Miscellaneous: Today, I learned that you can pierce your balls. However, sitting...

By Ballshurt - United States

Today, I learned that you can pierce your balls. However, sitting on a thumbtack is not the best way to find this out. FML

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Miscellaneous

Late term

Ghosted

Insane parents

By anonymous - United States

Today, I had to deal with a snobby rich woman who asked me to cure her daughter's "unhealthy obsession" with playing outside instead of watching TV with the rest of the family. She called me a liar when I said playing outside is a normal thing for a 6 year-old child to do. FML

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15022

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By alopez1994

Today, I noticed this guy crying in the park. I went up to him to see what was wrong. Apparently his girlfriend broke up with him, and he also said he wanted to kill himself. My first response was "Don't, you'll regret it later in life". FML

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35973

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By Spudzy - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, I tried hitting on the new receptionist at work. After a few flirtatious comments and subtly hinting that I thought she was bangable, she informed me that she's married to our boss. FML

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9403

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, upon waking up, I took a sip on what I thought was a cup of water on my nightstand. I quickly discovered it was my roommate's cup of used mouthwash which she was too lazy to throw out the night before. FML

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27809

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By gumchuck - United States - Marshall

Today, in an effort to avoid my school's strict no-gum policy as my teacher made a b-line to me, I swallowed it. By the time the teacher reached me, the gum was on my desk, as well as my breakfast, thanks to my overactive gag reflex. FML

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26783

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By Anonymous - Australia - Donvale

Today, my roommate, who happens to be a writer, got so pissed off at his editor that he got drunk, wrapped his arms around my waist, and only stopped when I agreed to spoon him. This is not the first time this has happened either. FML

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42547

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5718

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By Oy Vay - United States - Sparkill

Today, my daughter, whom I consigned a credit card for, told me she was in a bit of financial trouble. It turns out that she was trying to pay off her credit card with the same credit card her bill was for, and couldn't figure out why it wasn't working. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9808

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By JoshWontonDo - United Kingdom - London

Today, I tried to charge my phone at school by removing the socket for the fan. All the computers in the room turned off. I accidentally removed the power cables for the computers and got suspended. FML

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6167

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By fax4voice3 - 3/3/2021 11:01 - United States - Greenwich

The climate is whack

Today, it was an unusually warm day after many weeks of typical subfreezing temperatures, so my family and I went for a walk in the park. We all came back with mosquito bites. FML

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614

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167

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By shit.jpg - United States - Waban

Today, a fifth grader gave me a note from his "father" excusing him from PE. It was riddled with spelling errors and shockingly poor grammar, so I rejected it as a blatant fake. Several hours later, I was informed by his very angry father that it wasn't actually fake. FML

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28641

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By PrincessOhNo - United States - Bronx

Today, I dyed my hair back to pastel pink, which it hasn't been in over a year. It goes well with my skin and I was super excited about it so I decided to Snapchat my friend about it. Her response? "You were thinner last time your hair looked like that." FML

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7878

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1071

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By mazzer - United Kingdom

Today, my dad had a day off and was 'bored' so he decided to move our entire kitchen into our living room. We now have no running water, no oven that works and the entire house is a bombsite. He has an entire week off. FML

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26938

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By jess - United States

Today, I walked out onto the driveway to find my mom standing on the wet pavement, screaming at the worms that had come out after the rain, saying that they were "on private property" and that they were "trespassing." All of our neighbors had come out of their houses to watch. FML

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31905

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By Anonymous

Today, the only parking spot available at the supermarket had some shopping carts in it, so I got out of my car and moved them. As soon as I finished, a lady stole the spot. When I confronted her, she maced me with pepper spray and walked off. FML

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5164

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304

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By Broke - United States

This is my life

Today, I need money to fix my car, I need my car to get to work, and I need work to get money. FML

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1885

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Picture game

Today, my boyfriend stated that we should play a game where one person asks the other a question, and they answer it with a picture. I thought it sounded fun so I said yes. His first question was, "Do you shave your vagina?" FML

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1449

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at a job interview, my interviewer excused himself to use the bathroom, so I took the chance to let out a tiny fart I'd been holding in. That tiny fart filled the whole room. When he came back, the guy literally stopped dead in his tracks and recoiled at the stench. Doubt I'll get that job. FML

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12283

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend named my penis "little baby carrot." FML

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63003

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2021 01:08 - United States - Irving

Creepy

Today, the power went out so my family all stayed together in a one room to keep warm. I was on the bed against the wall and reached my hand down, only to find my panties tucked in the side of my brother's bed. Not one pair, but two. FML

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1133

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By 733yoda

Today, the most exciting notification I received was Amazon telling me that my bulk order of toilet paper had been shipped. FML

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1397

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249

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By waterproblem - United States

Today, my last task for the day as a high school janitor was to power-wash the concrete area where the graduation ceremony will take place. Tired and bored, I drew a huge penis with the power hose. Right before I was going to wash it off, the machine broke. Graduation is tomorrow. FML

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19483

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed a man in my neighborhood waving at me. I don't talk to him often so I excitedly waved back. Turns out he was trying to warn me of the car about to hit me. FML

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29856

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By Elle - United States

Today, my therapist told me to write down my secrets in an envelope and symbolically burn them. My secrets included stories of my rampant sex life, drug use, a suicide attempt, and the overpowering hatred I have for my family. I've managed to misplace the envelope somewhere back home. FML

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32414

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By Noname - United States

Today, one of my closest friends and I got into a fight. She ends the conversation with "My grandma just had a stroke. Bye." I didn't believe her so I replied "Thats great. Bye." Turns out her Grandma is in the hospital in critical condition. FML

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10604

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By krabby patty

Today, my husband and I mutually discovered that we are both infected with pubic lice. How? I found his and he found mine while we were in the middle of 69-ing each other. So, so gross. FML

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5325

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By shinee - Singapore

Today, to be nice, I baked cookies for my step-mom as a birthday present. I burnt my hand while putting them in the oven, but I'd hoped it would be worth it. When she got home, I gave one for her to try. She took a bite, spit it out, and threw it on the floor, asking if it was a joke or if I was really trying to poison her. FML

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33287

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By Anonymous - United States

Unfair

Today, I got a call from work stating that my employment was being terminated. This was after being suspended while they investigated my sexual harassment claim. Their reason for firing me: misuse of company time. Yes, I suppose reporting being sexually harassed is a huge waste of time. FML

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52216

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By mr_flarpin - United States - Stoneham

Today, I got stumped by a childproof door. Twice. FML

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18205

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7512

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By daddoesn'tknowbest - United States

Today, I overheard my husband talking to our 6 year-old about animals for a project. I listened, thinking it was cute, until my husband said gleefully, "Remember to say this in your project: octopuses have 8 testicles." FML

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32187

You deserved it

3608

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By chumpslolo - United States - Vandalia

Today, my sister backed out of my wedding because it was becoming too much about me. After I begged her to reconsider, I had no choice but to pick a new bridesmaid. When my new bridesmaid posted on Facebook how excited she was, my sister commented, "See, you made HER feel special." FML

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55472

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3966

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By hurtinrealbad - United States - Tempe

Today, I had a cyst in my butt removed. The doctors had to make a hole, and then fill it with gauze before sending me home. As soon as I got back, my sister decided to kick me in the butt as hard as she could. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32997

You deserved it

1961

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By vikinggirl - Australia

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he would do if I were to get pregnant. Expecting him to give me a cute and supportive answer, he replied, "We'd be finding you a nice flight of stairs to accidentally fall down." FML

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43009

You deserved it

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By Username - China

Today, I made a cup of tea at work. Whilst talking to a work mate I took a sip of the tea which I had forgotten was boiling hot and laughed at the same time, causing it to come out of my nose. I have blistered my whole mouth and even burnt my nostrils. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33115

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got into my car and realised that my CDs were no longer in my glove box. According to the police, the random key code for my car type has been cracked, and thieves can now let themselves in whenever they want. The manufacturer says they can't do anything about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33603

You deserved it

3162

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my new girlfriend was telling me how she's attracted to "All-American" looking guys. Tall, manly body, handsome face. Then she says, "But it's ok, you're cute too." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32958

You deserved it

3207

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out why my girlfriend removed me from Facebook last week. Turns out she didn't want me to see pics of her with a new boyfriend. How I found out? My coworker, her new boyfriend, left his messenger open during lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7806

You deserved it

535

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, after a surprise candlelit dinner and a two bottles of wine for my birthday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a sexy shower together. It ended with us both drunk, naked, and crying, wedged into a small tub together, talking about our dead pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36891

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8410

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By qtpieo1 - United States

Today, I was at the pool with two boys I baby sit. The eldest wouldn't get out of the pool so I pretended to call his dad. He then ran out of the pool, pushed me down, grabbed my phone, chucked it into the pool and then ran back into the pool. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41403

You deserved it

9703

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By I already have one, thanks - Australia - Mosman

Today, at the bank, some poor bastard got brutally dumped in front of everyone, prompting some total spastic behind me to cough and mockingly say "Loser!" The guy thought I'd said it, and started shoving me around and threatening to tear me a new asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42212

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3067

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By yes, yes it does :( - United States

Today, I was waiting on a Canadian tourist at work, and he bought some of the most expensive stuff on the menu. I was excited about maybe getting a big tip, so I casually said that in the USA, waiters make most of our money off tips. The guy just snorted, "Sucks to be American, eh?!" and left. FML

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42062

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Top comments

By AnthonyxD_fml | 0

#545552 - Monday 7 September 2009 12:23

Why were you naked sittin down in the first place?

By thequickredofox | 0

#545692 - Monday 7 September 2009 14:32

Another reason why I'm pleased my genitalia is all neatly tucked away, safe from thumb tacks and vicious trouser zippers!

FYL indeed OP

COMMENTS

By funnyfml | 0

#545521 - Monday 7 September 2009 12:06

First

By MorlekEngel | 0

#545537 - Monday 7 September 2009 12:15

Op: Look before you sit
Funnyfml: At least say something constructive!!

baby_love | 0

#547706 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 4:26

lmfaO !

redbluegreen | 40

#548950 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 21:17

Because #1 got deleted.

redbluegreen | 40

#553886 - Thursday 10 September 2009 21:38

Yup. I got in a fight with him on another FML where he also commented 'first'.
It got moderated though, so I like to think I won in the end.

By gdude756 | 0

#545544 - Monday 7 September 2009 12:19

Sucks for you dude. Next time look before you sit

By AnthonyxD_fml | 0

#545552 - Monday 7 September 2009 12:23

Why were you naked sittin down in the first place?

sobe23 | 0

#547786 - Tuesday 8 September 2009 5:07

He could of just gotten out of the shower or getting changed and sat on his bed in his room or a chair or something. Stranger things have happened!!

By take_a_moment | 0

#545553 - Monday 7 September 2009 12:23

hmmmm, tell me, how heavy are your balls to get them pierced by a tac...or do you tuck? AHAHAHAHAHA
oh fuck that lol

ibaun21 | 0

#804602 - Thursday 28 January 2010 13:31

my balls hurt from reading these comments

ZleveL | 0

#996575 - Tuesday 18 May 2010 8:35

^ I feel you... down there

By 1aidan1 | 0

#545558 - Monday 7 September 2009 12:29

My second testicule has finally dropped! Yay me!

orchids_torturer | 0

#545760 - Monday 7 September 2009 15:36

congratulations babes.

By caancoha | 0

#545564 - Monday 7 September 2009 12:34

Wait, it's not? I've been doing it wrong, then.

By Serix | 0

#545568 - Monday 7 September 2009 12:38

what did you do slam your dick ontop of your balls? like seriously unless you had some serious pressure on your scrotum i wouldnt see this happening.

By 766746 | 0

#545572 - Monday 7 September 2009 12:42

just have to pick holes in everything you people on Fml!!

give the dude a break, that would have fucking hurt........... no matter how it happened!!

By eatmynuggets | 0

#545625 - Monday 7 September 2009 13:27

lmao sucks to be you