Today, I accidentally let out a silent but obscenely deadly fart...

By lambeaster - 20/1/2016 14:27 - United States - Washington

Today, I accidentally let out a silent but obscenely deadly fart in the doctor's waiting room. It was so foul that a woman got insanely pissed at her kid because she thought he'd shat his pants again. FML

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Kids

Deep-seated resentment

The end of the road

Boom, headshot

By anonymous - 17/5/2011 17:34 - United States

Today, I won the lottery. My ex-girlfriend has the ticket. I just broke up with her. FML

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By Honestly - 9/2/2017 11:00 - United Kingdom - Measham

Today, I had to teach my mother that tampons do not belong in the toilet. FML

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By Crusty - 19/12/2012 20:53

Today, I decided to treat myself to a pedicure. The pedicurist began examining my feet, then called his coworkers over to demonstrate how to deal with "excessively crusty" feet. FML

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By mustachio101 - 17/7/2012 23:30 - United States - Montgomery

Today, my boyfriend thought it appropriate to let me know that doing the "duck face" in my Facebook pictures "highlights my mustache." FML

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By Haze - 24/11/2015 03:25 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, my parents finally fulfilled my childhood dream and got a puppy, after years of me nagging at them. The only downside is that I no longer live at home and he's not mine. FML

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By pokeloser - 24/6/2019 07:04

Today, my high point was still being able to recite all 151 generation one Pokémon in order, from memory. I need a life. FML

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By sleepytime - 5/10/2009 16:36 - United States

Today, I was really, REALLY tired at work. I went to the restroom to take a little break, and must have dozed off, because I was awoken by my boss, knocking on the door of the stall. Apparently, I had been snoring. FML

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By Vincent - 2/1/2014 05:04 - United States - Overland Park

Today, I asked my mom why she had two tooth brushes: one manual and one electric. She said: "I only use the manual one for brushing my teeth." FML

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By insertfoothere - 18/7/2009 11:26 - United States

Today, after my son's new friend spent the night, I commented on how his hair had such a straight line in it from one ear to the other. I joked about how he must have fallen asleep with headphones on, or had bad hat hair. He informed me it was a scar from brain surgery he had when he was younger. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/5/2019 02:00

All true

Today, I found out that my mother-in-law thinks that Trump is the "best man to walk the earth since Jesus," and that he's "fighting the deep state who's in control of the fake news." She tried to indoctrinate me. FML

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By Unimpressed - 3/6/2009 10:40 - Australia

Today, I was taken a taxi home after drinking too much. I started to feel sick and, not wanting to be charged the cab cleaning fee, threw up into my handbag instead. When we got to my place I then had to fish through that bag for my wallet to pay the driver. FML

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By Ellencrazee - 13/8/2011 10:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I came home from holiday, only to find my house full of small decomposing animals, courtesy of my cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 20:02

Mixed signals

Today, I had the girl of my dreams in my bed. She was laughing and smiling, kissing and talking. It was great. Then suddenly she said, "I want to go home; is that rude?" Then she left. I called, but now I'm blocked. FML

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By smbcolorado - 4/2/2011 22:43 - United States

Today, my husband sent an email invite to his family about our daughter's upcoming birthday. Upon reading the email, his aunt clicked "reply all" while emailing her husband and said, "I'd rather say we're out of town than see that dumb bitch our nephew calls his wife." FML

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By great - 20/7/2012 10:20 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, at the bank, my 8-year-old son decided to pull out realistic looking toy gun, and scream "FREEZE! Give me all your money!" The dim-witted bank teller pressed the silent alarm, and I was nearly arrested. FML

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By Dani - 28/11/2011 12:34 - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting a historical war bunker when I accidentally let rip a small fart. My boyfriend responded with a horribly loud, horrendous fart, and loudly announced, "This is war." There were people, lots of people. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2016 14:50 - United Kingdom - Shepton Mallet

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd drive me to the jeweler's to pick out a ring. We drove there, I picked the ring, and the sales person rang it up. I glanced at my boyfriend, only for him to reply, "Well don't look at me!" FML

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By omgn00blolz89 - 7/4/2009 00:42 - United States

Today, I was walking my little sister home from the eye doctor. It was raining out so we were kind of in a hurry to get home. We get home and about half an hour later, the cops show up. Apparently, someone saw me walking my sister and called the cops on me thinking I was a child molester. FML

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By banana - 4/2/2009 20:20 - United States

Today, I hooked up with this man for the first time. He takes his shirt off and has a chestful of black hair. He had his name shaved into it. FML

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By Ooops - 12/9/2019 22:02 - Canada

Baked

Today, I kept smelling the pleasant odor of baking bread while driving around. Tonight, I realized that the smell of yeast was actually coming from a cup of moldy smoothie that got missed and left in a cup holder in the back of my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/12/2009 19:45 - United States

Today, I found out my mom is getting rid of cable TV. My dad and I bought her a 700 dollar plasma screen TV for Christmas. FML

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By flaggurl - 10/3/2009 01:16 - United States

Today, I was in my backyard scolding my cat. I yelled, "If you can't learn to use the bathroom correctly then I am going to leave your stupid butt out here in the snow until you figure it out!!" Later, my neighbor left me a nasty note about child abuse - she thought I was scolding my son. FML

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By "Mom2grls808" - 19/12/2018 20:00 - United States

Today, I was taking a nap with my 5 month old on the floor (carpeted) in the livingroom. when I woke up my daughter bombed her diaper her and the dogs were rolling in it on the carpet and tiled kitchen....FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2010 23:08 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me. In my opinion, the relationship was going so well and I really thought we loved each other. When I asked why, he told me he never loved me. He just wanted to get in my pants which after a year of refusing, he finally did. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/1/2012 11:44 - Australia

Bored

Today, I caught myself thinking about what to cook for dinner tonight. During sex. FML

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By ekaay - 16/1/2018 15:00

Today, whilst cleaning the living room, I heard snickering coming from my bedroom. My two nephews had found my "play cupboard" and were blowing up condoms like balloons. FML

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By "burnuptowndow" - 30/9/2017 01:30

Today, we got a new boss. This would have been great if he knew how to do his job. I've spent the last week training a guy who hits on co-workers and gets paid twice as much as me. FML

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By policeopenup - 11/7/2009 19:38 - United States

Today, my girlfriend threw me on the couch as I walked in the door. I butt dialed my mom in the process. My girlfriend took off my pants and we got to business. After about 30 seconds of hearing what was going on, my mom thought something was wrong and called the cops to my apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2010 04:33 - Canada

Today, after taking a pregnancy test and carefully disposing of all the evidence so no one would find out, I realized I left the receipt for it on the bathroom counter. I noticed too late as I watch my mom step out of the bathroom, and my step-father go in right after. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2013 14:54 - Finland - Vanda

Today, my boss threatened to fire me because of a tattoo I have. It's a small teddy bear on my leg with my parents' names on it. My workplace has no problems with tattoos, but my boss said it was "unoriginal and lame." It's a memorial tattoo; my parents died last year. FML

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By smokecloud_ - 30/12/2014 21:38 - United States - Ashland

Today, I was watching ESPN. My boyfriend came in, bitched about "boring tv," so I handed him the remote. He put on a Lifetime movie. I must be the only woman in America with this problem. FML

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By ouch - 25/3/2010 08:00 - United States

Today, while having sex, I tried to kick the blanket over my feet and kneed myself in the face. FML

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By FangirlMess6 - 24/3/2017 07:00 - United States

Today, I saw a man stuck in his car door by his jacket. I ran over to help him, and his wife hit me with her purse. FML

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By badbride - 26/7/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, I accidentally slept in two hours later than I was supposed to. Today is my wedding day. FML

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By cazzb - 16/9/2014 04:17 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, while waiting for my violin student to unpack his violin, he farted loudly and rhythmically on the sofa, and then went on about how it sounded like the "Shave and a Haircut" rhythm. FML

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By beno - 7/1/2009 15:25 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife sent nudie pics to her ex-husband. My wife's excuse for the pics? "I needed a compliment because I thought you didn't love me." FML

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By TheMysteriousTsundere - 3/11/2018 15:30

Today, my dad threw out all my food because a fly landed on a loaf of bread still in its package. He claims the bread and everything else that touched it is "contaminated". That was all the food I had for the rest of the month. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/9/2019 14:00

Alexa, play "It Wasn't Me" by Shaggy

Today, I was yelled at and fired by my boss. He claimed that I've been sleeping with his wife. I've never met his wife. FML

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By Mike - 16/9/2020 09:02 - Bulgaria - Sofia

Baby brain

Today, we had two-year wedding anniversary. A few months ago, I insisted on going to a therapist because my wife can only think and talk about our one-year kid. My present for her was a Spa day, flowers and chocolate. Her gift to me was a Lego set to build for our kid. FML

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By JustWashedTheseJeans - 25/10/2016 01:05

Today, I pissed my pants in fear for the first time. Was I at a spooky haunted house? Nope, I turned a corner and got startled by a parked car. FML

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Top comments

By arano | 29

#6515796 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:19

Fuck the kids life. I can't say I wouldn't have found it hilarious though.

By BalamCruz | 13

#6515802 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:23

Do you smell it? A kind of smelly smell... A smelly smell that smells smelly

COMMENTS

By arano | 29

#6515796 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:19

Fuck the kids life. I can't say I wouldn't have found it hilarious though.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6515919 - Thursday 21 January 2016 3:57

No harm, no foul to you, except what escaped your ass...

By onlyme25 | 26

#6515799 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:21

Well who else could she have blame ( if she didn't know it was you)? Maybe the dog that wasn't there? Ha. :)

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6515979 - Thursday 21 January 2016 5:53

I bet she felt pretty stupid when she looked down his pants and realized he didn't do it!

By BalamCruz | 13

#6515802 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:23

Do you smell it? A kind of smelly smell... A smelly smell that smells smelly

britbear0731 | 9

#6515845 - Thursday 21 January 2016 1:17

what is this from??

hacksaw246 | 24

#6515854 - Thursday 21 January 2016 1:30

From the greediest crab to ever walk the sea floor.

fpants2010 | 18

#6515866 - Thursday 21 January 2016 1:52

*Wide eyed* ANCHOVIES!!

Lurmin | 12

#6516471 - Thursday 21 January 2016 19:53

Anyone have a Hydro-Dynamic spatula on them?

Technastar | 25

#6523069 - Friday 29 January 2016 7:24

Right here! With port and starboard attachments; and let's not forget the turbo drive!

By Zebediabolical | 37

#6515804 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:23

..and that's when you owned up to it, right OP?

nix1993 | 41

#6515871 - Thursday 21 January 2016 1:59

Like you would've done?

Zebediabolical | 37

#6515932 - Thursday 21 January 2016 4:23

Pissed, probably not.

Insanely pissed, absolutely.

countryb_cth | 38

#6516011 - Thursday 21 January 2016 7:33

I'm guessing OP was scared the mother would turn on him

Zebediabolical | 37

#6518721 - Sunday 24 January 2016 17:26

Better me than the kid, in my opinion. Especially for something that I know with absolute certainty isn't the kids fault. The blame game for farts is fine. Until someone starts flipping out.

By jarrahj | 19

#6515806 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:24

That's a shitty thing to do

LilMissCanadian | 22

#6515818 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:35

Here we go again

R2Y2 | 22

#6515992 - Thursday 21 January 2016 6:29

I give op props, fuck your pun

By ragnarok1540 | 39

#6515807 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:25

If her kid shits his pants often enough that she would jump to that conclusion, one would think the kid would still be wearing diapers.

sillygirl247 | 14

#6515869 - Thursday 21 January 2016 1:57

Maybe they are potty training

MamaChey | 22

#6515987 - Thursday 21 January 2016 6:17

OP forgot to say the the kid is 12...

onlychildFTW | 33

#6516072 - Thursday 21 January 2016 10:33

Well he could have been wearing diapers under his pants. When I was younger I wore diapers but also wore pants! So if I took a dump in my diaper it was technically also in my pants.