Today, I was so lonely, I wound up talking for two hours to the...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was so lonely, I wound up talking for two hours to the creep who calls my number every Friday night and makes creepy obscene breathing noises on the other end of the phone. Turns out he's a better listener than my husband. FML

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Love

Serious times

Small town blues

Cake is everything

By howler - United States

Make it rain

Today, my mother walked in on me rubbing $400 in $20 bills all over myself. FML

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By Anonymous

Thievery Ltd.

Today, I saw a neglected potted palm tree on the front porch of what I thought was an empty house down the street from me. I took it home to nurse it back to health. When I got home from work, it was gone. Later, when taking a walk, I spotted the palm, right back on the porch I'd taken it from. FML

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By Anonymous - Macedonia

Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML

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By dumper - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to go on a first date with this guy I had a crush on for months. It was such a big deal for me cause it was my first date ever. The first thing he says when we met was "I have to take a dump." I sat by myself for 10 minutes. FML

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By Headless - Denmark - Lyngby

Today, for our anniversary, I had made a small treasure hunt for my boyfriend, tying roses with notes of poetry to lampposts across campus to lead him to where we would have a romantic dinner. He couldn't find it because people had stolen the roses, or simply ripped them to pieces and thrown them away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New York

Today, I had a job interview. I didn't have any clothes suitable for the interview, so I went to the store early and bought some there. After the interview, I went to return the clothes, because they were so expensive. The hiring manager saw me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2020 02:00

Team breaking

Today, I went on a work team-building day at a snow park. Thirty minutes in, while I was climbing out of a slide, my 210 lb coworker ploughed into me in a donut ring. He obliterated my ankle and I've now got three months in a cast to look forward to. So much for the building. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Richmond

Today, my boyfriend and I lost our virginity to one another. He then did a naked victory lap around his dad's house, blasting Akon's "I Just Had Sex" at full volume. He's legally an adult. FML

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By bad boyfriend - Canada

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house. She had promised me we'd get it on so I couldn't wait. When I got there, I didn't get it on. Instead, I got a list of reasons why I make her depressed. FML

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By Poordaughter5 - Germany

Today, my parents watched a horror movie with some creepy child in it. Apparently, I sound just like that kid when I call for my mom, so now she doesn't want me to call her mom anymore. FML

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By hail

Today, I told my parents I was pregnant but don’t know who the Dad is. My Mom said “that’s alright, I still don’t know who your dad is”. So apparently my father isn’t my real Dad. FML

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By TheHezzer - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered the hard way that all the scare stories I'd heard about rats getting into pipes and finding their way into your toilet are, in fact, true. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, it's been five days since I started my new job in a new town, just signed a lease on my new apartment too. Now I find out the company's closing down, and since I'm still on probation, I'm told I'm not entitled to any kind of severance. FML

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By awhmaaan - United Kingdom

Today, after suffering with bad constipation and having to eat special bread to get me to go, I have practically just pooped out a week's worth of food in 15 minutes, and I'm still going. I've passed the ring of fire stage, now I just can't feel my asshole. FML

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By Heretique - Norway

Today, we had to evaluate each other in class. Apparently I'm a quarrelsome, uncommitted, commanding bitch. FML

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12475

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By kaitlyna15 - United States - Bellevue

Today, while life-guarding, I had to explain to teenage boys that shoving objects up each others' butts and complaining that someone was giving them anal was inappropriate at a family facility in front of kids under the age of 10. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27864

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By luvs2spooge89 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went on a run. Going a decent pace, I passed a woman walking her dog. I joked, "C'mon! Keep up!" Thirty feet later I stepped in mud, rolled my ankle and fell. The woman walked by as I lay in agony, and told me to keep up. FML

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By your mother - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went out for ice cream. We somehow started talking about which of our relatives had died. Right when she was talking about how her grandfather had died, I started laughing. She had gotten ice cream all over her face. She broke up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, I've been chronically constipated so long that I was actually grateful for the sudden blast of diarrhea that ruined my pants. FML

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By marriedtoacunt - United Kingdom - London

Today, our kids left for the weekend so that my wife and I could have some much-needed alone time. We've been fighting a lot recently and really need some time to have fun together. Now it turns out that she doesn't want to be around me because of the fighting. FML

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By dasnich - United States

Today, after a twelve week dry spell followed by an eight week one, I decided to take a bit more initiative at seducing my girlfriend. Not only was she "not in the mood" again, but she offered me Trident Layers gum instead. She apparently thought that it was a fair trade. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office for a minor cold, and left with a diagnosis of pregnancy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my co-worker and I played a game where we give each other the bird in whatever creative manner we could come up with. Deciding to be sneaky, I hid behind a wall with my middle finger up as I heard him walking into the office. It was my boss. FML

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By x - United States - Lake Placid

Today, I finally met the girl I've been talking to on phone for a while and found her charming in person as well. There's just one problem: she has more facial hair than I do. FML

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By Sad Chef ;( - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. Being a chef of a highly-rated restaurant, I cooked a well-liked dish. Not only did she say no, but commented on how bland and tasteless the meal was. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was brutally tackled and detained by a group of people until the police arrived, because I fit the description of a wanted criminal who was featured on the news. This isn't the first time this has happened, and no style change I've tried has been able to avert it. FML

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By John - United States

Today, already knowing that my girlfriend wanted to be "just friends", I invited her over, hoping to change her mind. She was playfully drawing on me with a pen when I noticed she'd written "Emily's property" on my leg. I said "Aw, I'm yours?" She then drew a for-sale sign on me. FML

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By Humiliated & Heart-Broken - United States - Fort Worth

Today, I told my boyfriend that I loved him for the first time. The L-word is probably one of the only things I'm scared to say, so what did he do? He stared at me blankly before making a farting noise with his mouth and asking if he could go get Chicken Express for dinner. FML

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By Is_This_Real - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, the only constant person in my life is the guy that smokes outside my apartment building. FML

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By yarhyun1 - United States

Today, I realized just how messed up my life is, thanks to all the scare stories my wife sees on Dr Phil. She's now convinced that I'll start beating her someday. She's started taking martial arts classes, and threatens to use her skills every time I get even slightly frustrated with her. FML

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By Actrent

Today, the first gift I opened was from my uncle. It was $80 in clothes that I'd bought for myself a week earlier. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mom called me to tell me she'd got in touch with my ex for his birthday, and that the two of them had made a plan for us to get back together. My new boyfriend was in the process of proposing to me. FML

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By LexS12

Today, at the age of 21, I've been diagnosed with arthritis in my knees. There goes my volleyball career. FML

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By LicenseLoser

Today, I received a notice that I'm being fined for failure to renew my Florida license. I've lived in Maryland for the last seven years and I've never had a Florida license. FML

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By saddened97 - Australia

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he was fingering me. After he left, my mum says to me "I wish my sex life was as interesting as yours." She had walked in and we hadn't even noticed. FML

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By GAGirl1 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he wanted to drive to India. Thinking he meant Indiana, I said sure, knowing I have friends there. He said, "Bangladesh, India, here we come!" He was serious. FML

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By Gremlin - United Kingdom - Staines

Today, I noticed that my son only really looks like me when he's straining to take a dump. FML

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22811

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By fat and alone - United States - Birmingham

Today, I figured I needed to go on a diet when I discovered I could make farting noises with my neck. FML

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By no sir I have not - United States

Today, I was taking a patient's blood pressure, and listening for his pulse with my stethoscope. I couldn't hear anything, so I adjusted the cuff and tried again. Still no pulse. He pointed out that my stethoscope was the wrong way around and sneered, "You been smokin' the reefer, boy?" FML

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By raven_teen_titan - United States

Today, my dog wanted to go upstairs, but she has stitches and was having trouble. So I carried her to the top, at which point she peed all over my carpet. FML

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Top comments

By howslife123 | 0

#2100305 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:12

that's odd because every Friday night I call this desperate housewife and yesterday she ranted for two hours about how her husband still wears adult diapers

By SeaChicken | 0

#2100257 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:05

Thats ehh pretty disturbing?

COMMENTS

By SeaChicken | 0

#2100257 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:05

Thats ehh pretty disturbing?

kofinater | 3

#2101869 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:41

He's a better listener than your husband because he was jacking off to the sound of your voice...

wendyyyy | 0

#2102258 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:32

very disturbing...

FarSide | 22

#2102275 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:40

Ok. message me your number!

dancingxthexmoon | 0

#2102799 - Sunday 20 February 2011 8:28

0-0 what. don't you have friends? why the fuck would you talk to some creeper..usually when people are lonely, they go to their friends to talk and spend the time.

Canuck13 | 12

#2108374 - Monday 21 February 2011 20:52

That is one of the saddest things I've ever heard. Just don't start creeping your creeper or that will enter a whole new level of weirdness.

By Lufferkinz | 0

#2100260 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:05

Maybe you two should hook up.

jess6blondie9 | 2

#2102083 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:32

Nice blue waffle.

takeapieandrun | 9

#2102312 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:49

I agree

By jewjewB | 0

#2100267 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:06

wow your desperate he could be a stalker

Sodahpop | 0

#2100658 - Saturday 19 February 2011 17:43

duhh he is numb nuts

By jazziness | 12

#2100271 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:07

why wouldn't u just talk to your husband?

missy1228 | 2

#2100818 - Saturday 19 February 2011 18:36

that's war I thought

DearlyBeloved20 | 3

#2100934 - Saturday 19 February 2011 19:29

Cause apparently the stalker is a better listener

By Sorrows | 5

#2100273 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:07

Not totally creepy at all ..

yesiyes | 0

#2100719 - Saturday 19 February 2011 17:58

nope

By Doortje | 28

#2100276 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:08

There must've been other people you could've talked to. Why on earth would you go to such a creep? For all you know he could be dangerous. If you really felt that lonely you need help OP.

knowthyturtle | 0

#2100761 - Saturday 19 February 2011 18:13

sometimes its nice to get to know ur stalker

Doortje | 28

#2101152 - Saturday 19 February 2011 20:29

Is that your personal experience? Do you want to share it with us?

By tylerjs12 | 0

#2100282 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:08

ha rapist i bet

By Brayden93 | 0

#2100289 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:09

What if the creepy guy is her husband in disguise!

atomheartm_fml | 0

#2100331 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:17

Exactly what I was thinking, maybe it IS her husband!

AndelleRae | 9

#2100469 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:50

I thought the same thing, too.

By howslife123 | 0

#2100305 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:12

that's odd because every Friday night I call this desperate housewife and yesterday she ranted for two hours about how her husband still wears adult diapers

By seximexi911 | 10

#2100307 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:12

whoa I know there's someone else you can talk to. I'm pretty sure a few people on here will say " message me if you need someone to talk to..." but not if you keep talking to the creeper haha it kind of sends the wrong vibes

shannonreneee | 11

#2101637 - Saturday 19 February 2011 23:10

Why would anyone offer to help her without knowing her? That's stupid logic and I doubt she would take advice from a person with the username "seximexi"...

nersa426 | 0

#2120344 - Friday 25 February 2011 3:26

says the girl with ridiculous cleavage in her photo