Today, I went to the UK for the first time, and had the most...

By Wex - 9/1/2009 09:02 - Chile

Today, I went to the UK for the first time, and had the most amazing time with my girlfriend, catching it all on tape. When I got back to South America, I realized someone had stolen my camera. FML

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Miscellaneous

Messed up

Great speech, thanks!

Deep-seated resentment

By Goldo - 22/6/2009 20:06 - United States

Today, my boss hired a feng shui consultant for our small office space. I am the only full-time employee besides the owners, and I work as an unpaid intern. My company would rather pay someone to rearrange my desk than pay me to work at it. FML

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46032

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By saracenslament - 22/11/2016 11:47

Today, my relationship with my family is so bad that when someone burst into my house without ringing the doorbell, my first assumption was, "Oh God I hope it's not my mum visiting!" rather than, "Oh God, it's a burglar!" It was actually my mother-in-law, and I was truly relieved. FML

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10586

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By Nasty - 25/4/2016 16:59 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, while watching home videos with my family, I saw a clip of me as an infant attempting to breast feed from my father while he laughed uncontrollably. Now, my son keeps sneaking his baby brother's head under my shirt while I'm asleep. The last time he actually began to suckle. FML

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12803

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By TheJeremyMoe - 11/8/2019 14:00 - United States

Today, my bike was stolen. Partially. Since I always locked it up, some asswipe thought it would be funny to steal the handlebar stem and the seat, leaving the actual handlebar dangling by the brake cables. Since there was no way to steer or sit, I had to carry my bike one mile back to my dorm. FML

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By wheatsnake - 8/10/2009 13:31 - Australia

Today, I took my new laptop into my house from my car, thinking it would be a too much of a target for kids grabbing it. I came home tonight to find my door kicked in, my laptop gone and my TV ripped from the wall. FML

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39055

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2010 15:59 - United States

Today, I lost my job to a girl that graduated with the same bachelor's degree from the same college as me. She also got a master's in an unrelated field. I've been working there 7 months, and her master's in maths apparently makes her a better athletic trainer than me. FML

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By financially_wreckd - 21/12/2014 00:53

Today, thanks to some asswipe drunk driver fleeing the cops the wrong way down a one-way street, I've now had my third wreck this year. My insurance premium's now higher than Bob Marley in a weed factory. FML

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36427

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By noway6000 - 3/3/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, my parents left for work before I had to leave for school and I decided to skip. I stayed by the phone, expecting the school to call so I could pose as my parent and excuse my absence. The phone rings and I pick up. It's my Mom, calling to leave my dad a message on the machine. FML

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By NotTilly - 10/3/2010 14:54 - United States

Today, I met my boyfriend's extended family. His grandpa was apparently senile, as he kept calling me "Tilly" and asking me to dance. His relatives thought this hilarious and busted out the video camera. Later, I learned his grandpa is not senile at all - the family was playing a joke on me. FML

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By not amused - 19/5/2016 09:01 - Ireland - Cork

Today, my dad woke me up in a panic at five to ten in the morning, because he couldn't figure out how to type the "@" in an e-mail address. FML

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12861

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By Sleep Walking - 23/1/2009 18:51 - United States

Today, I found out that after drunkenly falling asleep at a guy's house, I not only slept-walked in his house, but I went upstairs into his parents room. And used their bathroom. I don't remember any of this, but his mom does. FML

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By - 25/1/2009 12:36 - France

Today, a ball rolled up to me, so I picked it up and threw it over the school wall. A little boy who was behind me asked for his ball back. It's Sunday and the school is closed. FML

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9316

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2011 06:24 - United States

Today, I was sitting in Walmart and I saw an attractive woman walking by. Being the single guy I am, I went up to her and asked if she needed help with carrying her groceries. She responded with "You know I'm a guy right?" FML

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By anonymous - 5/4/2011 18:13 - United States

Today, I spent six hours driving between two airports to try and catch my flight. Two trailer accidents, two construction zones, three detours, and one police escort later, the airline wouldn't let me on the plane. FML

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38863

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By froyo - 26/2/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I knew my girlfriend was having a bad day. I went to bring her frozen yogurt at work because she loves it. When I was in the elevator, I overheard her colleague saying that the reason she was upset was because she had been cheating on her boyfriend with her new intern. FML

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By FranchezDeVista - 30/8/2015 18:29 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was talking to my mom about my issues with my girlfriend. While she was sympathizing, she slowly picked up my wallet, took $100 and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2016 20:24 - United States - Honolulu

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom. I was there with the lights out when something ran across my foot. I freaked out, tried to kick it off, and ended up smashing my foot into the side of the tub. FML

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By fucktheearth - 20/4/2016 03:32 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was sitting at my desk when out of nowhere I had a "silent sneeze attack". Someone in the office called the paramedics because they thought I was having a seizure. This is the third time this has happened this week. FML

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21364

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By ewwy - 10/10/2010 06:54 - United States

Today, I returned a friends jacket after borrowing it. I made sure to wash it and keep it clean. When he went to put it on, a pair of my granny panties fell out of the sleeve. FML

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By AAA guy - 4/2/2015 16:02 - United States

Today, while on the job I accidentally locked my keys and all of my equipment in the car. I work for the AAA. FML

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31228

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By tinypenis - 4/6/2013 12:15 - United States - Jamaica

Today, while sexting my girlfriend, I accidently sent a picture to her father instead of her. He sent back a link to a penis enlargement company's website. FML

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By AwkwardPotato - 2/7/2013 02:37 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, my mom signed me up for a swimming class to show my sister there's nothing to be afraid of. Considering I'm 17, I assumed I'd be in an advanced class. Instead, I get to spend summer blowing bubbles in the shallow end with four-year-olds as my little sister cheers me on from the steps. FML

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By weeping_willow - 1/6/2020 08:00

Cheeky little bastards

Today, the kids that live down the street had a yard sale in my yard while I wasn’t home. They sold a bunch of my daughter's toys, that I now have to replace. FML

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1582

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By footyfallout - 16/8/2009 05:17 - Canada

Today, I finished writing the most perfect love letter for this girl at summer school. At the end of the letter I signed: Your secret admirer. Cute, right? Not really. Turns out I was so anxious to finish the letter that I ended up writing my name at the bottom. FML

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13117

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By Leaving Early Fail - 12/1/2009 20:34 - United States

Today, moments after leaving early, my boss emails me asking if I'm in the office. After an illegal U-turn, running a stop sign, parking in a visitor spot, and sneaking back to my desk, I find out she was locked out of the building but had since found her keys and let herself back in. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2019 02:02

Today, some asshat thought it would be funny to put a second lock on my locker. FML

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By dukemisery - 1/10/2016 05:34 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I was glad to find out that all the bedbugs have been eaten. Now I have a spider infestation. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2014 17:59 - United States - Imperial

Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML

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By Andy - 27/2/2019 02:00

Today, while jetlagged and going through customs in Singapore, I grabbed what I thought was a pen to fill out the form. I heard it squeak as I lifted it up. It was a straw in the custom agent's drink. The resulting noise he made lasted 10+ seconds. FML

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1862

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2012 22:13 - Denmark

Today, I saw a naked man for the first time in my life. It was the nude model in my art class. I was forced to draw wrinkles and fat rolls in places I didn't even know existed. FML

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32544

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By Alien - 29/12/2016 11:07 - Switzerland

Today, after dating this girl for 3 months, I finally introduced her to my friends. She looked panicked during the date, and after it she broke up with me. When I asked why, she told me she could try to deal with a black friend, but not with a gay one. I've been dating a moron all this time. FML

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25964

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By Nickolas Neffster - 5/10/2011 00:14 - United States

Today, I bought my girlfriend a very expensive necklace. I gave it to her thinking she'd be extremely happy. Instead she was mad at me because my gift for our anniversary was better than hers. FML

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33965

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, my roommate hooked up with a guy she met at a party. After telling me about it, she says to me, "Maybe next time we go out we'll hit someone over the head and drag him back here for you." Apparently the only way I can get a guy is if he's unconscious. FML

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49811

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By Project-Mayhem - 2/12/2009 10:57 - United States

Today, my family went to the Christmas tree farm, and cut down the perfect tree. When we got home we put the kids down for a nap and took some time to relax. We went out to the truck to bring the tree into the house, it was gone. Someone stole my Christmas tree from my driveway in broad daylight. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/6/2009 19:39 - United States

Today, my dad decided to clean out my car and "accidentally" threw away my $520 tax refund check. FML

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53031

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By oldschool - 23/1/2010 02:10 - United States

Today, I was picking up my little sister from school and while waiting I decided to have a smoke. I was caught and was told to go to the principal's office. I'm 23. FML

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17325

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2011 22:57 - United States

Today, a kid grabbed the receiver to my cochlear implant and ran off with it. I went to a security guard, and, if my lip reading was accurate, he said to "try and make it through the day without it". Without it, I can't hear anything. FML

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40209

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By samabomination - 2/6/2013 08:29 - United States - Monroeville

Today, my step-dad's three year old granddaughter slept over. She insisted she didn't need a diaper to go to sleep and they put her in my bed with me, actually believing that she didn't need a diaper. Not only did she kick me all night, but I had the joy of waking up to her peeing on me. FML

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50050

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2013 00:51 - United States - Buffalo

Today, my boyfriend let me be the first one to read the novel he dropped out of college to write. Turns out it's titled "A Brief History of Ass" and is an incoherent ramble about every time we've had anal sex. FML

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57577

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2020 07:01 - United Kingdom

Landlords are social parasites

Today, in the middle of a pandemic, which has made it impossible for me to get a job for the last 4 months, my landlord has decided the one thing I need is a rental increase. FML

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Top comments

By JFox | 8

#21120 - Sunday 8 March 2009 8:55

Ouch! Let's hope no one posts them...

By oopsie_daisy8446 | 0

#506500 - Saturday 22 August 2009 5:10

Holy shit, sorry OP. I'm just picturing that happening to me, but fuck it, let her butt-fuck you. It'll be amazing and you'll forget all about the theft.

COMMENTS

By JFox | 8

#21120 - Sunday 8 March 2009 8:55

Ouch! Let's hope no one posts them...

Boomi | 38

#6686859 - Saturday 10 September 2016 7:17

Chances are someone will...

By Fcukmywholelife | 0

#300541 - Saturday 13 June 2009 11:23

That sucks =(

By vooper | 0

#329014 - Monday 22 June 2009 5:45

Well sir, your bound to find it on your own eventually.

By oopsie_daisy8446 | 0

#506500 - Saturday 22 August 2009 5:10

Holy shit, sorry OP. I'm just picturing that happening to me, but fuck it, let her butt-fuck you. It'll be amazing and you'll forget all about the theft.

By mrdecay | 2

#581908 - Wednesday 23 September 2009 15:29

welcome to the uk.

By dacman48 | 0

#761632 - Friday 8 January 2010 6:33

ur just mad cause u lost all ur homemade porn

By Shamzzz | 0

#849745 - Friday 12 February 2010 23:43

You can't exactly tape memories I think. You think memories and tape memorable events.

By gomego87 | 0

#927772 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 5:54

OMG! so it was your camera I found in the UK the other day.. jksjks

By zezjo | 3

#977568 - Sunday 11 April 2010 3:46

Wait... did they have sex on camera? Or just visited places etc.?

AkDreamer5 | 0

#1718224 - Thursday 18 November 2010 13:53

win:)

By NeatNit | 32

#979758 - Wednesday 14 April 2010 12:58

That's hardly an FML, you still have the memories.