Kids: Today, I accidentally let out a silent but obscenely deadly fart...

By lambeaster - United States - Washington

Today, I accidentally let out a silent but obscenely deadly fart in the doctor's waiting room. It was so foul that a woman got insanely pissed at her kid because she thought he'd shat his pants again. FML

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Kids

Family values

Fucking Facebook memories

Dodged a bullet

By Blood on my hands - United States

Today, I sprayed down some ants in my house. In the sea of ant corpses was a single living ant seemingly cradling a dead one in its arms. I'm convinced I just became the villain in an epic tragedy. Now I have to live with my ant problem because I can't bear to tear another family apart. FML

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By Anonymous

FML Uncensored

Today, me and my boyfriend had sex but stopped when I felt pain down stairs. That evening he wanted me to go to the emergency room but I wanted to sleep it off. Turned out I needed surgery. One of my fallopian tubes had ripped. The sex was so rough, I got an intravenous hemorrhage. FML

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By sarahijklmnop - United States - Louisville

Today, I started at my first job. Within the first five minutes of arriving, I was followed around by a white guy who repeatedly sang to me, "Black people love making music" along with a few of his own songs. It resulted in me getting fired for bringing my "boyfriend" to work. I didn't even know him. FML

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By Noalixah - Finland

Today, in the early hours of the morning, a worker started drilling the road right in front of my window. He stopped 5 minutes before my alarm clock rang. FML

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By Godfree - United States

Today, I was walking to a meeting and saw two girls trying to jump start a car in the rain. Thinking I'd be a gentleman and help them, I offered to assist. The girl whose car is broken down looks at me, looks at her friend, and says, "I think we'd better call the police." FML

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By Kali

Say it ain't so, please

Today, I went to go meet my boyfriend at a restaurant to tell him it just wasn't working out. Before I could do so, he proposed. I had to tell him no, so he started to cry and ran out. Everyone looked at me like some kind of monster. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my grandpa came over to help paint our house, as we are renovating it. The only paint clothes he decided to wear were his underpants. The neighbours and builders found this quite amusing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called up Verizon Wireless to "complain" about my phone service. I really had nothing to complain about, I was just that lonely that I wanted someone to talk to. FML

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By Durrrrrr - Canada

Today, I went to a "party" with the boy whom I am interested in. It was the first time I met his friends. Turns out he and all his friends are hardcore Christians who don't drink and are celibate. FML

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By 303 - United States - Houston

Today, I picked up my car from the repair shop, drove two miles, and ran out of gas. I then walked to get gas, put a gallon of gas in the car, and tried to start it. The battery was too weak to start the car, and died on the spot. FML

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By ol faithful - Canada

Today, I was at the bar with a date. My date made a joke about me being a slow drinker, so I tried to impress her by chugging the rest of my glass. She was impressed with how fast I chugged my beer, until it came back up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I pretended like I was dead to my 4 year old brother. He cried my name for a couple of seconds, then took my iPhone out of my hands and ran away laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2020 20:00

Addicted to love

Today, I was half paying attention to a text message conversation with someone about how addicted we both were to social media. It's wasn't until deep into the conversation that I realized we were actually talking about porn. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in an elevator with my dad and several strangers. When the elevator voice said, "Going down," my dad excitedly said, "Man, I love it when she says that!" loudly enough for everyone to hear. FML

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By ThisGuy97 - United States

Today, I pulled a muscle. Not in any kind of sport or exercise, but while reaching for my computer mouse. FML

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By sleeper - France

Today, I was on the train when I fell asleep. Everything would have been fine but I was suddenly jerked awake by the very loud sound of my own fart, followed by the stares of many strangers. FML

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By i see fat people - Australia - Canberra

Today, I finally felt motivated to do some exercise. As I got my weights out, I noticed out of the corner of my eye someone moving about outside my window. I got scared and dropped a weight on my foot. The person outside was my own reflection. FML

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By Alice - United States - Happy Valley

Today, my neighbor's daughter started learning how to play the trombone. FML

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By both are dimwitted - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my ex called, saying she's 3 months pregnant. She seems to have forgotten that we haven't been in the same room, much less friends, in over a year. My dimwitted wife thinks the baby is mine. FML

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By xXx3mi_MuffinxXx - United States

Today, I had to tell my best friend that I couldn't make it to the lake today or tomorrow because I'd been called in to work. She won't believe me and thinks I'm simply avoiding her. I got called in to bathe and clean dogs' anal glands. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three months told me that he had cheated on me two months ago with my best friend. I decided to give him a second chance. About twenty minutes later, he then broke up with me for not wanting to watch football. Apparently I don't care about his feelings. FML

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By JakeHolmes - United States

Today, I was in my hot tub with my brand new phone. I set it down and when I grabbed my towel I knocked it into the water. I quickly snatched it up and dried it off with the towel and suprisingly only one button stopped working. It was the unlock button, a perfectly good phone that I can't use. FML

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By Davey Crocker - 23/4/2020 08:00

Stay safe, wear a hazmat suit

Today, my coworker volunteered me to drop laptops off at two sites outside our normal areas. I asked if they were safe from COVID-19. "I don't know, but you're young. You'll be okay," responded the man who's been working from home for weeks. FML

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By zheiraT - United States - South Portland

Today, I walked into my boss's office to ask for a raise, and walked out unemployed. FML

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By tiredInMD - United States - Pasadena

Today, after retyping a 22-page report for work because the orginal had gone missing, i realized I had used a different laptop the first time. I now have 2 copies of the same report, both of which are late. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was supposed to start my vacation in Italy. I guess not everyone heard that I canceled it due to health problems, because this morning I caught two of my "friends" unplugging my TV after breaking into my house. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Maastricht

Today, I sat through an incredibly long and tedious class lecture. Just as my professor was nearing the end of his lecture, the resident stoner loudly yawned and asked what we'd been talking about for the past hour. We got to hear most of the lecture all over again. FML

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By minissaussette - France - Cergy

Today, my 4-year-old brother has a very strict 8:30 PM bedtime. Since I would have to walk past his door to get to the rest of the house, I'm not allowed to leave my room past that time, lest I tempt him to get up too. I can't even go to the bathroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my husband left his laptop logged in to a chat site after leaving for work. Curious, I read some of the logs, and discovered he has been posing as a woman and holding filthy conversations with "hot teen lesbians" for the past several months. FML

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By just a reaction - 17/8/2020 23:09

This ain't working out

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a heated argument. He raised his hand like he was going to hit me. Having been hit by my ex before, I panicked and instinctively kicked his legs out from under him. He then dumped me because he said he was just gonna scare me, but I used real violence on him. FML

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By Too Many Credits

Today, after having too many projects for end of term, I asked to borrow my sister's paper that she used for the same class last year. After submitting it online, I found the example paper that the teacher handed out. My teacher used my sister's paper from last year as an example for us. FML

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By Dave - United States

Today, the company I work for decided to "go green" and stopped using the air conditioner to cool down the office. It is currently 81 degrees at my desk. FML

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By passedoutpolly - United States

Today, I went to a huge rock concert. While waiting in a half a mile long line to get in, I passed out due to the heat. I regained consciousness to hear about a hundred people yelling and trying to help me. My boyfriend, who I went with, was not one of them. FML

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By Ashley - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, my friend spilt orange juice all over my iPad. She then went ahead to clean it off by rinsing it with water. FML

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By HHIChica - United States

Today, while my 18 pound cat was on the edge of the tub watching me shower, he fell in. Apparently, in his mind, the best way to get away from the water is to climb my bare legs. FML

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By 9inchsofty

Today, I took my truck through an automatic car wash. During the wash, the bristles on one of the automatic scrubbers ripped my metal antenna off of my car. The antenna was stuck spinning around in the scrubber, smacking and scratching the entire side of my car, top to bottom. FML

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By Morganisoverrated

Today, I was planning to ask a guy at school out since I had mustered up the confidence to finally tell him how I really felt. I ended up puking on him. FML

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By randomnamehere - United States

Today, my brother decided it would be funny to squirt disappearing ink on my wedding dress right before I walked down the aisle. It didn't disappear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a note on my door that said "I masturbate to your pictures on Facebook." Someone else wrote "like" at the bottom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a haircut for the first time in almost a year. I thought it looked really nice and made me look good. On my way to CVS, I ran into one of my friends. He examined me and said, "You look... like a crack whore." FML

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Top comments

By arano | 29

#6515796 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:19

Fuck the kids life. I can't say I wouldn't have found it hilarious though.

By BalamCruz | 13

#6515802 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:23

Do you smell it? A kind of smelly smell... A smelly smell that smells smelly

COMMENTS

By arano | 29

#6515796 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:19

Fuck the kids life. I can't say I wouldn't have found it hilarious though.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6515919 - Thursday 21 January 2016 3:57

No harm, no foul to you, except what escaped your ass...

By onlyme25 | 26

#6515799 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:21

Well who else could she have blame ( if she didn't know it was you)? Maybe the dog that wasn't there? Ha. :)

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6515979 - Thursday 21 January 2016 5:53

I bet she felt pretty stupid when she looked down his pants and realized he didn't do it!

By BalamCruz | 13

#6515802 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:23

Do you smell it? A kind of smelly smell... A smelly smell that smells smelly

britbear0731 | 9

#6515845 - Thursday 21 January 2016 1:17

what is this from??

hacksaw246 | 24

#6515854 - Thursday 21 January 2016 1:30

From the greediest crab to ever walk the sea floor.

fpants2010 | 18

#6515866 - Thursday 21 January 2016 1:52

*Wide eyed* ANCHOVIES!!

Lurmin | 12

#6516471 - Thursday 21 January 2016 19:53

Anyone have a Hydro-Dynamic spatula on them?

Technastar | 25

#6523069 - Friday 29 January 2016 7:24

Right here! With port and starboard attachments; and let's not forget the turbo drive!

By Zebediabolical | 38

#6515804 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:23

..and that's when you owned up to it, right OP?

nix1993 | 41

#6515871 - Thursday 21 January 2016 1:59

Like you would've done?

Zebediabolical | 38

#6515932 - Thursday 21 January 2016 4:23

Pissed, probably not.

Insanely pissed, absolutely.

countryb_cth | 38

#6516011 - Thursday 21 January 2016 7:33

I'm guessing OP was scared the mother would turn on him

Zebediabolical | 38

#6518721 - Sunday 24 January 2016 17:26

Better me than the kid, in my opinion. Especially for something that I know with absolute certainty isn't the kids fault. The blame game for farts is fine. Until someone starts flipping out.

By jarrahj | 19

#6515806 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:24

That's a shitty thing to do

LilMissCanadian | 22

#6515818 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:35

Here we go again

R2Y2 | 22

#6515992 - Thursday 21 January 2016 6:29

I give op props, fuck your pun

By ragnarok1540 | 39

#6515807 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:25

If her kid shits his pants often enough that she would jump to that conclusion, one would think the kid would still be wearing diapers.

sillygirl247 | 14

#6515869 - Thursday 21 January 2016 1:57

Maybe they are potty training

MamaChey | 22

#6515987 - Thursday 21 January 2016 6:17

OP forgot to say the the kid is 12...

onlychildFTW | 33

#6516072 - Thursday 21 January 2016 10:33

Well he could have been wearing diapers under his pants. When I was younger I wore diapers but also wore pants! So if I took a dump in my diaper it was technically also in my pants.