Today, I learned that you can pierce your balls. However, sitting...

By Ballshurt - United States

Today, I learned that you can pierce your balls. However, sitting on a thumbtack is not the best way to find this out. FML

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Miscellaneous

No one likes a smart-ass

Modernity

Phantom pooper

By j - Canada

Today, I ran out of gas while driving, and had to call a tow truck. I drive a tow truck. FML

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By Davios - United States

Today, I moved in with an older gentleman renting out a room. Tonight, he had a domestic dispute with his girlfriend who threw a lawn chair at my car. FML

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By unhappy wifey - United States - Portland

Today, my husband and I are still having a dumb fight over remodeling. He's decided to take an immature route and pretends to be asleep whenever I walk into a room so he doesn't have to talk about it. Earlier, he pretended to fall asleep at the dinner table. FML

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By anonymous - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She pretended not to hear me. FML

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55680

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By me - United States

Today, I met some of my boyfriend's family for the first time. His aunt said I was really cute, which made me happy. As we were leaving I said "Your aunt thought I was cute." His reply..."Yeah, well, my aunt's on drugs". FML

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By bigdaddy - United States

Today, I went out to a nice restaurant with my extended family. It was expensive, and when the bill came, I whispered to my brother, "We may need to make this one a Chew and Screw". When the waitress came back to the table, my five year old son decided to ask aloud "What's Chew and Screw?". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at some point, and for some reason I'll probably never fully understand, it seemed like a good idea to get completely shitfaced on tequila and try to shave my ballsack with a straight razor. I'm not sure if these wounds will ever heal. FML

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By A.L.Woody - United States

Today, I was approached by the head cheerleader, and she asked for my number. I was so excited that I gave it to her without question. Then she smiled, and walked away. Too bad my girlfriend was right behind me when it happened. FML

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By michellemoyah - United States

Today, I went to a dance with the boy I like. To my delight, he tried to pick me up. To my dismay, he couldn't. FML

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30269

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By jmac - United States

Today, I dropped a knife while cooking. Luckily it missed my foot, but only because it hit my knee. FML

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26300

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By anon_smh - United States - Bozeman

Today, after interviewing for a promotion to a position that was created with me in mind, I eagerly accepted a call from my boss, expecting good news. Turns out, they found a better applicant, who they don't believe will need support from the position I currently hold, so it's being eliminated. FML

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By TordNorski - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, I started a new job at a family owned business. About ten minutes in to training, the mother and father started an argument that ended in each of them storming off, demanding a divorce. FML

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23703

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By ug - Canada

Today, my crush took me out to lunch. When the waiter came for our orders he ordered onoin rings and looks at me and says, "I won't be kissing anyone tonight anyways." FML

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53631

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend wanted to show me a magic trick. He filled a bowl with wine, pushed it on top of the ceiling using a broom stick, and held it up there. He told me to hold it and left. Taking my hands off the broomstick would cause the bowl to fall on my expensive new suit. Eventually, it did. FML

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By Kate - United States - Exton

Today, my dog showed me her latest kill. Too bad it was the stuffed animals my dead grandmother had given me as a child that had a lot of sentimental value to me. FML

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2041

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were telling eachother secrets and I told him i've shaved my upper lip. He said "I know, it's prickly when we make out." FML

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53672

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By CollegeStudent

Today, after being excited and trying to make plans with all my friends, they all turned out to be busy. After watching Netflix most of the night, I check my Snapchat stories only to see them all hanging out without me at one of their houses. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Ahaus

Today, it's been three weeks since I moved to Germany with my own money, after my company's offices in Spain shut down. I was given a job at the headquarters here, only to have just found out that the whole company is now set to go into liquidation. FML

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45317

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By feels like an asshole - United States

Today, I took new sleeping meds. One of the side effects was sleepwalking. I had a dream my girlfriend wanted me to pee on her. Apparently, while sleepwalking, I pissed all over our dog. FML

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By DIY560 - United States - Ambler

Today, I was trying to study for a test when my brother and his friends decided to play the chant game, meaning one person yells something weird and everyone else has to say it back without laughing. All I heard for about two hours was them yelling things like, "DICK NIPPLES." FML

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By Bug8Frog - United States - Anchorage

Today, I bought a device that plays a high-pitched sound to teach my dog to quit barking. She's smart enough to learn that as long as she barks loud enough and long enough, she can't hear it. Quite the opposite effect to what I was anticipating. FML

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47580

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By Entheatus - Canada

Today, I polished off the delicious iced gingerbread cookies in the pantry. I'd assumed the little flecks on them were speckles of broken icing, but as I went to throw the cookie bag away, a larva crawled out. The hundreds of flecks were moth eggs. I've been eating the cookies for three days. FML

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By Shewhoisprobablyafurry - 3/5/2020 02:00

Going nowhere fast

Today, I have a massive crush on a fictional character. Who happens to be an ermine. FML

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484

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By Jack

Today, my washing machine broke down, within its warranty. I asked my neighbour if she could open the door for the mechanic while I was at work; she agreed. When I came home, I had a bill for 80 bucks for not opening the door. Her reason? She was busy watching her favorite TV show. FML

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By sheridan.ashley - Australia

Today, my sister decided to wake me up by pumping handwash into my open mouth. FML

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33940

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By Anonymous - United States - Rancho Santa Margarita

Today, a customer handed me a 100 dollar bill. He then told me that it was my tip for doing a good job. He snatched it away just as I touched it, laughed, and said, "Just kidding." He then took his money and left the store. FML

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27051

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By hooligyn123 - United States

Today, I'm quite ill. My new step-mother believes that the genetic wheat allergy I got from my mother would have gone away since she's now married to my father instead. Looks like dad picked a winner. FML

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33226

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By momlife - Canada - Ajax

Today, I had to end a phone conversation with, "I gotta go, my daughter's eating toilet paper." FML

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18995

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By Anonymous - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, I mixed up my chapstick and cork grease. Now my clarinet smells like cherries, and my lips smell like a gym floor. FML

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32369

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By Nasty - United States

Today, after using the bar of soap in the shower to wash my face, I looked down and noticed it was covered in my husband's pubes. FML

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34189

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By mick

Today, on my and my wife's very first camping holiday, someone cut a hole in the tent wall while we slept and stole everything, including my keys and the car. Finally getting home, it seems the thieves got our address from the car's sat-nav and burgled the house as well. FML

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6639

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By wowthanks - United States - Baldwin Park

Today, I was asked out by a friend of mine. He's a doctor and works at a prestigious hospital, so thinking we would eat somewhere special, I got all dressed up. We ended up eating at his hospital's cafeteria, because he gets a small employee discount. FML

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36614

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By lonelyashell - United States

Today, I realized that over the course of this winter, there have been more snow days in Atlanta than days in which I have ever been on a date. FML

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24818

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By Anonymous - Germany - Koblenz

Today, after an argument with my wife, I stormed out of our bedroom through the sliding doors to the balcony. Only there was no balcony, because it still hasn't been replaced yet. I'm now laid-up in hospital. FML

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43027

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By 352 - United States

Today, I somehow managed to hit my head on a first aid kit. I now have a cut on my forehead and my boyfriend just keeps laughing from the irony. FML

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24225

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By moderndante - United States - Portland

Hey, where's my bonus?!

Today, my co-worker received a $1,000 bonus for a project that I do all the work on. My direct supervisor thought that I was an assistant. I send him an e-mail copy of the project every week, and have done so for the past six months. I was later reprimanded for not congratulating my co-worker. FML

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1907

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By Ixi_the_pixie - United States

Today, my therapist told me, "I'm sorry, but I'm not qualified to handle your level of instability." FML

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40779

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my sister-in-law told me calmly that she never cared for me, likes her brother's ex more than me, and probably will always dislike me. It was our first serious conversation ever, that I initiated because I wanted to "maintain our great friendship." FML

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29305

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By 2nd best - 6/11/2020 11:01 - United States

Who the fuck asked you?

Today, my fiancée's ex sent me screenshots of their conversation. In it, he told her how badly he’d wanted to marry her, what a great life he'd have given her and what a huge mistake she'd made by letting him get away. My ring, our house even our pets should’ve been hers. Gee, thanks for settling. FML

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By Zinfandel - United States

Today, I decided to clear up some storm damage. I carefully cut a tree that was threatening to fall on my house. It fell on my neighbor's house instead. He's taking me to court for damages. FML

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17134

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Top comments

By AnthonyxD_fml | 0

#545552 - Monday 7 September 2009 12:23

Why were you naked sittin down in the first place?

By thequickredofox | 0

#545692 - Monday 7 September 2009 14:32

Another reason why I'm pleased my genitalia is all neatly tucked away, safe from thumb tacks and vicious trouser zippers!

FYL indeed OP

COMMENTS

By funnyfml | 0

#545521 - Monday 7 September 2009 12:06

First

By MorlekEngel | 0

#545537 - Monday 7 September 2009 12:15

Op: Look before you sit
Funnyfml: At least say something constructive!!

baby_love | 0

#547706 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 4:26

lmfaO !

redbluegreen | 40

#548950 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 21:17

Because #1 got deleted.

redbluegreen | 40

#553886 - Thursday 10 September 2009 21:38

Yup. I got in a fight with him on another FML where he also commented 'first'.
It got moderated though, so I like to think I won in the end.

By gdude756 | 0

#545544 - Monday 7 September 2009 12:19

Sucks for you dude. Next time look before you sit

By AnthonyxD_fml | 0

#545552 - Monday 7 September 2009 12:23

Why were you naked sittin down in the first place?

sobe23 | 0

#547786 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 5:07

He could of just gotten out of the shower or getting changed and sat on his bed in his room or a chair or something. Stranger things have happened!!

By take_a_moment | 0

#545553 - Monday 7 September 2009 12:23

hmmmm, tell me, how heavy are your balls to get them pierced by a tac...or do you tuck? AHAHAHAHAHA
oh fuck that lol

ibaun21 | 0

#804602 - Thursday 28 January 2010 13:31

my balls hurt from reading these comments

ZleveL | 0

#996575 - Tuesday 18 May 2010 8:35

^ I feel you... down there

By 1aidan1 | 0

#545558 - Monday 7 September 2009 12:29

My second testicule has finally dropped! Yay me!

orchids_torturer | 0

#545760 - Monday 7 September 2009 15:36

congratulations babes.

By caancoha | 0

#545564 - Monday 7 September 2009 12:34

Wait, it's not? I've been doing it wrong, then.

By Serix | 0

#545568 - Monday 7 September 2009 12:38

what did you do slam your dick ontop of your balls? like seriously unless you had some serious pressure on your scrotum i wouldnt see this happening.

By 766746 | 0

#545572 - Monday 7 September 2009 12:42

just have to pick holes in everything you people on Fml!!

give the dude a break, that would have fucking hurt........... no matter how it happened!!

By eatmynuggets | 0

#545625 - Monday 7 September 2009 13:27

lmao sucks to be you