Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been... - FML

By Hard in flip flops - 21/1/2018 06:00

Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t Skyping my boyfriend, while both of us were totally naked. I had just told him to “put those toes in your mouth and I’ll cum like you’ve never seen before”. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5732

You deserved it

4558

Tweet

Share

Delayed proposal

Banished

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By Scarred for life - 13/3/2020 08:00

Frozen

Today, while volunteering at a senior care center, I witnessed a woman begin to remove her trousers. Then she began tearing apart her diaper. She then began to explore her body. I was unable to stop her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1494

You deserved it

123

Tweet

Share

By slavelaborsux - 29/8/2011 23:59 - United States

Today, it was my first day on the job as a first grade teacher. One student pushed another, so I asked him to apologize. His response? "If you boss me around, I'll tell Daddy you touched me somewhere you shouldn't have." I think I'm now this kid's slave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40576

You deserved it

3863

Tweet

Share

By no, don't save me or nothing - 4/8/2013 16:53 - Canada - Woodstock

Today, some aggressive asshole was tailgating me on my way home, bumping into me twice. I got scared and kicked my car into high gear and got out of there. Seconds later, a traffic cop came out of nowhere and pulled me over for speeding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46695

You deserved it

8835

Tweet

Share

By Gob - 16/1/2009 14:36 - United States

Today, while waiting for class, I let out a huge fart in front of everyone thinking no one would hear it over the music. I was wearing headphones. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11787

You deserved it

42491

Tweet

Share

By MerryChristmas - 15/7/2018 14:30 - United States - Moore

Today, I went to a Christmas-themed amusement park with my 21-year-old autistic sister who adores Christmas. She took her picture with Santa and started crying happy tears. Then Santa asked her loudly, "Aren't you beyond old enough to know I'm not real?" Vacation ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5485

You deserved it

285

Tweet

Share

By kkmirw - 14/10/2019 05:00

Pissed

Today, a colostomy bag exploded on me while I was waiting in line at the pharmacy. Yesterday, my shoes were peed on by a child while I was at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1698

You deserved it

88

Tweet

Share

By Lily - 2/9/2015 10:09 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my doctor informed me that the tests we've been doing the previous months show no sign of leukemia. I was just about to express my relief when he casually followed up with, "Never mind, there's still a lot of other blood-related diseases we need to look out for." FML

I agree, your life sucks

24798

You deserved it

1524

Tweet

Share

By fmlifer - 4/11/2011 04:29 - United States

Today, I went to kiss my girlfriend on the cheek at school. I missed, and walked away awkwardly. Later on, a teacher stopped me and told me how bad I failed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39401

You deserved it

9103

Tweet

Share

By Anonyme - 26/9/2014 06:56 - France - Saint-di

Today, my husband felt dishonoured: his darling little girl, the love of his life, whom he's always considered pure, turns out to be pregnant. He's now warned her: she's grounded and that whoever did this to her had better not come hanging round the house. Pussy, two years old, is now housebound until her kittens are born. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45764

You deserved it

6105

Tweet

Share

By shahman14 - 2/6/2019 00:02

Today, I started working at an extremely prestigious bank. In the first five minutes of being there, the boss had me do his laundry at a Laundromat, and when I actually tried to work, he kept showing me some magic tricks. Later on, he fired me for HIS mistake of giving an extra $400 to a customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2094

You deserved it

119

Tweet

Share

By gayvsgay - 6/3/2016 15:31 - Germany - V?lklingen

Today, my dad posted on Facebook, apologizing to anyone he'd texted the night before. He said he'd gotten wasted and didn't mean anything he said. So much for that first ever "I'm proud of you" then. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23708

You deserved it

1749

Tweet

Share

By motherlover - 5/8/2014 04:40 - United States - Hoffman Estates

Today, my boyfriend laid his head on my bare chest and said, "You're like my mother." FML

I agree, your life sucks

47147

You deserved it

4297

Tweet

Share

By bitchsawmebuyit - 8/12/2012 17:12 - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, I realized the dress I bought yesterday still had the security tag on. I returned to the store to get it removed, only to realize my receipt was misplaced. The lady at the counter thought I stole it, called security, and had me escorted out, dress-less. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32148

You deserved it

4536

Tweet

Share

By umm...no - 31/10/2016 14:33 - United States - Keller

Today, I answered a call from a customer. She expected me to exchange her item without her actually having to go to one of our 800+ stores. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9800

You deserved it

731

Tweet

Share

By ohcrap - 2/6/2011 10:05 - United States

Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16205

You deserved it

36256

Tweet

Share

By Dominique Richards - 20/2/2018 19:00

Today, I went to the dentist to get a tooth pulled. When I woke up I found out they pulled the wrong one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4668

You deserved it

215

Tweet

Share

By blind - 29/1/2011 11:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to see the "Cirque du Soleil" at the Albert Hall. It was amazing, apparently. Of course I wouldn't know, because I left my glasses at the hotel, and was sitting at the very back row. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13761

You deserved it

30357

Tweet

Share

By ElemTeacher - 2/1/2018 15:00

Today, a student's parent yelled at me because they had to pay for school equipment their son had stolen from my desk. Apparently, it's my fault because the item was just too tempting for him not to steal. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4590

You deserved it

244

Tweet

Share

By Thomas - 13/12/2009 06:46 - Canada

Today, I woke up to find my parents singing happy birthday with lots of hugs and kisses. My birthday is next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31620

You deserved it

2701

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/11/2012 10:00 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I arrived home after a hard day's work to see my 12-year-old sister had greased up my 8-year-old brother with butter and olive oil, and was attempting to slide him down the wooden floorboards in the hallway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24760

You deserved it

2405

Tweet

Share

By - 27/1/2017 22:00

Today, I found out I'm pregnant with my soon-to-be ex-husband's baby from the moment we agreed to have sex one last time together. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6623

You deserved it

8972

Tweet

Share

By roofer - 31/7/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I was working on a client's roof. Some neighborhood kids thought it would be hilarious if they knocked over my ladder. I was stuck on this roof in serious heat. I caught the attention of a pedestrian to come to my rescue. It was a little old lady. She gave me the finger and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54389

You deserved it

2586

Tweet

Share

By bcca - 13/2/2012 14:22 - United States

Today, my grandma sent me a Valentine's Day card. For years she's been hinting at me to lose weight. The card: a picture of cookies on the front and a gym membership inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24071

You deserved it

6302

Tweet

Share

By lovely321 - 2/4/2011 19:46 - United States

Today, I was giving a strip tease over Skype to my boyfriend. My mom walked in mid-way through, took a long look at me, said hi to my boyfriend, and walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18654

You deserved it

49899

Tweet

Share

By Fcuked - 23/3/2011 04:40 - New Zealand

Today, I annoyed my friend by texting him 'meow' over and over at random times of the day because when he's drunk he meows in his sleep. Apparently a great way to get back at me was to tell my parents I wasn't a virgin and that I got high on Wednesday. He had pictures to prove it for both. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25502

You deserved it

68389

Tweet

Share

By Colbasaur - 24/6/2010 14:29 - United States

Today, I won an academic award during an assembly. Everyone laughed, followed by booing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44266

You deserved it

4959

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/1/2012 16:58 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me, all because he's scared of my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33678

You deserved it

5649

Tweet

Share

By tylerlove361 - 11/2/2009 05:30 - United States

Today, I cut myself with child-proof scissors. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16021

You deserved it

33930

Tweet

Share

By Redhairchick - 6/11/2016 07:08

Today, I got severe diarrhea while out dancing with friends. On my way home, I got hit with the urge again. I couldn't find an open toilet and I had to resort to relieving myself in an alley. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9953

You deserved it

859

Tweet

Share

By gayboii - 19/3/2011 21:37 - United Kingdom

Today, while at a boring lecture, I heard some people behind me whispering and laughing. I turned around, wondering what was so funny, which made them laugh even more. I then realised it looked like I'd been giving my pen a blowjob for the last 10 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21899

You deserved it

35491

Tweet

Share

By EnglandRocks - 12/3/2015 18:03 - Switzerland - Bern

Today, it is the one-year anniversary of my mother's death. It's also the day my father chose to announce his engagement to the whole family. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40171

You deserved it

2740

Tweet

Share

By kikinemo - 16/1/2010 21:05 - United States

Today, I was telling my cousin about my boyfriend, who plays guitar and sings very well, has dark hair, and wears girl pants. After telling her these things, she's quiet for a moment before she looks at me and says, "So... You're dating a Jonas brother?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

10908

You deserved it

43522

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 10:27 - Australia - Box Hill South

Today, in thanks for my assistance, a customer recommended me a plastic surgeon who could "really help with that face." FML

I agree, your life sucks

30816

You deserved it

2524

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/1/2015 02:50 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I went to get a haircut. Who shows up not 5 minutes later to also get a haircut? My obnoxious, bully of a boss. She started chatting with me across the salon the entire time. There was no way to get out of the conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27995

You deserved it

2218

Tweet

Share

By unloved - 14/10/2010 22:10 - Australia

Today, it's my birthday, and the only person that called me was my boss. He wants me to cover his shift tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36365

You deserved it

3035

Tweet

Share

By shaggy - 30/8/2009 21:26 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend getting it on with the neighbour's daughter. As soon as he saw me, he started singing 'It Wasn't Me' by Shaggy, completely naked, still sitting with the girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

60785

You deserved it

4850

Tweet

Share

By SADlilAZN - 17/2/2009 05:04 - United States

Today, I made a couple videos of me playing guitar and singing some of my favorite songs. I arrived back from school to find my family huddled around the cam-corder laughing, imitating, and making jokes about the video. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35701

You deserved it

8587

Tweet

Share

By NoConfusion - 14/9/2014 12:53 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend told me that the necklace I gave her wasn't a "unique enough gift." I spent two weeks making that necklace, link by link. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48591

You deserved it

3328

Tweet

Share

By OhFseriously123 - 6/8/2009 10:05 - Italy

Today, I was having sex with a girl. She was really into it and not holding back on the noise...That is, until I received a text message from my little sister next door reading "If she is making that much noise, she is probably faking it...Trust me, I know." FML

I agree, your life sucks

72274

You deserved it

13553

Tweet

Share

By peter - 11/9/2009 04:33 - Indonesia

Today, it's my birthday. I'm a pastry chef by profession. Not only did my family buy a cake from my bakery, I had to make it myself and inscribe it with 'Happy Birthday Dad'. The worst part is, they asked money from me to pay for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47621

You deserved it

2967

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By OCD_NME | 17

#7588901 - Sunday 21 January 2018 6:40

I want to write a fml about reading this fml.

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7588903 - Sunday 21 January 2018 6:50

If it's any consolation, he's if anything even more scarred by the whole situation than you are.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7588898 - Sunday 21 January 2018 6:04

And he yelled, “You’re ripping off MY move! Why do you think Mom gets four pedicures a week?!?!”

By OCD_NME | 17

#7588901 - Sunday 21 January 2018 6:40

I want to write a fml about reading this fml.

Reply

Zazoo1995 | 23

#7589068 - Sunday 21 January 2018 17:48

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

thatslifeiguess7 | 15

#7589251 - Monday 22 January 2018 9:08

FML there's no men in black light thing to erase the memory of reading this

Reply

Rabite | 28

#7589426 - Monday 22 January 2018 18:10

It's really not that bad?!

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7588903 - Sunday 21 January 2018 6:50

If it's any consolation, he's if anything even more scarred by the whole situation than you are.

By BlueSteele220 | 30

#7588904 - Sunday 21 January 2018 6:54

did you finish? it would be worse to be given a pearl necklace by your son..

Reply

David Horgan | 8

#7589056 - Sunday 21 January 2018 17:17

While looking dead in the eyes of his father.

By azouwa | 26

#7588905 - Sunday 21 January 2018 7:14

The sat part is.... I can relate. my mom once walked in on me and a bf skyping. FML/FYL

By Rhonda Edgar | 2

#7588906 - Sunday 21 January 2018 7:30

thats horrible. Thank you for your service!

Reply

Cali | 54

#7589641 - Tuesday 23 January 2018 5:45

What service? Jacking off on Skype?

By manb91uk | 22

#7588908 - Sunday 21 January 2018 8:02

This is without a doubt the funniest, cringiest thing I’ve read in weeks! I love it!

By AdeenCuffing | 12

#7589007 - Sunday 21 January 2018 15:05

Oh my god.

By sadCowboysfan | 20

#7589023 - Sunday 21 January 2018 15:46

That must have been awful for all of you. Now that it’s happened, I guess you’ll be more on your toes to stop it from happening again

Reply

David Horgan | 8

#7589057 - Sunday 21 January 2018 17:18

Funny you mentioned feet. I have a feeling you like them...

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7589025 - Sunday 21 January 2018 15:54

F your dad's life for having seen that.