Today, I got so lonely I decided to make sock puppets and play...

By ineedalife - 2/2/2013 12:08 - Australia

Today, I got so lonely I decided to make sock puppets and play with them. I played for four hours straight, only to be interrupted by a phone call. I didn't answer because my sock puppets were "on a date" and I didn't want to stop playing. FML

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Miscellaneous

Cold-blooded old times

Crowded House

Who's a good boy?

By Anonymous - 16/7/2009 05:32 - United States

Today, I learned that walking on the sidewalk does not mean that you will not be hit by a car. FML

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By Username - 13/11/2010 00:24 - United States

Today, I was leaving the car wash when I saw my friend walking on the sidewalk. I pulled over next to her and asked if she wanted a ride. Only after getting a face full of the soda she was drinking did I realize I was talking to a complete stranger. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2010 20:09 - United States

Today, I saw a pregnant woman fall off her moped. As I helped her back up, I asked if her baby was okay. I was then blindsided by her brick of a purse while she screeched, "I'm not pregnant!" FML

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By notevencatnipworks - 27/8/2018 13:00

Today, as every day for the past three weeks, my girlfriend's cat kept us up from 3:30am crying nonstop. We've tried everything, and even exiled my well-behaved cat to keep him company. Now she cries because she feels she's being punished. Starting around 4am. FML

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By fmlimoverit - 12/9/2010 00:39 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months broke up with me because he felt "our religious differences kept us apart." We've never talked about anything religious. Ever. FML

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By Jbug - 31/5/2018 13:30 - United States - Stillwater

She moves quickly!

Today, my girlfriend found a teacher who taught her 10 years ago. He's a complete player, but she fell instantly and madly in love with him and kicked me to the curb. We dated for 3 years and lived together for two. I was fixing to propose in 2 weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2012 14:19 - United States

Today, school tuition has taken up so much of my paycheck that the only thing I had to eat for dinner was applesauce. FML

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By jkin47 - 4/8/2010 01:44 - United States

Today, I moved into my new college apartment for the next year. A 45 year old guy with a mustache in short shorts and no shirt answers the door. He will be one of my roommates. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2016 17:34 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend crashed our car into the car ahead. He was trying to pull away from the traffic lights faster than the person next to us, a ten-year-old kid on a bicycle. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2013 18:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a paintball match with a group of friends, one of whom brought his dad along. His dad is a weight-lifting, wannabe alpha male fucknut who thinks that chokeslamming opponents is a legitimate close-quarters paintball tactic. My broken shoulder disagrees. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2013 03:47 - United States

Today, I was in the middle of an interview; it was going great until I started coughing. That coughing led to an asthma attack, which led to nonstop gagging. I couldn't even answer his final question, "Are you okay?" FML

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By Anonymous - 26/2/2010 11:11 - Norway

Today, I bought Plan B for the first time. Not because I had unprotected sex, but to make the cashier think someone would actually sleep with me. FML

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By goatvideosarelame - 24/5/2011 07:31 - Singapore

Today, my boss called me into his office to proudly show me about an hour's worth of videos of his recent holiday. The videos were all of goats and cows eating grass outside his window in Pakistan. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/10/2011 16:17 - Canada

Today, I was using the toilet and decided to check out some FMLs. One made me laugh out loud as my room-mate was passing by the bathroom. He now tells everyone my penis is so small it makes even me laugh every time I see it. FML

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By MBrabs1996 - 19/12/2018 05:00

Today, despite the schedule saying I was off, I found out I’m supposed to be working because my boss changed the schedule without my knowledge. FML

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By neverdatingagain - 27/11/2016 22:07 - United States - Lake Oswego

Today, after three years of dating, my boyfriend finally proposed. To my best friend. FML

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By Rowansgonnarow - 5/7/2014 20:19

Today, a girl I recently slept with messaged me, explaining through a rendition of "Call Me Maybe" that she'd given me chlamydia. FML

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By baby names - 23/9/2018 22:00

Today, I helped a lady give birth on the train. She was so happy she asked if she could name the baby after me, but as I told her my name she visibly turned her nose up at it, turned to her husband, and suggested naming it after his grandfather instead. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2013 18:50 - United States - Bessemer

Today, while working at a client's house, I noticed that their sliding calendar was several months off. I fixed it. Later the daughter saw and started crying. Apparently the date was the last one her mother had set it to before she died. FML

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By suosi - 26/7/2015 17:55 - United States - Indianapolis

Today, the crush I've had for months finally came over to my place for the first time. It didn't last long however, as I suddenly had to go to the ER for severe testicular pain. FML

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By fmlgirl - 25/4/2009 18:41 - United States

Today, is my boyfriend and my 3 year anniversary. We decided to give each other something that we really needed. I bought him the $300 worth of books that he needed for college. He surprised me with a workout video and exercise equipment. FML

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By nofriends - 19/10/2013 21:57 - United States

Today, we had to give a surprise speech in speech class on two of our best and closest friends. My first friend was my mom. I had to make up the other one. FML

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By Depressed and clueless - 24/10/2018 15:00 - United States - Manhattan

Today, after months of being told I'm just being paranoid, my hallmates admitted and proved that there really is a dorm-wide conspiracy to socially isolate me. I don’t know what I did wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2015 19:09 - United States - Tampa

Today, my flight was at the other side of the airport. I ran to the gate, to find that the flight had moved to the other side of the airport. So I ran again to miss my plane by a minute. However I did get a new flight... at the other end of the airport. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, I was lost in a new town, so I asked a woman for directions. For some reason, she seemed to avoid me. About halfway down the block, she quickly turned around, and the next thing I remember is my eyes stinging like hell. Apparently she thought I was a mugger and maced me. FML

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By Rajin - 23/3/2009 20:38 - Canada

Today, I signed up for an online dating site. After completing their personality quiz, I set the distance to a 60 mile radius of where I live. Then to the country. Then to the whole world. I got no matches for any of the settings. FML

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By automaticfail_00 - 17/6/2009 23:27 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my best friend who lives out of town. He was strangely quiet. Later that day I asked him why he didn't talk much. He admitted he was jacking off to the sound of my voice. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2011 13:31 - United States

Today, at a family reunion, my dad announced to everyone that I'd finally started my menstrual cycle. My grandmother started sobbing hysterically. FML

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By JD300 - 22/12/2009 12:15 - United Kingdom

Today, I finally got my wish of having snow on my birthday. Excited, I failed to realise this meant that no one could come to my party, including myself as we were all snowed out of town. What did I spend my 18th doing? Tidying our house. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2013 07:08 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I came home after working on a difficult case. My husband wasn't home so I hopped into bed. My feet felt something and I reached down and picked it up out of the sheets. It was lacy black thongs. I don't own black thongs. FML

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By bottombarrel - 28/10/2014 14:07 - United States - Greenville

Today, I was getting a pedicure to cheer myself up. I've been so lonely, I got overly excited when someone sat next to me, because I got to pretend I had a friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2014 19:29 - United Kingdom

Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML

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By kill the audience - 10/11/2016 17:51 - United States - Lewes

Today, I was sitting in the restaurant waiting for my blind date to come. I had sat for an hour until I finally got fed up and went to leave when at the same time the guy at the table next to me stood up to leave too. I noticed he had been sitting alone. Turns out he was my date. FML

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By mymidlifecrisis - 8/9/2016 04:53 - United States - Valley Village

Today, after years in a relationship I realized that my partner does not like the music I listen to, the food I cook, the pictures I take, the way I dress. The only thing she likes is when I take her out to eat. FML

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By Indiana - 16/1/2010 05:14 - Canada

Today, I was getting off the bus, when these two guys behind me started commenting on my bag, oblivious to the fact that I could hear them say, "Look at his ugly man-purse," and "It that looks like the satchel that Indiana Jones has". I'm a girl. Who is planning majoring in fashion studies. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2016 09:54 - United States

Today, I've had so many family members die in the past 4 years, I now think of which pictures would look good at people's funerals when I look through photo albums. FML

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By wtf - 30/5/2012 21:34 - United Kingdom - Staines

Today, I met up with my dad after having worked abroad for the past six months. Apparently, during that time he's had a mid-life crisis or been snorting a few too many turds, because he's now some sort of hippie calling himself "Memnoch of Pleiades". FML

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By whorecrux - 2/7/2013 03:37 - United States - Newark

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to buy me a "magic wand". Being a Harry Potter fanatic, I assumed he meant a replica wand. It turns out he actually meant a Magic Wand vibrator. I was more excited about the HP wand. FML

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By Noname - 7/1/2009 15:07 - United Kingdom

Today, I was just taking a wank with my laptop on low battery. Almost finished when my laptop died. FML

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By Gnomead - 12/8/2018 18:30

Why People Break Bad

Today, I got turned down for a home for low income people because my income was too low. FML

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Top comments

By Catkam623 | 27

#5351226 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:03

Hey sock puppets are real people too. Well not really and based off my prior logic why were you third wheeling?

By gc327072 | 29

#5351254 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:13

It ended well. They have a real close-knit relationship.

Comments

By Catkam623 | 27

#5351226 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:03

Hey sock puppets are real people too. Well not really and based off my prior logic why were you third wheeling?

Damian95 | 16

#5351288 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:44

The nerve of some people.

rintintin19 | 5

#5351363 - Saturday 2 February 2013 18:07

seriously, OP should have answered the phone and given them some privacy...quit sock blocking, OP.

imaginaryvoice | 18

#5351467 - Saturday 2 February 2013 19:34

Third wheeling in hopes of a threeway?

ohcheriecherie | 20

#5351477 - Saturday 2 February 2013 19:38

Well you know about socks.

kickass1stbase | 7

#5351682 - Saturday 2 February 2013 23:08

Did they have to put a sock on the door knob? Oh wait...

rintintin19 | 5

#5351753 - Sunday 3 February 2013 0:39

i'd love to see how that goes..

scarface90 | 8

#5352365 - Sunday 3 February 2013 8:44

If it turns into a hot date, make sure the socks use protection...you don't wanna end up with foot fungus

sens3sfailing | 24

#5352585 - Sunday 3 February 2013 12:40

Or athletes foot

By chrisjw27 | 18

#5351227 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:04

wow.

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#5351239 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:07

This comment.....so original.... so...magnificent. How did you think of such a comment? You are a true genius.

RvidxrKlvn | 8

#5351312 - Saturday 2 February 2013 17:04

Remember #2, every comment you make needs to resemble the work of Aristotle, Platos, Socrates and other great thinker of society because that's what FML is for.

sig4life | 18

#5351374 - Saturday 2 February 2013 18:15

OMG, LOL, WOW.

Apparently #2 has a problem with complex words. Thanks for the informative comment. Now pass, because you have been token for too long. Remember it is puff puff pass.

Whaaaaaat734 | 6

#5351664 - Saturday 2 February 2013 22:48

49- You killed it...

Soloman212 | 28

#5351728 - Sunday 3 February 2013 0:02

Guys, I'm going to make a super original comment about how #2 made a super unoriginal comment! This thread needs more of that.

rintintin19 | 5

#5351759 - Sunday 3 February 2013 0:47

#33, i believe you mean sock-rates...i couldn't resist :s

ohcheriecherie | 20

#5352085 - Sunday 3 February 2013 4:08

49, can you not?

chrisjw27 | 18

#5352759 - Sunday 3 February 2013 16:21

I think I've discovered the Internet equivalent of angry villagers at my door with torches and pitchforks...

ragini95 | 16

#5353191 - Sunday 3 February 2013 23:57

everyone hating on #2's comment - it's fucked up that all of you are being so rude about a small insignificant thing. you sound like bullies.

Whaaaaaat734 | 6

#5368526 - Friday 15 February 2013 8:30

116- Nobodycares.jpg

By kumonsucks | 7

#5351235 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:05

Bro you do have a life. Answer the phone next time.

SerpentBoy | 8

#5351240 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:07

Obviously he does not have a life, or he wouldn't be playing with sock puppets..

biggestfan23 | 11

#5351267 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:17

It's a female by the way

XxDevilxXGt | 26

#5351289 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:45

Answer the phone and sock it to em!

Starcatch77 | 20

#5351636 - Saturday 2 February 2013 22:13

What if the phone call had actually been a guy who wanted to ask her out on a date? THAT'S irony.

By yusaku02 | 20

#5351238 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:07

How did their date end?

gc327072 | 29

#5351254 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:13

It ended well. They have a real close-knit relationship.

iOceanus | 18

#5351429 - Saturday 2 February 2013 19:21

She gets the sock on the first date.

Fuji76 | 15

#5351493 - Saturday 2 February 2013 19:49

It ended with one stiff sock and one crusty sock! Lol

By Moep20 | 24

#5351242 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:08

There is nothing wrong with sock puppets. Still I ask myself: How old are you? ^^

zandalee | 19

#5351739 - Sunday 3 February 2013 0:20

...and how do you play with sock puppets for four hours. That is so sad.

By AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#5351244 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:08

Those damn phone calls interupting their date. F the sock puppets' life.

cheertrombonist | 9

#5351279 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:33

Interrupting sock puppet dates?
Ain't nobody got time fo dat.

By need2sleep | 15

#5351245 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:08

Hope you used clean socks otherwise there may never be a second date!

Bluekaren16 | 19

#5351405 - Saturday 2 February 2013 18:48

She can always wash them if they get a little dirty while performing ; )

By SerpentBoy | 8

#5351248 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:10

Were they on a date at your place, or did you also construct a movie theater and bar for them? Oh, did the hit it off?

By mangoboy1 | 19

#5351250 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:11

The gangs all here...

By eaglerob | 20

#5351252 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:13

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

gc327072 | 29

#5351362 - Saturday 2 February 2013 18:05

Socks don't, but panty hose do! (sp?)