Intimacy: Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and he was moaning...

By only my life - United States - Concord

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and he was moaning a lot. My ego was quickly crushed, though, when I found out they were moans of pain due to a foot cramp. We had to stop so I could rub his foot better. FML

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Intimacy

Proactive

Welcome back!

Assumptions

By LuckySperm - United Kingdom

Today, my dad told me that after my two older siblings were born, he got a vasectomy. However, something went wrong, and the vasectomy had failed, resulting in me. FML

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By twinkie2 - United States

Today, I treated myself to a cheeseburger. I left it on my coffee table while I grabbed a napkin from the kitchen. While I was gone my dog ate it. Then puked it up all over my carpet. Which I then had to clean up. FML

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By Eleanor - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I tripped and fell on my open dishwasher, right onto a carving knife. I'm mostly ok, except that my nipple has been sliced neatly in half. Seriously, the two halves keep flapping open like a little mouth. It would be funnier if it wasn't so painful. FML

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By brotheritachi

Today, it was my first driving lesson. I was so bad, the police stopped me and accused me of being drunk, because I almost crashed into the pole in front of them. FML

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By ivyleaguebabe - United States

Today, my sister asked me to help her set up for my niece's birthday party. Being the lazy person that I am, I got my niece to blow up the non-helium balloons. Apparently she's allergic to latex and I'll be the one paying for the hospital bill. FML

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By alphafoxy21 - United States

Today, after spending 8 months and $11,000 on school, I was denied a job in my chosen career field. They told me they decided to go with someone with more experience. So who got the job? One of my classmates. This is her first job. EVER. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Evansville

Today, the guy I've been seeing for a little over a week proposed to me. FML

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By rastamerican - United States - San Jose

Today, at a red light, my mom started to tell me that she and my dad hadn't had sex in months, that they "probably won't bounce back from this one," and are most likely getting a divorce. FML

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By StairwayToEvan92

Today, I ran over a recently-killed skunk in the road. My truck now smells absolutely rancid, and the smell will probably last for months. At least it goes well with my dog, who was also skunked 6 weeks ago. FML

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By TrashlifeKaylala

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk

Today, my father once again sat me and my boyfriend of a year down to have another "talk." These "talks" are always something negative against our relationship, and how it’s not up to his standards. We’ve explained numerous times why he’s wrong. My father is about to make me single. FML

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By tee - United States - Kansas City

Today, I was told it was inconvenient for me to take lunch breaks, because someone else has to answer the phones and no one else wants to actually do any work. FML

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By itisthedude - United States

Today, I was walking with my very attractive friend who I like a lot. She then told me that her roomate wouldn't be home tonight, and if I wanted, I could come over and study history. I didn't get it. I told her no thanks, that I was covered, and it was chem I needed to study. An hour later, I understood. FML

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By Sod's Law in action

Today, I turned up to my job interview ready for any question, with impeccable references and previous work experience. Then I saw that one of my interviewers was the lady I accidentally hit with my bicycle last week. She still has stitches in her cheek. No job for me. FML

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By bells - United States

Today, at the office, after a heavy night of drinking, I had to hear my boss walk around with bells attached to her shoes. She circled the office a total of 34 times today. FML

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By RensM - New Zealand

Today, I went to the movies. I was seated next to a woman who talked through the film and said: "Awwww" every time she saw a primate. I went to see 'Rise of Planet of the Apes'. FML

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By canucks_chick - Canada

Today, I dislocated my jaw while giving my boyfriend a blowjob. FML

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By nullpointer - United States - San Francisco

Today, I farted so loud that my cat thought that I was growling at him, and bit me in self-defense. FML

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By LadyJ - United States - Minneapolis

Little shit

Today, I had to tell a parent about her son kicking a boy in his class. She blamed me for not watching him. I wasn't watching him because I was turned around to care for another boy he had hit right before that. FML

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By squeak - United Kingdom

Today, I thought my hamster might be lonely, so I went to the pet shop and bought a new one to keep him company. The new hamster killed the old one. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went into my fridge and someone had drank all the beer. Only my 8-year-old son lives with me. FML

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By mickymoose1 - 19/7/2020 02:02

Stinky

Today, my dog decided to play with a skunk. Today is also the day I figured out that no matter how much you wash everything that's come in contact with the smell, it will never go away. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Unforgettable

Today, it was my first day of work at my new job. I got dressed and arrived early, only to find out that the store had closed due to a power outage. Then I found out that the person who'd hired me had totally forgotten about hiring me anyway. FML

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By someone72 - United States

Today, I got excited when my phone vibrated cause I thought someone actually wanted to talk to me. When I grabbed my phone I realized my mind played a trick on me and I only thought it vibrated. I'm so lonely I subconsciously trick myself into thinking I have friends. FML

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By Jason Brazil

Hypochondriacs of the world unite!

Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my wife frantically saying something about her having scabies, and that I had to take her to the ER. It turned out to be eczema. FML

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By sigh - United States - North Branford

Today, I gave the guy I've been seeing a copy of my newly published book, because I know he loves writing. He started reading and commented on how amazing it was. Then he gave it back. He didn't realize it was a gift. My awkward self didn't correct him. I'd written him a sweet letter inside. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2020 15:00

Clean me, humanoid

Today, I had to wash my cat. Twice. The first time was because he decided to roll over in the litter tray after using it. The second was the result of him pissing on the floor, then rolling in it right after I'd dried him from the first time. FML

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By nuberific - Canada

Today, I was in the change room at the local YMCA. I went to use the hair dryer but couldn't because a naked old man was bent over, butt cheeks spread wide with his hands, and ass aimed at the dryer. He seemed to be enjoying it. FML

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By EyesofStone - United States

Today, I decided to work on my social anxiety by ordering some food. I waited in line, practicing my order in my head all the way. When I got to the front, I said my order with no mistakes. The cashier just stared blankly at me until I mumbled, "Never mind..." and left. FML

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By Anonymous - United Arab Emirates - Dubai

Today, I found out that my classmates hate me so much that they have a seating arrangement where people have to sit next to me on a rotating basis. A fight broke out yesterday because someone tried to skip their turn. FML

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By HiddlePuff - Australia

Today, while teaching my class, I hooked my laptop up to the projector and put on a documentary. I left it playing and went to the toilet. When I came back the whole class was talking to my mother. She must've Skyped me while I was gone and someone answered the call. FML

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By FarisH - Jordan

Today, I went to my orthodontist where I was informed that I'll going to the prom, to my brother's wedding, and maybe to university with braces in my mouth. FML

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By satanworshipper - United States - Hollywood

Today, I received another death threat for teaching evolution in college. I'm a geology teacher. FML

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By Shianna - United States - Holden

Today, my son was fired from his new job, which was going to support us since I recently lost mine. His excuse was, "Conflict of interest." He was a mascot for a fast-food restaurant and refused to dance around. FML

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By katurday - United States

Today, my landlord came over while I wasn't home. My friend and her pets were thrown out by her husband. I'm the only person she knows in this state and she begged me to stay. I reluctantly told her fine; just don't answer the door. She did, with the animals, and told him she was living here. FML

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By SharpeOne

Today, I found out that my parents didn't come to my wedding not because they couldn't make it, but rather that my younger brother didn't want to go. FML

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By 1337fade - Denmark

Today, my wife figured that a good foreplay move would be to rub MY underwear in MY face. FML

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By ToiletProblems - United States - Northbrook

Today, I decided to use the disabled toilet in work to get a little extra privacy while I did my business. The cleaners who unlocked the door from the outside and barged in on me were nice and waited until I finished to apologize and explain there were complaints the door had been locked for days. FML

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By Neglected - United States - Wimberley

Today, I told my husband it would be great to spend an evening with a bottle of wine and a pile of blankets on the balcony of our cabin during the cruise. He decided it would be great to ditch me and go out gambling. FML

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By SaveMeTeddy - Canada - Burnaby

Today, it hit me that I'm incredibly pathetic, when at the age of 21, I tucked my stuffed animals into bed with me, facing in different directions so they could keep watch for monsters while I slept. FML

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By Anonymous - Austria

Today, I was outside searching for "treasures" with my son using small plastic shovels. All of a sudden he starts screaming. He dug up the bones of our old dog. I told him that we had sent him away to live on a farm, I even helped my son write letters to the farm owners. FML

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Top comments

By piedpiper303 | 29

#5923186 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 3:04

Oh yea! Cramp more foot! Ohhhh yeaaaa!!!!

By Beanu | 20

#5923188 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 3:06

At least you caused pleasure and satisfaction for him while rubbing his foot better

COMMENTS

By piedpiper303 | 29

#5923186 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 3:04

Oh yea! Cramp more foot! Ohhhh yeaaaa!!!!

HersheySquirts | 17

#5923278 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 4:03

He just could not fullfill your satisfaction..... as guys we will make any reason for such situation.

NotR3ddy | 20

#5923339 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 4:58

He might've cramped from trying too hard haha

GeneralStew | 7

#5923360 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 5:17

Remember everyone stretch before sex so no unfortunate cramps ruin everything. :P

skeeter551 | 10

#5923610 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 12:19

ahhh! so tight!

By Beanu | 20

#5923188 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 3:06

At least you caused pleasure and satisfaction for him while rubbing his foot better

nchic01 | 17

#5923318 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 4:38

but still a major buzz kill

Mr_Loudmouth | 9

#5923344 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 5:02

Catching a cramp during sex is no joke. Once during sex, both of my quads cramped up on me simultaneously. That was horrible.

13ky13 | 20

#5923771 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 16:16

Major Buzzkill *salutes*

By baseballbv | 17

#5923192 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 3:07

At least you got the satisfaction of knowing you pleased him.

By damaniii | 7

#5923193 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 3:07

I guess it was too much of a "feet" to handle.

aleahlioness | 15

#5923271 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 3:53

Feat, guys.. Feat.

By rhysfucker | 24

#5923194 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 3:08

You'll be able to laugh about this later; for many years if you stay together. Cherish the small funny moments!

By CoGhostRider | 31

#5923196 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 3:08

Oh the agony of "de feet"

By belljars | 22

#5923206 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 3:12

What its love?

SweetasCandy0609 | 28

#5923441 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 7:54

What?

colombiatti | 14

#5923448 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 8:00

Let me finish that for you #7 ;)

Baby, don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more
What is love?
Baby, don't hurt me
Don't hurt me no more

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, uh uh

By emily4040 | 18

#5923207 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 3:12

Sorry OP. You gotta feel bad after that.

By junkman6 | 22

#5923211 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 3:13

Am I the only guy sex starved enough to say he wouldn't stop having sex because of a foot cramp?

SnazzyPotter | 17

#5923249 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 3:32

*looks around the room*
*whispers in a squeaking voice* "....no"

genYnot | 19

#5923292 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 4:20

I'm a girl and I still agree with you. I wouldn't stop either.

NightHawk387 | 22

#5923342 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 5:00

You've obviously never had a really agonizing foot cramp. Foot cramps are the worst kind of muscle cramps.

ohcheriecherie | 20

#5923365 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 5:32

I'd probably feel too awkward to stop because of a foot cramp...
...

wannabeactress71 | 8

#5923405 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 6:25

I'm a girl so it might be different but foot cramps are the WORST of all cramps. It feels like your foot is caving in and it's just very painful.

Godsofdracos | 15

#5923423 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 7:18

Wait until you experience one during sex. You might say you won't stop but that's not true at all.

I think mine went "Ow, ow, ow, oh shit leg cramp"

glabberfasted | 16

#5923614 - Wednesday 23 April 2014 12:27

58 - Speaking as someone who has prescription narcotics specifically FOR period cramps... Muscle cramps are much worse. What's worse about period cramps are that they don't go away as fast.

junkman6 | 22

#5924277 - Thursday 24 April 2014 1:39

I've played sports all my life so I've had my fair share of cramps. Including foot cramps. "Finish the play and die after." "Rub some dirt on it." Both sayings come to mind immediately.