Today, I discovered my wife has been smoking weed for the past...

By Anonymous - 31/7/2009 15:10 - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife has been smoking weed for the past 2 years before she has sex with me. She said it was the only way she could force herself to have sex with me. FML

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Intimacy

The student becomes the master

Fairytale ending

Rich people problems

By Sucker - 1/7/2018 01:30

* facepalm *

Today, five hours into my shift, I found out that I had been given the day off. They just forgot to tell me. FML

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By notagoodsign - 28/2/2011 10:55 - Netherlands

Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2014 20:23

Today, I fell asleep with my luggage at a bus terminal. Upon waking up, I found that someone had opened my bags and stolen all my socks. FML

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By Briscuit - 5/12/2013 00:00 - Canada - Pitt Meadows

Today, I was granted a donation to pay for a creative writing course. When I told my mom she couldn't even muster a smile. She found her excitement later, however, when she posted how proud she was of me on Facebook. I can only get praise through my mom attention-whoring on social media. FML

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By PollingLow - 10/5/2012 15:45 - United States - Decatur

Today, I ran for editor-in-chief of a magazine. I spent hours working on my speech, and offered a bunch of new ideas to increase readership. My opponent just said that she, "loved the organization". I lost by a 4-1 margin. My opponent later announced her plans for next year. They were all of my ideas. FML

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By anonymous - 4/12/2010 12:03 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were arguing about how he was too busy for me. During that conversation, he was texting his best friend and then called by his brother to drive him home. Instead of returning to finish our conversation, he left to prepare for his fishing trip with his mates tomorrow. FML

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By smarter than a mollusk, skinner than a hippo - 10/11/2010 17:33 - United States

Today, a girl who has had a problem with me for as long as I can remember, tagged me in a Facebook status update in which she equated my intelligence to that of a mollusk and equated my weight to that of a hippopotamus. My boyfriend, as well as several of my "friends," liked it. FML

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By Terrance - 14/8/2019 23:01 - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, I tried to point out to a chap in a van waiting at the lights that his tyre was flat, and that the rim had been spitting sparks all the way down the road. I was told in no uncertain terms, “Mind your own bleedin' business!” FML

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By youmothERFUCKErs - 13/8/2012 17:50 - United States

Today, yet again, I had to dye my hair brown in advance of the new school year, because my school doesn't allow "unapproved" colors, even if they're natural. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2010 07:21 - Australia

Today, I was on MSN when the conversation died. So I lied and told them I had to go get ready for a party, and that everyone was expecting me there. I spent the rest of the night playing The Sims. FML

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By ruined - 15/4/2020 17:00

Cooked it up

Today, I made the most perfect prime rib of my life at an amazing medium rare. I was so distracted dyeing eggs with my kids that I didn’t notice my mom cut the meat, then deciding to shove it back into the oven as it was “too pink” for her liking. She incinerated it beyond all recognition. FML

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By TimeForANewJob - 16/1/2017 17:47

Today, at work, my colleague started to look for a new job. For me. FML

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By pinkjade - 25/10/2011 07:17 - Canada

Today, I was napping. I woke up to my pillow making some sounds. Thinking it was my head shifting my pillow, I went back to sleep. Later on I woke up to the sounds again, and a mouse staring at my face. FML

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By hickey - 5/2/2010 10:35 - United States

Today, I made out with my friend for the first time. He gave me a hickey that can't be hidden. I'm the president of my church youth group and I have to help give a seminar on keeping your body like a holy temple... Tomorrow. FML

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By D.J. - 25/1/2014 01:34 - United States - Houston

Today, I ran into my apartment and let one rip, since I'd been holding it the whole elevator ride up. My parents had let themselves in while I was out, and laughed at me for a good 20 minutes. FML

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By Username - 19/2/2011 07:57 - China

Today, while at a party, a cute topless woman sat next to me to flirt with the guy on the other end of the couch. This is the closest I've been to a pair of boobs in 3 years. FML

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By tiredmom - 7/7/2016 15:03 - United States - Phoenix

Today, my son found a cockroach in his bed. I had to kill the thing and wash all his sheets and stuffed animals before he'd finally agree to go back to bed, three hours later. FML

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By Professor FacePalm - 28/11/2016 23:22 - United Kingdom

Today, the police gave me a ticket for obstructing a loading bay as the vehicle "was not parked within the loading bay markings". I couldn't get the vehicle fully into the loading bay because there was a police vehicle in the way. FML

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By SouthPaw - 14/1/2015 21:48 - United States - Baton Rouge

Today, I confronted my wife because I thought the many hours a day she spends at a local coffee shop were so she could smoke. Turns out she's cheating on me. FML

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By Lisa - 24/9/2018 14:33

Today, I came home from my vacation. My sister had been taking care of my dog and my apartment while I was away. As I walked in, I was greeted by a floor covered in poop and a destroyed couch. FML

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By "Alittlebitiffy" - 26/4/2017 14:00

Today, my husband insists he'll be able to make a career out of playing League of Legends. He says this with only $4 in our bank account because of his last brilliant career move. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2011 04:35 - United States

Today, I realized the only reason my boyfriend is dating me is because he has a pimple fetish. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2015 17:02

Today, my parents made me quit a school team that I absolutely loved, because women "aren't supposed to play sports." and were worried that if I stayed on the team, I'd develop a manly physique. FML

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By thanksforallyoursupportmomanddad - 10/11/2015 20:46 - United States - Arlington

Today, I overheard my parents talking about my husband. Apparently, they think he's a nice guy and all, but they don't really see him as "husband material." They think I would have been better off with my ex, who doesn't have a job and hurt me both physically and mentally. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/4/2012 21:46 - United States - Tampa

Today, I was walking home, when I saw a homeless man trying to tear the wallet out of another guy's hand. I can't stand bums, so I smacked him across the jaw. That's when the other one kneed me in the balls and made off with my wallet as well. FML

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By ImNotFat - 18/2/2015 04:22 - New Zealand

Today, a photo of my friends and me was posted in our college group. I didn't notice my legs looked enormous until my friend pointed it out. Her comment got 50 likes. FML

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By insomniac - 19/6/2009 06:41 - United States

Today, I was finally going to fall asleep at a decent hour. Having insomnia, I generally get about 2 hours of sleep. Right as I'm about to fall asleep, 5 firetrucks decide to drive right in front of my house with the sirens/lights on. FML

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By GodDaughter - 20/9/2009 00:08 - United States

Today, I was locked out of my house so I texted my cousin to come over and help me get in. She came over, stood on a chair and lifted me through the smallest unlocked window possible. Sadly, this was my bathroom window and I ended up head-first into my toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2014 20:30 - United States - Randallstown

Today, I was randomly selected for a pat-down while at the airport. Being from the south, I said thanks out of pure habit. The guy replied, "No sir, thank YOU." and winked. FML

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By friendless1004 - 12/11/2015 16:55 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I gave a group presentation. Because I didn't know the last names of my group members, I'd put fake ones in, intending to replace them later. I forgot to change them and I ended up giving a presentation alongside a very angry Greg Penishead and Josh Acne. FML

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By denied - 26/3/2009 23:49 - United States

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend in the hallway of our school, and once we got to his class, I leaned in for a kiss. Surprising me, he leaned away, and I asked what was wrong. He told me he's glad we're going out, but just doesn't want anyone to know. FML

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By sad-sexed - 6/9/2010 12:50 - Australia

Today, I was lying on my bed with my boyfriend. I didn't really want to have sex so I told him I would if he really wanted too, but I wouldn't enjoy it. He then started to undo my pants. FML

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By nimrod23 - 18/10/2009 09:28 - Australia

Today, as I was walking home late at night, some asshole threw a lit cigarette butt out of their balcony. It fell between my glasses and my eye and left a burn mark on my cheek. FML

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By Username - 11/8/2011 04:53 - United States

Today, I walked out of my house wearing only boxers, only to be greeted by kids with paintball guns. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/11/2018 05:00

Today, I met an old friend, who accidentally revealed he once met my wife in a club. They were both drunk and she let him have anal sex with her for a fiver in a club toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2012 04:53 - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was reading erotic literature and noticed several errors in syntax, resulting in my mood being killed. I was cockblocked by my need for grammatical correctness. FML

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By pod - 25/6/2011 23:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend threw me into his pool. I had my phone and iPod in my pockets. FML

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By will - 14/8/2019 12:00 - Canada

Today, my 6-year-old son apparently decided to make a game out of clogging the toilet with toilet paper. He won, and now the whole basement is flooded. FML

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By jarv49 - 16/3/2012 17:24 - Australia

Today, I saw my doc about the painful swelling I've had in my arm all week. He seemed totally out of it, and ended up telling me it's all in my head, despite the swelling. When I respectfully suggested it might be a blood issue, he just said "nah". FML

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By Murphs_Law - 16/11/2016 06:37 - United States

Today, my crazy downstairs neighbor was yet again fighting with her boyfriend by slamming every door. When this didn't work, she went downstairs to fight with his grill. She wheeled it to the end of the driveway and pushed it over. FML

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Top comments

By bittersweets | 2

#445312 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:06

on the other hand: how nice of her to think of your needs

By calcboi | 0

#445325 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:07

Maybe it's because you're SO big you hurt her, and weed is the only thing that relaxes her enough to make the pain go away. Lolz.

COMMENTS

By NickAlert | 1

#445305 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Cheatx | 0

#445335 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:09

you should go smoke with her too and maybe you'll last longer and she'll finally enjoy it?

nam3 | 0

#445450 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:30

YDI for having a small dick

kosscom | 0

#446258 - Saturday 1 August 2009 1:42

Hey be a fucking man! Buy her a huge vibrating dildo and make her happy! It's obvious shes either blown out, or your dick is the size of George Bush's brain!

Casualt1234 | 0

#446589 - Saturday 1 August 2009 3:51

this fml is a grammar disaster

rallets | 22

#447880 - Saturday 1 August 2009 18:09

why

Yee12 | 0

#970789 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 1:37

YDI for being Asian.

phreshboi | 1

#974354 - Monday 5 April 2010 9:48

couldn't you smell it? just wondering

michael419 | 0

#976753 - Friday 9 April 2010 7:00

amen!

StonerkidDGK420 | 0

#3942949 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 23:42

Your wife sounds pretty dope to me... You should try some

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6415364 - Monday 21 September 2015 2:33

@10- I was going to vote you down out of spite, then saw your pic and changed my mind. Yup, I'm that shallow!!!!

By blalien | 0

#445308 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:06

Rat her out to the police. Then enjoy your...conjugal visits.

kappaaa | 12

#1364236 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 8:18

haha good idea.

evanedwards85 | 6

#3243639 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 2:14

Fuck you

By lovely997 | 0

#445309 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:06

ew, dump her

msw52 | 0

#445702 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:02

not so simple when its a wife...

wooow_sucks_for_ | 0

#863087 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 23:31

dump her? they are married. not that easy.

By bittersweets | 2

#445312 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:06

on the other hand: how nice of her to think of your needs

selenes | 0

#445866 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:55

agreed. i mean, who cares? you're still getting laid.

maplebaby | 0

#446241 - Saturday 1 August 2009 1:33

yeah, be happy your wife at least tries to enjoy being with you, rather than forcing you to be part of a sexless marriage...is that what you want?

matildaaa | 0

#450780 - Sunday 2 August 2009 19:40

oh dear.

esquared77 | 0

#459382 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 18:29

I bet that's what he want's, to be part of loveless marriage...

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6415366 - Monday 21 September 2015 2:35

#4 has an excellent point!!! She could be like my wife and let your virginity grow back...

The666Ghost | 17

#6579026 - Tuesday 12 April 2016 13:50

That fucking sucks!!

By donutboy | 0

#445313 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:06

Eww

By NonImmigrant | 0

#445314 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:06

YDI for being ugly

PaulieeBooMN | 0

#449322 - Sunday 2 August 2009 4:07

I agree, ugly people shouldn't be

talksarahh | 0

#1911546 - Friday 31 December 2011 5:45

so are you...

By blechblech | 0

#445318 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:07

wow.

By calcboi | 0

#445325 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:07

Maybe it's because you're SO big you hurt her, and weed is the only thing that relaxes her enough to make the pain go away. Lolz.

exit_arsenic | 0

#445390 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:18

lmfao brilliant.
;)
i may use that someday

xLovey | 3

#446937 - Saturday 1 August 2009 7:13

Hmm, I actually do have that problem, I think I need to start smoking weed! XD

Qwermy | 16

#5882359 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 23:05

maybe she's got a small vagina. some guys aren't that big, but sex will still hurt their girlfriends/wives

By igraine | 0

#445333 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:08

Sounds just like "Annie Hall." Only less funny in real life!

sportmaster525 | 0

#445459 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:32

agreed

By cherlana32 | 0

#445345 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:10

Sex is so much better when you smoke first.

_chrissy_ | 0

#445468 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:35

I'd have to agree.