Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML
Collection
Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Today, I found some cookies on my bed and got so excited that I kneed myself in my face. FML
Today, my roommate left a bomb looking package of cookies on the kitchen counter. My sweet tooth got the best of me and I made that split second decision of, "Oh, I'll just have one." Halfway through it, I noticed the fine print, "For dogs" on the package. FML
Today, I dropped some food on the floor and picked it back up, took a bite, and quickly realised it had toenail cuttings in it. I never cut my toenails in my dining room. FML
Today, I helped myself to some homemade biscuits that had been left in the kitchen. I thought they looked a little odd, but they tasted pretty good. I found out later they were homemade dog treats. FML
Today, I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand when my roommate walked in on me. Scared and looking me right in the face he says, "What's for dinner?" FML
Today, I tried my hand at baking homemade individual apple tarts. While taking them out of the oven, I dropped the entire tray on the floor. My dog acted like it was Christmas in August and scarfed at least half of them. FML
Today, I made heart-shaped cookies for my girlfriend. My mom's reaction? "They look like dicks." FML
Today, my room-mate came out of the bathroom, tossed a Playboy on the coffee table, threw away a used condom, dug his hand into my bag of Doritos, and washed his hands. In that order. FML
Today, I woke up early to bake cinnamon rolls for a party. I came home later to find the whole tray spilled onto the floor, most of the rolls eaten, and my dog sitting happily nearby. FML
Today, I made a small batch of cookies and took them to work. Mostly everyone took one, but nobody said anything until I asked how they were. Someone asked what my recipe was, because it tasted like I'd forgot to add sugar. I bit into one. I had. The cookies tasted like muddy mush. FML
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Top comments
Lifeh8sme2 11
I'm more curious as to why you had penis-shaped cookies.
ohcoolstorybro 14
How many could you fit?
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Comments (185)
kittenvks 11
Look guys, a cookie is a cookie.
crimsonlover4 31
But a penis cookie is even better with filling on the inside :)
ArielTheMermaid 17
This is so sad. OP, try to make some friends? :)
Pandacupcakelove 26
Just because you're not around other people 24/7 doesn't have to mean you don't have any friends.
agonydrum 7
It does if you're baking yourself a batch of penis shaped cookies and than eating them off the floor, it also means your probably a weirdo
selahsmithereens 1
Cookies are cookies, regardless of shape! Most people eat off the floor of their own houses anyway, and due to the novelty shape they were probably for a party or event and OP didn't want to feel guilty giving people dirty floor dick cookies.
agonydrum 7
No most people don't eat off the floor, that's disgusting, and she didn't have to eat them she could have just..idk.. Picked them up? Which if they were for a party she probably would have done, instead she ate them all her self off the floor in her pajamas
ArielTheMermaid 17
I wasn't saying she didn't. It was just a very very vague assumption that does seem kind of rude now that I reread it. My apologies
agonydrum 7
Isn't the opportunity to be a rude asshole to strangers like 50% of why this site exists?
WhyCantIDoRight 5
16 is a brony, So they most likely don't have friends.
rattusrattus 19
This is an acceptable life choice if they were chocolate chip dick cookies. If they were raisin, then seriously, what the ****, who puts FRUIT in COOKIES?! I mean, if you put fruit in the cookies then YDI. If they were chocolate though, all is forgiven.
perdix 31
So, did you swallow the icing or spit it out?
fyreprincess 3
perdix: had to go read your profile, since you so frequently make me smile. now I am looking for your comments in FMLs that I wouldn't normally open for further reading.
deequu 20
5 second rule isn't actually a rule. It there is no rule because once food is dropped its loaded with bacteria that shouldn't be there.
tisvana20 6
Actually it takes dry food a whole minute to be contaminated by floor bacteria. Wet food takes thirty seconds. At least on a floor that's cleaned more than once a month.
agonydrum 7
58 who told you that? Because they lied to you..
Jeffo193 13
19, stop being a prude.
selahsmithereens 1
Bacteria covers every single surface we are surrounded by and all parts of our bodies. As long as you don't have mounds of rotting food or bodily waste covering your kitchen floor it's unlikely you're going to be eating 'contaminated' food if you pick it off the floor.
deequu 20
79, you stop being a prude.
melij99 5
Does anyone remember the origin of the '5 second rule'? I feel like it came around in the late 90's but I can't remember from where.
Dracoboxer357 36
^ Hmmm, I remember that rule back when I was 15, flipping burgers at an A&W, and that was in 1995, so I'm sure it's older than that, if that helps. :)
Habu987 9
I can remember it from at least the early 90s, although it ranged anywhere from 3 seconds to 30 seconds at the time. 5 was the most common one I heard, though.
RedPillSucks 33
The 5 sec rule has been around for much longer than the 90's. I'm old and I've heard it from as far back as the 70's
outoftown 27
Likely started just after the invention of clocks.
Dracoboxer357 36
Well, I think wasting food is borderline criminal, so saving them if they're still clean is acceptable. As far as eating them off the floor alone and in your pajamas....somehow I don't think doing that in a prom dress in front of a full house party would improve matters whatsoever. ;) Don't sweat it, Op, it's all a matter of perspective! :) One version is you ate tasty cookies while in your comfy clothes. Another is you were on your knees cramping as much dirty penis into your mouth as you could while dressed like a slob. ;) Somehow, I think I'd pick the former while recalling this story to your friends if I were you. :) Cheers! ;D
PeteyPablo12308 20
That happens to me all the time.
melij99 5
You must really love penis shaped cookies.
FlyingFucker 6
What? Eating dick shaped cookies?
HeyArnold91 8
Has it been that long for you? Nonetheless, it take a real woman to admit to eating penis cookies off of the floor.
Enslaved 38
Were they cream filled cookies? Sounds better than an Oreo!