Miscellaneous: Today, as usual, I went to pick up my brother and sister from... - FML

By Gimmie a spare - United States - Memphis

Today, as usual, I went to pick up my brother and sister from school in the rain. When we got to my truck, I realized I had locked us out. We had to walk home in the rain, only to find the spare house key had not been put back in its spot since the last time it was used. FML

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Mummy's boy

Unimpressed

Nags

By Rella

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the 69 position with me on top and as we changed positions, and I turned to face him, I saw toilet paper on his face that he didn't seem to notice and that I casually had to wipe off his face. FML

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By scarred for life - Canada - Brampton

Today, as a pizza delivery guy, I was forced to see yet another naked 200 pound teenage girl with a serious case of body acne. They're starting to give me nightmares. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to the hairdresser on a spur of the moment decision to get a quick wash and cut. 45 painful minutes and $180 later, I honestly don't know if anything was actually done to my hair. FML

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By noosher0990

Today, I found out that my neighbor gets more pleasure out of me and my husband having it off then I do. FML

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By Maggie

Nice mental image

Today, I had no choice but to unclog a toilet with my bare hands. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, I woke up to noises from downstairs. I practically pissed my pants and called the cops. Turned out it was just my cat being a dickhead in the living room. FML

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By gumchuck - United States - Marshall

Today, in an effort to avoid my school's strict no-gum policy as my teacher made a b-line to me, I swallowed it. By the time the teacher reached me, the gum was on my desk, as well as my breakfast, thanks to my overactive gag reflex. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Tranent

Today, I was invited to my friend's wedding. I wouldn't mind, but she chose her now fiancé over me, despite him being in prison for assault, a heroin addict and a general dick. This was all because I accidentally called her stupid three years ago. FML

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By Wowsers. - United Kingdom

Today, I was woken up by my own fart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend woke up in the middle of the night, crying. When I asked her why, she said that she had a dream where we were getting married. FML

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By jbhadafuckedupday

Today, my 3-year-old came to me very excited because he had gone to the bathroom by himself for the first time. What he did not tell me was that he had shit on the floor, and when I went into the bathroom to check, I slipped on a turd and knocked myself out on the sink. FML

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By Kaz - United States

Today, I snuck out to see my girlfriend in the middle of the night. When I got to her house, I decided to throw a rock at her window to wake her up. It broke a hole in the window. FML

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By isuckatlife - United States

Today, while changing my tampon in the stall of my high school's bathroom, I lost control of the plastic applicator. The blood-covered apparatus shot out like a rocket underneath the stall door. For a moment I thought no one noticed, then the screaming began. FML

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By help - Malta - Naxxar

Today, I finally got a restraining order against my violent ex. My mom now keeps finding ways to tell me how shitty I am for breaking the "poor boy's" heart and how I didn't deserve him anyway. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was dared to walk home through a rough part of town. My rep hung in the balance, so I accepted. A kid kicked a football in my direction, so I kicked it back at him hard. It hit him in the nuts, and the next thing I know, I'm running for my life from three bald, shirtless, six-packed thugs. FML

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By nopleasestopmother - United States - Lake Mills

Today, my mother asked me why I disliked her and my father's nakedness in the family pool. FML

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By Ihavealisp - United States

Today, I fell down some steps, and my dad laughed at me. He then changed his facebook status to "My kid's an idiot." FML

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By goodlord12 - United States - Branson

Today, I let my friend bleach my hair, which resulted in it falling out in clumps. I spent $150 at the beauty salon fixing it and cutting most of it off. I sent the pictures of my new hair to my friends, and I got the same reply from each and every one of them: "That better be a wig." FML

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By shit... - United States

Today, I sent out my monthly curriculum list to the parents of the kids in my math class so they can see what their children will be learning. I usually end my e-mails with the phrase 'math is power'. Now, 154 parents got an e-mail saying 'meth is power'. FML

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By wellthatsawkward - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over for the first time to meet my family. The night consisted of my sisters hiding in a tent and chasing us around in it, my parents singing songs from 'The Lion King' opera-style and throwing cheese at him. Pretty sure he's freaked out. FML

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By onehitwonder

Balls

Today, it snowed a lot and my friends and I went outside for a walk. Someone drove by and threw a snowball at me, hitting me square in the face. Surprised, I side-stepped only to end up losing balance and roll down a hill into a ditch full of prickly bushes. FML

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By Shitty genes, no two ways about it. - Australia - Perth

Today, my son had to help out at the local retirement home for his community service. He got in serious trouble and came whining to me about it after he tried threatening some of the residents into taking part in a Harlem Shake video. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Remus

Today, my sister brought me coffee to my office. It was really nice so I made a status about it on Facebook. My boyfriend texted me soon after, freaking out because I never put anything on Facebook about him and how great he is. I'm basically dating a 14-year-old girl. FML

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By Party Pooper - United States

Today, my housemates are throwing a huge house party to celebrate finishing their finals. It's 4:30am and people are still arriving. I have my last final in 3 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out that I am bleeding from my cervix and must refrain from having sex for the next two weeks. My fiancé pointedly asked if my cervix has anything to do with my mouth. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, they were handing out free razors in the mall. I went up to get my free sample, but the woman just smiled and said, "Sorry honey, they're sharp, and not for children." I'm 25. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met this really nice guy at the mall and he gave me his number. Later that night, I texted him. We got on the subject of food, and I started talking about how much I love veal. He responded with saying I was supporting animal murder, that I should go to hell and lose his number. FML

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By Annonymous - United States

Today, an exterminator sprayed for cockroaches in my dorm room. After classes I got back to find three large cockroaches on top of my bed. Now that the exterminator has sprayed everything, all the cockroaches are coming out. FML

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By Starchyld - Canada

Today, I went on blind date with a guy because both our moms thought we'd like eachother. Things were going really well until I got up to go to the bathroom and he says: "My mom was right, you do have perfect breedin' hips!" FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2021 23:59 - New Zealand - Wellington

Empathy

Today, I had a miscarriage. My partner doesn't understand why I'm upset, saying, "It wasn't even a real baby yet." FML

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By NoThanks - United States

Today, an old lady came to the bank where I worked at to apply for a loan. She obviously didn't qualify for one as she has no income coming in. She looked so pitiful, so I changed a couple of her information so she could. She reported me and I got fired. FML

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By scratchy

Today, my "friend" put itching powder in my cast while I was sleeping. FML

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By JellyBite - Iceland - Akureyri

Today, my boyfriend told me that he was going to take a nap. When I asked him why he wanted to take a nap in the middle of the day, he said, "To make time go by faster." He's leaving in 9 days. We're going to be 3,000 miles apart. For a long time. FML

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By dragonstooth257

Today, I'm so bad at people skills when I got a call to set up a job interview, I weirded the lady out so much that she trailed off when talking about emailing me a time. This took 2 minutes to achieve. A new record. I still haven't got an email. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I fell asleep while watching a movie. My puppy took this opportunity to help himself to half a gallon of vegetable oil. FML

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By DED - United States - Eugene

Today, I found out that a co-worker has been promoted to Store Manager. She has been here for less than 6 months, and I have been with the company for 10 years. Guess who has been training her for the last 6 months. FML

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By IHateMyLife - 1/2/2021 08:01

Best birthday ever!

Today, it was my birthday. My boyfriend had promised that the day would belong to me. But no, I had to drive 80 km forth and back to pick him up from work, then he took pictures with his new camera lens, then he decided what to eat, demanded a massage and then he just fell asleep. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By thankful

Today, I was tripped downstairs as a "joke" by my little brother. When I was yelling in pain from my broken arm, my mom was lecturing me to be thankful "one goddamn day a year". She also thinks I'm lying just to hide that I'm clumsy and my brother is innocent. He won't admit it. Happy Thanksgiving. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a long overdue vacation to France with my husband and young daughter. As revenge for an earlier prank, my sister has apparently taught my daughter to swear profusely in French. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the landscaping job I started three weeks ago is actually for an illicit business run by a hippie who pissed away the entire payroll to fund his drug habit. He has no way of coughing up the $900 he owes me. I'm broke as hell, and my electricity is now going to get cut off. FML

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Top comments

By hipposteve | 21

#6584359 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:45

Some people feel the rain, others get wet.

By saxaddict122 | 14

#6584332 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:18

On the bright side you get to live out that lifelong dream of kicking in a door. Might as well do a B&E while you're in there!

COMMENTS

By saxaddict122 | 14

#6584332 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:18

On the bright side you get to live out that lifelong dream of kicking in a door. Might as well do a B&E while you're in there!

Reply

momo3p | 22

#6589480 - Tuesday 26 April 2016 19:18

Lmao

By DeadxManxWalking | 27

#6584336 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:20

might as well try the window since it seems someone is likely to forget to lock them

By awildwhisper | 30

#6584337 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:22

At least you got a good adventure out of it and a story for future years. I hope you had neighbors to stay at till the rain stopped.

By cacheson | 41

#6584340 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:24

Sounds like this is turning into a pattern...

By EnJey0 | 19

#6584342 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:24

Who else thought he'd find he's car keys in his pocket or something when he got home?

By hipposteve | 21

#6584359 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:45

Some people feel the rain, others get wet.

Reply

Coland | 19

#6584418 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 17:47

But only you can feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you.

Reply

UserError94 | 18

#6584665 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 21:26

Tear*

By UH60 | 26

#6584372 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:56

Back when I was in highschool, I walked home only to find that the house key was similarly not in the usual spot. Parents didn't get home from work until almost 10 at night so I had to pee in my bushless/treeless back yard and bake in the 120 degree Texas summer sun :(

Reply

Mike3258 | 18

#6584679 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 21:47

and you didn't think of going to a neighbors house? or were you like me and it was a distance.

By Squallleon | 12

#6584373 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:56

was there no possibility of calling roadside service to unlock your car?

By BDanzeisen | 20

#6584374 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:57

Do you have any neighbors that'll let you in?

By DeathofCareBear | 21

#6584375 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:58

I like your username.