Today, I got so lonely I decided to make sock puppets and play...

By ineedalife - 2/2/2013 12:08 - Australia

Today, I got so lonely I decided to make sock puppets and play with them. I played for four hours straight, only to be interrupted by a phone call. I didn't answer because my sock puppets were "on a date" and I didn't want to stop playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35415

You deserved it

22351

Favorite

Miscellaneous

Creepy

Boozehound alert

Gas giant

By John Doe - 7/1/2020 05:00

Shaving!

Today, my girlfriend told me that if I shaved, my penis might seem bigger. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1937

You deserved it

435

Favorite

By boohoo - 6/9/2009 14:21 - Ireland

Today, I was fired from my catering job for pointing out the unsafe food conditions. I'm studying food safety in college. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39629

You deserved it

6100

Favorite

By lonesomegal - 30/1/2015 18:11 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my sister asked me how my boyfriend was doing. He died two years ago. She was the first person I told. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33278

You deserved it

2432

Favorite

By lulu - 18/3/2019 04:00 - United States - Federal Way

Today is Christmas Day and I received my test results via email: Invasive Cancer. Yesterday, my husband of 30 years asked for a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3188

You deserved it

128

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/11/2012 06:17 - United States - Oakland

Today, I saw my cat playing with one of his many toy mice. Knowing he likes to play fetch, I picked it up and threw it across the room. Upon trying to pick it up a second time, I realized that not only was it not a toy, but it was only half-dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27171

You deserved it

3651

Favorite

By Laura - 11/3/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I was waiting for the pan to heat up so I could make myself scrambled eggs. Just then, my mom runs up to me, cracks an egg open on my head, and runs away laughing. I only had one other egg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32429

You deserved it

4585

Favorite

By Flabbergasted - 6/2/2009 21:32 - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has been having an affair with another woman. He works with me and the woman also works in the same company. She is also married and is now 6 months pregnant. They are throwing a baby shower for her on Monday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38611

You deserved it

2230

Favorite

By Blood on my hands - 7/8/2013 05:40 - United States

Today, I sprayed down some ants in my house. In the sea of ant corpses was a single living ant seemingly cradling a dead one in its arms. I'm convinced I just became the villain in an epic tragedy. Now I have to live with my ant problem because I can't bear to tear another family apart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53063

You deserved it

25656

Favorite

By Andrew - 23/10/2012 19:12 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting intimate, and I gave her a condom to put on me. She tried to open it with her teeth, but ripped it. That was my only condom. I'm now sitting here watching a soap opera with a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36348

You deserved it

11390

Favorite

By bugger - 22/2/2015 17:31

Today, I looked my boyfriend in the eyes and said "I love y-" He cut me off with, "Babe, a blowjob's worth a thousand words" and held eye contact until I awkwardly excused myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40838

You deserved it

5132

Favorite

By chloe - 29/6/2009 09:44 - Australia

Today, I was rushing to get on the train to work as I heard the "door closing" beeps. I was about to step onto the train when a man pushed me out of the way so that he could get on. My handbag fell out of my hand into the carriage. I stayed on the platform. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58953

You deserved it

3105

Favorite

By tkr - 6/2/2012 03:14 - United Kingdom

Today, I jokingly told my boyfriend that he should sing that song that goes 'I'm too sexy for my shirt' when we have sex. Now, every time that we have sex, that song is going to be stuck in my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9896

You deserved it

39759

Favorite

By Jenn - 24/9/2017 10:00 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, I had my first astounding orgasm during which I simultaneously shit myself and vomited. So thankful my new partner was present. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5173

You deserved it

594

Favorite

By Anonymous - 15/5/2010 19:41 - United States

Today, I stopped at a yellow light. The guy behind me did not. He had no insurance. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37574

You deserved it

6898

Favorite

By shway - 15/7/2009 23:22 - United States

Today, I was at the grocery with my 4 year old daughter. She needed me to tie one of her shoes so I bent down. When I was done, I tickled her under the armpit and she screamed "Don't touch me there!". Everyone in the store turned to stare. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51388

You deserved it

7208

Favorite

By Anonymous - 23/8/2016 08:38

Today, my religious dad caught my brother jerking off and decided to give us both a lecture about it. My brother ended up saying "If god doesn't want me to jerk off, how come he made my knob the perfect shape to fit in my hand?" I burst out laughing and now we're both grounded. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26951

You deserved it

2862

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/9/2018 04:00

Today, we were at church when I pulled my toddler’s hand out of his pants and he screamed "I WAS MAKING MY PENIS BIG!" I need a new church. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3408

You deserved it

406

Favorite

By pinkleopleurodon - 9/12/2011 12:23 - United States

Today, after my roommate decided to become a vegetarian, her new food choices are making her pass deadly, nauseating gas all night. We have a busted window that won't open. I'm afraid I may not live to see tomorrow morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31961

You deserved it

2557

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 03:30

Superanty Man

Today, I met my father-in-law for the first time. He went on a big rant how men are superior intellects and women contribute nothing to society. Ironic, as it took me, a woman, 30 seconds to notice it's biologically impossible for him to be my husband's father. After 33 years, both he and my husband haven't figured it out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1582

You deserved it

190

Favorite

By selfesteemboost - 27/1/2012 17:14 - Belize

Today, one of my dorm-mates started laughing at a bra hanging to dry in our bathroom. She thought it was hilarious that a college student would still have "such small, baby tits." It was my bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29975

You deserved it

3069

Favorite

By Anonymous - 2/3/2011 11:20 - United States

Today, my roommate came home and instantly began raging, cursing, and threatening to kill me. While I was cowering in my bedroom, the police had to settle the situation. All I'd done was rearrange some furniture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37451

You deserved it

6301

Favorite

By Anonymous - 14/5/2016 15:48

Today, a very attractive man asked me out on a date, and I said yes. He is tall, charming and a very good kisser. I'm sure the woman he heavily made out with after I left would agree. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12663

You deserved it

950

Favorite

By hdat - 11/6/2009 17:51 - Canada

Today, I woke up from a dream about finding a vending machine that gave me free food. I kept eating, it was so satisfying words could not describe how great it felt. Then I realized my hands were in between my legs, I had been touching myself dreaming about free food from a vending machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

72747

You deserved it

16142

Favorite

By ShutTheFuCupcake - 13/5/2014 23:46 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I flexed so hard for a selfie, I gave myself a hernia. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24599

You deserved it

70678

Favorite

By SingleStrongArm - 3/5/2013 05:16 - Canada - Oshawa

Today, marks the third week in which my girlfriend has gone without taking a shower. She does this every so often, taking showers roughly once per month. She's convinced baby wipes will "hold her over". FML

I agree, your life sucks

58572

You deserved it

9737

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/5/2015 16:46 - United Kingdom - Loughton

Today, while making out with my boyfriend, I sneezed so hard that my head shot forward and smashed against his, sending his head backwards against the wall. He ended up with a concussion, and I still feel like someone hit me over the head with a chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28689

You deserved it

3783

Favorite

By Matthew - 4/7/2018 22:30

Today, during science, my friend thought it would be funny to pour corrosive acids into the reaction test I was making. I had to explain to my parents why I have no eyebrows, but the worst part is that I only got a D. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3498

You deserved it

279

Favorite

By Now What - 8/9/2016 17:04 - United States - South Otselic

Today, my boyfriend told me he only loves me sometimes. He explained what days he chooses to love me and what days he doesn't want to. I told him that's not how it works. He disagreed. He's 27. He still doesn't understand why this is a problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13722

You deserved it

1287

Favorite

By cachucy - 18/3/2012 15:04 - United States - Geneva

Today, I was walking to a café with my soon-to-be boss. While crossing a busy street, I slipped in a puddle and accidentally grabbed his junk to catch myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32624

You deserved it

3502

Favorite

By R - 28/10/2009 22:29 - United Kingdom

Today, at work we were gathered to be told some bad news. One of our colleagues would be taking indefinite leave because his wife had dropped their newborn baby. I accidentally laughed at the image. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15587

You deserved it

61404

Favorite

By Anonymous - 8/10/2010 12:01 - United States

Today, after me and my boyfriend had pretty much amazing sex, he took off the condom and started swinging it back and forth, all while making the sounds of a clock and saying, "You are getting sleepy." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32318

You deserved it

6710

Favorite

By Anonymous - 16/11/2010 06:34 - Netherlands

Today, I came home sick. After a while I received a text message. I thought it was a sweet 'how are you baby?' from my boyfriend. It wasn't. He sent: 'Hey, I'm going to work now. Please do not disturb. Thank you!' FML

I agree, your life sucks

25974

You deserved it

5959

Favorite

By meandme - 4/3/2014 22:55 - Canada - Fort Vermilion

Today, I saw a kid getting bullied; a girl was hitting him in the head. After having an inner struggle with what to do, I tried to stop them. Both kids then turned on me, and called me a "hippo". FML

I agree, your life sucks

42586

You deserved it

4422

Favorite

By Tall Oaf - 14/7/2018 01:30

Today, my ex of 2 months, who I'm on good terms with, posted an Instagram photo with her new boyfriend, captioned "Love you babe, 4 months have never been sweeter." I've never been good at math, but 4 seems bigger than 2. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4135

You deserved it

275

Favorite

By assante2010 - 24/7/2011 00:09 - United States

Today, my friends and I went to the strip club for my birthday. I now know how my sister is paying for her new car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58244

You deserved it

6852

Favorite

By flicmybicgrl - 23/9/2020 08:01

Look where you're going

Today, I was heading to class with all of my books and papers in my arms. To prevent tripping and falling down the stairs, I decided to take the elevator. On my way there, I slipped and fell because my books were blocking the wet floor sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks

934

You deserved it

220

Favorite

By thanksmom - 9/1/2013 19:57 - United States - Tucson

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents. As he was loading his truck, I went inside to take a surreptitious shit. I ended up clogging the toilet, and so the first thing my mom said to my boyfriend was, "You'll have to find another bathroom; she just clogged it all up." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33516

You deserved it

7737

Favorite

By OutOfTheCloset - 2/6/2012 06:50 - United States - Clifton

Today, I came out of the closet. I came out on Facebook to spare myself awkward conversations and gossip. I wrote a deeply meaningful status about my partner and my pride in who I was. The only responses were, "Lol", "Hacked", and similar remarks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33640

You deserved it

12913

Favorite

By Noname - 17/3/2009 02:41 - United States

Today, I got a phone call saying I was no longer a bridesmaid for a wedding in June. It's my mom's 4th wedding. I'm getting replaced by our dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

222404

You deserved it

18935

Favorite

By uhhggggg - 2/1/2010 17:16 - France

Today, I was trying to be dirty with my fiancé. He got really into the roleplaying and wouldn't stop pretending to be a cop for hours. Mood officially killed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20394

You deserved it

4272

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Catkam623 | 27

#5351226 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:03

Hey sock puppets are real people too. Well not really and based off my prior logic why were you third wheeling?

By gc327072 | 29

#5351254 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:13

It ended well. They have a real close-knit relationship.

COMMENTS

By Catkam623 | 27

#5351226 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:03

Hey sock puppets are real people too. Well not really and based off my prior logic why were you third wheeling?

Damian95 | 16

#5351288 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:44

The nerve of some people.

rintintin19 | 5

#5351363 - Saturday 2 February 2013 18:07

seriously, OP should have answered the phone and given them some privacy...quit sock blocking, OP.

imaginaryvoice | 18

#5351467 - Saturday 2 February 2013 19:34

Third wheeling in hopes of a threeway?

ohcheriecherie | 20

#5351477 - Saturday 2 February 2013 19:38

Well you know about socks.

kickass1stbase | 7

#5351682 - Saturday 2 February 2013 23:08

Did they have to put a sock on the door knob? Oh wait...

rintintin19 | 5

#5351753 - Sunday 3 February 2013 0:39

i'd love to see how that goes..

scarface90 | 8

#5352365 - Sunday 3 February 2013 8:44

If it turns into a hot date, make sure the socks use protection...you don't wanna end up with foot fungus

sens3sfailing | 24

#5352585 - Sunday 3 February 2013 12:40

Or athletes foot

By chrisjw27 | 18

#5351227 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:04

wow.

AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#5351239 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:07

This comment.....so original.... so...magnificent. How did you think of such a comment? You are a true genius.

RvidxrKlvn | 8

#5351312 - Saturday 2 February 2013 17:04

Remember #2, every comment you make needs to resemble the work of Aristotle, Platos, Socrates and other great thinker of society because that's what FML is for.

sig4life | 18

#5351374 - Saturday 2 February 2013 18:15

OMG, LOL, WOW.

Apparently #2 has a problem with complex words. Thanks for the informative comment. Now pass, because you have been token for too long. Remember it is puff puff pass.

Whaaaaaat734 | 6

#5351664 - Saturday 2 February 2013 22:48

49- You killed it...

Soloman212 | 28

#5351728 - Sunday 3 February 2013 0:02

Guys, I'm going to make a super original comment about how #2 made a super unoriginal comment! This thread needs more of that.

rintintin19 | 5

#5351759 - Sunday 3 February 2013 0:47

#33, i believe you mean sock-rates...i couldn't resist :s

ohcheriecherie | 20

#5352085 - Sunday 3 February 2013 4:08

49, can you not?

chrisjw27 | 18

#5352759 - Sunday 3 February 2013 16:21

I think I've discovered the Internet equivalent of angry villagers at my door with torches and pitchforks...

ragini95 | 16

#5353191 - Sunday 3 February 2013 23:57

everyone hating on #2's comment - it's fucked up that all of you are being so rude about a small insignificant thing. you sound like bullies.

Whaaaaaat734 | 6

#5368526 - Friday 15 February 2013 8:30

116- Nobodycares.jpg

By kumonsucks | 7

#5351235 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:05

Bro you do have a life. Answer the phone next time.

SerpentBoy | 8

#5351240 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:07

Obviously he does not have a life, or he wouldn't be playing with sock puppets..

biggestfan23 | 11

#5351267 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:17

It's a female by the way

XxDevilxXGt | 26

#5351289 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:45

Answer the phone and sock it to em!

Starcatch77 | 20

#5351636 - Saturday 2 February 2013 22:13

What if the phone call had actually been a guy who wanted to ask her out on a date? THAT'S irony.

By yusaku02 | 20

#5351238 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:07

How did their date end?

gc327072 | 29

#5351254 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:13

It ended well. They have a real close-knit relationship.

iOceanus | 18

#5351429 - Saturday 2 February 2013 19:21

She gets the sock on the first date.

Fuji76 | 15

#5351493 - Saturday 2 February 2013 19:49

It ended with one stiff sock and one crusty sock! Lol

By Moep20 | 24

#5351242 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:08

There is nothing wrong with sock puppets. Still I ask myself: How old are you? ^^

zandalee | 19

#5351739 - Sunday 3 February 2013 0:20

...and how do you play with sock puppets for four hours. That is so sad.

By AwkwardPartyBear | 24

#5351244 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:08

Those damn phone calls interupting their date. F the sock puppets' life.

cheertrombonist | 9

#5351279 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:33

Interrupting sock puppet dates?
Ain't nobody got time fo dat.

By need2sleep | 15

#5351245 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:08

Hope you used clean socks otherwise there may never be a second date!

Bluekaren16 | 19

#5351405 - Saturday 2 February 2013 18:48

She can always wash them if they get a little dirty while performing ; )

By SerpentBoy | 8

#5351248 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:10

Were they on a date at your place, or did you also construct a movie theater and bar for them? Oh, did the hit it off?

By mangoboy1 | 19

#5351250 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:11

The gangs all here...

By eaglerob | 20

#5351252 - Saturday 2 February 2013 16:13

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

gc327072 | 29

#5351362 - Saturday 2 February 2013 18:05

Socks don't, but panty hose do! (sp?)