Intimacy: Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been... - FML

By Hard in flip flops - 21/01/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t Skyping my boyfriend, while both of us were totally naked. I had just told him to “put those toes in your mouth and I’ll cum like you’ve never seen before”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 791

You deserved it 4 611

Mama's boy

I can't quit you

Overreaction club

By ko - 03/01/2015 17:53

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd come over and help me move a heavy dresser so I could paint the wall behind it. After an hour of waiting for him, I decided to move it myself. He finally arrived, not ten minutes after I broke my toe when I accidentally dropped the dresser on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 043

You deserved it 9 653

By niccy - 09/09/2010 04:33 - United States

Today, my neighbor came up to me, lowered her voice and said, "I suggest you buy some drapes for your bedroom dear..." When she started to walk away, she added, "...and a gym membership." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 479

You deserved it 10 439

Thanks?

By Anonymous - 23/12/2017 06:00

Today, I went out with a guy who, about 20 minutes into our dinner, said, "Wow, you don't sweat much for a fat chick." FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 160

You deserved it 550

By Anonymous - 10/05/2012 20:33 - United States - Walpole

Today, I was at a restaurant with my kids. I told my 13 year old about how the very first time she said she loved me. She was 2 and it was at this very restaurant. I told her the details and even started tearing up a little. She didn't even look up from her cell phone and said, "That's fab, ma." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 153

You deserved it 8 751

By Anonymous - 21/02/2011 03:28 - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 291

You deserved it 4 984

By Anonymous - 19/03/2010 10:05 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I realized that my new boyfriend only showers about once every ten days, and to get him to shower more often I have to bribe him with oral sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 797

You deserved it 22 131

By Anonymous - 27/01/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, as I was walking home, I passed some little girls who threw a bunch of snowballs at me. I dodged every single one, ran away laughing, and gave them the finger. I then ran into a snowman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 567

You deserved it 46 923

By Shower? - 19/10/2009 07:26 - France

Spicy

Today, I was texting my boyfriend, making plans to see him tomorrow. He ended the conversation by saying "I'm changing my sheets tomorrow, so take a shower." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 343

You deserved it 6 362

Dead wrong

By Anonymous - 18/06/2020 08:08

Today, I attended my husband's funeral and my son carried out the eulogy, which basically turned into a character assassination, ending with "and I hope Hell is hot enough for you, old man." Almost our entire family agreed with every word he said. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 491

You deserved it 389

By NextTimeMom'sDriving - 11/06/2014 16:41 - Canada - Kelowna

Today, my family and I were on a road trip. Everything was fine until we discovered that my dad, the driver, was not only fast asleep, he was also snoring. We were in the middle of the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 513

You deserved it 4 452

By SkiMaskFukd - 07/05/2010 13:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, I just realized the harder my girlfriend comes during sex, the louder she snores after. I've tried earplugs but sometimes, like tonight, once I am up, I can't fall back to sleep. My choices are thus great sex and no sleep, or great sleep but no sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 148

You deserved it 5 789

By Flighted - 22/09/2012 04:54 - Canada - Georgetown

Today, I had to suffer through a four hour flight beside my ex. Yesterday, I proposed, on the last day of our vacation. She said no. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 555

You deserved it 3 035

By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 19:20 - United States

Today, my son couldn't find all the parts to his Cub Scout uniform. I had a serious talk with him about being prepared, and how he would need to live with the consequences of not having the right outfit on. When we arrived at the meeting, everyone was in costumes because it's Halloween. I forgot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 742

You deserved it 43 980

By noname - 14/01/2009 06:33 - France

Today, my husband called me “my little zebra”. I gave birth a month ago, and I’ve kept a few stretch marks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 671

You deserved it 2 663

By bkay26 - 29/08/2010 15:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like I hadn't seen anything, I asked if I could use a towel sitting on the dresser. My mom said, "No, we're going to need that one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 618

You deserved it 7 543

Get out while you still can

By Bullet dodged - 20/02/2021 00:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my fiancée called off our wedding out of the blue. After a long discussion about it, it turns out that last week I voiced an opinion about the wedding she didn’t agree with, and doesn’t want to spend her life married to someone who’s going to argue with her every five minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 122

You deserved it 121

By The Last One - 11/03/2012 06:39 - Canada

Today, in the locker room at work, someone tried writing "douche bag" on my locker, and misspelled it four times before apparently giving up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 731

You deserved it 2 222

By What. - 14/08/2013 00:08 - United States - Pawtucket

Today, my father bought a riding lawn mower. We don't have a lawn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 987

You deserved it 3 547

By Lea - 16/03/2010 13:31 - United States

Today, I dropped my car keys down the elevator shaft at my dorm. I had parked my car at a parking meter, and now had no way to get change out of my car. It took six hours for someone to get my keys, and I now have a $75 parking ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 378

You deserved it 4 867

The Final Countdown

By Anonymous - 22/10/2020 21:08 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, I found out that I have three weeks to get better at my shitty job before we start discussing my "future" with the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 835

You deserved it 321

By f*ck - 02/05/2012 16:22 - United States

Today, I had a date with the girl I've been interested in for months. I'm pretty laid-back and casual with my friends, which backfired and caused the date to end with a slap, when I greeted her with a friendly "S'up, slut?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 284

You deserved it 97 902

It's just a prank, bro

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my coworkers glued pairs of different sized googly eyes all over my office equipment, seconds before an important client arrived. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 249

You deserved it 4 200

Mean meanie

By yeah uh huh - 15/06/2021 21:00 - United States

Today, my stepmother, an uncontrolled diabetic who refuses to change her abhorrent eating habits, berated me for how "mean" I am for limiting my kids’ junk food, and making them eat a portion of vegetables with every meal. Yeah, real mean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 972

You deserved it 57

By Lexxiluvstwat - 15/05/2018 20:30

Today, I was written up at work and sent home 20 minutes into my shift. My boss thought I was under the influence of something, but it’s really just the first time I’ve come to work with no makeup on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 427

You deserved it 347

By Rachael - 01/07/2011 03:08 - United States

Today, as a part of my job, I took a couple around to look at houses that are on sale. After driving them around and looking at tons of houses, the wife said, "Okay. I think we have enough decorating ideas." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 003

You deserved it 2 898

By Anonymous - 10/12/2010 23:59 - United States

Today, while browsing YouTube, I looked at the section "Recommended for You." I saw a video titled "How to get a girlfriend." Even YouTube thinks I can't get one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 037

You deserved it 5 464

By thanks, dad... - 30/08/2013 17:24 - Romania - Baia Mare

Today, I was playing with my phone after midnight, and I kept getting calls from a withheld number. The guy just breathed heavily and wouldn't speak. When the third call came, I asked "who the hell are you?" The call ended, and my dad yelled from outside my door: "ME! Now go to sleep!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 061

You deserved it 14 432

By emeraldapostle - 25/11/2018 17:30

Today, I had a good day at work. I got all of my stuff done, I got to eat, and I got to clock out on time. It only became a bad day when I was told by my boss that today was my day off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 798

You deserved it 559

Thanksssss

By Mojosahomo - 10/01/2018 17:30 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, my cat decided to show me just how much he loves me by bringing a live snake into my bedroom. Thanks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 086

You deserved it 587

By damaged - 04/11/2015 03:24 - United States - La Verne

Today, I drove in heavy rain for the first time, by myself. I had been told to drive below the speed limit, and be extra careful of the cars around me. Nobody had told me about thunder scaring a cow that would then escape from the corral and hit my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 651

You deserved it 1 784

By JennaMarie - 26/07/2009 15:16 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my husband complaining about the way I look. His response, "Babe, if I cared about the way you looked I wouldnt have married you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 302

You deserved it 17 746

Who taught him

By Redbeard - 24/01/2020 05:00

Today, while we had my husband's boss over, my 3-year-old son decided to burst into the living room naked and yell, "Mum, look! Penis!" and wiggle it around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 113

You deserved it 345

By ManInTrouble - 16/03/2010 04:50 - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend of a year and a half on the beach. Everything was fine until she saw a plane with a banner behind it saying "Cassie, will you marry me?" She said yes. I didn't order a plane. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 594

You deserved it 4 507

Power grid

By Anonymous - 27/11/2021 19:01 - United States - Seagraves

Today, I was at the dentist's and she was hands deep in my mouth with a drill, when the power for the whole block shuts off. For 3 hours, the dentist had to keep shooting me up with shots to numb the horrible pain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 164

You deserved it 60

By mydadsawsooomuch - 17/11/2010 13:26 - United States

Today, in the wee hours of the morning I decided to make a naked dash to the bathroom, unfortunately, my dad decided to do the same thing at the exact same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 100

You deserved it 9 784

By Moody - 28/10/2009 19:14 - United States

Spicy

Today, I opened my personal laptop at a company meeting. I forgot that the battery died while watching a porno last night. It was ten seconds of slurping, spitting and gagging. It was my first day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 367

You deserved it 38 054

By Kwalker3 - 06/05/2012 06:39 - United States - Tracy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I was really close to climaxing, when he suddenly stopped, smirked, and said, "Hang on, I'm buffering." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 304

You deserved it 4 120

By apparentfatty - 11/11/2011 11:50 - Canada

Today, I found out that my husband thinks I'm fat when I caught him slipping diet pills into my morning smoothie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 250

You deserved it 7 111

Give it back

By aliixmaee - 09/08/2011 14:50 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me. She took everything, including the kidney I gave her a year ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 948

You deserved it 6 369

Scary

By Adan - 04/12/2012 21:34 - United States - Monroe

Today, my boss was telling everyone that he knew a guy who went to a college at which multiple people were shot and killed recently. Being extremely socially awkward and uncomfortable, I blurted, "That's awesome." Now everyone in the office is terrified of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 654

You deserved it 25 144

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Top comments

Dave_Davington 33

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Sunday 21 January 2018 6:50

If it's any consolation, he's if anything even more scarred by the whole situation than you are.

sadCowboysfan 20

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Sunday 21 January 2018 15:46

That must have been awful for all of you. Now that it’s happened, I guess you’ll be more on your toes to stop it from happening again

Comments

RichardPencil 30

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Sunday 21 January 2018 6:04

And he yelled, “You’re ripping off MY move! Why do you think Mom gets four pedicures a week?!?!”

Dave_Davington 33

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Sunday 21 January 2018 6:50

If it's any consolation, he's if anything even more scarred by the whole situation than you are.

BlueSteele220 31

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Sunday 21 January 2018 6:54

did you finish? it would be worse to be given a pearl necklace by your son..

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Sunday 21 January 2018 17:17

While looking dead in the eyes of his father.

azouwa 26

Sunday 21 January 2018 7:14

The sat part is.... I can relate. my mom once walked in on me and a bf skyping. FML/FYL

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Sunday 21 January 2018 7:30

thats horrible. Thank you for your service!

Cali 54

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Tuesday 23 January 2018 5:45

What service? Jacking off on Skype?

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Sunday 21 January 2018 8:02

This is without a doubt the funniest, cringiest thing I’ve read in weeks! I love it!

AdeenCuffing 12

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Sunday 21 January 2018 15:05

Oh my god.

sadCowboysfan 20

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Sunday 21 January 2018 15:46

That must have been awful for all of you. Now that it’s happened, I guess you’ll be more on your toes to stop it from happening again

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Sunday 21 January 2018 17:18

Funny you mentioned feet. I have a feeling you like them...

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Sunday 21 January 2018 15:54

F your dad's life for having seen that.

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Sunday 21 January 2018 20:02

I have nothing against gay people but I feel like this was between 2 guys

Kink Rat// ITS FUCKING OUT OF MY GOD 5

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Sunday 21 January 2018 20:22

no shit

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Sunday 21 January 2018 23:03

I don't think chicks refer to themselves masturbating as jerking off anyway

Rabite 28

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Monday 22 January 2018 18:13

What does this sentence even mean?

Nearly

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 3

Today, my girlfriend called off our plans to get married, all because I didn't “make enough time” while I was busy renovating the house for her parents to come over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 144

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 55

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 479

You deserved it 597