Today, I found some cookies on my bed and got so excited that... - FML

By brittholzworth - 27/6/2019 20:00

Today, I found some cookies on my bed and got so excited that I kneed myself in my face. FML

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Weird kid

Rich people problems

Gratitude walks

By lindsay - 28/10/2019 00:01

Unflattered

Today, I was at the airport walking around, killing time. There was a man about twenty years older than me who kept on eyeballing me, and it really wasn't flattering. I get on the plane and guess who I get to sit next to. FML

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By IEatDammit - 30/1/2009 03:26 - Canada

Today, I had a stomach virus, so I didn't eat anything. My new roommate asked me if I was anorexic and to prove I wasn't, I ate a sandwich in front of her... Only to go into the bathroom and throw it up later. She heard and now thinks I'm bulimic. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2011 03:21 - United States

Today, my car got acquainted with about 3 dozen eggs. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2019 20:30

Today, I was on my way to work. Out of nowhere, my period started. Due to allergies, I had uncontrollable sneezes. Now, I have blood all over my pants. FML

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By LP - 16/2/2015 03:25 - United States - Madison

Today, I was at work copying some papers. The copier is below a shelf with lots of paper and signage, which suddenly flew off the hinge and hit me in the head as well as the copier. My boss ran in, asking, "Is the copier okay?" FML

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By Confuseddad - 16/2/2016 22:17 - United Kingdom

Today, two aggressive police officers appeared at my door informing me that a complaint was filed about my 18 year-old son having "inappropriate relations" with a 16 year-old. We live in England. I had to Google the law to prove to them this was legal. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2013 16:17 - United Kingdom - Uddingston

Today, I got dragged to dinner with my grandparents. It was awful from the start, but things took a turn for the worse when my grandpa went to give me a kiss on the cheek as we left. I could clearly see lice crawling around in his beard, and I couldn't stop it from touching my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 20:03

Tidy your room

Today, I woke up and stepped on a wet jacket. After smelling what it was, it turns out the cat had peed all over my laundry, especially the waterproof jacket, and after attempting to clean it up, it dripped everywhere and the entire apartment now smells like cat piss now. FML

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By BoogieCandy. - 23/10/2009 08:56 - Canada

Today, at work, I was standing at the till helping an attractive man. I have a cold and could feel the snot bubbling up. He orders and we flirt for a bit. Just as I'm about to hand him his product, I sneeze quite loudly and forcefully all over his face. Guess I won't be getting that number. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2009 01:26 - United States

Today, I had to go through the embarrassment and pain of telling my parents I was pregnant. I took the test and it came out positive and I was freaking out. I got grounded for the rest of the year and they're really disappointed in me. Five minutes ago, I got my period. FML

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By Beepbeepbeep - 1/9/2011 02:50 - United States

Today, I lost power. That didn't stop my house alarm from running on battery, loudly informing me in a British accent, "AC power disconnected. BEEP. AC power disconnected. BEEP." It's been going on for 5 hours and the battery takes a special screwdriver to remove. One we don't have. FML

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By dibman - 7/1/2011 09:11 - United Kingdom

Today, at work, I was asked to sharpen some pencils. I'm an electronics and mechanics engineer, and while I understand it's been quite a while since I was in primary school, I still wonder why my boss felt the need to explain in minute detail how to sharpen a pencil. FML

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By Female - 29/9/2016 03:26 - United States - Montebello

Today, I was excited to finally get an interview after being unemployed since getting out of the military nearly a year ago. Turns out, they weren't even interested in hiring me. They'd just never met a female Marine before. FML

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By metalmeow - 17/6/2019 05:00

Today, after taking care not to hurt myself during my workout, I injured my shoulder extricating myself from my sports bra. FML

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By kat - 28/11/2018 15:30

Today, I posted my phone for sale on Facebook. Someone hit me up to buy it and wanted me to meet them. I didn't really want to drive to them, but I'm a mom of 2 and I needed food and some extra cash so I did it. The guy asked to look at the phone and ran off with it. FML

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By Husband to be....maybe - 9/6/2018 09:00

Today, I found out I was allergic to bees, the hard way, at my wedding. FML

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By Nico - 16/2/2013 01:37 - France - Asni?res

Today, the company I was fired from three years ago merged with the company I work at now. The new owners' first order of business was to fire me again. FML

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By NeedALittleRoomToBreathe - 20/5/2017 02:00

Today, after having set up a date with a wonderful guy who seems to really like me, I caught a cold. I have also lost most of my voice because of it, so I now sound like an angry, deranged goose when I talk. This will be the first time he meets me in person. So much for a good first impression. FML

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By Dogless - 21/8/2011 05:51 - United States

Today, over a year on from my parents telling me my dog had died, I went to the shelter to volunteer, and saw my old dog. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2009 13:37 - United States

Today, I applied for a passport. I was told the first set of photos I took were unusable because my face, particularly my chin, didn't fit inside the designated area for your face in the picture. My chin did fit in the frame, my double chin however, did not. FML

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By StewPit - 16/4/2009 19:44 - United States

Today, I was eating some left over Easter peanut MandMs at work, when I exclaimed "oh cool, they have E's on them for Easter". It took me a couple of minutes, but I eventually realized that I was looking at a regular MandM sideways. Definitely explains my coworkers' uncontrollable laughter. FML

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By seriously?? - 4/2/2009 16:06 - United States

Today, I was running to the bus stop to catch the bus. The bus driver smiled, waved, and drove away without letting me get on. FML

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By WeezysBaby - 28/3/2009 22:13 - Canada

Today, I was going through my old MSN conversations. I then realized that when I first got MSN, I didn't know that messages you sent after people went offline would be delivered to them when they signed in. I used to type 'I love you' to my crush after every time he went offline. FML

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By honk honk, fuckwad - 6/11/2015 22:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had a dream where I was giving Justin Bieber a blowjob. I'm a totally straight male. I have half a mind to bill the little bastard for therapy sessions. FML

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By homelessagain - 18/2/2017 06:00 - United States - Lorain

Sue! SUE!

Today, I found out, through Facebook, that my landlord hadn't been paying the mortgage on the house I'm renting from him. It's going into foreclosure. FML

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By Fluffy - 11/1/2012 12:51 - United States

Today, I had to run a timed mile. I'm terrible at running. During the run, I thought I was doing a good job. That is, until the teacher told me to stop because I was three laps behind everyone else. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/5/2019 22:00

Today, I found out that my mother has been telling everybody that I’m a lesbian, because both of her best friends have at least one gay child each, and she was feeling left out. This explains why people have been treating me differently the last few weeks. FML

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By Estee1024 - 24/1/2014 05:28 - United States - San Luis Obispo

Today, my sister found out that Justin Bieber got arrested and now she won't stop crying. 5ML

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By partycats - 23/7/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I went to a funeral. When I got there, I hugged one of the family members and he asked, "How are you?" Out of habit, I replied, "Good, how about you?" He looked appalled and shouted "How the fuck do you think I am?! My mother just died!" loud enough for everyone to hear. FML

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By Michelle - 26/4/2010 21:42 - New Zealand

Today, I decided to quit smoking. During my lunch break, I tried to ash a KitKat bar that was in my hand after I took a bite. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2010 09:07 - Australia

Today, I found out that the friend I stayed up with for nights on end, talking out of depression and suicide, has 'politely' posted up on facebook that he secretly hates me. FML

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By GROSS - 7/3/2015 15:58 - Bangladesh

Today, I watched in horror from the doorway as my brother furiously scratched at his greasy hair and ate the large flakes of dead skin that came loose from his scalp. I think our real dad might be caged in a zoo somewhere. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2010 06:32 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend of a year exclaimed 'Oh my god!' for the first time during sex. Nope, I haven't improved in bed, I recently moved a tv into my room and something exciting happened on the show she was watching. FML

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By Poorfish - 17/3/2009 04:34 - United States

Today, my fish's tank was all green and nasty, but I had no time to clean it because I woke up late, so the job was left to my mom. When I came back, the water level seemed high, and the fish looked a little strange, so I asked my mom what she did. She said "I cleaned the tank with chlorine!" FML

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By Stacy - 21/3/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, I went into my older brother's room to get a condom. This happened the other day too when my boyfriend forgot one. So I went in there today and there was a note that said "Little Sister, stop using my condoms. And your boyfriend sounds like a girl when he climaxes." FML

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By Eric - 27/2/2012 21:58 - United States

Today, I ordered Chinese food. As I approached the restaurant to pick it up, I took out my keys and tried to unlock the front door. By the time I realized my mistake, everyone inside the restaurant had noticed and started laughing at me. FML

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By snortingspunk - 3/12/2015 12:52 - South Africa

Today, I gave my boyfriend a blowjob for the first time. He came. A lot. I doubt I'll remember it as anything other than, "The day I found out what sneezing semen feels like." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2014 21:07 - United States - Pensacola

Today, I asked my 12-year-old son what he wanted for his birthday. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, "A whore." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/2/2016 22:31 - United States - Malden

Today, my idiot neighbor decided the best way to dispose of the poison ivy in his yard was to pile it all up and burn it. I'm severely allergic. It was so bad that one of my eyes is still swollen half shut. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2017 12:00

Today, I used a blanket outside for a picnic. Later, while throwing it in the washer, I noticed a lizard jump out to land inbetween the bowl and the side. Then I noticed a wasp had joined it. I'm scared to open my washer now. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7816058 - Thursday 27 June 2019 21:21

That’s a better excuse for self-harm than anger at a computer.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7816091 - Thursday 27 June 2019 23:33

I can’t blame you — everyone kneeds cookies!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7816058 - Thursday 27 June 2019 21:21

That’s a better excuse for self-harm than anger at a computer.

By pineapplepuswah | 1

#7816068 - Thursday 27 June 2019 22:04

relatable 😂

By RichardPencil | 28

#7816091 - Thursday 27 June 2019 23:33

I can’t blame you — everyone kneeds cookies!

By nerd102 | 19

#7816148 - Friday 28 June 2019 5:29

Dude same

By misswilwarin96 | 11

#7816184 - Friday 28 June 2019 8:26

You just found cookies? You weren't expecting them? They just showed up?

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7816463 - Saturday 29 June 2019 6:37

Cookies are magical.

By Abbusser | 9

#7816596 - Saturday 29 June 2019 16:39

Now... How long were these cookies in your bed that you are just finding them now? Either you have a huge freaking bed and just happened to visit a spot you haven't been in for a while, or...

By measleweasel | 6

#7816743 - Sunday 30 June 2019 3:18

How do you even knee yourself in the face by accident? I don't think I could knee myself in the face if I tried 😐