things away where I won't be able to find them, like my car keys. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, for the first time in a while I decided to wear a skirt. Everytime I sit down my thighs trap air and make a farting sound. FML

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By wat - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I went to visit my overly-posh mother for the first time in many years. Upon arrival, she kicked me out because my outfit did not follow the same color-scheme as her decor. FML

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By go fuck myself - United States - Tampa

Today, I can't decide what's worse: the fact that my mother found my vibrator or that, as a prank, she replaced it with a realistic tarantula replica. She won't tell me where it is. FML

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By Kristin - United States

Today, my husband's old fraternity brother came to visit. He fell out of his car, puked, then passed out drunk in our driveway. We got him to the bathroom where he fell asleep. He woke up at 4am, wandered around the house naked, pooped in my trash can, then passed out again. FML

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By toobroketoprotest

Today, I found out that the higher-ups aren’t letting us use the break room anymore, so guess it’s back to eating lunch in my car while it’s 100°F outside. FML

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By FIM

Today, in response to a text asking if I wanted to meet for brunch, I wrote, "Oh dear god I'm so hungover I could die and I'm still in my same clothes from last night. Not a chance." It was our 5-year college reunion and the number I sent that to was actually an old professor, not an old friend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up cold. The guy I had sex with last night stole my blanket. He also took everything out of my freezer, and all of my soap, shampoo, and conditioner. The number he left me was for a pizza place. FML

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By fuck you, jack - United States - Peabody

Today, I got home late from work, so I decided to make myself a microwave meal. I pierced the plastic film several times. A little too loudly for my hateful bastard of a neighbor, I guess, because he called the cops on me, claiming he heard gunshots from my apartment. FML

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By TextsAlot - Canada

Today, my husband has been out of town for a week. The only text I've got from him was, "I didn't take a poop today." FML

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By Looking4AnApartment - 16/2/2021 15:30 - United States - Bellmore

We're all in hell

Today, it's the third day in a row my roommate has woken me up with blasting music, after keeping me up late listening to him screaming into his Xbox headset. His kids ate the last of my food. I can't even take a shit without one of them barging in. His whole fucking family is a walking condom commercial. FML

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By JJ - United States - Irwin

Today, I was savagely beating my wife on Call of Duty, since she demanded that I play normally and not hold back. 15 minutes later, she was raging at me, calling me a bastard and saying she wished we'd never married. FML

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By ihavenothing - United States

Today, my mom told me that she was selling my favorite thing in the world, my trombone. The only thing that I'm good at is the trombone. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2020 17:03 - United Kingdom - Bristol

They can't feel you

Today, I went to a funeral with my family. As we were walking on the grass to the burial site, my 5-year-old brother curiously asks, in a not-so-quiet voice, "Sissy, are we walking on dead people?" It was hard to answer his question with so many glaring people. FML

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By Jason - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out that conducting CPR and saving a man's life means nothing if you break his ribs. He is suing me for $10,000. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend yelled at me. Apparently I'm not the "classy girl" he thought I was, and he's not comfortable "doing such vile things in public." I had tried to hold his hand. FML

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By Anonymous

Mr Commitment

Today, I asked the person I love to commit to me. Instead, he packed his shit and moved out. FML

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By faen - Norway - Marifjora

Today, Muse cancelled their upcoming show in Oslo. I bought my sold-out tickets on the black market for double the retail price, and have no way of getting my money back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, I had a family get-together for my birthday. I got to watch all my family members get piss-drunk and argue over who's having the worst time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was watching TV, my boyfriend took my unicorn pillow pet and made it hump my arm. I told him to stop acting like a child. He replied, "Children don't have sex like this," and started making sex noises while making the pillow pet hump my arm faster and harder. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I came home from work to find a burglar in my house. He then said that he was just leaving, and went back out of the broken window. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after not seeing my boyfriend for 9 months, he came to meet me at the airport. I was so excited when I first saw him that I broke into a sprint to greet him. Apparently, running through the airport looks suspicious, because a security guard tackled me. Now I have a broken nose. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I shattered my iPhone screen. Pieces of glass are chipping out and can easily slice up any idiot who slides their finger across the screen. Unfortunately, I was that idiot. There's blood in the cracks of my screen. FML

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By Joshua - United States - Weatherford

Today, the woman I have been seeing said she couldn't see a future with me. This was all because I didn't text her back when I fell asleep after working a double night/morning shift. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I worked a long shift at my job while feeling like crap, anticipating getting a promotion. As my boss was leaving work, he informed me that because I also go to college, the promotion was being given to another employee that I trained a month ago. This is the second time this has happened. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, an hour after telling me she wasn't in mood for sex, my girlfriend called me to help her get a cucumber out of her ass. FML

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By damnbananas - United States

Today, while at school, I slipped on a wet patch in the hall and fell over, smacking my head against the floor. I laid there for a good five minutes in agonizing pain while people literally walked over me. Not a single person bothered to help me up or ask if I was okay. FML

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By

Today, a guest at my restaurant asked me what a tip was. I had to awkwardly explain to him that servers don't make hourly wages, and we rely on tips from customers to make money. After I finished, he laughed at me, called me a sucker, and stiffed me on a $120 tab. FML

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By mustachioed - United States

Today, I tried to bleach my upper lip hair. I now have a bright red mustache. FML

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By Unlucky - United States - Altoona

Today, my parents installed an air freshener above the toilet. While I was standing to pee, it sprayed me in the face. FML

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By idonteven - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was watching a movie with my family in which a character said "Fuck you, dad." My dad then slapped me over the head to get my attention and said, "Never talk to your father like that." Okay, dad. FML

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By traveller - United States

Today, I drove 9 hours and took Monday off of work to surprise my Mom and Dad for Easter. They weren't home so I called to tell them the surprise, rather than wait. They didn't answer as they were on a flight to Denver to surprise me for Easter since "I couldn't get off work." FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 00:30

Letting go

Today, my dad muttered something about the snow in Texas being fake, caused by 5G. I didn't take the bait, because it made a change from natural disasters being caused by my "homosexual life choices." FML

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By bieberyoulittleSHIT - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was playing some CoD online, when I realised I'd started humming an annoyingly catchy Bieber tune. Before I could come to my senses and pull out my mic, a bunch of my teammates started sarcastically singing along. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Huffman

Today, I decided to give my dog a bath. Instead, my dog gave me a bath. FML

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By porkfriedlife - United States

Today, I went to a theater and saw "Bruno" with my mom. We saw "Borat" together, so I thought, 'Hey, how bad could it be?' I don't know what was more nauseating: Bruno's penis spinning around and talking or the fact that my mom thought it was hilarious and couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By shittysituation - United States - Milpitas

Today, I came back from break to find that my roommate had been shitting in the bathtub for the entire 2 weeks I had been gone. FML

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By beeee - Australia

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend. Up until now, I thought my cat was the only four year old I had to deal with. FML

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By schellbytheseashore - United States

Today, during a text conversation with a girl I've been trying to get with, she complained about how crummy of a day she was having. I told her it couldn't be as bad as she thought, and she would probably get it over it soon. Then she told me she had found out her cousin had been murdered. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ordered a pizza over the phone from Pizza Hut. I turned at the store and waited for over 25 minutes. When they saw me sitting there for such a long time, they eventually asked what i was waiting for. I'd called the wrong Pizza Hut. FML

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Top comments

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7827975 - Friday 2 August 2019 20:53

And just what IS the proper technique? Asking for a friend....

By Henry8cooper | 15

#7827981 - Friday 2 August 2019 21:35

Very considerate of him. Now you know how to handle things if somebody's balls should stick to your leg by accident. I personally am not aware of the technical aspects of removing sticky balls from legs - I suppose I will have to add that to a long list of skills I never needed to acquire - so if you could give a few hints it would be appreciated.

COMMENTS

By Mooglefox | 23

#7827974 - Friday 2 August 2019 20:24

I bet that had to be an every interesting lesson.

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7827975 - Friday 2 August 2019 20:53

And just what IS the proper technique? Asking for a friend....

By Henry8cooper | 15

#7827981 - Friday 2 August 2019 21:35

Very considerate of him. Now you know how to handle things if somebody's balls should stick to your leg by accident. I personally am not aware of the technical aspects of removing sticky balls from legs - I suppose I will have to add that to a long list of skills I never needed to acquire - so if you could give a few hints it would be appreciated.

By cheesebond | 29

#7827994 - Friday 2 August 2019 22:55

HOW DARE YOU KEEP SUCH VALUABLE INFORMATION FROM US!

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7828012 - Friday 2 August 2019 23:49

Pay attention that is VERY important information.

By Wadlaen | 19

#7828014 - Friday 2 August 2019 23:52

Well, you never know when you're gonna need that kind of knowledge...

By RichardPencil | 29

#7828015 - Saturday 3 August 2019 0:03

Is it better than using a spatula?

No one likes pubes in their pancakes or burgers.

By mekiswrite | 19

#7828034 - Saturday 3 August 2019 2:34

I had a friend in high school that would demonstrate this at the lunch table. Free of charge and without anyone asking. He also undid his pants on a couple of occasions too.

By Memnoc | 26

#7828058 - Saturday 3 August 2019 5:28

Now you just need to tell all of your girlfriends, and they can tell theirs, and on and on, so that they can point it out and tell everyone when they see him doing it.

By DogStew | 19

#7828066 - Saturday 3 August 2019 6:34

This is a great opportunity to talk about your stinky boob sweat.