Today, I went to see a hockey game. The announcer asked if anybody... - FML

By anon - 27/4/2016 16:13 - Canada - Vaudreuil

Today, I went to see a hockey game. The announcer asked if anybody found a ring in the stands, because a girl lost hers. While he talked about it, I realised that I forgot mine in my pocket, so I took MY ring and put it on my finger. A guy saw me and thought I stole the lost one. FML

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Gas giant

Alternative medicine is bull

Cute trick, asshole

By Anonymous - 19/1/2010 19:26 - United States

Today, I sent my boss a link to a website I thought would answer a simple question she'd asked. Turns out, yes, the site did answer her question, but it also had some very suggestive ads on it. Apparently I'm the only person in the office who uses adblock. FML

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By Pooperscooper - 20/7/2009 18:45 - France

Today, I learned when you're babysitting a 5 year old, and you hear the toilet flush and then the words "uh oh", it's already too late. FML

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By Jonoq - 4/10/2019 16:00 - Canada

Stress factor 11

Today, in a 2-hour period at work, I had to talk to the cops, clean up shit and clean up vomit, yet none of these events were related. The worst part is, I work as a lifeguard and none of this is in the job description. FML

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By shinra - 18/7/2018 20:30

Freaky...

Today, it's the third time in a row that I've woken myself up in the middle of the night by pouring freezing cold water on myself. I didn’t even have water on my nightstand last night. I woke up in the kitchen. FML

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By epicsquishii - 1/5/2012 11:02 - United States - Riverbank

Today, my boyfriend yet again unsuccessfully tried to hold in uncontrollable giggling every time I moaned or sighed during sex. He's 24. I'm terrified of his reaction should I ever reach an orgasm with him. FML

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By wtf babe? - 29/6/2020 14:02

Intruders!

Today, I came home to find my husband allowed several of his family members to move in without even asking me. His parents are in the spare room, his brother and wife are in my den and they expect me to make my daughter share her bed with two older cousins. I’m ready to take the kids and leave. FML

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By boyishgirl - 27/2/2015 19:14 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I got to see my best friend for the first time in months. Her first reaction was to say, "Wow, you gained a lot of weight." I actually lost a fair bit. FML

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By thirddegreeburned - 19/3/2013 17:39 - United States - Monroe

Today, I finally made the connection between people in my apartment building flushing their toilets, and my running shower water becoming scalding hot. This wouldn't be quite as bad if there weren't six floors to the building, with twenty units on each. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2019 02:00

Sex Ed has failed a lot of people

Today, a senior girl in my college-level biology course asked our professor what periods are like when you’re pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, for the first time ever, while I was driving I ran over a squirrel. It was in front of three little girls at their lemonade stand. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2014 07:34 - United States - Ewa Beach

Today, I was taking a piss when a fly landed inside the urinal. I thought it would be funny to try to aim and pee on it until it flew away and I stupidly continued aiming, peeing all over the floor and the wall. Another man came in time to see it. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2017 11:08

Today, I accidentally covfefe

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By WartCream - 18/8/2013 00:27 - United States - Olathe

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a weird wart-removal ad came on. He watched in disgust as the lady's wart said rude things to her. Then he looked at me and said seriously, "I'm glad yours don't talk..." FML

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By username - 17/11/2014 03:52 - United States - Elkhart

Today, my father told me to "go get a job". He has been unemployed for 3 years. FML

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By poolboy - 23/7/2012 04:28

Today, I was swimming in my pool with my two sons. A few hours later while on Facebook, I saw that one of them had liked a photo with the caption, "Peeing in a pool, best feeling ever." FML

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By tracie - 22/9/2010 00:00 - United States

Today, I took my dogs to an empty park. While they were running around, I laid down in the grass to read a book. Someone thought I was a dead body and called the cops. The police and paramedics showed up. This is the second time it's happened. FML

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By Kelly - 12/8/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I heard a girl telling her friend all about her boyfriend, John. They talked about the grocery store that he works at, and that he drives a nice yellow mustang. My boyfriend's name is John, works at that same grocery store, and drives a nice yellow mustang. FML

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By klutz - 27/2/2009 20:23 - United States

Today, I wore out the highest heels I had but was nervous about falling because I am such a klutz. I got through the night without any injuries, so I changed into the sneakers I had brought with me to walk home. I tripped right outside my house in my sneakers and broke my ankle. FML

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By SweetDreamsTibi - 10/2/2019 12:00

Today, I was feeling frisky and my boyfriend was playing a video game in the living room. I started dancing in front of the T.V. with only my panties on, to which he responded, "You're every gamer's nightmare." FML

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By Elena - 7/7/2011 23:56 - United States

Today, after having worked two jobs for months to save up for a big vacation, I came home to find my hard-earned money replaced by my boyfriend's brand new motorcycle. FML

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By GracieGirl - 4/10/2019 06:00

When feral kids attack

Today, while waiting for my name to be called at the doctor's office, a little boy threw a Dixie cup full of water at me, making it look like I wet my pants. His mom just laughed and dragged him off. FML

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By Loho - 25/3/2009 02:46 - Canada

Today, I was using my dad's cell because I had broken mine. I was texting my boyfriend all day when my dad needed his phone back. I forgot to tell my boyfriend that my dad would be using the phone. My boyfriend then texted graphically what he wanted to do to my dad. FML

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By bargainshopper - 16/10/2012 11:28 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, while at a pool party, I found out the reason I got my new, white bikini at such a bargain price; it goes completely transparent when wet. I only realized this after everyone was staring at me and whistling. FML

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By crétin-crédule - 26/2/2013 05:02 - France - Isle

Today, I got talking to a pretty girl on the subway. Just as she was about to get off, I handed her my phone so that she could give me her number. She ran out with it. FML

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By greek_dancer - 13/7/2009 05:14 - United States

Today, I went to the mall and had to parallel park. It took me 10 to 12 minutes of maneuvering before I got into the slot. When I turned off the car and got out, there were 8 people laughing hysterically and clapping for me. FML

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By anonymous - 1/4/2012 18:38 - United States

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he said "I love you, baby." I told him to go deeper, but instead of doing so, he decided to completely kill the mood by stopping and saying it again in a Barry White type voice. FML

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By ohmygoodness - 2/3/2009 21:51 - United States

Today, I woke up at my boyfriend's place with grumbling stomach pains. I left him in bed to go have explosive diarreah in the bathroom next to his room. When I was done, I came back to bed and snuggled in next to his sleeping form and he rolled over to whisper, "I heard everthing." FML

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By Sidney - 7/1/2009 20:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell in love with a girl on the internet, she's great and funny. She says she's 16, but everyone keeps telling me she's only 11 and that I'm a pedophile. FML

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By queenariii - 28/6/2016 05:55 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I'm stuck in a ramshackle house that my aunt bought and moved everyone out to. Only one bathroom works, and she won't let us flush it because the house keeps flooding. Four people are stuck here with just one toilet filled with poop and urine, while she's been staying at a friend's house. FML

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By garrett - 14/2/2019 15:11 - United States

Today, my girlfriend beat me at ping pong, twenty to three. She said I let her win because I don't respect her, then stormed out of the room. I'm just really bad at ping pong. FML

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By Sonic - 29/3/2019 19:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss left a lovely invitation to her wedding on my desk. I plan on resigning during our meeting later today. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 17:59 - United States

Today, a month after my 21st birthday, I received my health exam results. I don't remember the night of the birthday because I was hammered. However, I called my friend and it's now clear that the stripper they paid to have her way with me, had Chlamydia. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2014 11:27 - United States - Cortland

Today, I was fixing the plumbing at my father-in-law's house. I told him to shut off the water and yell to me when he did. A few minutes later, I heard a yell and removed the pipe. I was met with a face full of water. Turns out he was just very excited when the Rangers beat the Mariners. FML

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By charlatan - 19/8/2018 01:30

What's in a name?

Today, I asked out the girl of my dreams. She asked me what year I was born in, then brutally rejected me. Apparently it's because my name wasn't in the top 20 baby names for my birth year. FML

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By smiler - 17/3/2010 16:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I had my wisdom teeth removed. The sympathetic words from my boyfriend asked if this meant I could open my mouth a bit wider for him now. FML

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By D - 9/9/2011 09:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the street when a police officer started walking behind me with his dog. I sped up and tried to cross the road. He took this as suspicious and got the dog to take me to the floor. I've been afraid of dogs since I was 5. FML

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By Bee - 8/6/2011 00:13 - Canada

Today, I was mistaken for a prostitute. Twice. While in my work uniform. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2017 01:30

Today, my boss left early, so I decided to take an extended break and run home. I found my wife in bed with my boss. I got fired for leaving work. FML

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By secondchild - 12/7/2019 14:00

Today, my parents spent more time, money and effort on my boyfriend's birthday present than they ever have on any of mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2014 18:59 - United States - Deatsville

Today, my boss is still refusing to fire my psychotic coworker, who's made it his mission to insult, annoy, bully and threaten me every day into making me quit. My boss is convinced the guy just has "assburger's" and that the company would get sued if we fired him. FML

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Top comments

By CheekyRaccoon | 27

#6591151 - Thursday 28 April 2016 11:25

My precious, you no take my precious!

By Jailermom | 8

#6591210 - Thursday 28 April 2016 13:27

Women/Men will take their rings off to wash their hands and put their ring in their pocket so they don't leave it on the sink. At least that is why I'd have mine in my pocket.

COMMENTS

By Atomic_Mushroom | 14

#6591140 - Thursday 28 April 2016 10:41

I thought Canadians were nice?

Reply

Delta_0DST | 12

#6591325 - Thursday 28 April 2016 16:27

Yeah we're nice. Less so at hockey games though.

Reply

taywuhsaurusrex | 19

#6591419 - Thursday 28 April 2016 17:56

Hockey games are serious business. They're the only place I've ever met an asshole Canadian.

Reply

ImagineCrazy | 27

#6594356 - Monday 2 May 2016 1:10

You haven't met my landlord

By FunnnyGirrl | 19

#6591145 - Thursday 28 April 2016 11:02

I could just imagine how sus that would've seem like Hahahaah

Reply

Kitouran | 30

#6591352 - Thursday 28 April 2016 16:51

Your username is a lie.

By BrownEyedGrrrl | 4

#6591147 - Thursday 28 April 2016 11:08

Was it your wedding ring? Just curious...because why was your wedding ring in your pocket in the first place?

Reply

Jailermom | 8

#6591210 - Thursday 28 April 2016 13:27

Women/Men will take their rings off to wash their hands and put their ring in their pocket so they don't leave it on the sink. At least that is why I'd have mine in my pocket.

Reply

BrownEyedGrrrl | 4

#6591302 - Thursday 28 April 2016 15:51

Oh ok..That makes sense :)

By CheekyRaccoon | 27

#6591151 - Thursday 28 April 2016 11:25

My precious, you no take my precious!

Reply

SecundusSecunda | 27

#6591304 - Thursday 28 April 2016 15:52

CAST IT INTO THE FIRE!

By moodyreallyrocks | 27

#6591155 - Thursday 28 April 2016 11:38

Hope you explained to everyone

By ssnow_fml | 20

#6591172 - Thursday 28 April 2016 12:16

Sounds like a fun thing to explain to everyone around

By heirofhope | 38

#6591174 - Thursday 28 April 2016 12:18

If you had to explain yourself, hopefully the girl who lost her ring was truthful and said that no, that ring was indeed yours. If not, that's when you just walk out, or walk away. I would never let someone take something that's ACTUALLY mine. I hope it cleared up quick.

By RubeusSwagrid | 11

#6591188 - Thursday 28 April 2016 12:45

What has OP got in its pocketses?

By Nickimariek | 20

#6591217 - Thursday 28 April 2016 14:03

Canadians :')

By norpedo | 16

#6591270 - Thursday 28 April 2016 15:04

I feel like you should've expected someone to question that. Maybe you should've waited until they found the ring instead of taking your own one out.