Animals: Today, I helped myself to some homemade biscuits that had been...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I helped myself to some homemade biscuits that had been left in the kitchen. I thought they looked a little odd, but they tasted pretty good. I found out later they were homemade dog treats. FML

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Animals

Great speech, thanks!

Family matters

Phone call anxiety

By Karin - Germany

Today, after a week of sporting what I thought was a flattering pixie cut, I realised that without my long hair, my body shape closely resembles a snowman's. FML

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By fml - United States

Today, I told my dad I was going to Walgreens and asked if he needed anything. He needed condoms, and that I should call him when I get there so he can explain the kind he likes. FML

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By Evaki1 - Greece

Today, I had to explain to my little brother that my tampons weren't ear plugs. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 17:00 - United States

Mr. Burns

Today, I put icy hot on my aching shoulders, like I have been for several days. They seemed extra tender today, and it wasn't until the burning started that I realized I had put icy hot directly on a very angry sunburn. FML

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By Julieworld - 24/4/2020 08:00

Recycling helps

Today, I was able to find the Facebook profile of my ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend, for whom he left me for. I had been curious about who she was, and when I zoomed in on her profile pic of them together, I noticed she was wearing the ring he'd got me for Christmas and that I'd given back to him. FML

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By Andrew - United States - Blackwood

Today, I heard my ten-year-old brother say, "Are hamburgers a reptile?" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Niagara Park

Today, I set up a hidden camera in my room so I could prove that my sister beats me up when my parents aren't home, since they always accuse me of lying about it. When I showed them, they wasted no time accusing me of "provoking" her off-camera. FML

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By GEE, THANKS DAD - United States

Today, my dad forced me to take part in a pathetic act of revenge against our neighbors, who keep parking their 4x4 in front of our house. He made me stand watch while he kept trying to slash their tires. An hour later, we were waiting for my mom to bail us out of jail. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Saint-renan

Today, at the age of 57, my dad got a unicorn tattooed on his shoulder. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, her pet bird whistled a tune she'd been trying to teach it. She stopped and congratulated it, and I took the chance to move it to the other room to prevent further distraction. She got mad and wouldn't let me back in bed because I just "untrained it." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. She came over to see me one last time. We hugged for minutes and cried; it was a touching moment. Just after she left, I realized my wallet that I had on the table beside us was gone. FML

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By maystar

That's worth $0.30 at GameStop!

Today, it's my birthday. My mom and three other relatives each bought me a copy of Diablo 3 for my birthday. A video game that I didn't ask for, for a console I don't have. FML

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By Nuttjacob - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that you can get carpal tunnel from masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my friend why it's inappropriate to conduct a phone conversation while simultaneously eating a bagel, listening to music, and taking a shit. FML

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By cooploops - United States - Memphis

Today, I went to the mall with some friends. We all kept smelling this god awful B.O. smell and had no idea where it was coming from. On the car ride home, we all figured out it was actually me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was let go from work because they need "younger people". I'm 19 and I work at a flower market. FML

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By CloroxDoggo - United States

Today, I was meeting up with a friend in a town. He said he was at the restaurant we were going to meet at; I was too. Turns out I was in the wrong town. FML

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9311

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By birdiebeth13 - United States - Chippewa Falls

Today, after my shift at the hospital ended, I happened to look into a full-length mirror. My new scrubs turned out to be see-through. Instead of my undies, everyone got a good look at my cellulite-ridden ass. Fan-fucking-tastic day to wear a thong. FML

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By mallyboo - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I discovered that you should always check the litter box before vacuuming stray litter outside of it after my cat burst out from the box mid-piss and skittered around the house still pissing after I put the vacuum hose behind the box. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Midland

Today, while BMXing I felt my chain break loose. I only looked down for a split second, and that's all it took for me to crash into a young scooter kid, breaking not only my own nose and elbow, but both his arms. FML

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By opinaise - France - Toulouse

Today, my girlfriend opened my refrigerator and began her standard moan: "You're a pig, you never clean up. Look at that egg, it makes me want to throw up, it's gone black, it’s covered in fuzz, IT'S GOT HAIR ON IT!" I got up to check it out. It was a Kiwi fruit. FML

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By JN5SLK - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I walked into my dorm room, only to witness my roommate shaving her vag over my trashcan. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2020 03:31 - India - Bangalore

Don't hate the player…

Today, I went on a Tinder date with a guy who insisted that I go with him to his friend's house party to meet people and socialize, as I'm new to the city. When I got there, I realised he had invited two other girls as his date as well. FML

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889

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By Anonymous - Korea Republic of

Bad sandwich, bad week

Today, I went to the doctor's. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML

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By madmomma - United States - Veneta

Today, my mom got a new puppy and named her Olivia. Which would be fine, if that wasn't the name I had been planning to give my baby, who's due in 3 weeks. Thanks mom. FML

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31496

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By StillSingle - United States

Today, I went to my friend's beautiful wedding. The only other single girl there was 5 years old. She caught the bouquet. FML

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51216

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By Ally - United States

Today, I came home to my front door open and a homeless man taking a 'bath' in my sink. If this wasn't bad enough, he refused to leave because 'finders keepers!' FML

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By Wwiimaniac - United States - Dallas

Today, I finally achieved the perfect hourglass figure. Too bad I'm a guy. FML

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By bitter cherry - United States

Today, I took a cough drop to soothe my sore throat, only to choke, gag, and spend the next ten minutes at the point of vomiting because the bitter lozenge got stuck in my windpipe. FML

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By mando - Australia

Today, at work, I refused a customer a refund because there was nothing wrong with the item, and she didn't have the packaging. I then watched as she and her son rummaged through a public bin for the packaging. When I refused her again, she called me a "fucking idiot". FML

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By fmlgirl - United States

Today, is my boyfriend and my 3 year anniversary. We decided to give each other something that we really needed. I bought him the $300 worth of books that he needed for college. He surprised me with a workout video and exercise equipment. FML

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By shinymcface

Today, I went to the bathroom at work and there was a reed diffuser placed on the tank of the toilet. As I sat down, my hair knocked it off and the reed diffuser landed behind me, spilling the scented oil into my butt crack and vagina, burning me completely. I only had to work 6 more hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

TMI

Today, I learned that my girlfriend gives good head. I didn't find out by getting one, I found out by my drunk best friend telling me. FML

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By lalalalalala - United States

Today, I was excited to have a window seat on my three hour flight to New York. When I got to my row, I noticed the screaming newborn occupying the seat in front of me, and a pair of toddlers behind me. I then looked to my seat to find I have no window. FML

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By Sick Guy - United States - Boynton Beach

buys case of Listerine

Today, I wasn't feeling well at work. While I was in the bathroom losing my lunch, a very large piece of food came up. The resulting splash of toilet water went straight up into my mouth. FML

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By notguilty - United States

Today, while I was watching Miley Cyrus' new music video, I had an itch near my bikini line that I couldn't reach through my jeans. So I unzipped my pants to get to it, and that's when my boyfriend walked in on me with my hands down my pants. He thought I was getting off on the music video. FML

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49334

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By itsbeenalongday - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was taking a long, relaxing, hot bath with my girlfriend after a long day. She had fallen asleep in my arms and everything was perfect - until I noticed the water around us had started turning yellow as she pissed herself in her sleep. FML

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By NormtheNorm - United States - Enterprise

Bipartisan spirit

Today, I told my conservative friends over dinner that I was a bit of a liberal. They then went off on me about how liberals are lazy, stupid, and a financial burden on society. I was the only employed person at the table with a college degree and not living with my parents. FML

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By I can still feel it... - United States - Midlothian

Today, my contact split completely in half at a wedding. Not only did I interrupt the vows with my scream of pain, but I was only able to fish out half of it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I confronted my girlfriend over how she and a male friend have been going out together, drinking and partying, and at one point holding hands in the street. She angrily accused ME of cheating, because "confronting people like that" is apparently something only cheaters themselves do. FML

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Top comments

By RebornProblem | 0

#2842613 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:44

Now you know how Shaggy feels.

By muhaidib | 2

#2842763 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:55

15 - I read the comment so fast I didn't notice until I read yours...

COMMENTS

By Lifeisntfair13 | 0

#2842605 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:44

this happend to me to and my dad

whiteboy7thst | 2

#2842693 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:49

*and to

muhaidib | 2

#2842763 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:55

15 - I read the comment so fast I didn't notice until I read yours...

yummycupkake | 0

#2842889 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:07

were you beggin' for those strips?

JellyRollz202 | 0

#2842899 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:08

Lmao beggin strips ^^ :Pmy dog eats thoose

blanquito | 1

#2842972 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:18

I bet your dad barks out of the car window when hes drunk, right?

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#2843067 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:35

I don't get it. what's so weird about that? I eat doggy biscuits (French) all the time.

Yousuck24 | 21

#2843852 - Friday 8 July 2011 3:03

Your a werewolf! Aaaaaaa-ooooooo!

Ieatpeople1984 | 0

#2844233 - Friday 8 July 2011 4:04

You're

NANDwich | 5

#2844296 - Friday 8 July 2011 4:16

Shut up or I'll bite you.

JoeTheMan12 | 0

#2844367 - Friday 8 July 2011 4:32

yummy dog food ;)

sleepistheenemy | 8

#2844526 - Friday 8 July 2011 5:03

lol I accidentally have too!!!

2ndSucks | 15

#2844643 - Friday 8 July 2011 5:27

You didnt notice the meaty flavor?

JoeTheMan12 | 0

#2844705 - Friday 8 July 2011 5:38

I eat dog food for breakfast, is that bad:(

Emmi3xo | 4

#2844762 - Friday 8 July 2011 5:44

no, I think op meant "too,"

youaregay12345 | 0

#2845427 - Friday 8 July 2011 6:29

you must be a mongoloid

calebacleveland | 0

#2846788 - Friday 8 July 2011 9:46

Ruh-ro :o

starlover77 | 0

#2854266 - Saturday 9 July 2011 7:25

My friends dad doesn't even have tu be drunk....

By x3ShanTastic | 0

#2842606 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:44

Well they are healthy :)

garrettsgirl | 0

#2843007 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:23

now you'll have shiny hair and white teeth!!! look at the bright side!!

MrCrane3113 | 1

#2843782 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:56

Atleast they tasted good!

xgirlofglassx | 4

#2843784 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:56

Yeah, really. I make these apple biscuit things for my dogs and they're really good. I mean, if they're homemade then obviously they were made with edible stuff from the kitchen.

karmennn | 0

#2844038 - Friday 8 July 2011 3:33

at least they tasted good! and they aren't bad for you. nbd.

idunnolol108 | 0

#2846546 - Friday 8 July 2011 8:48

Yeah I used to love them when I was little!

iSitt | 0

#2846723 - Friday 8 July 2011 9:19

and since they are homemade they won't have the chemicals dogfood companies add to make them toxic to humans.

haydencisahoss | 6

#2851806 - Saturday 9 July 2011 2:11

Was it a Scooby Snack?

By raymel | 5

#2842612 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:44

you are so dumb, really really dumb.

hopesfallenuse | 0

#2842769 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:56

Dyke

hopesfallenuse | 0

#2842793 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:58

I will rape the moderator

AcidRaen | 4

#2842902 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:08

whats wrong withe pokemon?

AcidRaen | 4

#2842912 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:09

*with

KiddNYC1O | 20

#2843028 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:26

21- Way to throw Pokémon fans under the bus.

joker1995 | 2

#2843087 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:37

or in the trunk of your car

blaine72 | 0

#2843703 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:49

not cool

DCFan | 9

#2843830 - Friday 8 July 2011 3:00

Agree with #21. Asians are fucking weird. period

ym5 | 0

#2844183 - Friday 8 July 2011 3:56

my pokemon picture is the shit

cupcakeluver1212 | 0

#2844475 - Friday 8 July 2011 4:51

dog treats have all of the same ingredients that we eat so why is that dumb?

justanothagirl | 0

#2844558 - Friday 8 July 2011 5:09

well,, obviously! y'all don't know where he got that from :)

hellojpg | 0

#2844639 - Friday 8 July 2011 5:27

and this coming from someone who advertises having a "dirty mind" on her profile desc? hide yo kids, hide yo wife, hide yo husband too caus

raymel | 5

#2846623 - Friday 8 July 2011 8:59

thank you ppl who got the joke ugly dirty minded 12 year old Ginger hop off.

jacob12311 | 4

#2851427 - Saturday 9 July 2011 1:12

IS THAT A REAL CAT????!!!!!!!!!???????!!!!!!!!!???????!!!!!!!!?????!!!!

AcidRaen | 4

#2899724 - Friday 15 July 2011 19:41

I don't think 12 year olds should be on this site or people without souls

raymel | 5

#2963965 - Sunday 24 July 2011 10:06

^2nd that :)

By RebornProblem | 0

#2842613 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:44

Now you know how Shaggy feels.

LunaNstars | 0

#2842846 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:03

hey, shaggy used to love those things!

EagorLuvsBigFoot | 8

#2843083 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:37

Velma-Would you do it for a...SCOOBY Sanck?

garrettsgirl | 0

#2843885 - Friday 8 July 2011 3:08

I LOVE SCOOBY DOO!!!! :)

TheCrazyAli28 | 1

#2845403 - Friday 8 July 2011 6:27

damn right I would do it for a evolve sanck

chocomilk82 | 0

#2846906 - Friday 8 July 2011 10:29

scooby scooby do, where are you. ahhh i remember that stuff

love2txt89 | 0

#2846918 - Friday 8 July 2011 10:35

haha that's a good one(:

ashtay01 | 5

#4654199 - Thursday 5 July 2012 20:48

Scooby dooby do

By rjonesy1992 | 0

#2842615 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:44

Your dog must have it pretty good.

lolwutsameme | 0

#2848410 - Friday 8 July 2011 17:06

they were doggonne good!

By Bakayarou_fml | 0

#2842616 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:44

Scooby snacks!

By RokNRoll11 | 9

#2842634 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:45

I've done that they taste fine

By davex | 0

#2842636 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:46

haha well at least they won't do ya any harm. should have made sure first tho, but not really an "FML" as long as they "tasted good"

By CassidyxP | 0

#2842640 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:45

hahah that sucks. did they taste good?

LairaIsKindaCool | 6

#2842835 - Friday 8 July 2011 2:03

did he not say they did ..?

CassidyxP | 0

#2843860 - Friday 8 July 2011 3:03

oh right...

USMCSNIPER209 | 0

#2844401 - Friday 8 July 2011 4:36

lol

Gorillaninja | 0

#2848605 - Friday 8 July 2011 17:29

She.... don't mean to be a corrector but it is a woman/ girl.

By unluckiestperson_fml | 14

#2842657 - Friday 8 July 2011 1:47

If they tasted good, where's the FML?

Mr. Burns

Recycling helps

That's worth $0.30 at GameStop!

Don't hate the player…

Bad sandwich, bad week

TMI

*buys case of Listerine*

Bipartisan spirit

buys case of Listerine