By whoreticulturalist - 27/10/2012 19:18 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Spicy
Today, I decided to watch some porn to cheer myself up after having recently been dumped. Halfway through wanking the gibbon, I got a horrifyingly painful cramp in my foot, and cried out in pain. Ten seconds later, with my pants still down, my dad rushed in to see if I was okay. FML
I agree, your life sucks 29 541
You deserved it 15 480

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Wanking the gibbon...?

Lmao, that sucks. All over that sucks, didn't finish, in pain, and embarrassed. Sorry to hear bro.

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Lmao, that sucks. All over that sucks, didn't finish, in pain, and embarrassed. Sorry to hear bro.

Your comment is confusing. I re-read it, it didn't help.

I think he means everything that happened sucks. But I'm not sure I can't read horrible grammar.

1, we never found out if OP finished or not.

Now op's dad probably thinks he cries every time he pleasures himself.

17- Your grammar isn't exceptional either.

My bad 31 I forgot that comma towards the end, didn't I?

^ You forgot a few commas in that comment as well.

41 troll much? Lik who gives a fuck

#55 I'm thinking you. After all, you were the one who trashed someone else's grammar, yet didn't like when the tables were turned. If nobody cares about grammar mistakes in your comment, why do you care about the grammar mistakes in #1's comment?

If you're going to criticise someone else's grammar, it might be best to be able to handle criticism yourself. There's no harm in being corrected.

My last comment I purposely spelt like wrong. Also to add I wasn't the only one criticizing his poor grammar skills.

55- Hypocrite much?

Why don't you shut the [email protected]& up?

Umm ... this comment wasn't *that* hard to understand.

I honestly have a harder time reading Inheritance's comments than 1's comment. *shrug*

But you were the one who made grammar mistakes and rather than correcting them, insulted the writer. Also, you then acted like grammar didn't matter to try and save your own ass.

Well there was one thing that didn't sucked or is that get sucked...

On a site like this, no it doesn't matter. Why I didn't correct them? I just don't give a fuck, and I was not trying to save my own ass.

91- you should be quiet at this point, especially to prevent further criticisms. Your incompetent ways aren't helping either. I truly recommend that, in order to "save your own ass", you should just stop while you're ahead. The hole you're digging is far too deep anyway. If you want, learn grammar first before commenting. That will help for future situations.

55. Everyone on here gives a fuck about poor grammar. I suggest using proper grammar while commenting to prevent future fights.

Nah ill continue :). Not much you can do but sit there and complain about my "poor" grammar skills. My advice move on and leave me alone.

91, if grammar supposedly doesn't matter why did you criticize the other person? Don't try to be a grammar nazi if you can't take criticism yourself. Also, on a site like this grammar does matter. Just saying.

I was more or less agreeing with the person before me.

97. You're being very immature. You're acting like a 5 year old. Just take the criticisms and deal with it. No one on here likes bad grammar except the people who have bad grammar. Just stop fighting

I'm not the only immature one here. You guys all continue with pointless shit that you could just drop, and get on with your life.

HA! Made my night but bro that sucks for you

Lol hanging the Gibson.

Well at least you spelt "the" right. :)

Autocorrect - making the original joke/comment sound even funnier, since 2009

Wanking the gibbon...?

Yeah, you know "spanking the ferret" "slapping the sausage" "pounding the meat" "furiously masterbating to lithuanian goat porn"...... That sort of stuff.

Ya you know "choking the chicken" "punching the clown" or

Or "Fapping"and "cleaning the pipe". I Can go on forever with these.

Beating your meat Wacking off Jerkin' it Cranking one out

Flopping the penguin Eating the iceberg Elving the North Pole Shoving the snow...

Strangling the rooster

I don't know 45 I don't eat my own iceberg

Spanking the monkey. Jerking the chain. Tugging the twig. Beating the dog...I can think of more but some of them have already been used.

I cannot believe "furiously masturbating until I black out" didn't make this list...

Flogging the dolphin and lightsaber training :D

Shelving with the orangutan?

Those are all original. You need better ones, like slapping the dragon, jerking the chain, etc..

Making baby batter

What about "Hitting the John" I've heard that one a lot of times before, my friends use it for some reason.

People masturbate so hard that they black out? Jeez.

You can tell how important something is to a culture by how many words or terms they have for it. lol

82- I read that in Wonka's voice. Scared the crap out of me.

Smoking the bong

Playing the skin flute

Wanking the wanker, tickling the one eyed yogurt flipping soldier, and more!

Choking the bald guy till he pukes

Awkward...

At least there wasn't a pie attached to the gibbon

At least OP's hand wasn't glued to his gibbon and his dad didn't have to take him to the hospital. Please tell me you were making an American Pie reference.

Tell me about it. This is a common occurance for me. Minus dad walking in

Wanking the gibbon that's hilarious.

First I see spanking the ferret and now this. Lol u didn't know there were so many terms out there for that.

Is it too hard to say "masturbating" anymore? Must we give it weird phrase names?

I think they just use the phrases to make themselves look smart, clever, and original.

Ever heard the song Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo by The Bloodhound Gang? A song full of fun euphemisms!

Yes. We must. What is it with traditionalist meat beaters these days?

If OP is successful at masturbating, it will be hard.

Not really if he is successful then probably quite soft. Unless he a Viagra or something like that

"well you see I was changing and I stubbed my toe and..." I really dont know how to explain this as I dont have a penis but good luck

"...the pain really turns me on."

Why do you need a penis to think of an explanation to getting caught masturbating? I guess girls are just too smart to be caught, right? ;)

26- because two heads works better than one.

I see what you did there ;)

That's what you get for not locking the door you wanker.

I'm just curious to know how you got a cramp in your foot

this is kind of an awkward subject, but it's somewhat common for me.

Foot cramps are such a pain in the ass... Wait...

Cramps occur when there is not enough blood/oxygen flowing to a certain part of the body, i.e foot. So that probably happened to OP at the worst possible moment.

Thursday, I totally feel your pain. Common for me too.

u get cramps when an area lacks blood/oxygen. if all ur bloods rushing to your dick, then well....

Haha shit happens it's a dude thing haha