Miscellaneous: Today, I decided to light a candle in my room. Since fire intrigues... - FML

By Anonymous - 30/11/2011 03:13 - United States

Today, I decided to light a candle in my room. Since fire intrigues me, I put an old brochure into it. Paper burns fast, and now my carpet has a big, black burn mark. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 278

You deserved it 72 363

Best teeth in the game

Dementia or hate? You decide

Late term

By I Have Failed - 02/04/2014 20:10 - Spain - Madrid

Today, my 14-year-old son's pathetic rebellion came to a head. He ran away from home, leaving a note saying he hates me and was leaving forever to be part of a gang his friends had formed. He came back an hour later crying. His whole gang had gotten mugged, which he somehow blamed me for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 066

You deserved it 6 581

Practical

By Abused - 13/10/2010 08:36 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend used my love handles as ACTUAL love handles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 818

You deserved it 20 047

Hangry

By Broke as hell - 07/04/2020 23:00

Today, after being robbed last week, I had no money to go to the store for food. Instead, my dinner consisted of two Tums chewables in tropical fruit flavors. After not eating all day, I thought they actually tasted pretty good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 941

You deserved it 138

By misunderstood - 05/09/2010 10:56 - Australia

Spicy

Today, after having a fight with my boyfriend, we had what I thought to be the best make-up sex, because he seemed so happy and upbeat. Turns out he misunderstood. He was happy because he thought it was break-up sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 518

You deserved it 6 339

Suspicious minds

By Hugh - 03/04/2021 13:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to a hospital social worker that my young son is not abused, he is just rowdy and that he knocked himself unconscious and shattered 4 teeth in a bizarre stunt involving a tree, my ironing board, a mop bucket and lots of duct tape. I'm not sure the hospital believes me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 941

You deserved it 111

By depr3ssed - 31/01/2010 17:42 - United States

Today, I realized what all the women I've been with have in common: Craigslist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 534

You deserved it 29 426

Bad women's anatomy

By RazorBumps - 16/12/2009 05:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend asked me why I have "crotch acne". When I attempted to explain that I have razor bumps from shaving, he got mad and said I was lying and insecure about my obvious facial and bodily acne problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 933

You deserved it 3 474

By Lespoon - 25/02/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, my mom drove my family to the desert for a themed family photo. We had to wear big frumpy old western-looking clothes in 115 degree weather. Hot and agitated, I muttered, "This is the ugliest thing I've ever had to wear." My mom, looking hurt, replied, "That's my wedding dress." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 158

You deserved it 28 997

By emma209 - 24/01/2012 18:07 - Canada

Today, it's -20°C outside. Half way through my thirty minutes walk to work, my boss pulled up beside me in her car, said "You look cold. I'll see you at work." And then drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 403

You deserved it 3 220

By RiceCrispyTreats - 01/09/2015 16:46 - United States - Pelham

Today, I left my phone outside on the grass while I went inside to get a drink. I didn't expect my dad to run over it with the lawn mower. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 834

You deserved it 28 285

By annie - 14/10/2018 12:00

Today, my mother-in-law visited. She saw my 5-year-old son rip open a chip bag, causing chips go everywhere. She got up in his face and started screaming at him about how he has an "attitude problem". He doesn't, he's autistic and genuinely has trouble with food packaging. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 225

You deserved it 230

By Anonymous - 24/04/2015 16:27 - United States - San Jose

Today, I complimented a player in a game who protected my ass the whole match. As a joke, I told them to marry me. Turned out the person was a horny 40-something lesbian stalker who spent the next 5 hours sending me pictures and trying to find out where I live. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 223

You deserved it 6 232

By horriblejoke - 10/10/2012 15:05 - Australia - Perth

Today, I completely shaved my head as a gesture for my boyfriend's mother, who was suffering from cancer and having a terrible time undergoing chemotherapy. Turns out she doesn't even have cancer, and my boyfriend thought I wouldn't have the guts to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 602

You deserved it 5 470

By crucets - 06/10/2010 04:37 - United States

Today, I received a friend request on Facebook. I didn't know her, but she was cute, so I accepted the request. After looking at her pictures, I sent her a message saying "What's up cutie, do I know you?". She responded "Yes, I'm your cousin". FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 164

You deserved it 57 235

Early start

By KoNi - 21/11/2008 07:23 - France

Spicy

Today, my 14-year-old sister asked me how I felt when I first had sexual intercourse. I told her it was personal and was none of her business. She then looked at me and said, "I thought it was nice." I'm 19 and I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 178

You deserved it 6 424

By nomfuck - 09/09/2014 15:53 - United States - Fremont

Today, I overcame my debilitating seasickness long enough to have a shower and take a breath of fresh air on the cruise ship balcony. Then as a reward, a passing seagull shat on my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 505

You deserved it 3 161

By onehundredpercenteffed - 14/08/2009 01:46 - United States

Spicy

Today, my wife thought it would be fun to bring in one of her girlfriends for a threesome. Because of the friend, I now know what my wife sounds like when she's having a REAL orgasm. Five years and two kids into our marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 132

You deserved it 20 599

By Anonymous - 24/04/2018 15:00

Today, my son was expelled from school for bullying. The event in question took place off campus, during spring break, and was a friendly scuff. The iPhone video they used as evidence clearly showed the other boy laughing his head off and both of them sharing a coke afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 790

You deserved it 404

By Deadcat101 - 10/07/2012 23:26 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my unemployed mother decided to yet again stay home and drink heavily. So far she's kicked me out of the house, tipped over our sofa and thrown her vibrator out the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 973

You deserved it 1 924

By Anonymous - 16/01/2011 05:20 - United States

Today, I'm 19 years old and, having never been on a date, I agreed to let my friend set me up. He was adorable, young, with blond hair and blue eyes...and 4 years old. My friend tricked me into babysitting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 335

You deserved it 4 605

Suspicious Minds

By Anonymous - 29/04/2021 20:08

Today, I found out that my parents have always believed that every single time I have ever showed emotion, I was faking it and that I'm actually a sociopath with no feelings. I was kicked out of the theater department at my college for my poor acting skills, and they know it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 857

You deserved it 63

By just socially awkward - 16/11/2018 12:00

Today, despite the carriage being entirely empty, a large man chose to sit right beside me on the train. After making me uncomfortable with personal questions, he asked if we could be friends and hang out, both of which I shyly declined. He then accused me of being a racist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 019

You deserved it 192

By CJ - 12/08/2016 01:02 - Canada - Lethbridge

Today, I was looking for a moustache comb, couldn't find it anywhere. Then I noticed it in a basket by the toilet with scissors. My wife's been using it to trim her pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 117

You deserved it 2 289

By hannamacintosh - 28/06/2016 17:30 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I knew my relationship was basically over when my boyfriend invited me over, and I was more excited about seeing his dog than seeing him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 670

You deserved it 1 562

By "Geric Brawner" - 12/05/2017 22:00

Today, my car broke down in traffic. It's okay though, everyone honked in support while I moved my vehicle from the busy intersection. Only the third time this month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 575

You deserved it 994

By Anonymous - 19/05/2019 00:05

Today, I was seeing my boyfriend for the first time in 3 weeks. I was so excited to see him that I gave him a big hug. He must have been excited to see me too, because he hugged me so tight that he squeezed a fart out of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 895

You deserved it 243

By jerkgirl - 08/04/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, while getting my hair done, I was annoyed that the beautician was not paying attention while straightening my hair. After asking her three times to watch what she was doing, I grabbed the iron and said "let me do it, you're going to burn me!". I then burned two layers of skin off my ear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 720

You deserved it 113 062

Olympic kerfuffle

By Stace - 29/07/2021 16:01 - United States - Birmingham

Today, my dad went on a rant about the US Olympics gymnastics team, claiming that it was a disgrace that someone dropped out, and that it was disrespecting "our flag". He's never watched the Olympic games ever, not to mention any gymnastics. FML

I agree, your life sucks 875

You deserved it 107

Getting on

By Anonymous - 11/06/2021 05:59

Today, after much measuring with a tape measure, comparing with my sisters and even asking my husband for his opinion, I'm forced to admit that without a bra on, my boobs now sag so much my nipples hang down to the level of my belly button. FML

I agree, your life sucks 867

You deserved it 100

By Kwalker3 - 06/05/2012 06:39 - United States - Tracy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I was really close to climaxing, when he suddenly stopped, smirked, and said, "Hang on, I'm buffering." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 287

You deserved it 4 120

By Anonymous - 09/07/2018 15:00

Today, my stepson objected to being woken up at almost dinner time. He knows I have PTSD from my 2 tours of duty, so he turned his speakers way up and blasted the sounds of gunfire through the whole house. I hyperventilated and passed out. Little bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 191

You deserved it 343

By Anonymous - 28/01/2014 21:57 - Bahrain - Manama

Today, my daughter hugged me around the neck and whispered, "I'm going to cut your head off." I'm afraid to go to sleep now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 644

You deserved it 5 740

By Anonymous - 31/12/2009 08:06 - United States

Today, I was at work and I had to take a dump. Since I was the only person in the bathroom, I started singing, "I'm taking a poopy-poop poop poop poop." I was not the only person in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 279

You deserved it 64 251

By Creepedout - 19/11/2015 03:26 - United States - Wilson

Today, an obese man decided it was okay to share a urinal with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 591

You deserved it 1 645

By Santa - 25/12/2014 03:01 - United States - Cocoa

Today, my 8-year-old daughter was throwing a tantrum, and I said "Keep this up and I'll tell Santa to take your presents back." She told me I don't even know Santa, at which point I accidentally blurted that I'm "Santa". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 493

You deserved it 13 378

By awskme - 09/01/2010 00:36 - France

Spicy

Today, I was having passionate sex with my girlfiend of nine months. She's making a lot of noise so I tell her to keep it down and remind her my parents and sister downstairs. A few minutes later I get a text from my sister saying my parents want to make sure I'm wearing a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 638

You deserved it 28 301

By Anonymous - 30/09/2013 16:23 - United States - Mulino

Today, while I was pet-sitting for my boyfriend's parents, one of their dogs killed one of their kittens. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 457

You deserved it 5 468

Healthy relationship goals

By leapfrog998 - 05/08/2021 14:01 - Canada - Bancroft

Today, my husband told me to stop being friends with my best guy friend because I won't let him hang out with his ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 458

You deserved it 858

Stalker vibes

By nerdychick - 16/02/2011 01:34 - United States

Today, I printed out a picture of the popular girl in school as a sort of 'model' for how I wanted my hair cut. The hairdresser taped the picture to the mirror so he could see. Halfway through, my 'model' came in for an appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 980

You deserved it 22 235

By Vac - 05/04/2009 14:12 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. They informed me they were lawyers throughout the meal, which explained the gorgeous house. My boyfriend excitedly told them I was promoted manager at my job. They asked where I work. I work at Burger King. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 497

You deserved it 8 703

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Top comments

boycrazy30007 12

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:31

I get being a pyro, but there is no excuse for being an idiot

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:29

I really hate to say this, but you definitely deserved it.

Comments

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:29

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

mamamiaaa_fml 12

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:34

Luck had nothing to do with it. OP's an idiot.

briandunlikelmo 0

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:35

only YOU can prevent fires!

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:36

I know. That usually never happens to me.

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:46

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:54

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:55

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 11:19

Lol best observation of the day "paper burns fast" no fucking shit Sherlock. YDI dumbass smh

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 15:27

Just make sure you don't wet the bed

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 16:29

Who isn't intrigued by fire?

katt_is_here 24

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 21:00

Maybe fire is like magic to someone from Kentucky. Just in case you are wondering, sticking a fork in the outlet can shock you, showering with a blow dryer is a bad idea, and don't eat the packets that come with stereo equipment. Oh wait...do all those things. We need to get rid of stupid people not preserve them. We don't want them to breed.

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Thursday 1 December 2011 5:59

Ok soooo you havent met smokey yet have you???

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:29

I really hate to say this, but you definitely deserved it.

iam_yummylicious 12

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:43

Why do you hate to say it? I will glefully admit that I think this guy is a moron and the he deserves it.

Mister_Triangle 21

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:58

I voted for both; he deserves it for being reckless, but it sucks that the was betrayed by the fire he thought was his friend.

QuisMysterium 4

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 9:06

There's a reason paper is used as kindling or tinder.

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 10:55

OP is a chick. Just saying. There are a few that just assume some dumbass pyro must be a guy. My turnons: A sense of humor, a nice rack, a girl that enjoys fire as much as me, short walks on the beach followed by long $*%#s on the beach. Turnoffs: Idiots (including people that almost start their house on fire), and uglies.

iamaleccarlson 0

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 14:47

Pyrooo

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 15:14

69 You must be your own turn off.

amanda_say_whutt 9

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 15:42

69- I'm pretty sure nobody cares what your turnson and turnoffs are. Just saying.

tjv3 10

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Thursday 1 December 2011 1:37

OP you are an idiot PLEASE never NEVER ever breed

iam_yummylicious 12

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Thursday 1 December 2011 5:21

Gleefully * - Wow, no one has pointed out my typo? Wow, just wow. Haha.

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Thursday 1 December 2011 5:42

Only someone from Kentucky.. Hey people from Kentucky don't admit to stupid shit you deserve!????

maz255 10

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Thursday 1 December 2011 8:27

69 this is isnt a dating site, stop telling everyone your turn ons 'cause no one cares.

your_impressive 9

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Monday 19 December 2011 8:37

dumb.ass.

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:30

Not surprised this fml is from Kentucky.

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:32

Damn, you took the words right out of my mouth.

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:51

Must of been while he was kissing you

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:58

Because Kentucky is clearly home of all pyromaniacs. What does kentucky have to do with anything?

Mister_Triangle 21

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 9:00

Yeah, I'm not sure what Kentucky ever did to bring about your wrath. Last time checked, they never raced burning horses

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 9:16

Yet hehe

HappyPanda2016 14

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 12:30

I live in Kentucky & I don't randomly light shit on fire..

amanda_say_whutt 9

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 15:45

Kentucky is actually a very nice place to live, despite the stereotypes of Kentucky being full of hillbillies.

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 19:03

I'm not surprised it's an American!

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 21:36

Im from Kentucky, I like it here :)

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Thursday 1 December 2011 2:54

I'm not surprised you're trolling like an ignorant douchebag!

random_ribbons 15

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:30

How on earth did you think that would be a good idea?

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 12:37

Thinking played no part in this whatsoever by the looks... Op is a deadset moron

boycrazy30007 12

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:31

I get being a pyro, but there is no excuse for being an idiot

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 12:09

Win!

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Friday 2 December 2011 6:25

Pyro Life Cycle 1. Learn to light matches or lighters 2. Almost kill yourself 3. Learn respect of fire 4. Move to Norfolk and join the locals in fire worship.

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:32

Do 3rd degree burns intrigue you too?

twilight_lupus 13

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:35

The possibility of being homeless due to her house burning down must also intrigue her.

booklover428 19

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:33

Pyro.....

Mister_Triangle 21

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 9:02

You day that like it's a bad thing; who else is going to spy-check around the sentries?

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 13:30

Say*

maz255 10

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Thursday 1 December 2011 8:29

Sandwhich...

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:33

How couldn't you see that one coming...

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:33

I wish there was an FML That no one Opts for Your Life Sucks.

KyuuketsukiApple 30

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 9:52

I wish there were comments Without Awkward Random capitalisation.

blackwidowtaco 31

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Thursday 22 August 2013 5:34

Capitalization*

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Wednesday 30 November 2011 8:35

maybe you shouldn't do that next time...

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 17

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 529

You deserved it 104

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 255

You deserved it 92