Today, I went to see a hockey game. The announcer asked if anybody... - FML

By anon - 27/4/2016 16:13 - Canada - Vaudreuil

Today, I went to see a hockey game. The announcer asked if anybody found a ring in the stands, because a girl lost hers. While he talked about it, I realised that I forgot mine in my pocket, so I took MY ring and put it on my finger. A guy saw me and thought I stole the lost one. FML

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Cold-blooded old times

Who's a good boy?

Live dumping

By lovesucks - 1/9/2009 12:52 - Australia

Today, I finally got the courage to go up and ask out the girl I have loved for a couple of months now. After she said yes, I was over the moon and ran home to tell my roommate. The next day, I saw her making out with another man. When I confronted her, she said "Oh, you were serious yesterday?" FML

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By imfromtexas02 - 6/6/2009 14:03 - United States

Today, I discovered an enormous hairy spider sitting in the bathtub. I also discovered that I scream like a girl and pee a little bit when I am truly terrified. FML

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By Parusu - 13/2/2014 00:52 - United States - Orlando

Today, a woman pushed a stroller in front of my car. Thinking I'd hit someone, I jumped out. Turns out it was a doll. The "woman" was a 14-year-old girl, claiming, "I did it for the Vine!" FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2009 09:35 - Australia

Today, my husband decided it was time to tell me he had a 3 year old son. We have been married for 5 years. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2019 16:00

Today, my youngest of four children turned 18. It was also the same day that my ex-wife called to tell me that after 18 years of paying child support, I wasn't the father. FML

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By well damn - 29/2/2016 22:17 - United States - Columbus

Today, I helped my mom put away my baby sister's clothes. She's only a week old and has around 60 outfits. I have 4. FML

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By Alyssa - 27/4/2020 23:00 - United Kingdom

Fashion blogger

Today, I was scrolling through my Instagram timeline and saw a picture of my friend in a ridiculous wig. I left a comment telling her how stupid the wig looked, but how great it was to have a friend with a sense of humour. She replied, telling me it wasn't a wig, it was her new hairstyle. FML

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By HateTheBus - 18/3/2019 02:00

Today, I was taking the bus home from work. I went to pull the cord to request a stop when the driver slammed on the breaks to avoid running a red light, causing me to get thrown out of my seat and slide down the aisle and hit my head on a pole by the front of the bus. FML

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By jj4320 - 17/9/2011 08:37 - United States

Today, I got pulled over for distracted driving. Not for cell phone use but for nose picking and inspecting. FML

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By SHIIIIITTTT - 10/8/2012 23:16 - United States - Houston

Today, my new boss, the CEO's son, finally showed up for work, three days late and right after lunch break. His first order of business was to call a meeting and scream at everyone for not having a diet latte waiting for him on his desk. God help us all. FML

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By nick - 6/3/2011 01:42 - United States

Today, my dad got drunk and asked if I had inherited his "abnormally tiny penis." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2012 02:04 - United States

Today, my grandparents visited. My grandpa kept getting off the couch and walking around to "stretch his legs." He kept kicking out my computer's network cable and messing up my game, smirking each time he did it. When I complained, my mom told me to shut up and show some respect. FML

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By OPforonepiece - 19/2/2016 14:38 - Netherlands - Delft

Today, I was talking to a customer and I actually fell asleep for a couple of seconds. I can honestly say she wouldn't stop talking and didn't even notice me snoring. FML

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By jeremiah - 6/11/2011 08:21 - Australia

Today, I let my brother borrow my car, as he had a job interview. I told him the tank was nearly empty and gave him $20 to put some petrol in it. Ten minutes later, he calls me, saying the car won't start. He filled it up with diesel. It's a petrol car. FML

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By SMRT - 22/10/2019 06:00 - United States - Chattanooga

Geography for Dummies

Today, I had an argument with my dad about Venice being in Italy, not Spain. He wouldn't believe me, and had to Google it. He's an engineer for an aerospace company. FML

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By msamberjade - 30/1/2020 20:00 - United States - Columbus

New movie

Today, my boyfriend came home with three of his best friends and broke up with me in front of them. Then, when I asked if we could talk privately, he filmed it for "documentation". FML

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By Anonymous - 21/7/2013 21:49 - Canada - Drumheller

Today, while arguing with my newly ex-girlfriend over how she cheated on me with a mutual friend, she tried to wash her hands of any guilt, saying that I was "selfish" and "just slut-shaming, really". FML

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By marquez_jasmine - 21/7/2012 15:08 - Canada - Kingston

Today, after feeling a little down about myself and looking for comfort from my boyfriend, he told me that my stretch marks make me look like a tiger. FML

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By fuck fof and die dad - 20/11/2014 19:48 - Germany - Kiel

Today, I've tried to have a quiet jack off four times, only for my dad to knock on my bedroom door within seconds and say "STOP IT." every single time. Now I'm too paranoid to even function. FML

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By Angry Mob - 1/2/2013 06:09 - Australia - Sydney

Today, most of my neighbours came to my house in an angry mob to complain about my dog barking. I don't have a dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2015 19:46 - United States

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of 3 years a few months ago, my boys convinced me to go out with the cute girl I had been talking to on Tinder. However, she wasn't cute, or a girl. He robbed me. FML

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By jflac - 24/12/2014 12:03 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I found out the person who's been stalking and harassing me online was actually my now ex-boyfriend. He only confessed as I finally picked up the phone to report it to the police. He basically said he wanted me to turn to him for comfort and protection, so he could "feel like a man". FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2011 03:29 - United States

Today, while working in a jail, I had to tell an inmate arrested for domestic violence that no, he could not use his phone call to call me at home. FML

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By Mike - 7/2/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, my parents told me I was conceived at Disneyworld. Monday, I take a class trip to Disneyworld. My friends will be having fun and all I'll be able to think about is my parents having sex. FML

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By Gone With the Wind - 12/5/2014 03:29 - United States - Omaha

Today, the tornado sirens went off so my family went to the basement and turned on the TV to the local news. The station goes to their sky cam as a trampoline flies by. Quite the sight. When the storm passed, I looked outside to see our trampoline was gone. It was the one flying by on TV. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2015 19:37 - United States - Roseville

Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 05:10 - United States

Today, my mom picked my ex-boyfriend up early from school to take him to see a special screening of a documentary that's showing in town. She left me after school for an hour and a half because they ended up going out for coffee afterwards. FML

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By Jake - 28/9/2010 17:35 - United States

Today, I took a girl I like to the movies. Everything went great until I went in to kiss her. She didn't object, but my mother, who apparently followed me to the theater and was now pulling me away by my shirt while saying, "We're leaving!" certainly did. FML

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By ugh - 12/3/2010 06:05 - United States

Today, I got home early from work. When I got home I got to see my dad chasing my mom around the house, naked. FML

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By Tony - 17/4/2012 00:57 - United States

Today, my fiancée informed me she'd invited her ex-husband to our wedding at her parents' request. FML

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By juvenile friends suck - 10/1/2013 20:52 - Germany - Tangstedt

Today, I was in the elevator, when a big bearded guy stepped in, wearing a dress. It's not an uncommon sight where I live, but my friend cracked up and asked him if he was wearing underwear. He took it as a challenge, and I can safely say that no, he was not. FML

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By GasAttack - 7/9/2009 13:32 - Canada

Today, I was taking a shower. I heard my boyfriend come into the bathroom, brush his teeth and take off his clothes. He joined me in the shower and instead of doing something loving or sexy, he let out a huge fart into his hand and threw it into my face. FML

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By so sad no dad - 15/8/2019 06:00

Today, while out with my girlfriends, my overbearing boyfriend called and texted my phone over and over. Later, I told him to calm down and stop acting like my dad. He snapped back, "How am I acting like your dad when you don’t have one?" He knows my dad died when I was 10. FML

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By Coccinelle - 5/2/2016 16:36 - France

Today, while at work at a small Microsoft partner company, I had to write an email explaining why Internet Explorer is superior to Google Chrome. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2018 05:00

Today, I met an old friend, who accidentally revealed he once met my wife in a club. They were both drunk and she let him have anal sex with her for a fiver in a club toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/5/2020 05:00

Water, water, everywhere

Today, I learned that taking a shower right before your house starts flooding is the human equivalent to washing your car right before it starts raining. Only much worse. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2009 19:36 - United States

Today, I was taking the final exam for one of my classes. The teacher came over to my desk, grabbed my test and ripped it in half. Then he grabbed my hand and read the note I had written on it to remind myself to pay rent. FML

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By OneGirlsLife - 22/9/2017 16:00

Today, someone tried to break into my car. They tried to do so by jamming a key into my lock, only for the key to break. I guess the key cut their hand, because I had the pleasure of finding the person's blood all over my passenger door. FML

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By quadropheniac - 9/6/2009 16:18 - United States

Today, I walked into the bathroom and found my sister cleaning her vibrator. With my toothbrush. FML

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By SingleSara. - 2/3/2010 06:07 - Canada

Today, I found out my sister has a new boyfriend. That would have been helpful to know 3 hours ago before I told her boyfriend, who is also my best friend, that I loved him. His response? "HAHAHA! Good one! Oh Seriously? Shit." FML

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Top comments

By CheekyRaccoon | 27

#6591151 - Thursday 28 April 2016 11:25

My precious, you no take my precious!

By Jailermom | 8

#6591210 - Thursday 28 April 2016 13:27

Women/Men will take their rings off to wash their hands and put their ring in their pocket so they don't leave it on the sink. At least that is why I'd have mine in my pocket.

Comments

By Atomic_Mushroom | 14

#6591140 - Thursday 28 April 2016 10:41

I thought Canadians were nice?

Reply

Delta_0DST | 12

#6591325 - Thursday 28 April 2016 16:27

Yeah we're nice. Less so at hockey games though.

Reply

taywuhsaurusrex | 19

#6591419 - Thursday 28 April 2016 17:56

Hockey games are serious business. They're the only place I've ever met an asshole Canadian.

Reply

ImagineCrazy | 27

#6594356 - Monday 2 May 2016 1:10

You haven't met my landlord

By FunnnyGirrl | 19

#6591145 - Thursday 28 April 2016 11:02

I could just imagine how sus that would've seem like Hahahaah

Reply

Kitouran | 30

#6591352 - Thursday 28 April 2016 16:51

Your username is a lie.

By BrownEyedGrrrl | 4

#6591147 - Thursday 28 April 2016 11:08

Was it your wedding ring? Just curious...because why was your wedding ring in your pocket in the first place?

Reply

Jailermom | 8

#6591210 - Thursday 28 April 2016 13:27

Women/Men will take their rings off to wash their hands and put their ring in their pocket so they don't leave it on the sink. At least that is why I'd have mine in my pocket.

Reply

BrownEyedGrrrl | 4

#6591302 - Thursday 28 April 2016 15:51

Oh ok..That makes sense :)

By CheekyRaccoon | 27

#6591151 - Thursday 28 April 2016 11:25

My precious, you no take my precious!

Reply

SecundusSecunda | 27

#6591304 - Thursday 28 April 2016 15:52

CAST IT INTO THE FIRE!

By moodyreallyrocks | 27

#6591155 - Thursday 28 April 2016 11:38

Hope you explained to everyone

By ssnow_fml | 20

#6591172 - Thursday 28 April 2016 12:16

Sounds like a fun thing to explain to everyone around

By heirofhope | 38

#6591174 - Thursday 28 April 2016 12:18

If you had to explain yourself, hopefully the girl who lost her ring was truthful and said that no, that ring was indeed yours. If not, that's when you just walk out, or walk away. I would never let someone take something that's ACTUALLY mine. I hope it cleared up quick.

By RubeusSwagrid | 11

#6591188 - Thursday 28 April 2016 12:45

What has OP got in its pocketses?

By Nickimariek | 20

#6591217 - Thursday 28 April 2016 14:03

Canadians :')

By norpedo | 16

#6591270 - Thursday 28 April 2016 15:04

I feel like you should've expected someone to question that. Maybe you should've waited until they found the ring instead of taking your own one out.