Today, I found a box of birthday candles sitting on the coffee... - FML

By Anonymous - 4/5/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, I found a box of birthday candles sitting on the coffee table. Bored, I lit one, and after a minute I threw it away and sat back down on the couch. I started looking at the box and noticed that it said "Magic Re-Lighting Candles" at the exact moment that my trash can burst into flames. FML

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They're everywhere

No justice

Risky business

By alynn - 29/5/2009 13:59 - United States

Today, I moved out of my apartment and thought it would be nice to leave the roll of toilet paper in the bathroom for the next tenant. I later got a notice from the management that I was being charged $50 for leaving behind "personal items." FML

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By obnum - 24/5/2013 12:26 - United States - New York

Today, after months of being pestered to do so, I finally read the first Harry Potter book. I hated it. Upon hearing this, my girlfriend posted the fact on Facebook, where I immediately received tons of abuse and eventual shunning by my friends, family, and coworkers. My girlfriend just laughed. FML

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By hairless - 30/7/2010 06:45 - Australia

Today, I got a XXX wax, because my boyfriend wouldn't go down on me as he didn't like the hair. Now he won't sleep with me at all because I look like a child with no pubic hair, and he "feels like a pedophile." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2015 12:27 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I started having chest pains and shortness of breath. I thought I was having a heart attack and I asked my husband to take me to the hospital. He told me to wait because he'd just ordered a pizza. FML

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By ipodless - 13/10/2011 00:47 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I asked everyone for iTunes money, pleased to finally be able to buy some new songs for my iPod. After receiving several gift cards, I discovered that my iPod had been stolen. FML

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By kinlin - 2/6/2018 19:00

Today, an attractive woman looked in my direction and smiled. My wife saw this and stomped on my foot, and I screamed like a little girl from the pain. People turned and stared. FML

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By doggylove - 13/11/2015 03:57 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I realized my boyfriend's dog is more excited to see me than he is. FML

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By Drew - 5/8/2010 05:18 - United States

Today, I discovered that my mom is having an affair... with her cousin. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2020 02:02

Helping hand

Today, its been so long since I've been single, I’ve reached the age where I need Viagra just to masturbate since there’s no woman in my life to save the pills for. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/3/2013 10:30 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I spent three hours painstakingly installing and configuring some parental control software on my 11-year-old son's laptop after I caught him watching porn. Barely an hour after returning the laptop, I caught him watching yet more porn on it. FML

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By haayloo - 19/10/2010 02:40 - Canada

Today, I had just finished re-completing all my assignments because I had lost my USB last week. I reached into my pocket for gum, instead I found the USB that I had apparently lost. I spent my weekend alone rather than spending time with my friends. I don't have another weekend off for a month. FML

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By awkwardmandy - 11/3/2016 18:28 - United States - Okeene

Today, my ex-boyfriend decided to humiliate me by confessing to my dad in detail what he and I had done together and "apologizing" for taking my virginity. FML

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By difference between birds and mammals. - 3/9/2012 00:10 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were watching TV and there were penguins laying eggs. He said, "Penguins are mammals, they don't lay eggs." I replied, "Penguins are birds." We fought about it for ages until he realised that I was right, and has since stopped talking to me. FML

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By ohai95 - 8/8/2012 00:11 - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, I came out to my parents. I don't really fit any stereotype, I'm just an average guy who happens to be into guys. Ten minutes later, I overheard my mother say to my step-dad, "Should we redecorate his room pink?" FML

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By Partyofthree - 6/6/2017 00:00

Today, I work at a private pool where I can get up to six people in for free. Naturally, I invited my crush. She brought her boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2019 02:00

Today, my mother told me she's planning on taking the next two weeks "off". She is unemployed and on disability, and spends her days on the couch watching Netflix. Off from what? FML

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By music man - 25/2/2012 00:50 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend of two years that I love her. She replied, "Um, I don't mean to be rude, but can you just shut up?" FML

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By Anonymous - 7/6/2019 20:00

Today, I had to go pick up my mother at 3 in the morning. She had been out drinking and couldn't drive. She parties more than I do. FML

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By mel - 30/8/2009 15:23 - United States

Today, I had a stressful day at work and decided to go in the jacuzzi. I hadn't used it for a year, so it was a little dirty. After I cleaned it, filled it up, and jumped in, I pressed the jets. Immediately, thousands of dead moths shot out at full speed towards me. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 23:36 - United States

Today, I talked to my boss about scheduling my urgently needed surgery. She asked me to wait until after Christmas, and told me that I should use vacation time instead of sick leave. She's also not going to give me the total paid time off my contract specifies, because it's "inconvenient." FML

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By 6boss - 3/11/2010 05:00 - France

Today, in art class, everybody was showing the paintings that we have been working on for weeks. Everyone was cheering and clapping. When mine came up, nobody clapped. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2018 12:00

Today, a guy asked for hot fries at the drive thru. After receiving the fries, he threw them at the drive thru window, complained that they were too hot, and asked for the manager for burning his mouth. I am the manager. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2019 18:00

Today, I posted that I'm having a yard sale and listed a bunch of stuff I'm selling. People started messaging, asking me to send pictures and prices. That's why I'm having the yard sale, so I don't have to post pictures and prices! FML

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By GetOutOfMyHouseLoser - 8/12/2013 23:44 - United States

Today, my unemployed scumbag boyfriend sold a painting I had just bought so he could buy phoney drugs that he told me he had quit. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, I was riding my bike and stopped at a street light. A little girl looked at me, then asked her mother, "Mommy, why does that girl have a ring through her nose?" Her mother then replied, "Because her parents don't love her." FML

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By why me?? - 7/8/2013 04:21 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was leaving my friends' apartment in my mom's car and I backed into a fire hydrant. I lied and told my mom it was a hit and run. So she called the apartment complex. They had me on video hitting the fire hydrant. FML

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By Forgotten - 6/9/2009 07:26 - United States

Today, I decided to visit my dad. I haven't seen him in a while so I wanted to give him another chance to be an actual dad to me. Apparently, getting drunk and getting it on with his girlfriend while I was there was more important than spending time with his daughter, who he hasn't seen in almost a year. FML

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By what the fuck?! - 2/12/2018 20:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I called my husband's mistress to confront her. Her husband answered and immediately began hitting on me. He asked what was taking me so long to join their circle and if I was as into dp as his wife is. I don’t know whether to vomit from rage or disgust. FML

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By ohdear - 3/1/2010 18:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I witnessed my drunk grandmother attempting the Single Ladies dance, complete with hip gyrations and ass slapping. FML

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By - 27/3/2019 06:00 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, like everyday, I have to ignore the mould in the bathroom, cat shit stuck to the dining room floor, and dirty dishes in the kitchen courtesy of my never-cleaning sister, but today she bitched at me for being gross and unhygenic for double dipping the ice-cream tub, and everyone agreed. FML

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By Bulldogs09 - 1/7/2009 04:41 - France

Today, I finally hooked up with the boy of my dreams at a party. Later, while on aim, I noticed one of his friends away messages was a quote from the guy's screen name, which said "I can't believe what I stick my d... In sometimes." FML

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By Tourist - 26/3/2009 07:19 - United States

Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2019 22:00 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, the maintenance man for my apartment “fixed” my toilet from constantly running. Now it won’t flush. I learned this after I took a huge dump. My boyfriend was over to spend the night. FML

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By loser doctor - 2/1/2009 11:14 - Philippines

Today, I found out the girl I was in love with has a new boyfriend. I blame myself because I believed her when she said she "wasn't ready" for a relationship. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2011 15:06 - United States

Today, I was taking a crap in a public stall when three kids broke down the door and pelted me with eggs. FML

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By chuchie - 12/6/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my 5 month old nephew who hasn't pooped in 2 days according to his mom. Well, he pooped. I accidentally stuck my finger in it. While I was wiping my finger off, he rolls over and pees on my new carpet. I roll him over to clean the pee and he opened fire and pooped again. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2010 19:22 - Chile

Today, I finally quit my job after talking with a friend about making our own design/multimedia company. While I was on my way to his house, he called me and told me not to quit because he got an awesome job offer and couldn't refuse. FML

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By skmusic - 9/4/2009 05:04 - Canada

Today, the phone rang so I went to answer it. No one was there. A minute later the phone rang again and no one answered so I assumed it was a telemarketer or a prank so I started swearing uncontrollably in rage. Turns out it was my crush calling to ask me out, but she was too nervous to ask. FML

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By AlwaysTired - 14/9/2016 14:57 - United States

Today, marks the third time this month my parents came to visit. I moved 5 hours away to get away from them. FML

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By engaged - 29/3/2009 14:03 - United States

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend in the food court at the mall. When she said "yes", the entire food court broke out in applause, and my girlfriend and I were escorted out of the mall for "starting a riot". I never knew clapping was a crime. FML

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Top comments

By wordly | 0

#169234 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 0:52

Win :D Those candles are awesome.

By greasy_broad | 0

#169306 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 1:03

I don't understand why someone would invent a flammable object that can't be put out.

COMMENTS

By wordly | 0

#169234 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 0:52

Win :D Those candles are awesome.

Reply

xander2347 | 0

#986243 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 7:48

fake

Reply

hunterluv1 | 20

#1580033 - Thursday 21 October 2010 6:21

140? what do you mean fake?

Reply

mydgmax | 0

#2205551 - Saturday 19 March 2011 17:28

haha I've had those candles for my bday. me and my 5 friends helped me blow all these candles so many times. it was fun n unexpected

Reply

I_lost_the_game | 25

#4142152 - Saturday 10 March 2012 1:02

I can imagine this happening

By affa99 | 0

#169239 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 0:52

lol noob

By Morokea | 0

#169242 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 0:53

Probably should've made sure it was completely out before tossing it... ouch.

Reply

lxclark | 17

#971529 - Wednesday 31 March 2010 2:53

These candles go out, then re-ignite after a few seconds XD
OP had no way of knowing (besides reading the box)

---> I just bought some of them :O

Reply

TheBitchOfChuckN | 7

#4779348 - Monday 6 August 2012 13:08

I dont think you understand the concept of "re-lighting candles".

By FBIWarning | 0

#169245 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 0:53

nice one

By mouseintern | 0

#169246 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 0:53

You deserved it, but the mental image I got made my day. Thanks!

By 88bellydancer | 0

#169250 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 0:53

haha too funny!

By daisydukeduchess | 0

#169255 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 0:54

lol
epic fail!!!!!!!

By ILoveJace01 | 0

#169260 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 0:54

Lol!!! Wow. Be more careful next time.

By kkiwib | 0

#169265 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 0:55

i hope u put the fire out!

Reply

18drakerad | 18

#6340473 - Sunday 5 July 2015 2:17

As apposed to what? Letting it burn his house down?

By MsSippi | 0

#169275 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 0:58

who lights birthday candles when they are bored? it doesn't sound very entertaining. but considering your post, i guess it could be highly entertaining.