By naomi3271

Loud fart

Today, I was accidentally scared my one year-old son with my huge, smelly fart that was really loud. He now won't come near me without crying. FML

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The smell detective is on the case

#1 Dad of the day

"Based on your purchase history…"

By MsGamerLady - 8/11/2020 17:02 - United States

In-laws, in-fighting

Today, like every time I visit the in-laws, my father-in-law is driving me crazy. He gets all holier than thou sometimes, and even my mother-in-law agrees he just talks to hear himself speak. It gets so bad that I resort to cleaning their house to ignore him. At least then he leaves me alone. Starting their dishes in 5. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - White Plains

Today, my husband asked our tax professional if we could file my profession as "Expert Dream Murderer." I'm a guidance counselor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, I'm still freshly circumcised. My penis is still very sensitive, and I can't squat to grab stuff off the floor because of the pressure against my jeans. Kicking the objects up into my hands was working well, that is until I spilled a pack of 300 toothpicks all over the floor. FML

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By Deadpool434 - Ireland - Dublin

Well played

Today, I found a book in my attic that I always read when I was a kid. For old times' sake I read it again. On the very first page, child me had written, "Go to page 15" so I did. On page 15, in big red letters, it said, "Get bent." I got pranked by myself. FML

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By Katrina641 - France

Today, I realized that I get more turned on by my exercise bike than my boyfriend of 4 years. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while I was doing my job as a groundskeeper, a couple of kids wearing MAGA hats threw garbage and rocks at me, then told me to "go back where you came from". I'm American, but I guess my beard makes me look like an immigrant or something, as this isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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By lovehurts - United States - Wayne

Today, I was hanging out with a guy I like. We climbed a tree to watch the sunset, and as the sun went down, I kissed him. He fell out of the tree. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a long overdue vacation to France with my husband and young daughter. As revenge for an earlier prank, my sister has apparently taught my daughter to swear profusely in French. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Olney

Today, my car got towed. My money is in my car and they won't let me open my car to get money until my car is "released". FML

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By AwkwardMoments

Today, while napping on the couch, I had a very vivid dream about a girl I like. I woke up to my mother and father choking back laughter and recording me on their phones. I don't know what's worse: waking up with a boner in front of my parents or finding out I was also talking dirty in my sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found pictures in my boyfriend's phone of our dog eating treats out of my mouth while I'm sleeping. FML

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By broken down and flat broke - United States - Alexandria

Today, I had the lovely experience of witnessing a tow truck cause a couple thousand dollars' worth of damage to my broken-down car. FML

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By socks - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Monday madness

Today, I noticed I'd mislaid one half of the "Monday" pair of socks from my "Days of the week" set that were a gift for my birthday. I'm slightly OCD. I think I'm going to rip the floorboards up if I don't find it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was texting while making dinner. I went to pour the noodles into the boiling water and I dropped my phone in. Not thinking, I went to retrieve it from the water. I now have a completely useless phone and a useless hand. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, while waiting for a doctors appointment, my husband started playing angry birds. Continually losing the game ended up raising his blood pressure to the point where he now has to have his medication changed. The new medication is $100 copay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Antonio

Today, I found out my boyfriend sleeps on a Princess Leia pillow. He's 22. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2021 02:58 - Australia - Melbourne

Bad, bad mom

Today, I got home from work a few hours early to find my mum cheating, right in the middle of the act. So much for a nice afternoon off. FML

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By rojin12 - United States

Today, I tried to close my desk drawer by hitting it with my hip, like they do in the movies. Everything on my desk fell off. FML

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By jelrid - United States - Holt

Today, my worst fears were realized as an insect pinged off the back of my mouth while I was singing along to the radio on my motorcycle. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was eating jell-o and was reading a fact website, when I read that gelatin is made from the collagen in cow or pig bones. I'm vegetarian. FML

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By Lenny_R

Today, I got pulled over for having an expired registration. I also found out my husband hasn't been paying for my car insurance. Luckily, I didn't get arrested because I had my baby with me. They towed my car and gave me 2 tickets and a court date. Oh, and the cop sent me a friend request. FML

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By justinherass - Canada

Today, while lying in bed with my girlfriend and she was grabbing the fat on my stomach I said to her "stop touching my fat". She replied "so don't touch you at all?" FML

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By Henry

How is that fair?

Today, I was promoted as an auditor at an insurance company. After finding 9 compliance violations and over $15,000 returned incorrectly, I reported them to my manager. She blamed me for all the mistakes and fired me. These mistakes happened two years before I was employed with the company. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Paris

Today, my 7-year-old son proudly announced that he had laid an egg during the night. I checked. He'd simply shat the bed. FML

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By icandothecancan - United States - Duncan

Today, while in the yard, my 18-month-old son decided to take off running into the road, where a car was driving. I rushed after him, only for one of my dress straps to suddenly break without warning. It must have looked like I was trying to flag down the driver with my flailing tit. FML

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By Boo - United Kingdom

Today, my new neighbor informed me with great relish that the house I have just bought is haunted because 30 years ago a man shot himself in the kitchen. I'm now paying a huge mortgage on a house I'm frightened to be alone in. FML

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By s3xygrandpa - United States - Palm Harbor

Today, despite my fear of using public restrooms, I was forced to anyway to avoid my bladder exploding. I was finally getting over it when someone stuck their head under the stall to "see if someone's in there". I'm scared more now than I was before. FML

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By Come on - United States

Today, I was sitting on a bus. I'm deaf. An old lady looked very angry at me and started talking. Then she looked like she was screaming. I had to type on my phone that I'm deaf. Apparently, I'd been stepping on her foot. She decided to poke me in the eye and type, "Now you're blind too." FML

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By Anonymous

Too much of a good thing

Today, I finally found a job as a secretary for a small film studio. The sets are in a soundproofed part of the building, but not for the typical reasons. Right through the wall is a pornography studio. It's all I'll hear from 8 to 5 every day. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a stuffed ferret was the latest addition to the list of weird items my colleagues have found in our rubbish tip, and that they put in my office. The list also includes explicit fetish porn playing cards, live ammo and dead pheasants, to name a few. I need a new job. FML

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By Peppered and Zapped

Appropriate force

Today, I'm recovering from being pepper-sprayed, beat with a baton and Tased, and arrested for assault. I'm a bouncer and was trying to remove a drunk asshole from the bar when the police showed up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Apache Junction

Today, I was at a bus stop making small talk with a really nice girl, when all of a sudden some kids let off firecrackers behind me. I shrieked like a little girl and practically jumped into her lap. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I got suspended from work after getting caught reading a work-related FML. Irony is funny, but it doesn't pay the bills. FML

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By Alex - United States - Monterey Park

Today, my wife, being very considerate, bought me a new phone for my birthday. That would be fine and dandy if cops didn't enter my house and say I stole it. Turns out my wife payed $900 from MY credit card to the person who stole the phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Whittier

Today, my manager made everyone put up Christmas decorations around the store. As well as this, we're going to have Christmas music playing on repeat all the way through to January. It's not even September yet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I didn't have plans on shaving my pubic hair. My girlfriend's braces thought otherwise. FML

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By Flighted - Canada - Georgetown

Today, I had to suffer through a four hour flight beside my ex. Yesterday, I proposed, on the last day of our vacation. She said no. FML

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By madzlovesgee - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were "fooling around." It started to get hot and he took out his penis for the first time. This was the first one I've seen in real life so I decided I'd complimented it. I had no idea what to say so I said, "It's pretty." FML

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By oopsie

Today, I got diarrhea. During sex. I didn’t even make it out of the bed. FML

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By future teacher - Paraguay - Fernando De La Mora

Today, I was observing a children's class as a part of a training program. The teacher asked me to take one kid to the nurse's office because she wasn't feeling well. As soon as we step outside, I slip and fall down, taking the little girl with me. FML

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Top comments

By TCRII | 29

#7860375 - Monday 18 November 2019 21:35

Try to get him to understand that he should never trust a fart, but he should always trust his farter (father). Maybe use the Darth Vader voice - Luke, I am you Farter. Good luck.

By Cowgirl1293 | 24

#7860485 - Tuesday 19 November 2019 9:32

This is way to funny! must have been one epic fart!

COMMENTS

By TCRII | 29

#7860375 - Monday 18 November 2019 21:35

Try to get him to understand that he should never trust a fart, but he should always trust his farter (father). Maybe use the Darth Vader voice - Luke, I am you Farter. Good luck.

Reply

manb91gb | 14

#7860507 - Tuesday 19 November 2019 10:49

With a name like Naomi, I'm pretty sure Darth Farter the father in this situation

By AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7860425 - Monday 18 November 2019 23:54

Oh I'm definitely sorry to hear that. Maybe have someone have fun time face to face with him then put in your lap hiding who you are. Once he's there and happy let him see he's on your lap and you are good to go :)

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7860446 - Tuesday 19 November 2019 2:45

😱😱😱😱😱😱😱🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤢🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮

By Cowgirl1293 | 24

#7860485 - Tuesday 19 November 2019 9:32

This is way to funny! must have been one epic fart!

By skippydoda | 32

#7860548 - Tuesday 19 November 2019 13:17

My son giggles whenever someone farts.

By J15237 | 23

#7860975 - Thursday 21 November 2019 1:51

As a father that is actually really hilarious. I wouldn't worry about it. It will pass in time. Seriously though really funny. Not much of an FML for you, but it would be one for your kid.