Today, I found some cookies on my bed and got so excited that... - FML

By brittholzworth

Today, I found some cookies on my bed and got so excited that I kneed myself in my face. FML

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There's no helping some people

Lobbied

Put your back into it

By WTFwhywouldyoudothat - United Kingdom

Today, my house got broken into. Thankfully they didn't steal anything. They did, however, move things around into strange places and mess up my underwear. I have severe OCD, so this is probably worse than if they had taken everything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Red Sox Nation

Today, my girlfriend called saying that she wanted to break up because she wasn't into me anymore. Yesterday, I paid $400 to take her to a Red Sox game, so I asked her why she even came with me. She said that she had been talking to her ex-boyfriend, and he said he was going to that game too. FML

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By neverakid - United States

Today, I surprised my daughter by telling her that I'm going to treat the family to a trip to the Himalayas in a few months. She promptly threw a tantrum and listed her main reasons for not wanting us to go: "It's a freaking desert there," and, "I'll miss the new Spiderman movie." FML

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By "mala_19"

Today, once again, my boss posted a selfie with a Snapchat filter on the company's Facebook page. She doesn't see how it's unprofessional. FML

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By literature - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff

Poor old George Orwell…

Today, we are reading Animal Farm in class. Almost the entire class think it's about animal abuse. Including the teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - Taiwan

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I used a fire extinguisher for the first time. Too bad it was on my car. FML

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By fourfootnine - United States

Today, I discovered that I'm short enough to be legally considered a midget. My daughter now wants to bring me to school for show and tell. FML

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By Branski - United States

Today, at a campfire, I whipped out my guitar to serenade this girl I like with a Nick Drake song. When I was done, she said it was nice, but that my singing voice sounds a bit like the Swedish Chef from the Muppet Show. A couple of people nearby burst out laughing in agreement. FML

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By dragonstooth257

Today, I confessed to my husband that I quoted Lightning McQueen in an interview and got my dream job because of it. He wont stop laughing and telling my friends. I'm never going to live this down. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I was almost done getting ready for a really big date, when I heard my dad call for help from outside. I rushed downstairs and out the door, only to be ambushed and showered by my father with the garden hose. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a breast exam. I'd never had one before, but assumed it would be quick and easy. I had no idea how ticklish my boobs are. I burst out in uncontrollable laughter and kept instinctively jerking away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went back home. My drunk mother was screaming at my drunk step-dad about a fight that happened four years ago. My little sister was looking in the mirror practicing her "orgasm face" while the neighbors were dancing outside, coked out and naked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my husband called me a nympho after I told him I'd ideally like us to have sex more than once a month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boss came over to my desk and struck up a casual conversation about movies. After a while, he sat on the edge of my desk, nodded toward my chest, and said in the same casual, lighthearted tone, "And nice cleavage today. Keep that up." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I signed for a delivery for my mom and something inside started to vibrate. I can't leave it because if she gets home and it's still vibrating she'll know I know what it is, but if I open it to turn it off, she'll know I've opened it and know what it is. Someone help me. FML

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By embarrassed niece - United States - Cumming

Today, my aunt had the wonderful experience of hearing my boyfriend and I have a very "satisfying" encounter after we stupidly forgot to turn off the baby monitor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brookfield

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wasn't feeling our two-month relationship was up to par with his parents' 30-year marriage, and, furthermore, I wasn't similar enough to his mother. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Cornwall

Today, my pre-teen brother has started using the entire Axe line because he believes that it will give him an "edge with the ladies". He insists on using the products at least three times a day, including before bedtime. I'm allergic to anything that is perfumed. We share a room. FML

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By liishax3 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I noticed my fish was still hungry after feeding him earlier. I figured, "Eh, a little bit more won't kill him". I was wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date, the first one I've been on since my last boyfriend broke up with me 6 months ago. We were in a restaurant, and at the end of meal he insisted on paying the bill. He wanted to leave a 15% tip but couldn't work out in his head how much to leave. The bill was for £100. FML

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By Grandson - United States - Ontario

Today, I watched as my grandma beat the shit out of my dad at the zoo. FML

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By SwordFish8 - United States

Today, while on a run, I thought I'd run into a flock of geese in a field. Doing so, I learned that when you do this alone, the birds don't fly away, they attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/10/2020 11:02

Rom-com

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my best friend who I'm crushing hard on that I like her. She gave me a look of revulsion and asked if I was joking. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while making a move in a board game that helped my boyfriend win, he got all excited and said "I love you, babe." I smiled until I realized this was the first time he told me that other than when he wants a blow-job. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2020 08:01

Protection

Today, I went on my first date in a year or so. It was going great, but after we left the restaurant, we went back to her place, where I was quickly chased out of the house by her two daughters, and her grandfather with a shotgun. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2020 02:00

Tactician

Today, in the most polite and friendly way I could think of, I told a friend that she's slightly too dramatic about things. She started throwing a fit, deleted my number, and ended our seven-year friendship. FML

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By the other man - United States - Fort Smith

Today, I learned that the girl I've been seeing for 6 months is actually married. She just dates me when her husband is pissing her off. FML

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By teaspoonzz

Today, I walked into the ladies' bathroom to find my male boss taking a dump with the stall door wide open. FML

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By AdriBAMF - United States

Today, I got asked to Homecoming by the person I really like. I said yes and I was really excited. But my best friend who has liked me since the 6th grade wasn't. He went and broke my date's jaw. FML

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By unlucky neighbors - China - Shanghai

Today, I was staying at a seedy apartment. A group of drunken idiots next door decided it would be fun to run into the wall simultaneously. They broke through the rotted wall and ran me over. FML

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By Brie - United States

Today, my grandmother pulled down her pants and screamed, "Kiss my ass" in the middle of a packed restaurant. FML

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By Thatslife - Netherlands

Today, I asked my friend what form of birth control she used the first time she had sex. She stared at me like I was from another planet and said, "You can't get pregnant the first time..." This moron is my best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - El Paso

Today, while at the beach, my son needed to pee. I told him to pee in the ocean. He took off his pants and peed from the beach to the water. FML

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By RC3Welly - United States

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was in my Cosmetic Application class, and we were about to apply foundation to our models. I walk over to my friend and say "Wow, that foundation is really orange and blotchy." Then the model turns to me and says "Actually, we haven't started yet... that's just my skin." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was giving my one-year-old a bath. I'd finished washing her, so she started to play and splash. When I went to lift her out of the tub, I slipped and busted my kneecaps on the side. Guess who sat there and laughed hysterically as I cried out in agony. FML

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By Sara - Vietnam - Hanoi

Today, I paid $50 to go to a war museum. It was so boring that I fell asleep standing up, lost my balance and faceplanted the floor right in front of our tour guide. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while at my parent's house I decided to take a shower. I had to use my sister's bathroom and once out, grabbed a comb from her cupboard to brush my hair. I then noticed the clumps of hair on my shoulders. It's a razor comb on one side, regular on the other. I used the wrong side. FML

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By LH0026 - United States

Today, I learned from the noise outside my window that construction workers start their days at 5 AM. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 29

#7816058 - Thursday 27 June 2019 21:21

That’s a better excuse for self-harm than anger at a computer.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7816091 - Thursday 27 June 2019 23:33

I can’t blame you — everyone kneeds cookies!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7816058 - Thursday 27 June 2019 21:21

That’s a better excuse for self-harm than anger at a computer.

By pineapplepuswah | 1

#7816068 - Thursday 27 June 2019 22:04

relatable 😂

By RichardPencil | 29

#7816091 - Thursday 27 June 2019 23:33

I can’t blame you — everyone kneeds cookies!

By nerd102 | 19

#7816148 - Friday 28 June 2019 5:29

Dude same

By misswilwarin96 | 11

#7816184 - Friday 28 June 2019 8:26

You just found cookies? You weren't expecting them? They just showed up?

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7816463 - Saturday 29 June 2019 6:37

Cookies are magical.

By Abbusser | 9

#7816596 - Saturday 29 June 2019 16:39

Now... How long were these cookies in your bed that you are just finding them now? Either you have a huge freaking bed and just happened to visit a spot you haven't been in for a while, or...

By measleweasel | 6

#7816743 - Sunday 30 June 2019 3:18

How do you even knee yourself in the face by accident? I don't think I could knee myself in the face if I tried 😐