Intimacy: Today, I discovered my wife has been smoking weed for the past...

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife has been smoking weed for the past 2 years before she has sex with me. She said it was the only way she could force herself to have sex with me. FML

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Intimacy

Taking stock

Does this smell weird?

Eco-friendly

By JoannaG25 - Netherlands

Today, I was told that in order to be considered for more jobs, I should remove my college degree from my resume. FML

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By iheartexes - United States

Today, my boyfriend bailed on our one year anniversary celebration because his ex girlfriend asked him to go to a wedding with her and pose as her fake boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Watchung

Today, my wife was giving me a blowjob when I foolishly asked her how she got so good at giving them. She looked straight into my eyes and replied, "Practising on about six guys before you." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I crawled under a table to plug a new lamp. When I tried to get up, I hit my head on the corner of the same table, getting me my fourth concussion in three years for trying to plug a f***ing lamp. FML

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By Mikabe - Sweden

Today, I was working as an intern at a day care. One of the kids touched my chest a couple of times, and I jokingly told him that he shouldn't touch old and ugly women like me. So he started groping the little girls instead. When the other teachers asked him why, he said I had told him to. FML

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By Wilson

Today, I fractured my tibia, fibula, and tore a tendon in my ankle. How? You might ask. By stepping in a hole at soccer practice. Now I’ll be out for the entire season with months of rehab. FML

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By TJ AJ RJ / IV the V - United States - San Diego

Today, my boss flipped me off in traffic on my way to work. FML

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33709

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By Alex - United States

Today, after spending $120 to have a bouquet of flowers delivered to my mom, she called to complain that I had forgotten about her for Mother's day, but also praise my sister for apparently receiving my flowers I sent at the door and passing them off as hers. FML

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By GidleyWife - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my young stepdaughter decided that she should store her coins in my laptop's card reader slot and in the CD drive. I just bought the laptop last week. FML

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By fukingtigans - Croatia - Rupalj

Today, my business got broken into and I lost a lot of valuable equipment. Although I have 24/7 security guards, they left in the middle of the burglary because they were too scared to stop the burglars or even to call the police. FML

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By Thalassophobic - United States

Today, I went to the beach. I was in the ocean and I looked over my shoulder and saw a big black spot. Knowing that there were big crabs on the beach, I screamed. Everyone in the water heard including the lifeguards. It turns out it was just my shadow. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, while trying to lift a weight bar at the gym, I ended up cracking my rib cage and almost passed out. My friend, who was supposed to be spotting for me, couldn't help until the last second because he'd snuck off to flirt with a pair of guys halfway across the room. FML

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By asdfghjkl - United States

Today, after getting home from school, I realized I'd tucked my shirt into my underwear this morning. I'm fairly certain everyone got a good look at my lime green underwear. FML

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By zzz - Canada - Campbell River

Today, I was nicknamed "Sandman." Not after the bad-ass Spider Man villain but rather because my personality is so boring it puts people to sleep. FML

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By Dgama - United States - Baltimore

Today, I went to see my new boyfriend play in a band. I found out that groupies don't like even bass players having girlfriends. I was attacked by one because he smiled at me from the stage. FML

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2561

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By YouDontSay - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for ages. We were lying in his bed afterwards, and he mumbled the word "happy". I thought it was really sweet, until he repeated himself. "My girlfriend probably won't be too happy about this." FML

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By Anonymous - Norway

Today, I woke up with a hangover. I had a party last night. Besides a stolen TV, someone seemingly decided to take a dump in my piano. FML

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16456

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By slightlyworried - United States - Parker

Today, I woke up from a nightmare that I've been having for a couple of weeks. In the nightmare I'm shot four times in the back by none other than my mother. I'm getting worried. FML

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35052

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By Anonymous - United States - Des Moines

Today, I blew a huge gum bubble. My cat was on my lap and decided to shove her face in the bubble. There's gum all over her, and I still have scars from the last time I tried bathe her. FML

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29339

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By badtasteinmen - United States - Beaverton

Today, I finally got the courage to leave my controlling and manipulative ex. He took it well. And by "took it well", I mean he camped out my doorstep, held some of my belongings hostage, and tried to blackmail me into staying with him. FML

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By MushyKetchup - United States - Amarillo

Today, a tarantula joined my stuffed animal collection in its drawer. It, unfortunately, wasn't stuffed. FML

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23135

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By toelie

Today, at 6 weeks pregnant, I went to the ER in the middle of the night for severe abdominal pain, fearing ectopic pregnancy. Turns out it was just a wayward turd. FML

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3792

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor went through the normal questions, then paused for a moment and jotted something down. Later when I got back my report from the checkup, I noticed that the doctor had checked the "no" box by "sexually active." She didn't even ask me that. FML

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84272

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By noooo - United States

Today, my new friend and I went out to a concert. When we came back to her house, she ran upstairs and left me alone. Suddenly, a naked man came into my view and I stared at him horrified. Great way to meet her Dad. FML

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31924

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By conley19 - United States

Today, at work a little girl wanted a slushie. Instead of pushing the tab in, she lifted it up and broke the machine, spilling slushie all over the floor. I was the only one working, so I had to clean it all up. I spent the rest of my shift covered in red slushie and smelling like cherry. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Riverside

Today, my wife and I got in a 4-hour heated argument which resulted in her begging for a divorce and admitting that she cheated on me. This all started with us arguing about the instructions for our new IKEA table. FML

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32742

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By PeppermintPenny

Been There

Today, a coworker and I had our second date at my place. He wanted to show me pictures of himself in some club, where he had been a member in highschool. He started typing his name into the google search bar and it suggested his name from when I had googled him months ago. FML

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3602

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a mild epileptic seizure. My mom's immediate reaction was not to comfort me or call for help, but to freak out over the fact that I'd spilled my glass of milk over the floor. FML

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30854

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By bbbkingsey - United States

Today, while walking through the park, a little boy came running up to me and hit me in the nuts with a stick. I fell on the ground and looked up just in time to see his mom giving him the thumbs up with a smile on her face. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2020 16:58

The virus claims another victim

Today, I ran out of woodworking masks. I can't get a new one because of COVID. The cotton ones don't stop any of the dangerous particles, and now I have a cough. Screw COVID-19. FML

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892

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By Nick - United States

Today, my wife of over 20 years told me she wants a divorce because she wants "a change in life". She has had the same mullet hair cut since '84. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I finally confronted my bully. Too bad it was at my high school reunion and he beat the shit out of me. FML

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By mike4444 - France

Today, I bought myself a flower for Valentine's Day to be delivered to myself from "Anonymous". FML

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By cduran2011 - United States

Today, since I was taking a dump in my wife's parents' house, I lit a candle so that it wouldn't stink. While still sitting down, I went to blow it out and apparently, no matter how strong of a man you are, you will still scream like a little girl if hot wax falls on your penis. FML

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38460

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By gibsonSG323 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. While I was asleep, he drew a face on my stomach and when I woke up he was talking to it. He said it would be less weird if he was talking to my stomach with a face on it, representing the baby. According to him, our child is going to have a mustache. FML

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22654

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my mother why she had me in the first place, as we never get along. She replied because my father wanted me. So, I called my father to ask him the same question, he said he only wanted to have me to keep my mother around, and that didn't work, so I was a waste. FML

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47253

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By colorfulgina - United States

Today, I dropped my pencil in Bio and I leaned over to attempt to pick it up. Next thing you know it I tipped the desk over and I crashed onto my crush's lap with my face in his crotch. FML

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36271

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By Yeppets - United States

Today, I went to a comedy show with my mom, and they asked the audience members to yell out their problems as ideas for an improv skit. My mom yelled, "My daughter can't get a boyfriend!" FML

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By _RobotInDisguise - United Kingdom

Today, I received a 4 page letter in the post from a woman telling me she was Alan's wife. She spoke about their wedding in 2004, their two beautiful kids who love their daddy very much (she included pictures), and how much she loves him. Alan is my husband of 7 years. FML

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By ididntdoanythingaight - United States

Today, I got engaged to my boyfriend of three years. I made the announcement on my status on facebook so people would congratulate me. The only response I got about my engagement was from a girl I knew saying; "Umm, he didn't tell you he was cheating on you for three years with me?" FML

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Top comments

By bittersweets | 2

#445312 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:06

on the other hand: how nice of her to think of your needs

By calcboi | 0

#445325 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:07

Maybe it's because you're SO big you hurt her, and weed is the only thing that relaxes her enough to make the pain go away. Lolz.

COMMENTS

By NickAlert | 1

#445305 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:05

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Cheatx | 0

#445335 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:09

you should go smoke with her too and maybe you'll last longer and she'll finally enjoy it?

nam3 | 0

#445450 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:30

YDI for having a small dick

kosscom | 0

#446258 - Saturday 1 August 2009 1:42

Hey be a fucking man! Buy her a huge vibrating dildo and make her happy! It's obvious shes either blown out, or your dick is the size of George Bush's brain!

Casualt1234 | 0

#446589 - Saturday 1 August 2009 3:51

this fml is a grammar disaster

rallets | 22

#447880 - Saturday 1 August 2009 18:09

why

Yee12 | 0

#970789 - Tuesday 30 March 2010 1:37

YDI for being Asian.

phreshboi | 1

#974354 - Monday 5 April 2010 9:48

couldn't you smell it? just wondering

michael419 | 0

#976753 - Friday 9 April 2010 7:00

amen!

StonerkidDGK420 | 0

#3942949 - Wednesday 25 January 2012 23:42

Your wife sounds pretty dope to me... You should try some

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6415364 - Monday 21 September 2015 2:33

@10- I was going to vote you down out of spite, then saw your pic and changed my mind. Yup, I'm that shallow!!!!

By blalien | 0

#445308 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:06

Rat her out to the police. Then enjoy your...conjugal visits.

kappaaa | 12

#1364236 - Tuesday 7 September 2010 8:18

haha good idea.

evanedwards85 | 6

#3243639 - Tuesday 6 September 2011 2:14

Fuck you

By lovely997 | 0

#445309 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:06

ew, dump her

msw52 | 0

#445702 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:02

not so simple when its a wife...

wooow_sucks_for_ | 0

#863087 - Tuesday 16 February 2010 23:31

dump her? they are married. not that easy.

By bittersweets | 2

#445312 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:06

on the other hand: how nice of her to think of your needs

selenes | 0

#445866 - Friday 31 July 2009 22:55

agreed. i mean, who cares? you're still getting laid.

maplebaby | 0

#446241 - Saturday 1 August 2009 1:33

yeah, be happy your wife at least tries to enjoy being with you, rather than forcing you to be part of a sexless marriage...is that what you want?

matildaaa | 0

#450780 - Sunday 2 August 2009 19:40

oh dear.

esquared77 | 0

#459382 - Wednesday 5 August 2009 18:29

I bet that's what he want's, to be part of loveless marriage...

crudeandrudeguy | 29

#6415366 - Monday 21 September 2015 2:35

#4 has an excellent point!!! She could be like my wife and let your virginity grow back...

The666Ghost | 17

#6579026 - Tuesday 12 April 2016 13:50

That fucking sucks!!

By donutboy | 0

#445313 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:06

Eww

By NonImmigrant | 0

#445314 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:06

YDI for being ugly

PaulieeBooMN | 0

#449322 - Sunday 2 August 2009 4:07

I agree, ugly people shouldn't be

talksarahh | 0

#1911546 - Friday 31 December 2010 5:45

so are you...

By blechblech | 0

#445318 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:07

wow.

By calcboi | 0

#445325 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:07

Maybe it's because you're SO big you hurt her, and weed is the only thing that relaxes her enough to make the pain go away. Lolz.

exit_arsenic | 0

#445390 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:18

lmfao brilliant.
;)
i may use that someday

xLovey | 3

#446937 - Saturday 1 August 2009 7:13

Hmm, I actually do have that problem, I think I need to start smoking weed! XD

Qwermy | 16

#5882359 - Tuesday 11 March 2014 23:05

maybe she's got a small vagina. some guys aren't that big, but sex will still hurt their girlfriends/wives

By igraine | 0

#445333 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:08

Sounds just like "Annie Hall." Only less funny in real life!

sportmaster525 | 0

#445459 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:32

agreed

By cherlana32 | 0

#445345 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:10

Sex is so much better when you smoke first.

_chrissy_ | 0

#445468 - Friday 31 July 2009 20:35

I'd have to agree.