Miscellaneous: Today, I got so lonely I decided to make sock puppets and play...

By ineedalife - 02/02/2013 12:08 - Australia

Today, I got so lonely I decided to make sock puppets and play with them. I played for four hours straight, only to be interrupted by a phone call. I didn't answer because my sock puppets were "on a date" and I didn't want to stop playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 446

You deserved it 22 383

Miscellaneous

Own it

Not a fan

Callous

By breeeeeh - 21/06/2013 22:18 - France - Brou-sur-chantereine

Today, I woke up to a stranger in my bed. Just as my parents responded to my screaming, I remembered that I'd helped my boyfriend sneak in through my window last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 661

You deserved it 69 785

By afraid of flying too - 24/06/2013 23:24 - Canada - Fort Saint John

Today, I'm left with two non-refundable tickets to Jamaica, because my now ex-boyfriend said his Quidditch tournament is more important than seeing my "fat ass in a bikini". FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 858

You deserved it 6 625

Weird, but OK

By awkward - 14/06/2021 19:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me. He says he can’t be with someone who doesn’t love his dog as much as he does. I told him that I have absolutely no problem with the dog being in the room, but it makes me uncomfortable when the dog is on the bed while we have sex. Apparently, that’s unreasonable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 199

You deserved it 100

Bratz

By Anonymous - 15/06/2016 15:07 - United States

Today, my bratty sister shoved me overboard during a boat ride. Not ten seconds after being pulled back on board, I got an earful of abuse from my parents. My sister is the family favorite and they refuse to believe that I didn't "provoke" her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 711

You deserved it 894

By tom28402 - 22/02/2015 23:21 - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I competed in a Tae Kwon Do competition. I came third with my team in the sparring event. My mum said as a joke, "Were there only 3 teams?" There were. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 620

You deserved it 4 492

By Leyla - 27/10/2015 01:23 - United States - Franklin

Today, my boyfriend and I respectfully asked my landlady if he could stay with me until he gets back on his feet. He was robbed at gunpoint in his house last night. Landlady then yelled because we aren't married, and then showed up at my door at 10pm, "just making sure John isn't here". FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 336

You deserved it 1 872

By Anonymous - 20/01/2013 05:01 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me all about how his parents sat him down last night and had a 20 minute talk with him about how I'm the biggest mistake he'll ever make. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 001

You deserved it 3 956

By allalone - 14/07/2010 00:33 - United States

Today, I put the vacuum cleaner hose against my neck to give me a hickey, so that it would look like I got some action. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 289

You deserved it 45 297

By facepalming all the way - 19/07/2015 06:02 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I had to explain to my incredibly sheltered 15-year-old brother that no, you don't wear condoms on your balls, and that they don't work by squeezing your balls so the sperm are blocked from coming out when you ejaculate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 609

You deserved it 2 321

By andrie09 - 07/07/2009 22:18 - United States

Today, my mom told me I was a bad daughter because I didn't get anything for my parents' anniversary. I just sent my brother a check for $400 for my share of their gift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 259

You deserved it 3 061

By wherefelix - 03/07/2009 08:01 - United States

Today, I woke up early, showered, dressed, and made the 40 minute drive to work, only to discover when I arrived that today was my day off. When I got home my live in boyfriend was gone. I called and he told me he was at the beach, right near my work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 044

You deserved it 9 470

By Twysted91 - 28/12/2014 03:50 - United States - Milford

Today, I was rushed to the emergency room in crippling pain, thanks to a very dangerous cluster of cysts on my ovaries that could rupture at any time. My boyfriend took this news as my way of denying him sex and broke up with me for "going to obscene lengths" to emasculate him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 861

You deserved it 3 188

By I'veRunOuttaPatience - 31/08/2018 03:30

Today, I got scolded for how I treated my aunt and uncle's dogs while pet sitting. I was told it was my fault they had explosive diarrhea for "locking" them in the room they'd told me to put them in at night and doing everything they said when I reported they were sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 899

You deserved it 203

By Justmyluck - 15/11/2017 06:00

Today, after sex, my boyfriend turned to me and said, “I need to check something down there.” I asked what but he just smiled and showed me the piece of gum he was chewing. He took a look and left to get the scissors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 834

You deserved it 856

By Jdub - 28/05/2009 00:51 - United States

Today, I went to a real Japanese restaurant with my sister and mom, where you had to take off your shoes and sit on the floor. After the meal, I realized my shoes were no longer where I put them. For the seven years the restaurant has been open, I'm the first person to get their shoes stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 212

You deserved it 3 591

By anonymous - 17/07/2013 04:48 - United States - Katy

Today, I had to pull one of those toy stretchy hands out of my dog's butthole. It slapped me in the face when I finally got it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 574

You deserved it 7 373

By Lmop68 - 27/05/2009 05:27 - Canada

Today, I saw my crush waving me over from the other end of the parking lot. I ran quickly to greet him, but in my excitement didn't take note of the giant Hummer backing out. I broke two ribs and all my crush was trying to do was warn me of the moving vehicle I was about to run into. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 983

You deserved it 17 307

By seepeezy32 - 02/02/2011 02:32

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She's a sock puppet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 298

You deserved it 71 281

Childish

By jade - 11/01/2022 17:01

Today, I was talking to a guy when he pointed behind me and said, “Hey, what’s that?” I looked behind me and he burst out laughing, saying he “can’t believe I’m so stupid that I still fall for that old trick.” We were having a conversation, not a physical fight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 762

You deserved it 105

By breyn - 18/02/2015 19:48 - United States

Today, while working at my salon, I was cutting an older gentleman's hair. When he got up to leave, everyone noticed he had clearly pissed his pants. I felt bad for him until he laughed and said, "Here's your tip, have fun cleaning that up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 484

You deserved it 2 419

By Anonymous - 08/12/2010 04:18 - United States

Today, while working as a hotel guard I found a homeless man lying in the grass. I asked him to move and he ignored me, continuing to lie there with his head resting on his arms and a big smile on his face. I got annoyed and started to yell at him. After a few minutes I realized he was dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 068

You deserved it 10 836

By Madagascar - 19/12/2009 10:18 - Australia

Today, when my boyfriend and I were becoming intimate, his cat decides to jump onto the bed and lie right in between us. He then informs me that he wanted to stop to "preserve his cat's innocence." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 818

You deserved it 4 867

By what the fuck?! - 02/12/2018 20:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I called my husband's mistress to confront her. Her husband answered and immediately began hitting on me. He asked what was taking me so long to join their circle and if I was as into dp as his wife is. I don’t know whether to vomit from rage or disgust. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 296

You deserved it 570

Creeped out

By Really jealous - 26/01/2021 09:31 - India

Today, my best friend confided in me that she's going to have sex with her cousin. Shocked, I tried to convince her not to and how it's a horrible idea. She called me a jealous bastard who can't get laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 342

You deserved it 200

By stpddog - 25/07/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, while trying to get my attention, my dog got her nail stuck in a usb port in my laptop. She freaked out and ran off, dragging it off my lap and through the house before if came off. Her nail was only slightly chipped- my laptop now has a cracked screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 506

You deserved it 8 964

Trust

By Goodtimes - 01/10/2019 20:01

Today, I had to dump my girlfriend because of tons of trust issues that kept reappearing. Shortly afterwards, my credit card disappeared and I got to experience my first identity theft. All within 24 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 822

You deserved it 124

By cauteriseme - 01/01/2011 15:37 - United Kingdom

Today, as the clock struck twelve for the new year, I was in the bathroom having a nosebleed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 417

You deserved it 4 131

By brokeandiknowit - 09/06/2017 05:00 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, I installed an app that notifies me of every purchase on my credit card. Now I'm being tormented by notification after notification as my wife decimates our finances. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 426

You deserved it 941

By sillyfox4lyfe - 07/05/2011 07:08 - United States

Today, I realized that I frequently argue with myself and respond back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 096

You deserved it 13 688

By Ilovelife07 - 19/09/2009 04:47 - United States

Today, I went out to lunch on my break. When I got back to work, I noticed I had something in my teeth. After trying to get it out with my tongue, I finally went to my car for some floss. I ended up pulling a 4 inch pube out of my back teeth. It certainly wasn't mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 662

You deserved it 9 557

By Gilly - 19/05/2017 18:00

Today, my kid felt bad that our cat didn't get an Easter egg hunt at Easter so he has hidden sardines around the house for her to find. The house reeks and I don't know how many are left to find. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 813

You deserved it 526

By shots shots shots - 12/02/2013 07:41 - United States - Redlands

Today, my needle-phobic mother took me to get a shot. She fainted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 344

You deserved it 2 969

How romantic!

By dislocated - 14/02/2018 20:30

Today, my boyfriend dislocated my jaw by sitting on my face while trying to fart on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 611

You deserved it 849

By Anonymous - 21/03/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was buying a new hockey stick; to test it out he started hitting a ball around the aisle and decided to shoot it back into its bin. Instead the ball hit me dead in the mouth, giving me a fat lip. Instead of consoling me, my boyfriend yelled "GOAL!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 867

You deserved it 6 680

By kilamo80 - 27/07/2013 09:26 - United States - Clarkston

Today, I found out why we've had to replace 3 washing machines this year. My sister thinks that "huge capacity" means "load the washing machine until no more clothes will fit." It blows the motor every time. She's 31. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 399

You deserved it 4 145

Inebriated utterances

By Brenden Alistair Maye - 30/07/2021 01:59

Today, after the girl I fell head over heels for asked me out last night, it turns out she was so drunk at the time, she doesn't remember and doesn't want to date me at all. I'm beginning to feel like my life is some shitty movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 843

You deserved it 87

Oh, the irony

By HassledAirfarer - 07/12/2009 02:08 - United States

Today, I was on a red-eye flight, and the woman beside me was chattering loudly to her friend. I opened my laptop and got to work. Suddenly, one of the women turned to me and told me that the clicking of my keyboard was too loud. She then called me an "inconsiderate, selfish bitch." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 929

You deserved it 2 427

By Anonymous - 28/09/2011 16:30 - United States

Today, while at work in the service department of a car dealership, I sat in the driver seat of an old man's car to get the mileage. He'd just pissed in the seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 361

You deserved it 2 642

By Poopy - 12/01/2009 16:19 - United States

Today, my man and I were having sex on edge of bed. We were using chocolate spread and I was riding him. When we were done, he got up and I noticed a long brown line on the edge of the bed. I knelt down to smell it. It was NOT chocolate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 243

You deserved it 8 065

By anda1000douchesscourthispostformistakes - 16/09/2015 13:42 - United States - Meriden

Today, I made it onto my boss's shit-list, after pointing out that he'd misspelled "customer" as "costumer" 6 times in his report, and "college education" as "collage education" twice. It'd be a dick move on his part even if making corrections like this weren't part of my damn job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 946

You deserved it 1 692

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Top comments

Catkam623 27

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Saturday 2 February 2013 16:03

Hey sock puppets are real people too. Well not really and based off my prior logic why were you third wheeling?

gc327072 30

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Saturday 2 February 2013 16:13

It ended well. They have a real close-knit relationship.

Catkam623 27

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Saturday 2 February 2013 16:03

Hey sock puppets are real people too. Well not really and based off my prior logic why were you third wheeling?

Damian95 16

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Saturday 2 February 2013 16:44

The nerve of some people.

rintintin19 5

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Saturday 2 February 2013 18:07

seriously, OP should have answered the phone and given them some privacy...quit sock blocking, OP.

imaginaryvoice 18

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Saturday 2 February 2013 19:34

Third wheeling in hopes of a threeway?

ohcheriecherie 20

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Saturday 2 February 2013 19:38

Well you know about socks.

kickass1stbase 7

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Saturday 2 February 2013 23:08

Did they have to put a sock on the door knob? Oh wait...

rintintin19 5

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Sunday 3 February 2013 0:39

i'd love to see how that goes..

scarface90 8

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Sunday 3 February 2013 8:44

If it turns into a hot date, make sure the socks use protection...you don't wanna end up with foot fungus

sens3sfailing 24

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Sunday 3 February 2013 12:40

Or athletes foot

chrisjw27 18

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Saturday 2 February 2013 16:04

wow.

AwkwardPartyBear 24

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Saturday 2 February 2013 16:07

This comment.....so original.... so...magnificent. How did you think of such a comment? You are a true genius.

RvidxrKlvn 8

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Saturday 2 February 2013 17:04

Remember #2, every comment you make needs to resemble the work of Aristotle, Platos, Socrates and other great thinker of society because that's what FML is for.

sig4life 18

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Saturday 2 February 2013 18:15

OMG, LOL, WOW. Apparently #2 has a problem with complex words. Thanks for the informative comment. Now pass, because you have been token for too long. Remember it is puff puff pass.

Whaaaaaat734 6

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Saturday 2 February 2013 22:48

49- You killed it...

Soloman212 28

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Sunday 3 February 2013 0:02

Guys, I'm going to make a super original comment about how #2 made a super unoriginal comment! This thread needs more of that.

rintintin19 5

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Sunday 3 February 2013 0:47

#33, i believe you mean sock-rates...i couldn't resist :s

ohcheriecherie 20

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Sunday 3 February 2013 4:08

49, can you not?

chrisjw27 18

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Sunday 3 February 2013 16:21

I think I've discovered the Internet equivalent of angry villagers at my door with torches and pitchforks...

ragini95 16

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Sunday 3 February 2013 23:57

everyone hating on #2's comment - it's fucked up that all of you are being so rude about a small insignificant thing. you sound like bullies.

Whaaaaaat734 6

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Friday 15 February 2013 8:30

116- Nobodycares.jpg

kumonsucks 7

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Saturday 2 February 2013 16:05

Bro you do have a life. Answer the phone next time.

SerpentBoy 8

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Saturday 2 February 2013 16:07

Obviously he does not have a life, or he wouldn't be playing with sock puppets..

biggestfan23 11

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Saturday 2 February 2013 16:17

It's a female by the way

XxDevilxXGt 26

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Saturday 2 February 2013 16:45

Answer the phone and sock it to em!

Starcatch77 20

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Saturday 2 February 2013 22:13

What if the phone call had actually been a guy who wanted to ask her out on a date? THAT'S irony.

yusaku02 20

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Saturday 2 February 2013 16:07

How did their date end?

gc327072 30

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Saturday 2 February 2013 16:13

It ended well. They have a real close-knit relationship.

iOceanus 18

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Saturday 2 February 2013 19:21

She gets the sock on the first date.

Fuji76 15

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Saturday 2 February 2013 19:49

It ended with one stiff sock and one crusty sock! Lol

Moep20 24

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Saturday 2 February 2013 16:08

There is nothing wrong with sock puppets. Still I ask myself: How old are you? ^^

zandalee 19

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Sunday 3 February 2013 0:20

...and how do you play with sock puppets for four hours. That is so sad.

AwkwardPartyBear 24

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Saturday 2 February 2013 16:08

Those damn phone calls interupting their date. F the sock puppets' life.

cheertrombonist 9

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Saturday 2 February 2013 16:33

Interrupting sock puppet dates? Ain't nobody got time fo dat.

need2sleep 15

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Saturday 2 February 2013 16:08

Hope you used clean socks otherwise there may never be a second date!

Bluekaren16 19

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Saturday 2 February 2013 18:48

She can always wash them if they get a little dirty while performing ; )

SerpentBoy 8

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Saturday 2 February 2013 16:10

Were they on a date at your place, or did you also construct a movie theater and bar for them? Oh, did the hit it off?

mangoboy1 19

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Saturday 2 February 2013 16:11

The gangs all here...

eaglerob 20

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Saturday 2 February 2013 16:13

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

Show it anyway

gc327072 30

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Saturday 2 February 2013 18:05

Socks don't, but panty hose do! (sp?)

Nearly

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46

You deserved it 3

Today, my girlfriend called off our plans to get married, all because I didn't “make enough time” while I was busy renovating the house for her parents to come over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 140

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 326

You deserved it 394

Today, my 9 year-old son told me that sometimes he gets stiff “down there.” I assured him that it’s perfectly normal, but then he added that it only happens when he hears his stomach growling. Um, what? FML

I agree, your life sucks 468

You deserved it 61

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