Today, I dropped a whole batch of penis-shaped cookies on the floor. Then I thought, "5-second rule" and started eating them. And then I realized that I was home alone, in pajamas, eating broken dick-cookies off the floor. FML
Collection
Black Friday
70% off something you didn't need, a stampede and a cart that crashes at checkout. Thanks, Black Friday.
Today, I found some cookies on my bed and got so excited that I kneed myself in my face. FML
Today, my roommate left a bomb looking package of cookies on the kitchen counter. My sweet tooth got the best of me and I made that split second decision of, "Oh, I'll just have one." Halfway through it, I noticed the fine print, "For dogs" on the package. FML
Today, I dropped some food on the floor and picked it back up, took a bite, and quickly realised it had toenail cuttings in it. I never cut my toenails in my dining room. FML
Today, I helped myself to some homemade biscuits that had been left in the kitchen. I thought they looked a little odd, but they tasted pretty good. I found out later they were homemade dog treats. FML
Today, I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand when my roommate walked in on me. Scared and looking me right in the face he says, "What's for dinner?" FML
Today, I tried my hand at baking homemade individual apple tarts. While taking them out of the oven, I dropped the entire tray on the floor. My dog acted like it was Christmas in August and scarfed at least half of them. FML
Today, I made heart-shaped cookies for my girlfriend. My mom's reaction? "They look like dicks." FML
Today, my room-mate came out of the bathroom, tossed a Playboy on the coffee table, threw away a used condom, dug his hand into my bag of Doritos, and washed his hands. In that order. FML
Today, I woke up early to bake cinnamon rolls for a party. I came home later to find the whole tray spilled onto the floor, most of the rolls eaten, and my dog sitting happily nearby. FML
Today, I made a small batch of cookies and took them to work. Mostly everyone took one, but nobody said anything until I asked how they were. Someone asked what my recipe was, because it tasted like I'd forgot to add sugar. I bit into one. I had. The cookies tasted like muddy mush. FML
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Top comments
Lifeh8sme2 11
I'm more curious as to why you had penis-shaped cookies.
ohcoolstorybro 14
How many could you fit?
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Comments (185)
usmclm 12
I guess that makes you a **** gobbler. Or a cockie monster!
smokeloverrr 2
Why the **** would you bake peins shaped cookies home alone. ****.
shen351 1
xx
Thaxton76 3
Wow that's dicked up.
Jessiejames337_fml 2
u ppl really have to ask that? cuz penis cookies r funny and who wouldnt love a good old , very large penis cookie? i know i would.. .lol
HunterAlpha1 8
wow, puts whole new meaning to the term "eat a dick". would it be safe for us to assume that you swallowed?
xoxoMEGANxoxo 13
Yum.
Gondile 4
Where did your life go so wrong?
stitesy29 18
And why were they penis shaped?
random365 0
I don't know why but this story brought a smile to my face and I laughed a little. I think it's the way you said it. But one question why were you making dick shaped cookies that could be a fml in it self.