Intimacy: Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been... - FML

By Hard in flip flops

Today, my dad walked in on me jerking off. It wouldn’t have been so bad if I wasn’t Skyping my boyfriend, while both of us were totally naked. I had just told him to “put those toes in your mouth and I’ll cum like you’ve never seen before”. FML

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Proactive

Rock, hard place

Looks like we made it… Oh.

By jnisla - United States - Conway

Today, I had horrible morning sickness, but being starving, I had some canned soup. My husband soon came into the room and commented on how the leeks in the soup looked like chunks of vomit. The visual caused me to vomit all over the table. FML

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By rileycrash - United States

Today, I sent my boyfriend a well thought out, steamy, and sexy sext message. His reply? "Three bidders for my drums on eBay! Makiiin' Monaaaay!" FML

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By NotTheFavoriteChild

Today, I asked my mom if she wanted to go wedding dress shopping with me today. She reluctantly said, "I guess". I showered, shaved and did my hair and makeup. When I came downstairs, she hadn't even brushed her teeth yet. "I'm just lacking motivation to go," she said. Glad you're so excited too. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2020 02:00

Unrequited and stuck

Today, I'm crushing so hard on my male roommate that I've basically become a doormat for him. Meanwhile, he's on the phone for hours with the pretty girl he met over Tinder. I feel pathetic, stupid and jealous, which I have no right to be. Worst part, we're still quarantined together. FML

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By RyanM - Canada

Today, I realized how out of shape I am, when I couldn't finish masturbating because I ran out of breath. FML

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By mammamia - United States

Today, in a big argument, my sister uninvited my mom to her wedding. Trying to comfort my mom, I rented Mamma Mia knowing she's wanted to see it for a while. Turns out, Mamma Mia is a mother/daughter feel-good about the daughters wedding. I had no idea, and my mom cried the whole movie. FML

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By cclllc - United States - Weatherford

Today, my boyfriend and I broke up. He now argues that he should keep the dog. We only dated for three months, and I've had the dog since I was ten. FML

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By parenting fail - 20/9/2020 11:01 - United States

A teenage dream's so hard to beat…

Today, my stepdaughter proudly showed off her new tattoo. It says "Jace’s place" in sloppy script on her lower belly. She’s 15. Jace is a boy she’s been seeing for 3 months. She got the tattoo in "some guy’s garage." It happened during her weekend visit with her father. Hello teenage rebellion. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - G?teborg

Today, I had to pick my son up from school after he beat the crap out of another student. The words that made him go nuts were apparently, "You mad, bro?" FML

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By syco - United Kingdom

Today, the girl I like was panicking because her car broke down, so I offered her a lift to wherever she needed to be. I drove her to her boyfriend's house. She asked me to drive her home in the morning. FML

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By nomorexbox - United States

Today, I actually heard my 14 year old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Good catch

Today, my father came over to my house. I realized there were condoms on the table, so I subtly moved a vase to hide them. He then gave me an unamused look and said, "I know you have sex. You've been married for nine years. Grow the fuck up, dumbass." FML

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By counselor - United States

Today, I was working as a camp counselor helping a five year old girl. I heard her mumble, "My grandpa is getting married on Saturday." I enthusiastically replied and told her how exciting that was! Only after did I realize that she said 'buried'. FML

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By chronic

Today, I'm on opioids due to severe pelvic pain. Taking them makes me constipated and increases my pain, which leads to taking more painkillers. I can choose to be in agony and the possibility of pooping, or be in slightly less pain and completely bunged up. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Apeldoorn

Today, I unintentionally moaned during my prostate exam. FML

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By trixanne - Australia - Sydney

Today, anticipating another stressful day of work, I went to leave my house with a cluster of thoughts in my mind. It was only when I heard my front door lock behind me, my hand still resting on the handle, that I realised I had forgotten my house keys. FML

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By Sarah220 - United States

Today, I woke up to a pain on my eyelid. I stumbled into the bathroom to find a huge tick attached to the edge of my eyelid. My dad used tweezers to pull it off, only the head stuck. I had to go to the doctor and sit there for 15 minutes so she could pull the rest out. FML

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By PurpleSloth - United States - Tracy

Today, I realized that without my birth control pills, I would have no idea what day it is. FML

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By geeb - United States

Today, I had to confess to my mother that I was too hungover to take her to her AA meeting. FML

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By WhyIHateTeachers - United States - Ormond Beach

Today, I submitted a poem for my English class. I had fun writing it, so I wrote a second which was not nearly as good. My procrastinator of a friend never did his, so I gave him my extra poem. Mine was given a 75% while "his" received a 93%. FML

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He prefers the dog

Today, my boyfriend kicked me out of bed so the dog could get under the covers. FML

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By abbyleigh08 - United States

Today, I told my mom I want to try out for American Idol. She responded with, "You don't take disappointment well." FML

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By Anonymous - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, my wife paid a man with a fake crystal and an even faker accent to investigate the creakiness of our apartment complex floors. $300 later, she told me he'd found a "sinkhole of chi energy" and that the building may collapse if we don't pay him to disperse it. I want a divorce. FML

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By me - Canada

Today, my exchange student asked me for a ride to a party at a friend's house that I didn't know about. When I said, "Oh, just let me change", she replied, "I just need the ride, you're not invited." FML

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By rachel - United States

Today, my house got broken into for the third time. The nice police officer said that if I didn't want my house to keep being robbed I should, "Fix the place up so it doesn't look like a crummy vacant building." FML

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By ouch - United States - Livonia

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She was so angry, she stabbed me in the hand with a plastic fork. FML

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By Clumsy76

Today, I moved into a new downstairs flat. I promptly fell down said stairs. I have a broken pelvis now and can't walk or go down steps for 3 months. FML

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By MyDeliveriesCanWait

Today, I received the bubble wrap that I'd ordered. When I opened the box, almost every single bubble had been popped. At the bottom of the box, there was a sticky note that said, "Sorry." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my best friend, the man who I've been in love with for nine years, finally told me he loves me and wants to spend the rest of his life with me. Unfortunately, it was while he was using me to practice proposing to his girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Glendale

Today, I told my husband that I'm jealous of all the other girls whose husbands always take pictures of them together and post them online. He responded by posting a picture of himself, with me on the toilet in the background, captioned "The bitch on the pot." FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, the vibrator I ordered online was delivered. I'd paid extra to make sure it would be here before the weekend, so I could sneak it into my room while everyone was gone. My dad decided to stay home all day and answer the door ahead of me. FML

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By LonelyThisChristmas - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, my step-mum told me that the Christmas dinner she is cooking tomorrow will cost £25 a head. I laughed because I thought she was joking. She wasn't. Now I'm spending Christmas alone. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I asked my aunt to pluck my eyebrows since hers are perfectly done. What I didn't know is she gets hers professionally shaped and she doesn't know how to shape eyebrows. I now look like a surprised Vulcan. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to get a tattoo. I decided on getting my four month daughter's name tattooed on my upper arm. I went home to show my wife. She broke down and told me that I'm most likely not the father. It's a toss-up between her co-worker, the guy who does our lawn, several strangers and me. FML

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By N/A - 26/5/2020 02:00

Time is of the essence

Today, my job offer from a Fortune 500 company was canceled because of the coronavirus. This is the third time this year a job I passed interviews and tests for got canceled. I’m an international student who just graduated last week. I only have 90 days to find a job to stay in the US. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 08:00

He's a very naughty boy

Today, a Jehovah's Witness followed me around, talking about Jesus. My dad's a pastor. I hear this stuff all day, every day. FML

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By allykat - Canada - Brampton

Today, I bought my cat a fun toy at the one of a kind craft show. It has catnip in it, which he loves. He flipped out, so I took it away. He won't stop trying to break into the cupboard I put it in. My cat has a drug problem. FML

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By Saw - United Kingdom

Today, I was walking down the street, when a car started cruising alongside me. I looked over, annoyed, at which point the driver started screaming obscenities and telling me that I'm "gonna get it" for "betraying" him, before angrily speeding off. I'm too scared to even sleep now. FML

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By Honey Badger - United States

Today, I was at a meeting. One of the other members decided to share that their cat had passed away recently. I got an uncontrollable nervous laugh, started crying because I was laughing so hard, and left the room while everyone watched in horror. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to get to class at 9:00 to take a test. I woke up at 6:00, and figured I could wait a few minutes before getting ready. The next thing I knew, it was 10:30. FML

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Top comments

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7588903 - Sunday 21 January 2018 6:50

If it's any consolation, he's if anything even more scarred by the whole situation than you are.

By RichardPencil | 29

#7588898 - Sunday 21 January 2018 6:04

And he yelled, “You’re ripping off MY move! Why do you think Mom gets four pedicures a week?!?!”

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7588898 - Sunday 21 January 2018 6:04

And he yelled, “You’re ripping off MY move! Why do you think Mom gets four pedicures a week?!?!”

By Dave_Davington | 33

#7588903 - Sunday 21 January 2018 6:50

If it's any consolation, he's if anything even more scarred by the whole situation than you are.

By BlueSteele220 | 30

#7588904 - Sunday 21 January 2018 6:54

did you finish? it would be worse to be given a pearl necklace by your son..

Reply

David Horgan | 8

#7589056 - Sunday 21 January 2018 17:17

While looking dead in the eyes of his father.

By azouwa | 26

#7588905 - Sunday 21 January 2018 7:14

The sat part is.... I can relate. my mom once walked in on me and a bf skyping. FML/FYL

By Rhonda Edgar | 2

#7588906 - Sunday 21 January 2018 7:30

thats horrible. Thank you for your service!

Reply

Cali | 54

#7589641 - Tuesday 23 January 2018 5:45

What service? Jacking off on Skype?

By manb91uk | 22

#7588908 - Sunday 21 January 2018 8:02

This is without a doubt the funniest, cringiest thing I’ve read in weeks! I love it!

By AdeenCuffing | 12

#7589007 - Sunday 21 January 2018 15:05

Oh my god.

By sadCowboysfan | 20

#7589023 - Sunday 21 January 2018 15:46

That must have been awful for all of you. Now that it’s happened, I guess you’ll be more on your toes to stop it from happening again

Reply

David Horgan | 8

#7589057 - Sunday 21 January 2018 17:18

Funny you mentioned feet. I have a feeling you like them...

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7589025 - Sunday 21 January 2018 15:54

F your dad's life for having seen that.

By Nic1330 | 4

#7589098 - Sunday 21 January 2018 20:02

I have nothing against gay people but I feel like this was between 2 guys

Reply

Kink Rat// ITS FUCKING OUT OF MY GOD | 5

#7589108 - Sunday 21 January 2018 20:22

no shit

Reply

d34d4lus | 6

#7589179 - Sunday 21 January 2018 23:03

I don't think chicks refer to themselves masturbating as jerking off anyway

Reply

Rabite | 28

#7589428 - Monday 22 January 2018 18:13

What does this sentence even mean?