Today, I went to a petting zoo to take pictures. I look down... - FML

By Anonymous - 9/11/2009 09:12 - Canada

Today, I went to a petting zoo to take pictures. I look down to see a goat chewing the sleeve of my new sweater, so as I reached down to get it loose, it started eating my hair. People took pictures of me wrestling the goat before they helped me. FML

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Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Business savvy

Extreme late fees

By I Don't Exorcise - 10/5/2012 03:34 - United States - Shawnee

Today, I realized I was getting a bit chubbier than usual. I decided to go for a little jog to stay in shape. Little did I know, my neighbors that just moved in brought along with them, a fully grown German Shepherd. Not tamed. My "jog" quickly turned into a "sprint for my life". FML

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By Rusty - 18/6/2015 02:07 - United States - New City

Today, I'm actually starting to miss my former heroin addict neighbor because of how mellow he was compared to my new neighbors. FML

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By Joel - 2/9/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I found out that my company was throwing a work picnic. When i showed up, I realized that it had been planned months ago and I wasn't supposed to find out. The entire restaurant was there greeting me with faces of utter shock. Nothing says 'you suck' more than being 'that guy' at your job. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2012 07:58 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my 18-year-old daughter why she can't pull a duck face pose for her driver's license. She still doesn't believe me. FML

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By Jon - 18/1/2010 20:26 - United States

Today, I found out my little sister was a stripper. At the same time, she found out that when I said I was having a "quiet birthday with some friends," what I really meant was "hiring a stripper to jump out of a cake." FML

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By anonymous - 8/10/2011 20:40 - United States

Today, to keep me from "getting fatter", my roommate raided the kitchen. She ate everything from cookies and ice cream to deli meat. The only thing left in the house are vegetables. FML

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By anonymous - 18/7/2013 13:53 - United States - Woburn

Today, I overheard my ripped, handsome, genetically perfect brother telling my mom how "fat people" make him "nervous". I have only recently accepted my weight, after struggling for years. I now understand why my brother rarely talks to me. FML

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By Toothy - 2/4/2011 05:03 - United States

Today, I learned that when I leave skid marks in the toilet my wife uses my toothbrush to remove them. FML

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By Waiter - 4/7/2010 10:03 - France

Today, the guy I've been dating for 3 years got engaged to a woman I can't stand. I work as a waiter at a catering company, they hired the company and requested me as a server for their engagement party. FML

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By Rekt - 10/11/2016 05:40 - United States - Federal Way

Today, I was taking a break in my work truck when I saw a huge swarm of bees flying my way. I have a hand crank window so I started cranking it up as fast as I could and the knob snapped off before it closed and I got stung by the whole swarm before I could get out. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2014 16:44 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, it's my 20th birthday. I recently came home from college to visit my family, after my mother had a stroke a few weeks back. She ended up being the only person who remembered to get me anything. She also thinks it's still 2009. FML

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By rusty2020 - 25/3/2009 16:32 - United States

Today, we got our yearbooks for school. I opened to my profile to see that they misspelled my first name which is James. They wrote Lames. FML

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By SalonGirl - 10/3/2009 11:55 - United States

Today, I was at work and a very obese woman came in to get a pedicure. When she took her shoes off I noticed an odd black substance on her feet. I started scrubbing it off and wondered out loud, "What IS this stuff??" As a chunk of it fell onto my lip, she replied, "Girl, that's just the fungus." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2013 18:21 - Canada - Grand Falls

Today, I was at the beach. I'd recently decided to try the "life hack" where you empty out a bottle of lotion and hide small valuables in it, to avoid them being stolen. I'd put the bottle in my bag. Instead of stealing stuff from inside it, though, someone just stole the whole bag. FML

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By Jessica - 23/3/2013 19:00 - United States - Brighton

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of seven years. He stared at me, then said "Yeah, okay then. I'm gonna watch TV now." He then turned on the TV and watched Top Gun. Not quite the response I was hoping for. FML

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By B-377 - 23/10/2018 11:30 - United States - Sarver

Today, I was walking around my block when a random stranger pulled up next to me. He assumed I was a woman, and started catcalling me. I'm a 34-year-old man with a wife and kids, and my hair isn't even long. FML

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By Melissa - 8/3/2020 14:00

Badmouth Strikes Again

Today, my 7-year-old sister had to tell my mom to watch her language. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/6/2012 16:38 - United States - North Las Vegas

Today, I started my new job as a repossession agent. While attempting to repo a boat, we came across a young couple. The woman was very annoying, and even hit another agent, so I threatened to throw her in the water if she touched him again. I ended up in the water instead. FML

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By Thanks Santa - 17/12/2016 05:24

Today, 3 weeks after leaving my job, buying a larger car and moving to Ohio so my boyfriend could be near his family, he secretly drove my car and all my belongings back across several states just to break up with me. This was completely out of the blue while I was home visiting family for Christmas. FML

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By RunningMurphy - 15/5/2009 07:20 - United States

Today, at work, some little girl went in the bathroom for quite a while. Came out for two minutes and went back in. She then came out with her finger clutched in a paper towel. One of the other coworkers went in to check the bathroom. The little girl wrote "Hi!" with her own poop. FML

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By lauramarie - 23/7/2011 14:18 - Canada

Today, as I was hung over from a concert and refusing to get out of bed, my dad decided to hook up his top notch speaker system and play Christmas music that shook the house. It's July. Let the family weekend begin. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/3/2013 20:56 - France - Sainte-savine

Go deep

Today, I was chatting with a co-worker, and she mentioned she has trouble swallowing pills. I replied that I'm lucky, because I have next to no gag reflex. Half the guys at the other registers abruptly went silent, and I'm now being constantly hit on. FML

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By Andy - 27/2/2019 02:00

Today, while jetlagged and going through customs in Singapore, I grabbed what I thought was a pen to fill out the form. I heard it squeak as I lifted it up. It was a straw in the custom agent's drink. The resulting noise he made lasted 10+ seconds. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 02:52 - United States

Today, I came home and was greeted by my dad telling me that he pawned my guitar for gas money. FML

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By deranged - 25/5/2017 19:00 - Ukraine - Pirogov

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the bank to get her new ATM card. As the bank teller gave her the card, he said that the PIN remained the same. Indignant, she cried out, "How do you possibly know my PIN code?" She's 27. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2017 14:06

Today, in physics class, my teacher was messing around with an air cannon and I accidentally blurted out, "Blow me!" It took me all of 5 seconds to realize why everyone was laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2014 10:12 - Malta - Qormi

Today, after a dental appointment, my lips were numb. On the bus on my way back home, the cutest girl smiled at me. In attempt to smile back, I forgot my lips were numb and ended up spitting my chewing gum at her. I had to switch buses. FML

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By KamiyaHaine - 2/10/2013 05:54 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, I got married. The officiant of the ceremony referred to me as Amanda through my ceremony. My name is Anna. FML

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By CarrieBerrie - 14/8/2020 17:01

Fire in the hole!

Today, after being woken up with the intense urge to go to the bathroom, and having gone to the bathroom three times in the last hour, I finally realized I took two laxatives instead of two Midol. My ass is on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2013 20:15 - United States - Staten Island

Today, after I had changed my number to get away from my abusive ex, my mom decided to give him my new one. She insists that I need to give him another chance. FML

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By hatesmellyfeet - 20/1/2010 13:47 - United States

Today, I boarded my flight and sat next to a man. I told him I had hoped he was a hot woman and he concurred. He said at least I wasn't obese and I replied "At least you aren't smelly". Minutes later I realize he had the most disgusting foot odour ever... the barefoot kind. I suffered for 11 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2013 19:25 - Thailand - Bang Bua Thong

Today, I realised that I've never been able to successfully cook a meal outside of World of Warcraft. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2015 19:18 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was flirting with a cute girl at a club. She seemed into me and said I was hot. I said thanks and grinned. I guess my grin looked psychopathic, because her expression turned to horror and she quickly excused herself. That was the only girl who's ever shown any interest in me. FML

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By - 30/8/2020 13:01 - Australia - Liverpool

10 out 10 for execution

Today, I had to squat to retrieve something from the bottom of the cabinet in the bathroom. This caused me to fart and startle myself enough that I jumped and banged my forehead on the sink. FML

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By Sleepy - 4/7/2009 15:24 - United States

Today, I fell asleep while lifeguarding, thinking I could get away with it due to my sunglasses. When I woke up, I saw my boss waving at me. Apparently she'd been trying to get my attention for five minutes. FML

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By ThatAintLogical - 18/12/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I slipped as I was about to take a shower, knocking myself out cold. I woke up to someone banging on my door. It was a cop checking to see if I was okay. When I asked how he knew to come, he said he was notified by "a male neighbor who called anonymously." I guess I have a peeping Tom. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2014 16:57 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my husband told his parents that he was quitting his job so that he could focus on school. They asked him what he was going to do for money. When I told them that I'd be the one working, they took one look at me and burst into laughter. FML

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By anyoldnamewilldo - 11/12/2014 16:10 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I wore what I thought was a hideous sweater from the thrift store for an ugly sweater contest. I've gotten more compliments on it than anything else I've ever worn. I can't even succeed at failure. FML

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By piper55 - 10/5/2019 14:00

Today, for the first time in a month, I talked to someone in person besides my grandmother and my husband. It was a store clerk calling me "Miss" and asking if I was finding everything okay. FML

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By Username - 12/1/2010 04:03 - France

Today, I was nervous as hell for my driving test. The instructor told me to drive a straight line in reverse. I forgot to put the car in reverse from drive and drove straight into a parked vehicle. Which happened to be owned by the instructor. FML

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Top comments

By repyourcliche | 0

#662431 - Monday 9 November 2009 16:18

WWE here you come.

By n0lovesongs | 0

#662444 - Monday 9 November 2009 16:25

What the hell is up with all these petting zoo fml's lately? It's like there was some kind of fml gathering or something....

COMMENTS

By vitafabula | 0

#662430 - Monday 9 November 2009 16:19

That's actually kind of funny :)
Sorry for your loss...of...your sweater

Reply

okiidokii_fml | 6

#3769452 - Thursday 22 December 2011 3:41

Yeah that is pretty funny.... After all she did wanna take picture.... Haha

Reply

stuffhappens223 | 7

#3789400 - Monday 26 December 2011 11:25

Lol and hair

By repyourcliche | 0

#662431 - Monday 9 November 2009 16:18

WWE here you come.

Reply

Xero3g | 5

#662674 - Monday 9 November 2009 19:20

I would say that the hair is a bit more important. However, props to the goat for not taking shit.

Reply

Unregistered | 0

#662997 - Monday 9 November 2009 22:52

YDI for letting that goat go to second base on the first date WHORE

Reply

Sun_Kissed18 | 25

#663172 - Tuesday 10 November 2009 0:25

Well I must be wearing some weird ass sweaters because my sleeves are always on my arms, not my boobs...

Reply

boredperson | 0

#664922 - Wednesday 11 November 2009 2:05

WIN

Reply

osemness | 0

#1925177 - Tuesday 4 January 2011 2:57

YDI for living in the prairies

Reply

torch433 | 1

#4438555 - Tuesday 15 May 2012 17:57

#1 lol nice

By n0lovesongs | 0

#662444 - Monday 9 November 2009 16:25

What the hell is up with all these petting zoo fml's lately? It's like there was some kind of fml gathering or something....

Reply

salathiel2013 | 0

#662527 - Monday 9 November 2009 17:20

Ya I know. That's at least three. Was there a "coming out" of the petting zoo stories? Lol...

Or maybe one of them reminded the others of theirs?

Reply

IgniteMe28 | 0

#662920 - Monday 9 November 2009 22:09

ik right?

one with a llama spitting at someone followed up with a goat pissing on them or something like that

another one with a rodent pissing on someones head @ a zoo

and then this one....

Reply

Cant_Touch_This_ | 0

#663768 - Tuesday 10 November 2009 8:35

Lolz. Read my mind.

Today I went to petting zoo. FML

Reply

aharcrow | 2

#2416628 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 13:17

I think one story reminds peeps of their own story. so the share in succession.

By Brave_Sir_Robin | 4

#662446 - Monday 9 November 2009 16:26

Did you at least make the goat scream "Uuunncclleee"?

(atomic bombs start to fall)

Fine. If anyone needs me, I'll be in the clocktower...

By Jimboom | 11

#662448 - Monday 9 November 2009 16:27

Ha ha! Goats are funny.
Sorry about your sweater though.

By Stevieebabyy | 0

#662459 - Monday 9 November 2009 16:36

Haha! Fail. I would've taken pictures.

By deven7 | 0

#662465 - Monday 9 November 2009 16:39

Fail.

By colie2772 | 0

#662477 - Monday 9 November 2009 16:44

hahahaha oh god that must have sucked!!

By Mx_Rider | 6

#662480 - Monday 9 November 2009 16:45

awe so sorry.....

nahhhh fail for u

By NativeCowbell | 0

#662510 - Monday 9 November 2009 17:06

I doubt he's telling you the truth. He is more likely tell you this just to be a jackass. Don't beat yourself up.