Today, I decided to watch some porn to cheer myself up after having recently been dumped. Halfway through wanking the gibbon, I got a horrifyingly painful cramp in my foot, and cried out in pain. Ten seconds later, with my pants still down, my dad rushed in to see if I was okay. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, and he was moaning a lot. My ego was quickly crushed, though, when I found out they were moans of pain due to a foot cramp. We had to stop so I could rub his foot better. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when I got a sudden agonising cramp in my foot. I cried out in pain, but he didn't stop. If anything, my cries of pain seemed to spur him on. FML
Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t Skyping my boyfriend, while both of us were totally naked. I had just told him to “put those toes in your mouth and I’ll cum like you’ve never seen before”. FML
Today, I was browsing porn in my room, when my dad barged in. I quickly switched to another tab, only to see it was parked on another porn page. I had another browser window open, so I switched to that. More porn. My dad said, "Riiiggghhhttt... You need help, son." FML
Today, I had a mini heart attack as my dad stopped in the middle of the street and said, "I wonder what'd happen if I just dropped my pants right now and started jerking it in front of all these motherfuckers." FML
Today, I was watching porn when I heard my mom call for me. I closed my laptop right as she walked in my room. The sound, however, kept going. FML
Today, I started watching porn in my room with the volume muted. A minute later, my dad knocked on the door, so I closed everything and called him in. He just said, "Son, you disgust me." and walked out. Now I'm too paranoid to use my own computer. FML
Today, I had sex with this guy who I like very much. As he went to leave, I decided to give him one last thrill. I reached down his pants and started to rub and stroke him. He abruptly pulled my hand out. When I asked why, he pointed behind me. My mom had watched the whole thing. FML
Today, I masturbated so hard I got a cramp in my forearm muscle so unexpectedly that my hand spasmed, slipped off my penis, and I punched myself in the face. FML
Today, I was woken up by the sound of my dad blasting porn on his computer. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
The_Big_Boss 20
Wanking the gibbon...?
FMLkaiiden 8
Lmao, that sucks. All over that sucks, didn't finish, in pain, and embarrassed. Sorry to hear bro.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (128)
olpally 33
Sounds like Quagmire needs to teach you a few things, Brian...lol
farkie3 8
I'm pretty sure Quagmire doesn't normally need to resort to ****.
olpally 33
I'm done commenting for the day... I've sucked today for the most part... Lol. Having a cold doesn't help... Laterz.
SenselessPattern 12
High five for being a trooper, 35! *misses and hits own balls* I wonder if it's taboo to reference deleted FMLs? We shall see...
bladedrose 3
There's an entire family guy episode devoted to quagmire discovering Internet ****! He gets addicted and then beats his meat so much he becomes a shut in and gets really buff. So bravo and well said sir!
matt98_fml 13
Awkward level: 10/10
Futacy 30
Yeah, because whenever I get depressed, I instantly head straight for the **** sites. No fun music or hanging out with my friends or enjoying being single, but lots and lots of ****. That always makes everything better.
CrewBoy 10
The whole "Watching **** to cheer me up" thing really got me laughing.
I_iz_B_a_troll 24
Don't boobies and bukkakes put a smile on every guys face? Or is that just me...
CrewBoy 10
Dude, it's all about that Double Anal Fisting. Or DAF for short. That shit could put a smile on my face any day.
CountDuk 5
That's funny. The same thing's happened to me... 10 times, though.
ICastillo 25
Dang man you're going to go blind.
BulldogHoops 14
Opening up PussyPictures can be a painful ordeal
ICastillo 25
Here's a little joke: Dad tells son if you don't stop maturbating you're going to go blind....The son says dad I'm over here.
ilovesarcasm 18
Well, were you okay, physically at least? Cramps are the worst. I already know you are emotionally scarred as well as robbed of any self dignity; but at least the cramp subsided, right?
perdix 31
If you are going to "wank the gibbon" while people are around, you've got to be able to handle pain without making a fuss. You've got to suck it up! Aren't you learning anything from those girls in the ****?
TheJester12 15
+ 50 for the use of the phrase " wanking the gibbon" Potential : using the Kleenex box to cry and blow your load into simultaneously . Now you're thinking efficiently ;)