Today, I found some cookies on my bed and got so excited that... - FML

By brittholzworth

Today, I found some cookies on my bed and got so excited that I kneed myself in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1114

You deserved it

693

Tweet

Share

Workaholic

Parental guilt

This guy is a GENIUS

By anonymous - United States

Today, I finally decided to get back at my roommates for eating all my food. First thing that kept disappearing was my water, so I decided to add lots of laxatives to my water this way the first person to go to the bathroom nonstop was the culprit. I forgot I had done that when I drank some myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8631

You deserved it

45524

Tweet

Share

By pimpslaprequired - United States

Today, I got on an elevator at the mall, along with a twelve or thirteen-year-old girl talking on her cell. She spent the whole ride telling the person on the other end how hideous I looked and how I look like a pregnant sperm whale. I was too humiliated to even say anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33894

You deserved it

4836

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was informed that my boyfriend's mother would be joining us on our Valentine's dinner. I'm not sure if this momma's boy thing is going to work out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29897

You deserved it

3545

Tweet

Share

By waltzy777 - United States

Today, we were having a family get together at my house. Because of this, i had to mow our lawn to make sure it looked nice. I got a little bored and decided it would be funny to cut a rather large penis into my yard. right when i finished, i ran out of gas. My 83 year old grandmother saw. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13585

You deserved it

82905

Tweet

Share

By BrokenHearted - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years who had taken a job in a new city last month came into town and told me that she had slept with a co-worker last Friday. Last Friday I was incredibly lonely but I turned down a very attractive woman because I didn't want to hurt my girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60787

You deserved it

5798

Tweet

Share

By I_Lossed - Australia

Today, I asked my girlfriend about a diamond necklace I bought her for her birthday, which she didn't seem to be wearing. She then told me she hocked it to pay for her inexpensive phone bill. I paid $1,500 for that necklace, she received $300 from the pawn shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44363

You deserved it

4755

Tweet

Share

By ekaay

Today, whilst cleaning the living room, I heard snickering coming from my bedroom. My two nephews had found my "play cupboard" and were blowing up condoms like balloons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3975

You deserved it

957

Tweet

Share

By alison89430 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I went to see a movie with my parents. During a sex scene, my dad covered my eyes. I'm married and have 2 kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9886

You deserved it

953

Tweet

Share

By heathenhaha - Singapore - Singapore

Done for

Today, I became the center of attraction of my office floor after sending my resumé to my work Whatsapp group, asking them to share with their friends for job openings. My VP is owner of the group. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2678

You deserved it

5926

Tweet

Share

By authorx - Canada - Toronto

Today, while driving during rush hour, I was singing so loudly that some jackass in the car next to me felt he should get my attention by throwing a wadded-up McDonald's bag through my open window, hitting me in the face with it, and telling me to shut up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28338

You deserved it

50445

Tweet

Share

By Awie - Austria

Today, it was our 5th anniversary, so I decided to play a little joke on my girlfriend. Before I gave her the real present, an engagement ring, I gave her a gift-wrapped rolling pin instead. I ended up in the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32264

You deserved it

19784

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my wannabe psychologist of a brother accused me of lying about all the violence and emotional abuse my ex inflicted on me, all because I went into "too much detail" when describing it, which he says is something only liars do. Thanks for the support. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24511

You deserved it

1621

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Dalton

Today, this beautiful girl that I've known for a long time told me that she just can't date me anymore because I remind her too much of her cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22328

You deserved it

1885

Tweet

Share

By ClairvoyantVamp - United States - Raleigh

Today, I found out my aunt posted a picture of my butt in a bikini bottom on Facebook. I didn't even know she had taken that picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11721

You deserved it

1009

Tweet

Share

By kissrocks4 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I got whiplash from sneezing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22378

You deserved it

3148

Tweet

Share

By daRN - Bahrain

Today, my sister just had a huge fight with my mom. After that, she thought it was appropriate to smash my $1,000 guitar to "blow off some steam." FML

I agree, your life sucks

74983

You deserved it

3075

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/4/2021 05:30 - Australia - Ballarat

Classic brain fart

Today, I lovingly simmered a chicken carcass, vegetables and spices to make soup. Two hours it took. After all that, I mindlessly strained out the chicken bones and let the soup pour straight down the sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks

993

You deserved it

498

Tweet

Share

By inthedark - Canada

Today, I found out why my five-year-old has been throwing tantrums while shopping. It turns out my ex-husband has been paying her three dollars for every public tantrum she throws. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39477

You deserved it

3665

Tweet

Share

By shameonme - United States - Nampa

Today, I found out one of my friends had never seen the "Two Girls, One Cup" video, so I loaded it up and told him to watch it. I knew he was squeamish, but I didn't expect him to actually pass out. He cracked his head on the side of my desk and had to be rushed to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12786

You deserved it

17217

Tweet

Share

By mandie - United States

Today, I brought my girlfriend of six months over to meet my family. When my grandpa saw her, he said, "What a waste of good breeding stock." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28370

You deserved it

2527

Tweet

Share

By hunchback of notre bite - Korea, Republic of

Today, I was in the shower with my boyfriend, and things started to get heated. That's where it all went to hell; I slipped and fell, bringing down with me the curtain and grooming products, and putting my back out. There goes my sex life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51326

You deserved it

7383

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé suggested we bring his elderly mother with us on our honeymoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38747

You deserved it

3469

Tweet

Share

By AJL - United States

Today, I parked my motorcycle in a parking spot. When I came back, my bike had been moved and was laying on its side with a note saying, "Sorry I dropped your motorcycle I was trying to move it forward so I could park my car because there weren't any other spots." FML

I agree, your life sucks

53398

You deserved it

6653

Tweet

Share

By Ceej - United States

Today, I was having horrible morning sickness. I was violently throwing up, could hardly breathe, and was gasping for air between each round of puking. My husband, in the other room playing video games, snapped and shouted, "Why can't you just be quiet?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

47539

You deserved it

6656

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my boss chewed me out for leaving a work function early. I explained it was to avoid a former co-worker I constantly fought with. The boss revealed he purposely invited that former co-worker, hoping our fight would provide entertainment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35385

You deserved it

2979

Tweet

Share

By Llaurin - United Kingdom

Today, my husband has been painting our house all weekend and plans to finish the job after work today. I decided to surprise him by completing the job myself. Painting the last window frame, I dropped the open tin of white paint, right onto our car roof. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25649

You deserved it

10748

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, the woman who sits behind me in class showed up. She shrieks in laughter until she has coughing fits every time anything even remotely sexual is mentioned, including evidence in sexual assault cases. Lectures are 3 hours long, twice a week, and I need this class to graduate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32434

You deserved it

2571

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter learned that if she rips a toy out of its package in front of a store employee, mommy will be forced to buy it. She now has two new toys today. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36828

You deserved it

11171

Tweet

Share

By microtech - United States

Today, at the microbiology lab, I discovered that the guy who took the shift before me didn't sterilize the work space very well. I am now blowing chunks from both ends from a very nasty strain of E. Coli. My company blames me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34542

You deserved it

3333

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, I used the restrooms at the shopping mall. The cleaning lady stepped in after me, immediately turned around and very demonstratively started spraying air freshener. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25012

You deserved it

6564

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my little sister figured out how to use the printer. I came home to pictures of Nicolas Cage all over my room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37255

You deserved it

5805

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I used one of their blankets to keep warm. Later, I saw their dog getting busy with said blanket. When my grandparents saw my look of horror, they explained that he has "sexual relations" with the blanket every night. Thanks for telling me, guys. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49586

You deserved it

4207

Tweet

Share

By Noname - United States

Today, I gathered the courage to participate in a class discussion. My professor laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29674

You deserved it

2619

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Not a girl, not yet a woman

Today, I got a very accusatory phone call from my daughter's teacher. According to my daughter, I absolutely refuse to let her eat in the morning. In reality, I told her it’s her responsibility to get herself up and get breakfast on her own before we leave. My daughter is 17 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2226

You deserved it

200

Tweet

Share

By Liav

Today, I took my "girlfriend" to a nice restaurant to celebrate our first month anniversary, only to find out she didn't even know we're dating, but only "friends who have sex sometimes." FML

I agree, your life sucks

5780

You deserved it

1651

Tweet

Share

By fionnathehuman - United States

Today, my 6-year-old son pooped in the back yard and used a stick to throw it over the fence into my neighbor's yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25235

You deserved it

3804

Tweet

Share

By imok - United States

Today, I was at the Salvation Army when I saw a wheelchair in the miscellaneous aisle. I thought it would be fun to ride around in it. As I was wheeling it back to where I found it, I made it back just as it's owner was hobbling out of the dressing room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8411

You deserved it

53441

Tweet

Share

By HeartToFart - United States - North Port

Today, I had to grip the headboard of my bed for the first time in months. I wasn't having incredible sex unfortunately, just really bad gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48642

You deserved it

6704

Tweet

Share

By Discostu80 - Australia

Today, I was at an awards dinner. I whispered in my wifes ear that she looked really pretty. She whispered in my ear that I should stop clapping so loud because I was embarrassing her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46680

You deserved it

6912

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/12/2020 20:01

Reverse Uno

Today, while trying to be sexy for my fiancé by going to change his background photo to a naughty pic of myself, I found out he's been actively cheating on me. For almost a year, with multiple women. When confronted, he tried telling how hard me finding out was for HIM. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1303

You deserved it

117

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7816058 - Thursday 27 June 2019 21:21

That’s a better excuse for self-harm than anger at a computer.

By RichardPencil | 30

#7816091 - Thursday 27 June 2019 23:33

I can’t blame you — everyone kneeds cookies!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7816058 - Thursday 27 June 2019 21:21

That’s a better excuse for self-harm than anger at a computer.

By pineapplepuswah | 1

#7816068 - Thursday 27 June 2019 22:04

relatable 😂

By RichardPencil | 30

#7816091 - Thursday 27 June 2019 23:33

I can’t blame you — everyone kneeds cookies!

By nerd102 | 19

#7816148 - Friday 28 June 2019 5:29

Dude same

By misswilwarin96 | 11

#7816184 - Friday 28 June 2019 8:26

You just found cookies? You weren't expecting them? They just showed up?

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7816463 - Saturday 29 June 2019 6:37

Cookies are magical.

By Abbusser | 9

#7816596 - Saturday 29 June 2019 16:39

Now... How long were these cookies in your bed that you are just finding them now? Either you have a huge freaking bed and just happened to visit a spot you haven't been in for a while, or...

By measleweasel | 6

#7816743 - Sunday 30 June 2019 3:18

How do you even knee yourself in the face by accident? I don't think I could knee myself in the face if I tried 😐