Intimacy: Today, I discovered my wife has been smoking weed for the past...

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife has been smoking weed for the past 2 years before she has sex with me. She said it was the only way she could force herself to have sex with me. FML

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Intimacy

And today, on Dr Phil…

One-sided

Squatters' rights

By sweetsixteenyay - United Kingdom - Caerphilly

Today, the new girl told me that a guy at the back of the class was being creepy. I looked over and saw him picking his nose and flinging boogers at the girls sitting in the front. That guy is my boyfriend. FML

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By search_me - United States

Today, while going through airport security the lady asked why I folded everything so small. I said that I was going away for a month and needed to fit a lot of stuff in only one bag. She smiled, nodded and then dumped my luggage to search for "drugs and other illegal teen things." FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark

Today, I was in my family's hotel room taking a dump. The lock to the bathroom was broken so we had made a deal: when the door is closed, someone is using the toilet. The maid didn't know that. She punched me in the face because she claimed I scared her. FML

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By Judiee - United States

Today, I was introduced to my boyfriend's family at their family reunion for the first time. As I sat on the couch, his 4-year old sister comes in and jumps onto my lap. For a moment I was happy to think his sister liked me, only to hear her say "You're fat! I like fat things." FML

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By joyf - United States - San Francisco

It's hot!

Today, my boyfriend's parents came over. It got hot, so I took off the jacket I was wearing, but I forgot I wasn't wearing a shirt underneath. FML

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By Amanda Howard - 15/3/2020 09:00

When you gotta go, you gotta go

Today, I came home after being stuck in traffic needing to pee really badly. When I went to the bathroom, my boyfriend was on the toilet. I couldn't hold it longer, so I went into the woods behind our house and found a bush. Relieving myself, my butt started to itch. I was sitting in poison ivy. FML

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By cookiecutter8 - United States - Carlsbad

Today, a guy started complimenting me and calling me beautiful. Halfway through, he burst out laughing and said he couldn't do it. Who needs self confidence, anyway? FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Bridgewater

Today, I started my job selling perfume in a department store. I decided to be creative and sprayed a little perfume towards the first person who walked by. She had an allergic reaction, and an ambulance had to be called. FML

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By WTF?!?! - United States

Today, I found out that I drunkenly texted my boss yesterday asking for nude pictures. He sent them. I'm afraid to go to work tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad got a new phone and put me on speed dial. I have received several voice mails from him accidentally dialed. They are from him riding the train, in a meeting, having lunch, and, most recently, him taking a monstrous dump. FML

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By norestforthewicked - United States

Today, I had to use a sick day from the school I teach at. While I was off, another teacher called me mid delirium, because my students were borderline rioting over the work I left for them. I'd asked them to read a book and edit the one-page essay they've had two weeks to work on. FML

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By Seabiscuit - United States

Today, I was snuggling in bed with my girlfriend. She was depressed, so I complimented her strong legs, saying they were "like a horse." I spent the next hour and a half trying to stop her crying. FML

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By Anonymous - Dominican Republic

Today, my expensive, multi-feature, water proof watch was destroyed... by water. FML

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By Lizziebelle - United States - Seattle

Today, my horse learned a new acrobatic trick. Unfortunately, I was still on top of him when he tried to somersault. The horse is fine. I'm in the hospital, fresh out of surgery for a broken femur. FML

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By Jean - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend told me love is like a drug. I started tearing up because this is the most romantic he has been in a while. He then went on to break up with me, telling me that my "prescription is up". FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, something in my shoe was bothering me at work. After about 30 minutes, I finally had a chance to fix it. There was a squashed lizard in my shoe. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, a few months after my son lost a canine tooth, he went to get a replacement fitted. He came home with his other canine tooth removed and both replaced by vampire fangs. Permanent vampire fangs in his mouth, where people can see them and judge me for being a bad parent. FML

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By badgirl - United States

Today, I Googled myself. I found my mugshot and a blog my mom had written about how much of a problem child I am. FML

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By whovian221b - United States

Today, after coming home from the hospital after I fractured my foot, I fell in the bathroom and dislocated my wrist. The ER doctor couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - Hong Kong

Today, my mum and I were walking down a road where we met an old neighbour who recently got divorced. Her son who we hadn't seen for about 10 years was with her and he looked very handsome. I said, "oh wow ! your son has grown up so much !" The woman replied, "this is my boyfriend." FML

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By MamaMia

Today, I realized it isn’t my 5-month-old son who has the issue sleeping without me, it is I who cannot sleep without him. This is his first night in his crib and I can’t fall asleep. FML

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By jaded_woman - Australia

Today, I backed out of the driveway of our newly built home. Being unfamiliar with the driveway, I ended up getting bogged in the mud and slid halfway down the steep slope of the front yard, trying free myself. I haven't met my neighbours yet. They stood in their front lawns watching me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home early from work, and caught my girlfriend with my best friend. I forgave her. She thinks it's because I love her. It's because I wouldn't get laid otherwise. FML

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By Kftc88 - United States - Pomona

Today, I have severe back pain that is only relieved by lying flat on my bed. I also have acid reflux that is only prevented by sitting straight up. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, while eating at my college cafeteria, I started thinking about all the awful crap going on in my life right now, and I started sobbing. Some guy at another table started snickering at me, at which point the guy I like said, "Give her a break. If I was as fuck-ugly as her, I'd be crying too." FML

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By Jif_Creamy - United States - Washington

Today, at my college, someone snatched my laptop out of my hands, so I chased him. Turns out I'm so overweight and slow that he moonwalked away facing me, while I sprinted my heart out. FML

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By thehumanshield - United States

Today, my house was raided for drugs. I had to find out my father is a drug dealer. The cops then told me this wasn't their first time here, but it was the first time I was home to see it. They said it was nice to finally meet me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went over to welcome this new couple to our subdivision with a bottle of wine and muffins. I told them I liked what they were doing with the place, then asked them when they had moved in. They replied, "Two years ago." FML

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By wetandhungry - United States - Houston

Today, I came home to find water dripping from the ceiling in my apartment laundry room/pantry. All of my groceries were ruined. Maintenance's suggestion? "Put a bucket under it." FML

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By Puppylove - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my friend's house, when she commented that her dog's fur kept getting tangled because of its length. I reached over to tickle his tummy, felt a big tangled knot and agreed that he needed a good grooming. Then I realized what I'd grabbed wasn't fur. FML

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By Bebefer - United States

Today, my mother and I went to a meeting at my school about a camping trip the students in my grade will be going on. When the time to ask questions came, my mother raised her hand and loudly asked, "What if my child is on their period during the trip?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, a girl who's in charge of a group project that I get graded on, asked if Bill Gates was a Founding Father. She was totally serious. I'm screwed. FML

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By blech - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I witnessed my dad rummage through his nostrils, thoughtfully examine the contents, and flick them nonchalantly onto the carpet. All of this he did with the biggest demented grin on his face. Sadly, this has become a regular occurrence. FML

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By TooLoud - United States - Moorpark

Today, I got a text from my neighbor complaining about my girlfriend and me being too noisy in bed. I'm at work. FML

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By MetalAtlas - United States

Today, I had to sell my only means of transportation, my 92 Chrysler Lebaron to a junking company because the transmission blew. When the guy finally got there, I had to shovel out the 5 feet of snow around my car, help him push it, and help him hook it up. Then his dog bit me. I only got $100. FML

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By FUSheldon - United States - Millstadt

Today, my boyfriend started watching The Big Bang Theory on DVD. Now he won't stop saying "Bazinga" every time he says or hears something that sounds funny. It's so annoying I want to feed him to the neighbor's dog. FML

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By hala - United States

Today, I was out with my friend. My six year old daughter was also with us. While we were walking through the parking lot, my daughter asked me in a very loud voice "Mommy, does a blow job taste bad?" FML

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By StabStab - Belgium

Today, my girlfriend accused me of being insecure and feeling threatened by the fact that she has a daughter from a previous relationship. She's vaguely right; I feel threatened, but mainly because the psycho keeps threatening to stab me to death when her mom isn't around to hear. FML

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By polimeros - Mexico - Quer?taro

Today, I had to excuse myself from the classroom so I could have a quick wank. This was because I somehow got extremely horny during a lesson on frog reproduction. FML

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By Sivvus - Reserved

Today, I paid £140 for a train ticket. All the seats were full. When I sat in the corridor the guard yelled at me. I paid £140 to stand outside a stinking train toilet for 7 hours. FML

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Top comments

By bittersweets | 2

#445312 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:06

on the other hand: how nice of her to think of your needs

By calcboi | 0

#445325 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:07

Maybe it's because you're SO big you hurt her, and weed is the only thing that relaxes her enough to make the pain go away. Lolz.

COMMENTS

By NickAlert | 1

#445305 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:05

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Cheatx | 0

#445335 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:09

you should go smoke with her too and maybe you'll last longer and she'll finally enjoy it?

nam3 | 0

#445450 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:30

YDI for having a small dick

kosscom | 0

#446258 - Saturday 1 August 2009 1:42

Hey be a fucking man! Buy her a huge vibrating dildo and make her happy! It's obvious shes either blown out, or your dick is the size of George Bush's brain!

Casualt1234 | 0

#446589 - Saturday 1 August 2009 3:51

this fml is a grammar disaster

rallets | 22

#447880 - Saturday 1 August 2009 18:09

why

Yee12 | 0

#970789 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 1:37

YDI for being Asian.

phreshboi | 1

#974354 - Monday 5 April 2010 9:48

couldn't you smell it? just wondering

michael419 | 0

#976753 - Friday 9 April 2010 7:00

amen!

StonerkidDGK420 | 0

#3942949 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 23:42

Your wife sounds pretty dope to me... You should try some

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6415364 - Monday 21 September 2015 2:33

@10- I was going to vote you down out of spite, then saw your pic and changed my mind. Yup, I'm that shallow!!!!

By blalien | 0

#445308 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:06

Rat her out to the police. Then enjoy your...conjugal visits.

kappaaa | 12

#1364236 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 8:18

haha good idea.

evanedwards85 | 6

#3243639 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 2:14

Fuck you

By lovely997 | 0

#445309 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:06

ew, dump her

msw52 | 0

#445702 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:02

not so simple when its a wife...

wooow_sucks_for_ | 0

#863087 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 23:31

dump her? they are married. not that easy.

By bittersweets | 2

#445312 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:06

on the other hand: how nice of her to think of your needs

selenes | 0

#445866 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:55

agreed. i mean, who cares? you're still getting laid.

maplebaby | 0

#446241 - Saturday 1 August 2009 1:33

yeah, be happy your wife at least tries to enjoy being with you, rather than forcing you to be part of a sexless marriage...is that what you want?

matildaaa | 0

#450780 - Sunday 2 August 2009 19:40

oh dear.

esquared77 | 0

#459382 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 18:29

I bet that's what he want's, to be part of loveless marriage...

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6415366 - Monday 21 September 2015 2:35

#4 has an excellent point!!! She could be like my wife and let your virginity grow back...

The666Ghost | 17

#6579026 - Tuesday 12 April 2016 13:50

That fucking sucks!!

By donutboy | 0

#445313 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:06

Eww

By NonImmigrant | 0

#445314 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:06

YDI for being ugly

PaulieeBooMN | 0

#449322 - Sunday 2 August 2009 4:07

I agree, ugly people shouldn't be

talksarahh | 0

#1911546 - Friday 31 December 2010 5:45

so are you...

By blechblech | 0

#445318 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:07

wow.

By calcboi | 0

#445325 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:07

Maybe it's because you're SO big you hurt her, and weed is the only thing that relaxes her enough to make the pain go away. Lolz.

exit_arsenic | 0

#445390 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:18

lmfao brilliant.
;)
i may use that someday

xLovey | 3

#446937 - Saturday 1 August 2009 7:13

Hmm, I actually do have that problem, I think I need to start smoking weed! XD

Qwermy | 16

#5882359 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 23:05

maybe she's got a small vagina. some guys aren't that big, but sex will still hurt their girlfriends/wives

By igraine | 0

#445333 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:08

Sounds just like "Annie Hall." Only less funny in real life!

sportmaster525 | 0

#445459 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:32

agreed

By cherlana32 | 0

#445345 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:10

Sex is so much better when you smoke first.

_chrissy_ | 0

#445468 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:35

I'd have to agree.