Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I found some cookies on my bed and got so excited that I kneed myself in my face. FML
Today, my roommate left a bomb looking package of cookies on the kitchen counter. My sweet tooth got the best of me and I made that split second decision of, "Oh, I'll just have one." Halfway through it, I noticed the fine print, "For dogs" on the package. FML
Today, I dropped some food on the floor and picked it back up, took a bite, and quickly realised it had toenail cuttings in it. I never cut my toenails in my dining room. FML
Today, I helped myself to some homemade biscuits that had been left in the kitchen. I thought they looked a little odd, but they tasted pretty good. I found out later they were homemade dog treats. FML
Today, I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand when my roommate walked in on me. Scared and looking me right in the face he says, "What's for dinner?" FML
Today, I tried my hand at baking homemade individual apple tarts. While taking them out of the oven, I dropped the entire tray on the floor. My dog acted like it was Christmas in August and scarfed at least half of them. FML
Today, I made heart-shaped cookies for my girlfriend. My mom's reaction? "They look like dicks." FML
Today, my room-mate came out of the bathroom, tossed a Playboy on the coffee table, threw away a used condom, dug his hand into my bag of Doritos, and washed his hands. In that order. FML
Today, I woke up early to bake cinnamon rolls for a party. I came home later to find the whole tray spilled onto the floor, most of the rolls eaten, and my dog sitting happily nearby. FML
Today, I made a small batch of cookies and took them to work. Mostly everyone took one, but nobody said anything until I asked how they were. Someone asked what my recipe was, because it tasted like I'd forgot to add sugar. I bit into one. I had. The cookies tasted like muddy mush. FML
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Top comments
Lifeh8sme2 11
I'm more curious as to why you had penis-shaped cookies.
ohcoolstorybro 14
How many could you fit?
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Comments (185)
severe_fml 3
If they weren't for a party, you may want to consider checking yourself into a nut house. Su loco chicha!
MisterEx 28
Were they at least decent sized cookies, OP? Tell us please.
crimsonlover4 31
It might not all be about the size per say, could be more about the stiffness and texture as well as taste. This is just a tip though.
happylawyer 16
Size doesn't really matters.
MisterEx 28
On behalf of all the humble sized men out there, please allow me, fine ladies, to thank you from the bottom of my heart.
RedPillSucks 33
The chocolate ones are always bigger.
Sandsh8rk 36
What's wrong about that? At least you get to eat food unlike the starving children in Africa.
JustKittyKat 24
Yeah! Those children would appreciate those dirty dicks in their mouth! I'm going to hell.
Sandsh8rk 36
I obviously didn't find the humour in this FML...it was the first thing to come to my mind...fark. Sorry :x
Branflakes78 13
please rage ban this guy! not right to say at all
UbuntuElphie 16
Name 3
perdix 31
If they were chocolate, you wouldn't even be able to get a whole one in your mouth. Nor would you ever eat vanilla penis cookies again.
RedPillSucks 33
But occasionally, she'd be tempted by the banana flavored cookies
xxjenn27xx 8
how big were the cookies :)
nora111197 8
Why would you wanna know that?!!!
loganmarquez 3
Sounds like a party, OP.
gregonfire 4
I could have preDICKted how this would end
WhoSaidThatIsh 13
You are my idol...
ruthlessmofo 0
Penis cookies. Wow.
DinoChicken 3
Why were you even in possession of those kind of cookies?
crimsonlover4 31
For fun, for a bachelorette party, etc... They are penis-shaped cookies!