Miscellaneous: Today, I borrowed a roommate's car to get groceries. I came out...

By SenescentSouthernBoy - 17/08/2009 08:42 - United States

Today, I borrowed a roommate's car to get groceries. I came out to find the car stolen. I called the cops, and the responding officer took the info and drove me home to give the roomie the bad news in person. 15 minutes later, they found the car. I'd parked it on the opposite side of the lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 463

You deserved it 60 673

Miscellaneous

Age difference

Triage

The smell detective is on the case

By Anonymous - 31/07/2012 16:17 - United States - Hudsonville

Today, a girl told me she couldn't text me anymore, because she was too tired and had to sleep. Over the next three hours, she updated her Facebook and Twitter accounts, and made a YouTube video of herself singing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 294

You deserved it 6 085

Uber out of there

By post valentines depression - 07/04/2018 01:30

Today, my Tinder date arranged an Uber to pick her up before we had even finished our appetizers. She was so bored she couldn't be bothered to stay for the whole meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 782

You deserved it 819

By Dxxk Biter - 20/02/2018 06:00

Today, the first guy I tried to have sex with at university got his foreskin stuck in his zip and had to go to hospital for stitches. He told all his friends I did it on purpose with my teeth during a blowjob. I now have a reputation, so I guess I'm staying single for the next 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 050

You deserved it 673

By octoberrain - 12/10/2011 15:41 - United States

Today, my upstairs neighbor was leaving the parking lot, and stopped to wave. I smiled and waved back, only to realize that she was saying goodbye to her cat, who was sitting in the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 421

You deserved it 3 646

Creepypasta

By QuinnyZebrass - 02/04/2013 04:11 - United States - Laveen

Today, my creepy co-worker walked up and said, "You know, I was having sex with this girl last night, and I almost said your name." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 724

You deserved it 3 407

By knock_out - 16/07/2010 01:12 - United States

Today, my girlfriend won't have sex with me. Why? Because my mii knocked out her mii in Wii boxing. It wouldn't be as bad if she wasn't in one player mode. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 792

You deserved it 4 868

By misty_love - 10/03/2010 08:09 - United States

Today, I realized that I can still do the splits. Why? Because I fell down an entire flight of stairs, everyone in the hall saw me land and applauded. Someone even shouted "and she sticks the landing." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 644

You deserved it 3 709

By clumsy - 04/01/2011 15:47

Today, while walking on the sidewalk with my boyfriend, I slipped and fell. Not only did he not help me get up or ask if I was okay, he got mad at me for embarrassing him in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 181

You deserved it 4 689

What was the point?

By Anonymous - 29/10/2019 02:00

Today, four years after my husband passed away, my mother in law thought it was the right time to tell me my husband was cheating on me, and that they had met her and everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 743

You deserved it 88

By Anonymous - 18/08/2010 19:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell down the stairs while reading the 'mind your step' sign. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 462

You deserved it 14 581

Father material

By Anonymous - 23/08/2020 02:07

Today, according to my husband, if I die first he won’t be looking after my son from a previous marriage. Either my sister will have to take him or he’ll go into foster care. He doesn’t want kids of his own, so he’ll be dammed if he has to look after someone else’s just because I’m dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 801

You deserved it 682

By Anonymous - 03/03/2011 23:18 - United States

Today, my parents told me that due to my lacking height and weight, I legally have to sit in a booster seat in the car from now on. I'm nineteen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 966

You deserved it 5 433

By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 02:53 - United States

Today, I learned how to use a fire extinguisher. Too bad it was on my brand new oven. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 000

You deserved it 4 354

By worried - 01/04/2010 08:28 - Ireland

Today, I told my boyfriend that my period was now over three weeks late. He still doesn't believe me since it's April Fool's day. But I'm not kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 336

You deserved it 8 452

By JD - 06/02/2010 01:20 - Australia

Today, I was in my drama class and I was standing behind the curtains. My friend accidentally bumped me into the bin that was hidden behind the curtain. Everyone heard me fall and they opened the curtains. My butt was stuck in it and my knees were in front of my face. No one helped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 158

You deserved it 2 910

By deliveryboy - 05/03/2011 15:46 - China

Today, I was told that I was an idiot by a little girl because I didn't deliver a pizza to her house fast enough. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 660

You deserved it 8 839

By icefly - 29/07/2016 15:39 - United States - Orlando

Today, I've owned my dream car for 11 days. Someone backed into it while it parked at work, and drove away without leaving a note. A man at a nearby business knows who did it but won't tell me because it was one of his customers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 342

You deserved it 1 068

Thanks for your service

By really - 19/02/2013 15:27 - United States - Knoxville

Today, I was at a club when a notoriously desperate and disgusting guy asked me to grind with him. Hoping for some backup, I coolly said, "You'll have to ask my boyfriend." My boyfriend's response? "Yeah, man, I don't care." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 634

You deserved it 8 512

By woohoo420 - 04/04/2012 16:14 - United States - Chino Hills

Today, I was so baked out of my mind that I argued with my parakeet over who farted. I could be wrong, but I think I lost the argument. Worse still, my boyfriend had been standing in the doorway long enough to hear everything, even me farting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 632

You deserved it 41 343

By Flora - 17/04/2013 22:56 - United States - Watsonville

Today, I got ancestry DNA tests for my parents and myself. The DNA testing company informed me that I'm a 50% match for my mother but I share no DNA with my father. Apparently, both my parents forgot that they used a sperm donor. This insignificant detail has slipped their minds for 35 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 579

You deserved it 3 285

By Moondoggie_ggk69 - 23/01/2010 17:53 - United States

Today, I was washing my hair in the shower when the water went ice cold. It's 20 degrees outside and we have soft water which takes a longer time to wash away soap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 464

You deserved it 2 888

By Stalked - 15/11/2011 00:46 - United States

Today, I and a policeman confronted my psychotic neighbor who stole my cat because she thinks flea bites cause cancer. She refused to tell us what she'd done with the cat. I just spent $100 last month in vet bills, and my kids are crying for their pet. He's probably in pieces in her freezer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 422

You deserved it 2 727

By thedeerman - 17/09/2011 04:39 - United States

Today, I found out my wife and three daughters all have their period on seperate weeks. I now have no break from yelling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 284

You deserved it 5 281

By duckthehack - 28/01/2011 14:25 - Poland

Today, my 14 year old son got suspended and I had to pay for the damage after he sprayed "FUCK THE POLICE" on the back wall of his school. I'm a policeman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 907

You deserved it 8 866

By Anonymous - 21/04/2011 01:39 - United States

Today, I painted a kids room at my new nanny job while the dad "helped" by staring at my ass and telling me how hard it is to position your "junk" correctly when wearing a speedo. First day on the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 194

You deserved it 3 828

By Poem - 19/12/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, I spent hours delicately writing out what seemed to be a beautiful poem to my girlfriend. After I sent it to her, I kept eyeing my phone to see her surprised message. No, my only response was "you may want to use a spellcheck." FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 006

You deserved it 26 209

By FingerBang - 21/10/2009 06:32 - Australia

Today, whilst holding a hand rail on a packed bus, I was rubbing my hand along, and playing with, what I thought was a join in the metal. It was an old woman's finger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 038

You deserved it 34 060

Just No

By KelseNM - 05/07/2020 14:02

Today, my future sister-in-law, who hasn’t even been engaged a week, informed everyone that the wedding is December 19, which is the due date of my first child. My brother won’t change the date and is making my family choose between his wedding or being at the hospital with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 263

You deserved it 161

By Anonymous - 03/07/2016 23:22

Today, after months of planning and saving for our honeymoon in Italy, my wife and I were turned away at the airport because my passport only has a month until it expires, even though it's only a five-day trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 088

You deserved it 3 872

By cooploops - 31/01/2015 15:13 - United States - Memphis

Today, I went to the mall with some friends. We all kept smelling this god awful B.O. smell and had no idea where it was coming from. On the car ride home, we all figured out it was actually me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 367

You deserved it 12 059

Sticky situation

By CodyS - 03/09/2013 05:03 - United States - Rocky River

Today, on my lunch break, I ran to the gas station, and threw some trash away on my way in. On my way out, I realized my keys were missing. Thinking I threw them away, and fearing that I'd be late returning to work, I tore through the disgusting trash only to find my keys on the seat of my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 168

You deserved it 11 243

By warp_routine - 31/03/2009 14:17 - United States

Today, I got on an elevator with a woman and her child. I was the first one on. When she stepped on, the capacity alarm went off. As she left she told her daughter that's why fat people shouldn't be allowed in public. I'm 145 lbs. She was twice my size. I got called fat by a hippopotamus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 200 577

You deserved it 13 857

By BigDT - 28/01/2012 08:35

Today, I had a testicular ultrasound. The ultrasound tech was a very attractive woman. This is the first time in the past four and a half years a woman has touched my package, and I had to get health issues to make it happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 667

You deserved it 4 040

By fartypeepee - 18/07/2009 10:48 - Australia

Today, I woke up feeling a tingling sensation on my testicles. I enjoyed it for a few seconds, then threw off the covers. Looks like there have been cockroaches in my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 310

You deserved it 10 441

By Anonymous - 17/06/2011 04:50 - Australia

Today, I was passed over for the job of my dreams. I now have to watch as a girl I have on Facebook - a total moron - boasts daily about scoring the position instead. Turns out the interviewer was her uncle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 342

You deserved it 3 012

By thanxguys - 17/03/2010 19:03 - United States

Today, I discovered that when my parents offered to help me pay for college, what they really meant is they would get the forms for me to apply for student loans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 526

You deserved it 4 761

By Anonymous - 09/12/2012 14:53 - United States - Conroe

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years drunkenly introduced me to another very special lady. His wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 205

You deserved it 3 735

Thanks, I hate it

By I'm Trading Up For A Dog - 14/12/2014 20:28 - Finland - Pori

Today, I finished a painting I'd spent 3 weeks working on for an exhibition. When I came back from lunch, my cat was perched above it on my desk. He looked at me, then down at the painting, then jumped down onto it. He slipped and smeared the wet paint everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 616

You deserved it 6 207

By sweet - 26/03/2009 18:08 - United States

Today, I was taking the metro into DC for my internship. Two guys came in and started talking to each other in Arabic. One boy turned to the other said "Do you think shes cute?" The other responded "Her face is hideous but she has nice tits." I am fluent in Arabic. They were looking at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 91 227

You deserved it 5 415

Phantom pooper

By Anonymous - 12/11/2020 17:02 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, all of my roommates were home. I really had to poop all day but the bathroom was being hogged. Once I finally got the chance to go, I guess the toilet didn't flush all the way and I didn't notice. The other roommates loudly asked each other who it was, and they all started loudly taking about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 637

You deserved it 378

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Top comments

hihihi002 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 16:26

you suck.

jlynn91 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 16:33

YDI for using the phrase "find the car stolen". Impossible.

hihihi002 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 16:26

you suck.

zrjones 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 16:31

i cant believe they post stupid shit like this. i guess i have to be a total moron to get my FMLs posted cuz they never post mine but they post this garbage all the time

mcpar 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 16:39

hi i'm at the top :D

I_GET_ASS 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 16:41

nice job taking an old FML and sending it in again. GUYS ITS A REPEAT!!!!!!¡shift1!one¡!!!!!1

fmlfmlfml15 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 17:36

I rephrased the FML: "Today, I made a stupid mistake and decided to post in on fmylife.com so everyone could see how stupid I am. FML"

iljajlm 4

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Monday 17 August 2009 17:54

EPIC FAIL!

DameGreyWulf 0

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Tuesday 18 August 2009 6:00

LOL SIX, that seems to be the case, doesn't it? Though, I've sent in maybe two or three moronic FMLs myself and they didn't get posted. Luck of the draw, I guess.

shadowoftheday_fml 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 16:27

sad.

yaintime21 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 19:42

wowwwwwwwww retard 40- go f yourself. it clearly says "male".

selenes 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 16:28

YDI for being such an idiot.

TC1_fml 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 16:28

What an idiot...

marz88 0

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Monday 17 August 2009 16:31

If we were out in the wild you and the idiot who forgot to unlock his washing machine would have been eaten by now. Sadly no natural selection for you =P