Love: Today, I was so lonely, I wound up talking for two hours to the...

By Anonymous - 19/02/2011 06:17 - United States

Today, I was so lonely, I wound up talking for two hours to the creep who calls my number every Friday night and makes creepy obscene breathing noises on the other end of the phone. Turns out he's a better listener than my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 685

You deserved it 5 885

Love

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Compromises

Romance is dead

By fmyhabit - 15/04/2011 05:34 - United States

Today, I accidentally pocket dialed my sister while I was masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 816

You deserved it 57 283

True Love

By Marriedtoajew - 03/01/2018 19:00

Today, while in the hospital recovering from surgery, I got into a fight with my wife. Apparently, she feels that I shouldn’t have gone to the hospital because “Funerals cost less than surgery.” She brought an extremely detailed spreadsheet to prove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 822

You deserved it 410

By PUA - 15/03/2012 01:06 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her huge, ex-Marine father took me out back, saying he wanted to show me something. That something was a machete. He savagely buried it in a tree stump and said, "Son, if you break my daughter's heart, that'll be your dick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 101

You deserved it 6 539

By ej6901 - 23/06/2015 20:00 - United States - Ventnor City

Today, I left my dog in my car for 5 minutes while I ran into a store. The car was running so he was fine, the thing that wasn't so fine is that when I walked out my car wasn't there. My dog somehow moved my car into the middle of a intersection, almost causing an accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 760

You deserved it 19 036

By Anonymous - 31/01/2015 01:25 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, when making a delivery for the restaurant I work for, a customer shoved and yelled at me because she didn't get any fries with her order. She didn't order any, which isn't unusual, considering we're a Chinese takeaway and don't even sell them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 740

You deserved it 2 047

By EmbarrassedMess - 23/05/2017 19:00 - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I had what I thought would be an important (and formal) interview. Not only did I turn up completely overdressed, the man who was interviewing me arrived 30 minutes late. To top it all off, I was so distracted by his mysterious total lack of eyebrows that I forgot everything I had to say. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 110

You deserved it 485

By WTF? - 12/08/2013 04:49 - United States - Mesa

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she had ever broken up with anyone. She said, "Yes. You." and walked off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 256

You deserved it 6 532

By pleasestop - 11/06/2011 08:48 - Australia

Today, I woke up with bowel problems which have been causing me to violently pass wind every couple of minutes. I have to spend the next two hours sitting an exam in dead silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 124

You deserved it 3 411

By Anonymous - 15/09/2010 21:20 - United States

Today, in marching band, the guy in front of me backed up too far. As we turned, the back of his trombone hit mine, smashing it into my lip. I had to finish the song, sending blood down my horn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 620

You deserved it 4 143

By Photos - 20/02/2009 22:46 - United States

Today, after I got home from school I went to my room to find the maid had cleaned it, also to find a bag labeled "trash" it was all the sketches and paintings I had done in art class, which is my major plan for college. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 654

You deserved it 4 677

By JamesK - 15/12/2016 23:23

Today, I went out with my kids to eat at a nice restaurant. While I was in the bathroom, my 7-year-old daughter ordered 15 plates of "pearls" on the menu. Those "pearls" turned out to be salmon caviar. Guess who got a 425$ bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 872

You deserved it 2 592

By yes, yes it does :( - 30/04/2014 21:11 - United States

Today, I was waiting on a Canadian tourist at work, and he bought some of the most expensive stuff on the menu. I was excited about maybe getting a big tip, so I casually said that in the USA, waiters make most of our money off tips. The guy just snorted, "Sucks to be American, eh?!" and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 081

You deserved it 30 901

By Anonymous - 04/10/2009 13:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I found a letter in the postbox at my new flat which ran something along these lines of: "Hi. We're the gas company. You owe us £1,229.79 and have 7 days to pay us. Lotsa love, dated 7th September." FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 746

You deserved it 3 892

By Anonymous - 26/10/2011 23:44 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband on our anniversary day. He climbed on top of me and firmly placed his penis on my nose. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he burst into laughter and said I looked just like Squidward. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 456

You deserved it 5 870

By helpme - 15/07/2013 17:25 - Canada - Sudbury

Today, while waxing my bikini line, my husband thought it would be funny to scare me which caused me to close my legs. I am now sitting in the sink with my best friend pouring hot water "down there" trying to remove the wax. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 492

You deserved it 4 631

By Anonymous - 21/02/2016 10:55 - United Kingdom - Farnborough

Today, my brother accused me of faking my bipolar disorder for attention, all because I don't act the same as the bipolar girl in some TV show he watches. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 930

You deserved it 1 657

By boom - 17/03/2011 21:26 - United States

Today, my crush gave me a ride home. When I opened the door to get out, he switched the gear to reverse, thinking the car was in park. I got run over by the car door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 075

You deserved it 3 753

By rj - 06/03/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist after 24 hours of severe tooth pain. They did an emergency root canal. After the anesthesia wore off, within minutes, the pain returned only worse than before. Called the dentist, I had to return, only to find they had done the root canal on the wrong tooth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 196

You deserved it 3 024

By Arcanin3Boss - 23/06/2015 06:37 - United States - Portland

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to eat dinner with his parents. Everyone wanted me to start the family prayer, and although I hadn't done one in years, I accepted. It went well until I remembered you say "Amen" at the end, not "Uh... Bye." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 309

You deserved it 6 000

By FavreFan99 - 01/01/2010 17:01 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me it was her fantasy to orgasm at midnight on New Years. We got started at 11:53. I didn't last until midnight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 471

You deserved it 23 486

The Voice

By NotChadKrouger - 11/05/2011 15:19

Today, I was auditioning for a talent show. I asked my girlfriend if I could sing to her before I went. She said sure. Thirty seconds in, she got up and mumbled, "You're only going to embarrass yourself." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 369

You deserved it 14 923

By merse - 18/02/2010 13:20 - United States

Today, my parents decided they won't pay for college because of a Fox News story that said higher education "makes you liberal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 945

You deserved it 3 133

By Ugh - 27/02/2013 21:42 - United Kingdom

Today, my 20-year-old daughter staggered into my room at two in the morning, drunker than I ever thought a person could be, screaming for me to make pancakes for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 418

You deserved it 7 719

By Anonymous - 26/05/2014 03:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found out that if I'm not home and my roommates have girls over, my room is the designated "fart room". FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 167

You deserved it 4 490

Infantilizing

By this is why! - 30/10/2021 18:00 - United States

Today, my wife is angry with me for lying to her and “treating her like a child”. Knowing how long it takes her to get ready, I told her an event we were attending started an hour and a half before it really did. Even with the extra time, we barely made it. She still thinks I’m wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 360

You deserved it 97

Whoops

By CheLi - 08/12/2009 05:09 - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally invited me over to his parents house so I could meet them. My boyfriend, his dad and I were sitting in the living room, when I saw a really sketchy person outside, so I said, "There is some creepy hobo man outside, messing with your trash." The "creepy hobo" was his mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 869

You deserved it 41 053

By _RobotInDisguise - 09/12/2009 23:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I received a 4 page letter in the post from a woman telling me she was Alan's wife. She spoke about their wedding in 2004, their two beautiful kids who love their daddy very much (she included pictures), and how much she loves him. Alan is my husband of 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 728

You deserved it 2 936

Trapped

By obeezy - 30/04/2009 19:56 - United States

Today, I didn't have any money to buy a tampon from the dispenser at my school but my hands are small enough so I can just slide them up and grab one. My hand got stuck in the dispenser and my school had to call the fire department. Now everyone calls me "Tampon Girl." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 861

You deserved it 69 737

By sweetie808 - 28/01/2016 08:39 - United States - Kailua Kona

Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 666

You deserved it 1 775

By Username - 21/01/2011 01:41

Today, while trying to explain to my date that a small coffee would be fine, I said "I'm cheap and I'm easy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 148

You deserved it 34 133

By Aly - 09/12/2011 15:40 - United States

Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 023

You deserved it 5 805

Practical

By Abused - 13/10/2010 08:36 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend used my love handles as ACTUAL love handles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 820

You deserved it 20 047

By Anonymous - 26/01/2017 00:00

Today, I'm dating a guy who's back hair is longer than his dick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 178

You deserved it 1 536

She'll come around

By Anonymous - 05/05/2021 22:05

Today, my only friend confessed she loved me, but I’m not a lesbian so I had to let her down. Apparently she thought I was a lesbian too, so she ran away mortified. I just got a text that she can’t see me anymore, because it’s too painful. I have no relatives and now no friends. I’m totally alone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 210

You deserved it 86

Alexa, play "Jump" by Van Halen

By Thescarlettfox - 01/03/2020 21:00

Today, I had the brilliant idea of jumping off a swing at its highest point. I can now add two things to my list of accomplishments: making out with a tree and breaking my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 531

You deserved it 1 321

Love is love

By PetNameNoy - 08/05/2021 23:59

Today, my girlfriend is giving me the silent treatment and is making me sleep on the couch, all because I said I loved my best female friend. I meant loved like family. She still won’t hear me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 678

You deserved it 651

By audreyav - 30/06/2012 08:10 - United States - Dallas

Today, I discovered my cat's favorite hobby: sitting butthole-first on my favorite makeup brush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 681

You deserved it 3 444

By Motionless - 26/05/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. This is the seventh time in a row that she hasn't moved or made any noises the entire way through. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 929

You deserved it 23 702

By FootInMouth - 20/01/2015 19:16 - South Africa

Today, I made fun of a friend at a dinner party after he forgot to put his engagement ring on. It turned out his fiancée actually ended the engagement last week, and everyone thinks I was being spiteful just because the girl is my ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 152

You deserved it 9 185

By Told_You_So - 09/07/2009 06:33 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my mom and dad. My mom turned around and asked, "Have you had sex yet?" I said no, which is true. My dad cracked up and said, "Told you so!" My mom frowned, took out her wallet, and handed him $20. My parents bet on my nonexistent sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 920

You deserved it 5 044

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Top comments

howslife123 0

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Saturday 19 February 2011 16:12

that's odd because every Friday night I call this desperate housewife and yesterday she ranted for two hours about how her husband still wears adult diapers

SeaChicken 0

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Saturday 19 February 2011 16:05

Thats ehh pretty disturbing?

SeaChicken 0

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Saturday 19 February 2011 16:05

Thats ehh pretty disturbing?

kofinater 3

Sunday 20 February 2011 0:41

He's a better listener than your husband because he was jacking off to the sound of your voice...

wendyyyy 0

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Sunday 20 February 2011 2:32

very disturbing...

FarSide 22

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Sunday 20 February 2011 2:40

Ok. message me your number!

dancingxthexmoon 0

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Sunday 20 February 2011 8:28

0-0 what. don't you have friends? why the fuck would you talk to some creeper..usually when people are lonely, they go to their friends to talk and spend the time.

Canuck13 12

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Monday 21 February 2011 20:52

That is one of the saddest things I've ever heard. Just don't start creeping your creeper or that will enter a whole new level of weirdness.

Lufferkinz 0

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Saturday 19 February 2011 16:05

Maybe you two should hook up.

jess6blondie9 2

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Sunday 20 February 2011 1:32

Nice blue waffle.

takeapieandrun 9

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Sunday 20 February 2011 2:49

I agree

jewjewB 0

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Saturday 19 February 2011 16:06

wow your desperate he could be a stalker

Sodahpop 0

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Saturday 19 February 2011 17:43

duhh he is numb nuts

jazziness 12

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Saturday 19 February 2011 16:07

why wouldn't u just talk to your husband?

missy1228 2

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Saturday 19 February 2011 18:36

that's war I thought

DearlyBeloved20 3

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Saturday 19 February 2011 19:29

Cause apparently the stalker is a better listener

Sorrows 5

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Saturday 19 February 2011 16:07

Not totally creepy at all ..

yesiyes 0

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Saturday 19 February 2011 17:58

nope

Doortje 29

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Saturday 19 February 2011 16:08

There must've been other people you could've talked to. Why on earth would you go to such a creep? For all you know he could be dangerous. If you really felt that lonely you need help OP.

knowthyturtle 0

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Saturday 19 February 2011 18:13

sometimes its nice to get to know ur stalker

Doortje 29

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Saturday 19 February 2011 20:29

Is that your personal experience? Do you want to share it with us?

tylerjs12 0

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Saturday 19 February 2011 16:08

ha rapist i bet

Brayden93 0

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Saturday 19 February 2011 16:09

What if the creepy guy is her husband in disguise!

atomheartm_fml 0

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Saturday 19 February 2011 16:17

Exactly what I was thinking, maybe it IS her husband!

AndelleRae 9

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Saturday 19 February 2011 16:50

I thought the same thing, too.

howslife123 0

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Saturday 19 February 2011 16:12

that's odd because every Friday night I call this desperate housewife and yesterday she ranted for two hours about how her husband still wears adult diapers

seximexi911 10

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Saturday 19 February 2011 16:12

whoa I know there's someone else you can talk to. I'm pretty sure a few people on here will say " message me if you need someone to talk to..." but not if you keep talking to the creeper haha it kind of sends the wrong vibes

shannonreneee 11

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Saturday 19 February 2011 23:10

Why would anyone offer to help her without knowing her? That's stupid logic and I doubt she would take advice from a person with the username "seximexi"...