Animals: Today, I helped myself to some homemade biscuits that had been...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I helped myself to some homemade biscuits that had been left in the kitchen. I thought they looked a little odd, but they tasted pretty good. I found out later they were homemade dog treats. FML

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Animals

Our house, in the middle of our street

And today, on Dr Phil…

From a great height

By wrecked - United States

Today, I slid on ice and hit another car while driving to work. My car was totalled, and my leg hurt, while the other car had very little damage. Not two minutes later, the salt truck drove by, spraying the road. FML

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By Finding Kemo - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I went to school with a bad haircut. I got about 50 cancer jokes so far. FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that my ex-boyfriend stole a pair of my underwear, and still wears them to this day. FML

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By sari14 - United States

Today, I was standing at the top of the stairs petting my dog. The doorbell rang and my dog bolted down the stairs, tripping me. I fell down the whole flight of stairs backwards. Turns out the person at the door was my brother who had locked himself out. I almost died for no reason. FML

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By birthdayfail

Today, it's my birthday. At my workplace, we always get a cake for whoever's birthday it is. They somehow forgot about me. I've been working there for a year, and my grandparents and my dad own the restaurant I work at. FML

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By DD - France

Today, my wife told me that she wants a divorce. Apparently, I'm taking too long to forgive her for having an affair. FML

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By Groom - France

Today, I had an important interview. On the way there, I stopped in front of a car window to look at my reflection, checking I didn't have salad stuck between my teeth. Having pulled several faces, I realised that there were two girls inside the car, cracking up with laughter. FML

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By lamesauce - Canada

Today, I went on a coffee date with a guy I'm interested in. He picked up his phone mid-date to finalize dinner plans with another girl. FML

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By Mojo - United Kingdom

Today, my crush took me to a park and told me he loved me. We sat on an old bench and were just about to kiss when I screamed. I now have a huge splinter in my arse and he can't stop laughing. FML

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By soliveyerlife - United States

Today, my parents yelled at me for coming home at 1am this morning from a friend's birthday party. I'm 30 years old. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'm 19 years old and, having never been on a date, I agreed to let my friend set me up. He was adorable, young, with blond hair and blue eyes...and 4 years old. My friend tricked me into babysitting. FML

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By Peta2nNoMore - United Kingdom

Today, I came home and found a few of my faux fur coats completely butchered. On my way to interrogate my boys, the only ones home, I found our husky dog, who was recently shaved for an operation, covered in the fur that once belonged to my coat. My boys said 'he was cold'. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 05:05

Life decisions

Today, I decided to break up with my girlfriend after I got home and realised I was happier sat in my car on the street than I would be if I went inside and had to put up with her whining and her 2 spoiled daughters for even one more day. So now I’m happy, but also homeless. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Today, while pooping at work, I was scrolling through social media. I dropped my phone in the toilet and the automatic flusher engaged, flushing my phone halfway into the pipes, which then flooded the toilet. I had to call maintenance and explain what happened to retrieve phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ocoee

Today, I was talking to people around school to make new friends. I met an amazing guy and we really hit it off. He was fantastic in every way, but decided to end our conversation with, "We shall meet in the afterlife!" I don't know if I should be scared or not. FML

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By CantPublish - United States - Modesto

Today, my wife and I decided to try role-playing. I started cleaning the pool. waiting for her to come out and be sexy, but she never did. I'd cleaned the entire pool before going into the house to ask why she never came out. She said she tricked me into cleaning the pool. FML

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By Anonymous - Indonesia

Today, when I proposed to my girlfriend of 8 years, she said no because she thought we were moving too fast. FML

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By jaym42013 - United States - Clovis

Today, I was fired for being late to work, even though the only reason I was late was because I had to stop at Starbucks to get my boss a drink. His son, who is at least 30 minutes late to work every day, was just walking in as I was walking out with all of my stuff. FML

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By Adam - United States

Today, I woke up to go pee and my cat followed me into the bathroom as usual. Then, in a not so usual fashion, she tried to jump from the sink to the top of the toilet, missed, and fell into the bowl while I was peeing. I'm scratched in a bad place, I have urine to clean up off the bathroom floor, and a traumatized cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mother-in-law announced that she's going to be moving into the apartment next to us. Oh joy. FML

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By Raset24

Today, it was my last day at my job. My team made a little party for me so they could wish me well and say goodbye, but when it came time for my manager to give a little speech, she couldn't even remember my name. I've been working there for two years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Drunken antics

Today, after a 4 or 5 month-long dry spell, I woke up next to an amazing and beautiful woman. Neither of us were wearing pants. She looked me in the eyes and said, "Did I piss the bed?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Memphis

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she's been cheating on me for the past two months. Apparently she thought I'd take it well, because when I yelled at her for being a heartless bitch, she stuttered "S-sike!" and tried to play it off as a prank. She's acting like we're still dating. FML

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By ajodasdojsad - United Kingdom - Ewell

Today, I was playing charades with my boyfriend and family. The answer was "Beckoning" so I acted it out with a "come here" gesture. He looked confused for a second, then blurted out "Fingering?" FML

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By SpiderMan - United States

Today, I was masturbating into a sock when I felt something on my cock. I quickly ripped the sock off and threw it on the floor... and watched a huge spider come scurrying out. I just inadvertently fucked a spider. FML

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By [email protected] - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, my drunk husband came home, got into bed, and started humping the body pillow. He ended up whining about how I hadn't come yet, then angrily slurred that I must be cheating on him. All I could do was stay quiet and wonder how the idiot even made it home alive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finished a fence around my house that I have been working on all week. About an hour after I finished, a water company truck pulled into my driveway. They told me they would have to take down my fence to make repairs on a water pipe. FML

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By Cindell Hanson

Kids these days…

Today, a student told me to fuck off. I work with 3 year-olds. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Duns

Today, I spent half-an-hour trapped inside my dog's crate. The door locked behind me as I squeezed myself inside to stroke her. After bellowing at my family in the garden for what felt like an eternity, they came through just to laugh and take pictures. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2020 14:02 - United States - Fredericksburg

Stalker vibes

Today, I had a surprise visitor at my place. A guy I was talking to a few months back. He said he was down my way getting gas and thought he’d stop by. He lives more than 45 minutes from my place, in the opposite direction, with about 20 gas stations between us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Exton

Today, marks the fourth day in a row that I've worn the same outfit to prove to my parents that they pay me no attention. They still haven't noticed. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Mackay

Today, I regretfully confessed to my parents I have trichotillomania. There was a torturous pause, followed by the question, "Are you gay?" FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my boss rang me for the 5th time on my day off. Frustrated I pushed 'ignore' and yelled a string of obscenities at my phone. Turns out I pushed 'talk'. FML

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By Charitable - United States - San Francisco

Today, I donated to a charity website. My card was repeatedly refused by the website but when I went on my account, I was charged for each time I tried. I was scammed by a charity. FML

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By kaylajere - United States

Today, I decided to lay out and tan. I fell asleep and got sun burned and bitten numerous times by mosquitoes. If I scratch my itch, the burn hurts terribly. If I don't scratch it, it itches terribly. FML

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By esoog - United States

Today, I woke up in a panic to what sounded like a plane about to crash into my house. I was so scared, I peed myself and passed out. It was just my cell phone vibrating under my pillow. FML

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By The bassist - 17/5/2021 04:01

Encourage your kids, damn asshats!

Today, months after buying my first bass guitar and taking bass lessons using my own money, I realized that my parents refused to buy me an instrument, claiming that I sucked at it. What actually happened is that they didn't feel like paying for some "teenage bullshit." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called my mom for her birthday. She started talking about an infomercial she'd seen for a combo bidet-and-dryer, and how she would like to get one so she can feel "fresh down there" without worrying about getting bits of toilet paper on her nether regions. I can't un-hear this. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up early to weird scratching and smacking noises. After gathering enough courage to check what it was, I found out it was just an ant stuck on a piece of paper. FML

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By Crazy Cat Guy - United States - Fremont

Today, I was sitting at my computer, petting one of my cats, who was sitting on my lap. My other cat got jealous and tried to climb onto my lap as well. They ended up fighting. I was wearing shorts. FML

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Top comments

By RebornProblem | 0

#2842613 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:44

Now you know how Shaggy feels.

By muhaidib | 2

#2842763 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:55

15 - I read the comment so fast I didn't notice until I read yours...

COMMENTS

By Lifeisntfair13 | 0

#2842605 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:44

this happend to me to and my dad

whiteboy7thst | 2

#2842693 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:49

*and to

muhaidib | 2

#2842763 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:55

15 - I read the comment so fast I didn't notice until I read yours...

yummycupkake | 0

#2842889 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:07

were you beggin' for those strips?

JellyRollz202 | 0

#2842899 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:08

Lmao beggin strips ^^ :Pmy dog eats thoose

blanquito | 1

#2842972 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:18

I bet your dad barks out of the car window when hes drunk, right?

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#2843067 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:35

I don't get it. what's so weird about that? I eat doggy biscuits (French) all the time.

Yousuck24 | 21

#2843852 - Friday 8 July 2011 3:03

Your a werewolf! Aaaaaaa-ooooooo!

Ieatpeople1984 | 0

#2844233 - Friday 8 July 2011 4:04

You're

NANDwich | 5

#2844296 - Friday 8 July 2011 4:16

Shut up or I'll bite you.

JoeTheMan12 | 0

#2844367 - Friday 8 July 2011 4:32

yummy dog food ;)

sleepistheenemy | 8

#2844526 - Friday 8 July 2011 5:03

lol I accidentally have too!!!

2ndSucks | 15

#2844643 - Friday 8 July 2011 5:27

You didnt notice the meaty flavor?

JoeTheMan12 | 0

#2844705 - Friday 8 July 2011 5:38

I eat dog food for breakfast, is that bad:(

Emmi3xo | 4

#2844762 - Friday 8 July 2011 5:44

no, I think op meant "too,"

youaregay12345 | 0

#2845427 - Friday 8 July 2011 6:29

you must be a mongoloid

calebacleveland | 0

#2846788 - Friday 8 July 2011 9:46

Ruh-ro :o

starlover77 | 0

#2854266 - Saturday 9 July 2011 7:25

My friends dad doesn't even have tu be drunk....

By x3ShanTastic | 0

#2842606 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:44

Well they are healthy :)

garrettsgirl | 0

#2843007 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:23

now you'll have shiny hair and white teeth!!! look at the bright side!!

MrCrane3113 | 1

#2843782 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:56

Atleast they tasted good!

xgirlofglassx | 4

#2843784 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:56

Yeah, really. I make these apple biscuit things for my dogs and they're really good. I mean, if they're homemade then obviously they were made with edible stuff from the kitchen.

karmennn | 0

#2844038 - Friday 8 July 2011 3:33

at least they tasted good! and they aren't bad for you. nbd.

idunnolol108 | 0

#2846546 - Friday 8 July 2011 8:48

Yeah I used to love them when I was little!

iSitt | 0

#2846723 - Friday 8 July 2011 9:19

and since they are homemade they won't have the chemicals dogfood companies add to make them toxic to humans.

haydencisahoss | 6

#2851806 - Saturday 9 July 2011 2:11

Was it a Scooby Snack?

By raymel | 5

#2842612 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:44

you are so dumb, really really dumb.

hopesfallenuse | 0

#2842769 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:56

Dyke

hopesfallenuse | 0

#2842793 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:58

I will rape the moderator

AcidRaen | 4

#2842902 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:08

whats wrong withe pokemon?

AcidRaen | 4

#2842912 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:09

*with

KiddNYC1O | 20

#2843028 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:26

21- Way to throw Pokémon fans under the bus.

joker1995 | 2

#2843087 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:37

or in the trunk of your car

blaine72 | 0

#2843703 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:49

not cool

DCFan | 9

#2843830 - Friday 8 July 2011 3:00

Agree with #21. Asians are fucking weird. period

ym5 | 0

#2844183 - Friday 8 July 2011 3:56

my pokemon picture is the shit

cupcakeluver1212 | 0

#2844475 - Friday 8 July 2011 4:51

dog treats have all of the same ingredients that we eat so why is that dumb?

justanothagirl | 0

#2844558 - Friday 8 July 2011 5:09

well,, obviously! y'all don't know where he got that from :)

hellojpg | 0

#2844639 - Friday 8 July 2011 5:27

and this coming from someone who advertises having a "dirty mind" on her profile desc? hide yo kids, hide yo wife, hide yo husband too caus

raymel | 5

#2846623 - Friday 8 July 2011 8:59

thank you ppl who got the joke ugly dirty minded 12 year old Ginger hop off.

jacob12311 | 4

#2851427 - Saturday 9 July 2011 1:12

IS THAT A REAL CAT????!!!!!!!!!???????!!!!!!!!!???????!!!!!!!!?????!!!!

AcidRaen | 4

#2899724 - Friday 15 July 2011 19:41

I don't think 12 year olds should be on this site or people without souls

raymel | 5

#2963965 - Sunday 24 July 2011 10:06

^2nd that :)

By RebornProblem | 0

#2842613 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:44

Now you know how Shaggy feels.

LunaNstars | 0

#2842846 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:03

hey, shaggy used to love those things!

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#2843083 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:37

Velma-Would you do it for a...SCOOBY Sanck?

garrettsgirl | 0

#2843885 - Friday 8 July 2011 3:08

I LOVE SCOOBY DOO!!!! :)

TheCrazyAli28 | 1

#2845403 - Friday 8 July 2011 6:27

damn right I would do it for a evolve sanck

chocomilk82 | 0

#2846906 - Friday 8 July 2011 10:29

scooby scooby do, where are you. ahhh i remember that stuff

love2txt89 | 0

#2846918 - Friday 8 July 2011 10:35

haha that's a good one(:

ashtay01 | 5

#4654199 - Thursday 5 July 2012 20:48

Scooby dooby do

By rjonesy1992 | 0

#2842615 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:44

Your dog must have it pretty good.

lolwutsameme | 0

#2848410 - Friday 8 July 2011 17:06

they were doggonne good!

By Bakayarou_fml | 0

#2842616 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:44

Scooby snacks!

By RokNRoll11 | 9

#2842634 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:45

I've done that they taste fine

By davex | 0

#2842636 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:46

haha well at least they won't do ya any harm. should have made sure first tho, but not really an "FML" as long as they "tasted good"

By CassidyxP | 0

#2842640 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:45

hahah that sucks. did they taste good?

LairaIsKindaCool | 6

#2842835 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:03

did he not say they did ..?

CassidyxP | 0

#2843860 - Friday 8 July 2011 3:03

oh right...

USMCSNIPER209 | 0

#2844401 - Friday 8 July 2011 4:36

lol

Gorillaninja | 0

#2848605 - Friday 8 July 2011 17:29

She.... don't mean to be a corrector but it is a woman/ girl.

By unluckiestperson_fml | 14

#2842657 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:47

If they tasted good, where's the FML?