Kids: Today, I accidentally let out a silent but obscenely deadly fart...

By lambeaster - United States - Washington

Today, I accidentally let out a silent but obscenely deadly fart in the doctor's waiting room. It was so foul that a woman got insanely pissed at her kid because she thought he'd shat his pants again. FML

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Kids

Sorry…

Backwards world

I don't wanna

By LoveMeMother

Today, I realized my mom tells our dogs she loves them more than she says it to me. FML

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By snowman - United States

Today, my city got almost a foot of snow. When I went out to my car, it was covered in snow with a layer of ice underneath. I went to open the trunk to get the window scraper, when the snow that had collected on the top of my back window slid into my trunk. My laptop was the recipient of most of the snow. FML

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By Walk of Shame

Today, my boyfriend, who is also my boss, was giving me a blowjob at work. Halfway through, his boss knocked on the door and I had to quickly get dressed and slip out the other door. After leaving, I realized that I was still barefoot and I had to walk back to my desk in front of my colleagues. FML

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By IndieRox - United States

Today, I am lying next to my new husband. We went to Hawaii for our honeymoon and planned on spending the entire time in bed together. We succeeded in that goal, with both of us unable to leave each other's side for entire week. Sex? No. Food poisoning? Yes. FML

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By tee - United States - Kansas City

Today, I found out people are suspicious of me at work because I do a good job. FML

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By iGotSkill - Canada

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her mom who had passed away years ago told her that I was cheating on her, telepathically. FML

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By PineappleOfMyEye

Today, I work at a general store and a customer came in trying to bargain a set price of an item. The item? A 50 cent candy bar. He wanted it for 34 cents. This is not the first time he's done this. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's a screamer. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her, because he immediately came over and started savaging me. FML

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By Shady_Soldier - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to get over my lifelong fear of Michael Jackson. I went to have my photo taken with a statue of him. Little did I know, for Halloween week they replace the statues with real people. It jumped out at me; I'm never getting over this fear. FML

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By alwaysxgettingxshitxon - United States

Today, I was working at the library. Some punks thought it would be funny to shit in a book, close it and return it in the drop box. The fact that it was sitting outside in the ninety degree heat for a couple hours did not help the stench; it was everywhere and I had to clean the mess. FML

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By noway - Singapore

Today, I got into a fight with my boyfriend. The only thing he could think of to cheer me up was to give me "permission" to give him a blowjob. FML

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By sdasdflkjas - United States

Today, while the kid I was babysitting was in the bathroom, he called to me "I need some help in here." Worried I ran to the bathroom and asked him what was wrong. He needed me to wipe his butt. As if that weren't gross enough, just as my hand was under his butt, he pooped again and laughed. FML

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By jessiegirl - United States

Today, I called my boyfriend to tell him how sweetly the main character on my favorite tv show proposed to his girlfriend. He told me to hang on a second, and later forgot about me while he told his brother about the hot blonde he slept with last night. FML

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By NaomiMadison - United States

Today, my little brother came into my room and hit me over the head with his baseball bat. He then dropped the bat onto my floor and ran crying into my mother's room proclaiming I stole his bat and beat him with it for fun. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2021 08:01

Unfair

Today, I was let go from my job for not being able to come into work early. FML

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By bruisedandconfused - United States - Aberdeen

Today, two days after sending her flowers for Valentine's Day, my dream girl asked me on a date. She didn't show up. Her boyfriend did though. FML

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By No money, mo' problems - United States

Today, I witnessed an elderly lady getting mugged. I ran over to the guy mugging her and offered him the money in my wallet in return for him leaving her alone. The old lady snatched my money and ran away with the mugger. What the hell just happened? FML

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By Red Toad - 30/11/2020 00:04 - United States - Litchfield Park

Wokescolds gonna get you

Today, I realized the topic for my 1750-word essay could end up offending people, and I had to start all over from the beginning with a different topic. FML

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By kennedygeeee - United States

Today, I found out my mom was getting remarried, to my dad. He's been in prison for five years because he pushed her out a window. FML

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By imamess - United States - Rockville

Today, I was going to put some Italian dressing on my salad when I noticed that the oil and vinegar weren't mixed. After putting the cap back on, I shook as hard as I could. The cap came flying off and I showered myself in the dressing. FML

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By Sunshine56 - United States - Greenbrier

Today, I sold cigarettes to a woman who promptly told me that she smoked meth. It's only my second night working this job. FML

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By 1thapp3ns - United States

Today, I went to dinner with my mom and her new boyfriend. At the restaurant, while we were eating, he started clapping and singing "if you're happy and you know it." My mom joined in. And they sang loudly. Loud enough for the entire restaurant to go quiet and stare. FML

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By dumpedtaco

Today, as I was planning my impending nuptials with my fiancé, my sister jokingly told him it's not too late to call it off. He took her seriously and bailed. He won’t answer my calls. FML

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By ABBenzin - United States

Today, I was breaking into a house when three police cruisers pulled up. They ran my social, my license plates, and asked me twenty minutes worth of questions, before allowing me to go back to work. I work as a locksmith; the homeowner had lost their keys. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, was my first day at school. I got kicked out of the class for imitating a monkey. I wasn't imitating a monkey... I was laughing. FML

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By walkingdictionary - Canada - Toronto

Today, a four-year-old said a word that I didn't know the meaning of. I had to look up the definition. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked in on my dad introducing his stuffed gorilla to his cat. FML

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By well i'm fucked - United States - Aberdeen

Today, my girlfriend of three weeks basically threatened to kill herself if I don't start thinking about having a child with her soon. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom went to a psychic. The reason? She has convinced herself that I'm gay, even though I've told her that I'm not and never have been. The psychic disagreed. Apparently, I'm bicurious with one of my guy friends. Guess who my mom believes? FML

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By Theresa - 26/10/2020 13:55

Sounds like a catch

Today, my ex called and said he still loved me. I said I’d move across the country to be with him. Then he said we could live in his dad’s house, so I can protect him from his sister’s best friend, who gave him chlamydia. At the end of call, he said he’s seeing someone and he likes her because she buys him gifts and food. FML

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By jeanrose2013 - United States - Jonesboro

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend when a guy walked up to me and told me I look exactly like Taylor Swift. My boyfriend punched him in the face and told him that Taylor Swift is a lot more attractive. I'm actually considering leaving him for the complete stranger. FML

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By MetalisLife

Today, I thought I died in the shower. I was very intensely playing air guitar while simultaneously headbanging. I punched myself in the dick. FML

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By cbad - United States

Today, I cut my finger with a plastic knife while demonstrating that you can't cut yourself with a plastic knife. FML

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By Nicole - United States

Today, I discovered my mom had sold all of our summer clothes over the winter on eBay because we're short on cash. However, I am allowed to cut off the sleeves of all my long sleeve shirts and the legs off my jeans to stay cool in the summer. Nothing's more attractive than looking trashy, right? FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Saint Leonards

Today, I shaved my pubes while staying at my senile grandma's place. I guess I didn't clean up properly, because she found some hair and insisted someone must have broken in while we were out and used the shower. I had to play along to spare myself embarrassment. FML

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By Lordy - Saudi Arabia

Today, I went to work to find a picture on my desk of me with my buttcrack showing put there by an anonymous person. FM

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By juliette - United States - Tucson

Today, I surprised my boyfriend with a bag containing condoms and sexy lingerie. He looks into it and says, "I hope you kept the receipt." FML

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By ktorih137 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I was dancing in the passenger seat of my car with my family when a cop pulled us over. He thought I was trying to flag him down for help. I guess I'm not as good of a dancer as I thought. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pretending to be an angry bear while babysitting a 3 year old boy, and an 19 month old girl. I was chasing them around the house having a great time. Just when I bent over to pick up his sister for a diaper change the 3 year old decided it was his turn. He bit me square on the ass. FML

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By ihaveissues

Today, the handle on our front door broke, leaving us unable to open it. We got a guy to come to sort it out, but all he succeeded in doing was completely wrecking the door. He says he can come back next week. We have no other way out of the house. FML

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Top comments

By arano | 29

#6515796 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:19

Fuck the kids life. I can't say I wouldn't have found it hilarious though.

By BalamCruz | 13

#6515802 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:23

Do you smell it? A kind of smelly smell... A smelly smell that smells smelly

COMMENTS

By arano | 29

#6515796 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:19

Fuck the kids life. I can't say I wouldn't have found it hilarious though.

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6515919 - Thursday 21 January 2016 3:57

No harm, no foul to you, except what escaped your ass...

By onlyme25 | 26

#6515799 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:21

Well who else could she have blame ( if she didn't know it was you)? Maybe the dog that wasn't there? Ha. :)

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6515979 - Thursday 21 January 2016 5:53

I bet she felt pretty stupid when she looked down his pants and realized he didn't do it!

By BalamCruz | 13

#6515802 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:23

Do you smell it? A kind of smelly smell... A smelly smell that smells smelly

britbear0731 | 9

#6515845 - Thursday 21 January 2016 1:17

what is this from??

hacksaw246 | 24

#6515854 - Thursday 21 January 2016 1:30

From the greediest crab to ever walk the sea floor.

fpants2010 | 18

#6515866 - Thursday 21 January 2016 1:52

*Wide eyed* ANCHOVIES!!

Lurmin | 12

#6516471 - Thursday 21 January 2016 19:53

Anyone have a Hydro-Dynamic spatula on them?

Technastar | 25

#6523069 - Friday 29 January 2016 7:24

Right here! With port and starboard attachments; and let's not forget the turbo drive!

By Zebediabolical | 39

#6515804 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:23

..and that's when you owned up to it, right OP?

nix1993 | 41

#6515871 - Thursday 21 January 2016 1:59

Like you would've done?

Zebediabolical | 39

#6515932 - Thursday 21 January 2016 4:23

Pissed, probably not.

Insanely pissed, absolutely.

countryb_cth | 38

#6516011 - Thursday 21 January 2016 7:33

I'm guessing OP was scared the mother would turn on him

Zebediabolical | 39

#6518721 - Sunday 24 January 2016 17:26

Better me than the kid, in my opinion. Especially for something that I know with absolute certainty isn't the kids fault. The blame game for farts is fine. Until someone starts flipping out.

By jarrahj | 19

#6515806 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:24

That's a shitty thing to do

LilMissCanadian | 22

#6515818 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:35

Here we go again

R2Y2 | 22

#6515992 - Thursday 21 January 2016 6:29

I give op props, fuck your pun

By ragnarok1540 | 39

#6515807 - Thursday 21 January 2016 0:25

If her kid shits his pants often enough that she would jump to that conclusion, one would think the kid would still be wearing diapers.

sillygirl247 | 14

#6515869 - Thursday 21 January 2016 1:57

Maybe they are potty training

MamaChey | 22

#6515987 - Thursday 21 January 2016 6:17

OP forgot to say the the kid is 12...

onlychildFTW | 33

#6516072 - Thursday 21 January 2016 10:33

Well he could have been wearing diapers under his pants. When I was younger I wore diapers but also wore pants! So if I took a dump in my diaper it was technically also in my pants.