Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I found some cookies on my bed and got so excited that I kneed myself in my face. FML
Today, my roommate left a bomb looking package of cookies on the kitchen counter. My sweet tooth got the best of me and I made that split second decision of, "Oh, I'll just have one." Halfway through it, I noticed the fine print, "For dogs" on the package. FML
Today, I dropped some food on the floor and picked it back up, took a bite, and quickly realised it had toenail cuttings in it. I never cut my toenails in my dining room. FML
Today, I helped myself to some homemade biscuits that had been left in the kitchen. I thought they looked a little odd, but they tasted pretty good. I found out later they were homemade dog treats. FML
Today, I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand when my roommate walked in on me. Scared and looking me right in the face he says, "What's for dinner?" FML
Today, I tried my hand at baking homemade individual apple tarts. While taking them out of the oven, I dropped the entire tray on the floor. My dog acted like it was Christmas in August and scarfed at least half of them. FML
Today, I made heart-shaped cookies for my girlfriend. My mom's reaction? "They look like dicks." FML
Today, my room-mate came out of the bathroom, tossed a Playboy on the coffee table, threw away a used condom, dug his hand into my bag of Doritos, and washed his hands. In that order. FML
Today, I woke up early to bake cinnamon rolls for a party. I came home later to find the whole tray spilled onto the floor, most of the rolls eaten, and my dog sitting happily nearby. FML
Today, I made a small batch of cookies and took them to work. Mostly everyone took one, but nobody said anything until I asked how they were. Someone asked what my recipe was, because it tasted like I'd forgot to add sugar. I bit into one. I had. The cookies tasted like muddy mush. FML
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Top comments
Lifeh8sme2 11
I'm more curious as to why you had penis-shaped cookies.
ohcoolstorybro 14
How many could you fit?
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Comments (185)
templhan 6
I want a like button.
alfred07 18
Would you rather the cookies went to waste?
thisispatrick_fml 2
Were they dickerdoodles?
Negroification 7
It astounds me how many people ask why the poster is in possession of such cookies, and I can only imagine it's because they have never had friends who bought them joke gifts before.
lostinlabels 8
Were they hard or soft and chewy??
lenabeanna 3
Who just makes penis shaped cookies for the hell of it though?
darawbs 0
Weenie cookies FTW! S'okay. Better than a cream-filled ******** cake. (:
jmcgirl 3
Hahahahaha you are hilarious to others though.
joethebiden 8
Good Christ, that's gross. You do know that, scientifically speaking, there is no such thing as the five-second rule, do you? No, obviously you don't, otherwise you wouldn't have eaten a shitload of instantly contaminated cockies (you can quote me on this one) off your germ-ridden floor. Now if you'll excuse me, I puked a little in the back of my mouth and I gotta get a tall glass of water to wash the taste down.
SinghIt 1
I don't think anyone has died from eating food off the floor.... Unless the floor was particularly dirty and covered with some kind of poison :/
joethebiden 8
Died? Probably not. Had a serious case of the *****, the pukes, or just some good old fashioned stomach ache? I wouldn't be so sure.
SarahAlleen 8
It's really not that absolutely disgusting. It's food. Food is food. Wasting is disgusting. Think of all the disgusting things that happened to your food before getting it. Or the fact that every time you breathe in, you breathe in hundreds of dead skin and poop flakes. I think that's a bit more gross, and theres nothing you can do about it.
Dracoboxer357 36
128- I agree with you. Unless you want to walk around with a particle filter strapped to your face all day, who really knows what crap you're breathing. Also, to put things into perspective, I remember doing a bacteria culture test back in high school biology: we had to swab for bacteria in four different locations to see which was the worst. We took samples from a cafe table, my foot, my lab partner's mouth, and the floor under a urinal. My partner's mouth was the worst by far. :) So eating cookies off the floor may not be so bad. Making out with another human though, that's just asking for trench mouth!!! ;D Cheers! :D
happylawyer 16
I prefere baking cakes than cookies. There was a time the only cookie cutter I had was a dinosaur that I had bought for my son. I like hers better.