Miscellaneous: Today, while moving my wax burner away from the window, I spilled...

By SpontaneousAM - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, while moving my wax burner away from the window, I spilled hot wax all over my hands, the wall, and in my electric fireplace. FML

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Miscellaneous

Dangling modifier

Mixed signals

Deadbeat

By Benchthewarmer - United States

Today, I had a basketball game against our rivals. Since the starting guard had a broken ankle, I felt happy that I could finally get playing time and prove that I'm good. Instead I had to run the scoreboard for the game, because the scoreboard guy was absent. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working in my pharmacy, a patient told me that he sometimes wants to jump the counter and skin me alive. He has no more refills, and his doctor is out of town for the week. FML

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By JudasThePriest - United States - Greensboro

Today, while delivering pizzas, someone ordered $19.41 in pizza and wings. After finally finding her appartment, she paid me in two sandwich bags full of pennies and nickels. I had to count them out before giving her the pizza. We aren't allowed to enter the residence, and it was 22 degrees. FML

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By squirrel - United States

Today, I was wearing a shirt that had a picture of a squirrel and acorns with a caption reading "Protect Your Nuts". My dad walked up to me, read my shirt, then punched me in the balls. FML

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By ilovemom - United States

Today, holding my newborn baby and yearning for some affection from my mother, I asked my mom what the best day of her life was, hoping she would say the day I was born. Her answer? "The day you moved out." She was serious. FML

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By conductingfromthegrave - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out, and about to have sex, when she asked me to "do that thing we did yesterday". We haven't had sex in 6 days. FML

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By Twitchy - Bahamas

Today, I watched a cat pounce on a small bird and rip it to shreds, feather by feather. It wouldn't have been any worse than mildly disturbing, had I not just spent the last 4 weeks nursing the bird back to health from a broken wing. FML

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By dumbfounded - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had to calm down an angry customer who claimed one of my employees had "traumatized" her dog. Apparently her dog is really OCD and my employee didn't line up the dog bed at the right angle. She threatened to report us to the BBB. How do these morons even exist? FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2020 06:02 - United States - Roy

Make the day about me!

Today, at my wedding, my grandmother special requested a wheelchair, even though she doesn’t and never has needed any kind of assistance walking or standing at all. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I searched myself on Facebook. I have a fan page made by some girl in Wisconsin. She has pictures of me on it. Can you say stalker? FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend went and bought Skyrim, Modern Warfare 3 and renewed his WoW subscription. Looks like I won't be getting laid for a month or two. FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Aarhus

Today, I saw a homeless guy in the street. It really upset me how everyone's spirit of giving vanished as soon as Christmas was over, so I said fuck it and gave him about $50 worth of money. I barely made it 10 feet away, when another guy mugged him for the money I just gave. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago Ridge

Today, a girl from my college, who's been following me around for months, finally asked me out. Not being interested, I politely declined. Now she's convinced everyone that we hooked up and that I have an incredibly small penis. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my father decided to tell me in detail when and how he lost his virginity. He even told me what position it was and who this girl was. I will never look at him in the same way again. He also made his hands "have sex". FML

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By Pelly - Belgium - Kasterlee

Today, my grandma told everyone I'm using steroids and amphetamines, all because she mistook my protein powder and vitamin pills for drugs. FML

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By octoberrain - United States

Today, my upstairs neighbor was leaving the parking lot, and stopped to wave. I smiled and waved back, only to realize that she was saying goodbye to her cat, who was sitting in the window. FML

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By kaitlyna15 - United States - Bellevue

Today, while life-guarding, I had to explain to teenage boys that shoving objects up each others' butts and complaining that someone was giving them anal was inappropriate at a family facility in front of kids under the age of 10. FML

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27875

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By Brookie Bear

Today, I received a Saturday detention because the assignment I'd handed in had different handwriting. I've been practicing my handwriting skills for the past month. FML

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4995

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By sleekRelease

Today, I was expecting an important delivery for a party I'm having tonight. I was in the shower when the doorbell rang. In my haste, I slipped and ended up with a bunch of little cuts and bruises. Turns out, it was someone trying to leave a note saying it would be delivered tomorrow. FML

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By LibraryPedo - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I was yelled at and called a pedophile by a mom for talking to her 5 year old girl. I work at a library and she looked like she needed help. This is the third time it has happened. FML

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By bluewinter - United Kingdom

Today, I went to my best friend's birthday party. After about 15 minutes, I noticed a girl, possibly one of his sister's friends, wearing the same shirt as me. I am a 23 year old bloke. She didn't look a day over 14. FML

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By leem - Belgium - Zoersel

Today, as I was driving out of a parking lot, some douchebag yelled at me: "Nice car! Too bad you're so ugly!" It was my friend's car, so I don't even have that going for me. FML

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By robertsonjimmy - United States

Today, I let my new puppy outside for the first time. When I went to get him, I saw a man running off with him. FML

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50512

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my step-mom asked if I was having some eating issues. I admitted that maybe I've picked up some bad habits from friends and school. Now she won't stop bombarding me with self-help books and therapy websites. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was prescribed medicine for anxiety. Without it, my stomach churns all day. With it, I shake uncontrollably and my eyes twitch. Now I have to choose between diarrhea and rude stares from people in public. FML

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By momma - Canada - Toronto

Today, while getting ready to welcome my first child into the world, my father in law decided to "help out" and threw out a bunch of papers I needed. Like my child's application for a health card, social insurance number, and my birth plan, as well as instructions from my doctor. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 10:01

Bonjour!

Today, in a job interview I confirmed I could speak French, as I lived in France for 6 years and became fluent, but I was so nervous that when my interviewer started speaking French, I froze up and the entire French language exited my brain like it was escaping a fire. I was kicked out for lying. FML

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1315

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219

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By Sully - United States

Today, I was having sex and wanted to move to the wall, so I picked her up, got my foot stuck in my blanket, and dropped her on the floor. FML

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11643

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By need2eat - United States

Today, I saw my parents for the first time in 11 weeks. They commented on how much weight I lost. I told how due to stress, I hadn't been able to eat anything for the past two weeks and I was basically unintentionally starving myself. They told me to keep it up. FML

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By anonymus - Canada - Toronto

Today, my grandmother was driving me to the mall. Suddenly, she stopped in the middle of the road. When I asked her what exactly she was doing, she said, "Oh, am I driving?" FML

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31098

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By frankkathy - United States

Today, I saved a honey bee from drowning in our pool. It promptly stung me and died. FML

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34312

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By Anonymous - 11/10/2020 15:02 - Estonia

I don't wanna

Today my mother, who was once shocked to realise that my older sister was having unmarried sex, told me to go and 'get some' because it's good for my health. I'm asexual. FML

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1001

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302

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By musicman2005 - United States

Today, I was at work, about to go to lunch. There were some girl scouts out front selling cookies. I told my manager that I would be using a different exit, and when he asked why, I told him that girl scouts really annoy the crap out of me. The girl scouts out front were his daughters. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Remus

Today, my sister brought me coffee to my office. It was really nice so I made a status about it on Facebook. My boyfriend texted me soon after, freaking out because I never put anything on Facebook about him and how great he is. I'm basically dating a 14-year-old girl. FML

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44408

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By - 6/2/2020 18:00

Yes or No?

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said yes, but the ring turned out to be quite tight on her finger. She then chewed me out, saying that I can't do anything right, then changed her answer to no. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2763

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290

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By massachusettsan - United States - Monomoy Island

Guitar Porn

Today, I got the same feeling in my chest when I orgasmed as when I hit a hard section in Guitar Hero. FML

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44467

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 20:00

Let me in!

Today, I was turned away from a private event by security for being a girl. My name is Max; the name on the guest list was Max, but the security meathead insisted Max can only be a man's name and threw me out of the building. I was the event's key lecturer, and without me the event was cancelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2036

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I witnessed my dad wake himself from a nap with his own fart and start panicking in confusion. I guess I shouldn't have broken down laughing, because he demanded to know what I did to him. He didn't believe the truth and bitched me out for screwing around. FML

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24435

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By Username - France

Today, the guy that I have been seeing for over a year left on a business trip. While straightening out his room as a favor, I noticed he took his condoms with him. FML

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31808

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By kissrocks4 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I got whiplash from sneezing. FML

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Top comments

By ashilyy24 | 8

#7439512 - Saturday 15 April 2017 20:58

YDI for moving it while it's hot.

By C8H18 | 33

#7439536 - Saturday 15 April 2017 21:56

What possessed you to think it was a good idea to move it while it was hot?

COMMENTS

By ashilyy24 | 8

#7439512 - Saturday 15 April 2017 20:58

YDI for moving it while it's hot.

By C8H18 | 33

#7439536 - Saturday 15 April 2017 21:56

What possessed you to think it was a good idea to move it while it was hot?

By TellyJ34 | 10

#7439677 - Sunday 16 April 2017 3:41

I bet it's going to smell quite nice for a while

By Mae342 | 25

#7439689 - Sunday 16 April 2017 4:56

paper towel and a clothes iron will get it out?

By Stiggy626 | 25

#7533711 - Friday 25 August 2017 10:52

ever think about turning it off before you try and move it, stupid?