Today, I was so lonely, I wound up talking for two hours to the...

By Anonymous - 19/2/2011 06:17 - United States

Today, I was so lonely, I wound up talking for two hours to the creep who calls my number every Friday night and makes creepy obscene breathing noises on the other end of the phone. Turns out he's a better listener than my husband. FML

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Love

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Long story short

By E_G_G_S_O_U_P - 8/12/2016 13:12

Today whilst riding my brand new dirt bike for the first time, the chain broke and slashed me down the back of the left leg with such force that it chipped the bone. FML

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By Bitch its me - 17/1/2009 11:11 - Korea Republic of

Today, I got up at five, got dressed, and walked halfway to work in the snow. I then realized that it's Sunday. I also forgot my keys. FML

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By Anonymous Pillock - 30/4/2014 22:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I came across a street musician. He looked extremely well-fed already, but his music was pretty good, so I gave him some spare change. As soon as I turned away, he started screaming at me for being "cheap", and chased me half a block before running out of breath. FML

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By JAdams - 13/8/2012 00:49 - United States - Newkirk

Today, I walked in on my fifteen-year-old son and his friends attempting to set up a rudimentary meth lab in his bedroom. I'm not sure whether to be angrier that they simply tried this, or that they thought burning up baking soda would somehow produce methamphetamine. FML

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By emeraldapostle - 17/5/2019 01:59

Today, both a coworker of mine and my boss agreed that I fit the profile of a serial killer. I don't know what's worse, the fact that they think that low of me, or the fact that this isn't the first time someone's said I remind them of a serial killer. FML

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By Pandathepilot - 10/11/2017 15:00

Say hello to my plastic friend!

Today, my principal made me visit "anti-violence" classes because I had a picture of me threatening a man with a gun on my Facebook page. It was taken during the school play, where I was acting as a gangster and the gun was just a toy. The principal saw the play. FML

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By CessnaPilot - 13/12/2011 03:47 - United States

Today, I fell off a ladder while building a shelter for one of my wife's horses. I think I broke some ribs. I absolutely hate horses. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2017 00:00 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, on a train to the airport the ticket inspector pointed out that my girlfriend and I hadn't activated our tickets. He suggested one of us get off and activate them at the next station. Now I'm on the moving train with all our luggage and she's waving from the platform with our tickets. FML

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By uterus why - 1/2/2019 16:00

Today, I have realised that since I get laid so infrequently, every time I have sex now, it kickstarts my period. FML

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By skyhigh - 13/1/2011 05:48 - United States

Today, I discovered my parents have spent my college fund because "2012 will happen" before I graduate. FML

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By TingBarter - 9/7/2009 15:00 - United States

Today, I heard a student in the class I assist having trouble with a download. I walked over and showed him how to save to his flash drive, and how to use 7z to unzip said file. I then found out I'd just assisted him in downloading a half gig of porn during class. FML

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By AwkwardMoments - 26/1/2017 14:00

Today, while napping on the couch, I had a very vivid dream about a girl I like. I woke up to my mother and father choking back laughter and recording me on their phones. I don't know what's worse: waking up with a boner in front of my parents or finding out I was also talking dirty in my sleep. FML

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By AnxietyGirl - 24/9/2012 07:18 - United States - Parker

Today, I had to admit that I desperately need anti-anxiety medication. Apparently, when you walk around a grocery store avoiding eye contact and generally acting "sketchy", management will call the police on you, who will then pat you down to be sure you aren't shoplifting. FML

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By Leash - 23/10/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, I was walking down the street in downtown Charleston where there are a lot of horse-drawn carriage tours and I decided to pick up some litter. Some of it was in a puddle of water, but after I picked up the trash, I realized the puddle was horse urine. FML

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By Username - 14/7/2011 20:09 - United States

Today, I walked in on my father and brother attempting to harmonize their farts. FML

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By jinxofsocal - 21/6/2009 04:16 - United States

Today, was my boyfriend's birthday. He wanted a blowjob while playing Call of Duty 4. In typical gamer fashion, he slammed his controller down when he died. Into my head. FML

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By outofajob - 1/1/2015 23:03 - United States - Farmington

Today, I gave feedback on how the store is run at the owners' request, because they don't understand why everyone keeps quitting. I guess they took it personally, because they asked me not to come back. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2013 13:25 - United States - Elk Grove

Today, my idiot horse decided to grab a mouthful of stinging nettles while I was riding him. He panicked at the burning sensation in his mouth and bucked me off. Don't worry, though, my fall was cushioned, by the nettles. FML

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By ouchmytits - 28/3/2011 06:42 - United States

Today, I was cooking, and I took a pot of boiling water to the sink to drain. My pot holder slipped, and the boiling water spilled all over my breasts. Second degree boob burns are bad, but losing half a nipple to potato salad is worse. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2010 01:53 - United States

Today, I was loading a very large box into my hatchback. I was really struggling, and a few people walked by and laughed. Then a car pulled up and waited for the spot. There isn't a spring to hold my trunk open, so it slammed onto my head. Twice. The car honked for me to hurry up. FML

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By Jesse from - 3/8/2010 10:21 - United States

Today, I tried to act nonchalant in front of my neighbors, and swing my lanyard around with my keys on it. It flew off my finger and into their yard. FML

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By chevygirl51 - 28/5/2014 21:12 - United States

Today, I took my driving test. It was all going well until out of habit from driving with my boyfriend, I reached over and held my instructor's hand. FML

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By KayyElOh94 - 17/10/2014 22:30 - United States

Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through the living room completely naked with her bottle, laughing his head off. FML

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By daniel55 - 18/2/2013 00:11 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. As I shook her father's hand, he squeezed with an ungodly amount of force, leaned in with a smile, and murmured that my balls will be the next thing he'll crush if his daughter ever complains about me. FML

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By SkipBeatOtaku - 16/5/2020 20:00

A load of hot air

Today, I was having hot sex with my boyfriend. Then, I felt a puff of air hit my face and a rancid smell. My dog had farted in my face. FML

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By 1942ford - 23/7/2013 02:18 - United States - Lynnwood

Today, I called an airline to try to locate a bag I left on a flight. When I told the phone rep which airport I flew into, he asked me what city it was in. He paused after I told him, then asked me what state Seattle is in. I don't think I'll be getting my bag back. FML

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By Fire_Crotch - 14/8/2010 06:27 - Canada

Today, I turned the shower on the hottest setting so it would warm up quickly. I started to sing and dance around the bathroom. I got too carried away and pelvic thrusted the water, which I hadn't turned back down. FML

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By ohgod... - 2/4/2012 02:18 - Canada - Magog

Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, he called me "Mom." FML

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By girlshavepenises - 28/6/2011 06:39 - New Zealand

Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML

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By FootInMouth - 20/1/2015 19:16 - South Africa

Today, I made fun of a friend at a dinner party after he forgot to put his engagement ring on. It turned out his fiancée actually ended the engagement last week, and everyone thinks I was being spiteful just because the girl is my ex. FML

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By allison_fishing - 25/10/2012 04:37 - United States

Today, I woke up with pink eye. My mom tried to help by putting drops in. It started burning like hell; she didn't understand why. It turns out she was putting ear drops in my eye. FML

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By just great... - 22/2/2011 08:38

Today, I found a picture my husband had saved on the computer. It was of me, and he had named it "Fatter". FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2015 19:02 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2012 01:23 - Canada - Bedford

Today, I finally lost my virginity to my boyfriend. It hurt like hell, was over in less than a minute, and he tried to reuse the condom for a second round. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2010 02:09 - United States

Today, I nervously introduced my mother to my new boyfriend. I had to sit and watch her flirt with him for an hour. When I took her in the other room and confronted her about it, she said, "Don't you dare ruin this for me!" FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2019 22:00

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, I went to pick up my last paycheck, since I was fired last week. My boss said he wasn't going to give it to me. I told him it's illegal not to, and he told me with a shit-eating grin, "What are you gonna do? Arrest me?" FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2014 20:43 - United States - Tempe

Today, I overheard my brother telling his friend that having sex with a girl who's on the pill gives the guy female hormones and "turns you into like, half-chick, half-dude." He was serious. How am I related to this moron? FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2015 14:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my 30th birthday. My husband came home with a big case of beer for himself, then told me he didn't have time to get me a present because of work. FML

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By LucidNightmare - 27/1/2013 05:38 - United States - Englewood

Today, I got a text from an unknown number saying, "You shouldn't be eating that." I was eating a piece of chocolate, cheating on my diet. FML

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By stormblade27 - 28/1/2019 02:00

Today, my friend told me to try dating apps, saying, “What's the worst that could happen?” I just finished paying some girl $100 to not send a dick pic to all my Facebook friends. FML

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Top comments

By howslife123 | 0

#2100305 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:12

that's odd because every Friday night I call this desperate housewife and yesterday she ranted for two hours about how her husband still wears adult diapers

By SeaChicken | 0

#2100257 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:05

Thats ehh pretty disturbing?

COMMENTS

By SeaChicken | 0

#2100257 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:05

Thats ehh pretty disturbing?

kofinater | 3

#2101869 - Sunday 20 February 2011 0:41

He's a better listener than your husband because he was jacking off to the sound of your voice...

wendyyyy | 0

#2102258 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:32

very disturbing...

FarSide | 22

#2102275 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:40

Ok. message me your number!

dancingxthexmoon | 0

#2102799 - Sunday 20 February 2011 8:28

0-0 what. don't you have friends? why the fuck would you talk to some creeper..usually when people are lonely, they go to their friends to talk and spend the time.

Canuck13 | 12

#2108374 - Monday 21 February 2011 20:52

That is one of the saddest things I've ever heard. Just don't start creeping your creeper or that will enter a whole new level of weirdness.

By Lufferkinz | 0

#2100260 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:05

Maybe you two should hook up.

jess6blondie9 | 2

#2102083 - Sunday 20 February 2011 1:32

Nice blue waffle.

takeapieandrun | 9

#2102312 - Sunday 20 February 2011 2:49

I agree

By jewjewB | 0

#2100267 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:06

wow your desperate he could be a stalker

Sodahpop | 0

#2100658 - Saturday 19 February 2011 17:43

duhh he is numb nuts

By jazziness | 12

#2100271 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:07

why wouldn't u just talk to your husband?

missy1228 | 2

#2100818 - Saturday 19 February 2011 18:36

that's war I thought

DearlyBeloved20 | 3

#2100934 - Saturday 19 February 2011 19:29

Cause apparently the stalker is a better listener

By Sorrows | 5

#2100273 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:07

Not totally creepy at all ..

yesiyes | 0

#2100719 - Saturday 19 February 2011 17:58

nope

By Doortje | 28

#2100276 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:08

There must've been other people you could've talked to. Why on earth would you go to such a creep? For all you know he could be dangerous. If you really felt that lonely you need help OP.

knowthyturtle | 0

#2100761 - Saturday 19 February 2011 18:13

sometimes its nice to get to know ur stalker

Doortje | 28

#2101152 - Saturday 19 February 2011 20:29

Is that your personal experience? Do you want to share it with us?

By tylerjs12 | 0

#2100282 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:08

ha rapist i bet

By Brayden93 | 0

#2100289 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:09

What if the creepy guy is her husband in disguise!

atomheartm_fml | 0

#2100331 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:17

Exactly what I was thinking, maybe it IS her husband!

AndelleRae | 9

#2100469 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:50

I thought the same thing, too.

By howslife123 | 0

#2100305 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:12

that's odd because every Friday night I call this desperate housewife and yesterday she ranted for two hours about how her husband still wears adult diapers

By seximexi911 | 10

#2100307 - Saturday 19 February 2011 16:12

whoa I know there's someone else you can talk to. I'm pretty sure a few people on here will say " message me if you need someone to talk to..." but not if you keep talking to the creeper haha it kind of sends the wrong vibes

shannonreneee | 11

#2101637 - Saturday 19 February 2011 23:10

Why would anyone offer to help her without knowing her? That's stupid logic and I doubt she would take advice from a person with the username "seximexi"...

nersa426 | 0

#2120344 - Friday 25 February 2011 3:26

says the girl with ridiculous cleavage in her photo