Health: Today, I went to the doctor's office because my wife and I were...

By manlyman - United States

Today, I went to the doctor's office because my wife and I were having some fertilization problems. As I removed my pants, the doctor simply looked at my penis and said "mhm." My wife laughed the whole way home. FML

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Health

Triage

Season finale

Horsing around

By Anonymous - United States - Lancaster

Today, I had my boss over for dinner. Knowing that I was angling for a promotion, my fifteen-year-old son spent the dinner uttering lines such as "What's the point of showering before bed?" and "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." My boss was not impressed. FML

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By scarred_sibling - United States

Caught red handed

Today, I caught my brother whacking off with my expensive bottle of lotion. This might not have been quite so disturbing had he not been caught with his entire penis in the bottle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it snowed. So, a guy I like and I decided to go sledding. I really wanted to impress him by going down the hill and casually slowing down at the bottom right at his feet. Instead, I crashed into him and broke his ankle. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé — a top chef — called me at work to make sure I would be home on time for the extra special dinner he'd prepared for me. The occasion, as I later discovered, was the end of our engagement. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dallas

Today, at a Christmas party, a cute girl was making a show of standing under some mistletoe. As I walked over, she quickly moved away in the opposite direction. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML

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By master baiter - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was at a job interview for a position I really needed. Somehow, the interviewer and I started talking about fishing. I joked, "I'm a master baiter." Needless to say, I didn't get the job. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, I asked my girlfriend why she's been avoiding kissing me lately. Apparently she had a dream that one of my teeth caught on her braces, and all of her teeth got pulled out like a string of pearls. It seems unlikely she will be un-scarred any time soon. FML

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By Greenpuppy416 - 4/7/2020 05:02

Bad date #3764

Today, I had a date at a formal restaurant I'm well known at. My date showed up two and a half hours late with a jogging suit on, and then got mad at me for ordering, eating, and paying without him. FML

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By gregoyles - United States

Today, I saw my male boss holding a purse. Just to be a smart ass, I made fun of him as if the purse was his. It was his. FML

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By Anonymous

There you go

Today, our work computers are down so I've been trying to fix it via my home computer for 3 days. My 12-year-old son took one look at the screen, changed 2 settings on a drop down menu, and the problem was fixed. My 12-year-old is better at my job than I am. FML

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By adopteddd - United Kingdom

Today, my Dad sat me down and told me that I was adopted. I was unbelievably shocked by this revelation and asked him why he'd never told me this before. His response was, "I didn't know!" FML

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By pistonchamp159 - United States

Today, my husband woke me up at 3 AM by putting whipped cream on my hand and tickling my nose with a feather. FML

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By agh marriage - Australia - Albany Creek

Today, I was placed firmly in the friend-zone. By my wife. We've been married 10 years. She doesn't want a divorce, she says it'd be too "time-consuming." FML

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By Sleepless

Today, after countless nights of no sleep and only some spontaneous naps, I was finally seeing a sleeping doctor to analyze the problem. I missed the appointment because I ended up sleeping through my alarm after not being able to sleep at all last night. FML

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By yova - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom called me a slut after she found out I sleep naked. This is how desperate she is for any excuse to yell at me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Fairfield

Today, I arrived 10 minutes early to my orthodontist's office to get my braces off. It turns out my appointment was actually one hour earlier, and now the next available appointment is in four weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spotted one of my friends using the ATM outside our school's university center. I crept up behind him, grabbed his shoulders abruptly, and shouted in my best deep man-voice, "Give me all your money!" Turned out to be a poor, unsuspecting freshman. He gave me his money. FML

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By Anonymus - 31/1/2020 20:00 - Canada - Warkworth

Money first

Today, my "boyfriend" told me that he loves money more than me and would date it if he could. FML

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By Unlovable

Ah, puppy love…

Today, I was texting my crush. He wasn’t really into the texts because he was barely replying, until he texted back calling me "baby." I got so excited, I almost cried, until he corrected himself and said that the text wasn’t for me. I cried. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, my little sister and I were reading a book together and out of nowhere, she said "I love you". My heart melted and I told her that I love her too. Then she told me that she was talking to her stuffed animal, not me. FML

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By xoxo_retailslave420_xoxo - Australia - Parramatta

Today, a woman threw a sandwich at me, told me to go back to "fucktard island" and demanded to see my manager. All because the mayonnaise sandwich she ordered, shockingly enough, had mayonnaise in it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sat right next to the door on the bus. When I went to get up, a man tripped and pushed me down the exit door stairs. I fell down and legitimately broke my ankle. While tending to my ankle, the bus doors closed and my backpack with my laptop, notes and calculator drove away. FML

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By Vkaz - United States - Tampa

Today, in the men's room a guy using the adjacent toilet dropped his phone, and it fell right next to my foot. The screen was facing upward, and looked like he was taking pictures of his junk in the office toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 17:01

Like a virgin

Today, at 26, I bought my first vibrator. I've never really masturbated before, because I've always been with a guy. I used it for the first time, and orgasmed in under 3 minutes. I guess this whole time the guys I've been with hadn’t in fact made me cum as much as I thought. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 14:02

Denied

Today, I asked a girl for her number and I wrote it down when she gave it to me. When I called her, it wasn't her. She'd given me a restaurant's phone number. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 23:01

Rock n Roll is a dirty business

Today, I was in a band with some friends and we got our first gig at a local festival, but I'd already agreed to work serving drinks at the festival. My bandmates got really annoyed and kicked me out of the band. They then went ahead and performed the song that I WROTE, without me, at the festival where i was working. FML

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By Bear - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my Mum and Dad having sex and didn't even realize what they were doing until she shouted at him to go harder. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my college charged me for tuition for next semester. I graduated 2 years ago. I have a degree from a place too stupid to only charge current students. FML

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By Tom_why - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping some mental health patients at work, I spent 20 mins to fail to connect the DVD player to the TV and went back to make them something to eat. I came back into the room after 5 mins and one of the patients had connected it for himself. He has a profound learning disability. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/8/2020 08:01

Gig economy

Today, I remembered that I chose my career of the last decade because, unlike my job in the dying newspaper industry, "concerts aren’t going anywhere." FML

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By whattdafuuukkkk - United States

Today, a little girl walked up to me at Target and asked me what my name was. I smiled and told her my name was Kristen. She looked at the skirt I was wearing and said, "Kristen, can you wear pants tomorrow?" FML

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By NewMom

Today, there was a baby shower for our first child. My hostess invited 75 people. Only 3 people showed up. FML

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By Idek - Australia - Perth

Today, I was scrolling through my Facebook newsfeed and I noticed my boyfriend had commented on a post. It said, "Tag the hottest girl you know". Yeah, he tagged his ex. FML

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By lala - United States

Today, I used the Print Screen button to take a picture of a really cute bag that I want for my birthday. After emailing it to my mom, I noticed I'd forgotten to close another tab in the browser. The tab had a very suggestive title, for an even more suggestive website. FML

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By ScarredForLife - United States

Today, I introduced my family to beerpong. They especially liked the part about distracting each other while shooting. My grandma flashed me. FML

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By srloin - United States

Today, my girlfriend said I looked like ET and made me pose next to a full scale model of him while she took a picture. She's showing her friends the picture and they agree. FML

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By Grinch

Today, it's Xmas Eve, and my partner's quick afternoon catch-up with his friends has turned into 5 messy drunks in our house at 1am. So it's no to the "us" time evening we had planned before spending tomorrow with our families who live over 3 hours away. Guess who had promised to drive and now can't? FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while on a beach with my 3 year-long boyfriend, I went on his phone to find a restaurant I'd sent him on Instagram. Instead, I found countless messages to other women, trying to slide into their DMs. Needless to say, everyone on that beach got a free show. FML

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By sofked - United States

Today, the disgruntled ex-boyfriend of a woman who lives three floors down from me slashed her tires for breaking up with him. He also, for good measure, slashed the tires of the person parked to the left and right of her. I was parked to the right of her. FML

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Top comments

By stoptheworld | 0

#84679 - Sunday 5 April 2009 20:06

professional doctor =/

By iDontFail_xD | 0

#84720 - Sunday 5 April 2009 20:14

ROFL. maybe they should like make some kind of viagara commercial with this, and then you come back the next day, and the doctor's like OH DAYUMM =)

COMMENTS

By stoptheworld | 0

#84679 - Sunday 5 April 2009 20:06

professional doctor =/

jdizz16 | 15

#4351243 - Wednesday 25 April 2012 2:12

Lol!!!

By featherhead | 0

#84682 - Sunday 5 April 2009 20:07

mwaha, poor you xd

By musicfanboy33 | 0

#84683 - Sunday 5 April 2009 20:07

get a new doctor?

doctorwhofan567 | 2

#5313524 - Tuesday 8 January 2013 0:52

Wouldn't help with his erectile dysfunction

By musiclife_fml | 0

#84705 - Sunday 5 April 2009 20:12

I'm sorry OP, but this is too funny:P

FYL indeed, and definitely one of my favorites lol

ThinkChink | 0

#1929477 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 1:13

Mhm.

By Yoya_fml | 0

#84707 - Sunday 5 April 2009 20:12

oh god.!
that's really embarrassing...!

go to a new doctor..!

friedpwnadge | 25

#5337288 - Thursday 24 January 2013 2:58

Just so he can be told the same thing?
Any doctor worth his salt is gonna be honest with him.

Sheepiebeepie | 26

#7424868 - Tuesday 14 March 2017 14:04

I read this with like belated urgency at the end of every sentence.

By itsTiffany | 0

#84708 - Sunday 5 April 2009 20:12

Asshole doctor.

By Banthestrandland | 0

#84709 - Sunday 5 April 2009 20:12

Aw, c'mon, people. Who says YDI to a guy with a small dick?

Funny OP though.

muzicmajor11 | 0

#1046714 - Monday 28 June 2010 5:17

I Agee

By PTERONOPHOBIA | 0

#84713 - Sunday 5 April 2009 20:13

I don't get it? He looked at your dick, said "mhm" and you left? What does that even mean

bigd1130 | 3

#2995897 - Friday 29 July 2011 21:04

he couldn't penetrate.

By King_of_Kings | 3

#84718 - Sunday 5 April 2009 20:13

the doc is a quack

By iDontFail_xD | 0

#84720 - Sunday 5 April 2009 20:14

ROFL. maybe they should like make some kind of viagara commercial with this, and then you come back the next day, and the doctor's like OH DAYUMM =)

ilikepie789 | 0

#867810 - Thursday 18 February 2010 4:58

lol that would be awesome