Today, I accidentally farted really loud. My 4 year old Brother...

By "deerling" - 18/3/2019 06:00 - United States - Phoenix

Today, I accidentally farted really loud. My 4 year old Brother heard me and started crying and stopped talking to me for a whole hour. Now he tells everyone about that time his sister farted. FML

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Mixed signals

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By turnedintoinsomniac - 21/1/2011 19:46 - United States

Today, after months of living with my roommate's horrific snoring, I looked over to see her sleeping quietly. Elated that I might actually get a full night of rest for once, I went to bed. Just as my eyelids began to droop, she started making vile hissing sounds. Yes, hissing. FML

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By zomg - 30/4/2012 09:24 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, while at work as a cashier, I tried to be sweet and ID an elderly man buying a bottle of wine. He responded by calling me a "blind-ass bitch" and calling my manager for "harassing" him. FML

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By dynomyte - 11/2/2009 20:04 - United States

Today, as I sat on the table in my gynecologist's office for my yearly checkup, I realized that was the most action I got in the past year. FML

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By elle - 23/5/2011 10:17

Today, I found out that the peaceful rain I'd been listening to all night was really a broken water-main flooding my entire yard. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2011 05:23 - United States

Today, my parents bought purity rings for my twin brother and me for our birthday, and had them blessed by our priest. Neither of us are virgins. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2013 15:17 - Ireland

Today, my trusty old car decided that it no longer needed its back passenger window-pane, and that in fact the window would look a lot better smashed to pieces by the roadside. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2013 01:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend took me to dinner. There was a beautifully decorated table with rose petals and a huge bouquet and he told me he had ordered all this for me. I'd never felt so special. That is, until I had to get up for the couple whose table it actually was. FML

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By foreveralone - 24/9/2012 23:12 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I was trying to convince my flatmate to agree to let me get us a kitten. After gushing about how cute they are, and showing her loads of pictures, she just stared at me and said, "You really need a penis inside you now and again." FML

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By VDM - 3/6/2013 21:16 - France - Poissy

Today, my 6-year-old son was so angry at me for not buying him overpriced candy at the airport, that he told a security guard I had a machine gun in my suitcase. The interrogation was not pleasant. FML

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By WickedLittleDoll - 1/12/2014 16:38 - United States - Laurinburg

Today, I realized my anger management has hit a new low when I screamed at a goose for being a goose. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, I arrived at my apartment to find the door kicked in. Inside, I found my TV, Xbox, stereo, CDs, and laptop had all been stolen. When my roommate got home, I told him about it, to which he replied, "Yeah, I left my keys inside this morning, so I kicked the door in to get them." He left with the door kicked in. FML

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By TheBRADLeyB - 16/4/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, I was going 73 in a 55 on a country road when an oncoming cop passed me. He pulled a U turn. I turned off the main road and took random turns. I got lost, was 30 minutes late to work, and the cop still found me and gave me two tickets. I had to ask him for directions. FML

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By whooops - 15/8/2009 13:56 - United States

Today, after having a few beers at a bar, I gave my ticket to the valet to get my car. I tipped the man $2 and he gave me a huge smile and thanked me a lot as I left. I thought the guy was just really appreciative for those $2 until I got home and saw one of the $100 bills in my wallet was gone. FML

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By LilyL - 6/6/2010 21:53 - United States

Today, I spent hours cleaning the kitchen that my slob roommates always neglect. I scrubbed the floor, emptied the fridge, washed all the dishes, etc. When I was done, I was thirsty so I got myself a soda. I opened the can, and it exploded and sprayed everything I had just washed. FML

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By TrashlifeKaylala - 10/7/2019 00:01

Thanks for coming to my TED Talk

Today, my father once again sat me and my boyfriend of a year down to have another "talk." These "talks" are always something negative against our relationship, and how it’s not up to his standards. We’ve explained numerous times why he’s wrong. My father is about to make me single. FML

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By Fffhjno - 28/9/2016 18:15 - United States - Providence

Today, I saw my two-year-old son trying to floss his teeth. He was using an earthworm. FML

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By gimp. - 8/5/2009 08:28 - United States

Today, I had surgery on my foot. The doctor told me I'd be on crutches for 6 months. I texted my boyfriend the news, promising lots of intimate favors if he'd watch movies with me while on bed rest for the next week. He texted back, "No way. I don't date cripples." Dumped for a broken foot. FML

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By So I can go now then? - 9/2/2019 20:00

Today, I got fired from a job I had already resigned from after agreeing to stay on and help them out for an extra month, despite having no contract. They fired me because a colleague refused to work with me anymore because I wouldn't date him. FML

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By Loopylogo - 10/1/2017 14:01

Today, my boss came into the office asked how I was doing and seemed totally normal and happy, then said, "I have to let you go. I heard some bad things about you." He wouldn't tell me what he heard, or from whom. FML

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By willconqueror1 - 22/9/2014 14:25 - United States

Today, coming home from a trip in the mountains, I got a cracked radiator and my car overheated. My dad came to get me, he drove my car and I followed in his. I got pulled over and ticketed for his expired registration. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2020 23:00

Non-baby fever

Today, I found out that my fiancé, with whom I've been with for 10 years, doesn't want to have sex with me because he thinks I'm going to trap him into having a baby. He sees me take my contraceptive pill nightly and knows I was booked in for having a coil fitted before Covid-19 happened. FML

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By boyishgirl - 27/2/2015 19:14 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I got to see my best friend for the first time in months. Her first reaction was to say, "Wow, you gained a lot of weight." I actually lost a fair bit. FML

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By Idon'thave£12000 - 6/5/2019 16:00

Could go either way, really

Today, I received a full scholarship to the university of my dreams in England. Being born into a fairly poor family, I've never received anything for free and I worked on my grades like a dog last semester to achieve this. However, the scholarship is only valid if the UK stays in the EU. FML

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By UN4 - 27/5/2015 16:25 - United States

Today, one of my students tried to bribe me $200 to change his grade. When I said no and told him he was lucky I didn't report him, he went to the dean and told him I offered to change his grade for money. I'm now suspended and under investigation. FML

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By Jebus - 7/6/2009 20:46 - United States

Today, I walked to Starbucks. On the way a homeless guy asked me for change and I lied and said I had no money. On my way back, Strawberry Frappuccino in hand, the same guy recognized me. He followed me for 3 blocks, swearing and yelling at me. FML

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By MAWZ - 19/7/2011 06:33 - United States

Today, while I was showering, my brother thought it would be funny to burst through the door pretending he was a burglar. Panicked, I went to grab the soap bar as a weapon, slipped, fell and hit my head on the faucet. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2009 21:52 - United States

Today, I was at my senior dance dancing with this guy I really like. He was telling me how he likes a strong woman who's not afraid to make the first move. Empowered by what he said, I asked him out. He said no because he thinks girls shouldn't ask guys out. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2017 00:00 - Canada

Not how it works...

Today, my classmate told me she can copy an article from the internet and hand that in, as long as she cites it at the end. FML

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By dumbass1991 - 12/12/2010 19:36 - United States

Today, I was messing around on my laptop by drawing on the screen with a marker pen. When it came time to clean it off, it wouldn't budge. Now I have a full beard and mustache etched permanently on my computer screen. FML

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By manymisfortunes - 4/10/2014 05:43 - Canada - Lachine

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have a quickie in the car. We had left a window open so it wasn't too hot, and I was holding onto the edge of the window, fingers hanging over. In the midst of it all, my boyfriend managed to close the window by hitting the button. My finger is broken. FML

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By whytho - 19/11/2019 03:00

Because of him

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I also found out I have an STD. I was clean before we dated. FML

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By MisterT - 19/5/2010 01:23 - United States

Today, my kitchen sink was clogged. I poured a bottle of Drano down and came back two hours later. The clog is still there, but the glue on the pipe is not and now there is Drano-water all over the floor, staining and dissolving everything in my kitchen. FML

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By properpissed - 3/6/2014 15:36 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was talking to one of my British friends online, and he told me to say "yew anchors" a few times really fast. I'm a fairly stupid person, and wasn't very focused, so I did as he said. When I finally figured what the words meant, my dad had heard and grounded me for cursing. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2016 14:10

Today, I found out all the "work meetings" my husband has been going to wasn't him having an affair after all, but him attending a neo-Nazi group. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2010 07:45 - United States

Today, around 2:00 a.m. I had just sat down on my couch when I noticed one of my cats poking at what appeared to be a toy. I attempted to pick it up to play with the cat when it started to move like a mouse. I squealed like a girl and woke up my wife upstairs. I'm a 26-year-old man. FML

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By cman - 26/2/2010 11:17 - Romania

Today, I was walking past a group of old men exiting a building. All of a sudden, I heard a strange splashing sound, and discovered one of the completely inebriated men walking behind me, pissing on my boots. I sped up, but so did he, and he didn't miss once until he was done. FML

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By darkman28 - 7/4/2009 05:21 - United States

Today, I was looking at the page of a girl I've had this big crush on for a long time. After getting a date with her and taking her horse back riding and having a picture taken of the two of us I find that she paint shopped me out of the picture before posting it. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2013 07:21 - Canada - Saint John

Today, I got in a heated fight and ended up being punched in the jaw. The fight was about Harry Potter. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 00:00 - United States

Today, I was at Wal-Mart where all the aisles had been moved. An elderly woman asked me where the pet products were, so I told her that I didn't know, but showed her where they could be. An hour later, she came back with security. She'd told them I'd purposefully gotten her lost. They threw me out. FML

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By SplishSplash - 1/9/2013 01:21 - United States

Today, we went boating with friends. For some reason the bottom of our tube deflated, causing me to be bounced roughly up and down on the water. As a result, I had the most intense orgasm of my entire life, while sitting 2 inches away from my dad's friend. He definitely noticed. FML

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7782799 - Monday 18 March 2019 16:06

Girls don't fart. My ex looked like a lily, smelled like jasmine, and tasted like cherries. At no point did she ever smell of ass. According to her, anyway.

By bloopaloop | 27

#7782769 - Monday 18 March 2019 14:07

Should have told him it was a queef

COMMENTS

By bloopaloop | 27

#7782769 - Monday 18 March 2019 14:07

Should have told him it was a queef

By ojosRojos | 28

#7782773 - Monday 18 March 2019 14:18

Sounds like it’s time for you to teach him the classic: “You smelt it, you dealt it.”

By Gradask | 10

#7782774 - Monday 18 March 2019 14:26

USA, the only country on earth where females do not poop, pee or fart....

Did you know, holding in farts can harm your intestines and cause anal leakage among other things as you get older?

evilplatypus | 38

#7782795 - Monday 18 March 2019 15:55

Eh, there are far more prudish countries out there when it comes to bathroom habits. We’re not great, but we’re not the worst either.

goober96 | 15

#7782808 - Monday 18 March 2019 17:04

And spontaneous human combustion too

bloopaloop | 27

#7782834 - Monday 18 March 2019 19:07

That's because American women DONT have buttholes. Women where you're from sound gross

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7782799 - Monday 18 March 2019 16:06

Girls don't fart. My ex looked like a lily, smelled like jasmine, and tasted like cherries. At no point did she ever smell of ass. According to her, anyway.

melisssa87 | 30

#7782803 - Monday 18 March 2019 16:22

Im getting the hint that you thought otherwise

raven_of_azarath | 32

#7782932 - Tuesday 19 March 2019 1:31

Someone sounds like they’re still a little bitter.

By Aphrodite | 19

#7782812 - Monday 18 March 2019 17:24

I think the more important question is what the hell did you eat to fart so loud?

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7782969 - Tuesday 19 March 2019 6:41

OP, simply get him the book, "Everybody poops!" Or "What Shat That?"

By jriley4u | 17

#7783358 - Wednesday 20 March 2019 4:11

The real question is,, what’s wrong with your brother. Never met any boy at any age that didn’t think a fart, no matter how loud, the louder the better, was hilarious.