Miscellaneous: Today, as usual, I went to pick up my brother and sister from... - FML

By Gimmie a spare - United States - Memphis

Today, as usual, I went to pick up my brother and sister from school in the rain. When we got to my truck, I realized I had locked us out. We had to walk home in the rain, only to find the spare house key had not been put back in its spot since the last time it was used. FML

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KoBabe

Gas giant

Workaholic

By Anonymous - United States - Carrollton

Today, my wife and I had a fight, which I thought we resolved. Later, while painting the kitchen, I told her to change into an old shirt she didn't care about. She made a huge show of putting her wedding gown on, veil and all. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during a review session for a botany class, I began to space out. Then, I started to go, "beep, beep, beep, beep." I stopped when I noticed the entire class staring at me as if I were insane. This was not the first time this had happened. FML

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By Danny - Australia

Today, my mother came home from the grocery store with a 20kg bag of carrots, and nothing else. She then informed me that, for as long as my girlfriend and I keep 'going at it like rabbits', she would be feeding me like one. FML

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By BassGuy - United States

Today, I went onto my band's MySpace just to check if we had any new comments or anything like that and I noticed that I was listed as a past member. Nobody ever told me I was replaced. FML

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By Amy - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I got paper thrown at me because I didn't agree with my classmate's conspiracy theory that Brian Griffin's death was planned by the illuminati. FML

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By Disney - United States

Today, I found out that to save on expenses, my wife booked a very small hotel room for ourselves and the kids while we visit Disney World. I've been officially cockblocked by Mickey Mouse. FML

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By duckthehack - Poland

Today, my 14 year old son got suspended and I had to pay for the damage after he sprayed "FUCK THE POLICE" on the back wall of his school. I'm a policeman. FML

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By Someguy - Belgium

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to declare my love to the girl I have a crush on. I guess I shouldn't have gone and kissed her without warning, because now my face is covered with slap marks, and I had to explain myself at the police station for sexual harassement. FML

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By Pepsi - 6/9/2020 14:02 - United States

Social reform, please

Today, I saw my grandfather kick my dog, who is a 6-pound chihuahua, across the room. When I confronted him about it, he screamed at me for having "too much sex during the apocalypse" and "invading my brain with your pancakes." This man is my legal guardian for 3 more years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westminster

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. It was also the first time he'd ever had sex. How could I tell? He cried all the way through, and called his parents right after. FML

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By noname - Canada

Today, I was mad at my mother. Why? We went to parent-teacher interviews, and she told my math teacher that she should allow bathroom breaks because I have a "very heavy menstrual flow." My teacher suggested I eat more red meat. They got into a seven-minute argument about this. FML

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By gemtas5 - Sweden - Malm?

Today, while sorting through my clothes, I found one of my ex's old sweaters. After a lot of thought and difficulty, I threw it out. I felt empowered, until my father later rifled through my trash and claimed the sweater for himself. FML

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By homelesslyf - Australia - Clayton

Today, I was kicked out of my aunt's house for being 15 minutes late for her to pick me up. She told me she doesn't want me to come home and left me in a panicked mess. My sister and brother are on her side and refuse to talk to me. I'm now couch surfing. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my psychiatrist said, "Well, good luck." at the end of my appointment. FML

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By meeks123 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I was arrested for drinking in public. It was my friend who was drinking; I was taking the alcohol from her so she wouldn't be arrested. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2020 05:01

The road to hell, good intentions, all that jazz

Today, in the process of leaning over the sink to close the drain so my diamond earrings wouldn't fall in as I put them on, I dropped my diamond earring down the drain. FML

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By owies :( - United States

Today, I was trying to replace the lightbulb in my bedroom. Since I couldn't reach it by myself, I grabbed and stood on a chair. After I got two broken bones, and had stitches in my forehead, I figured that using a chair with wheels probably wasn't the best idea after all. FML

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By anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out that I can get my girlfriend to make more sex noises by massaging her back than I can by actually having sex with her. FML

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By JadeC - United States

Today, I was fired. For "lack of attention to details", specifically spelling errors. My now ex-boss misspelled the name of his own company on my severance agreement. FML

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By baffleduncle - Canada - Montreal

Today, I listened to my niece explain to me, in great detail, that the Titanic never sank, and that the year it supposedly did was a prediction of 9/11. She learned all of this from some whackjob conspiracy theory videos, and acts like she's an expert now as a result. FML

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By in big trouble - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had an argument with my boss and tried to text a friend about it. I accidentally texted my boss instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lafayette

Today, I found the purse that some asshat stole from my 15-year-old sister a few days ago. I found it in my now ex-boyfriend's closet. When I confronted him, he broke up with me for "invading" his privacy and kicked me out, without the purse. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I took my girlfriend skydiving for her birthday. I insisted on joining her to make it a memory for us both, despite my fear of heights. I passed out twice mid-freefall and had to be saved by the instructor both times. FML

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By dunnough - United States

Today, I went to the bagel shop down the street for breakfast, the same one I've been going to for over 6 months now. At the counter the same lil' cook guy who's served me over those same 6 months, looks at me and says, "Yes, Ms?". I'm a guy. FML

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By CALIdime_15 - United States

Today, I watched my boyfriend have a full on conversation with his penis. He also talks to his penis nicer than he talks to me. FML

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By jcheer113 - United States

Today, while I was driving, I saw my driving instructor from high school walking on the sidewalk. As I waved to him, I rear-ended the car in front of me. Guess I really showed him how much I learned from him. FML

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By forest killer girl

Today, I went out with a friendly guy who's very passionate about the environment and everything was going fine until he asked about my job. I work as a clerk in a plantation company. He went from Mr. Daydream to Mr. Scary because the company I work for is destroying the forest. FML

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By ElleSavage

Today, I finally found a dress I'd been missing for months. It was in a casket, on my recently deceased cousin. FML

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By ProsserBabe11 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my brother why he can't go on dates with my new boyfriend and me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that getting an awesome new phone with all the new bells and whistles doesn't mean that people will now actually want to talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2020 14:00

So selfish

Today, my family yelled at me for being a "selfish disappointment." My crime? Not being able to help my sister's boyfriend do his homework while I'm working on my class finals. FML

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By El Camino - United States

Today, I parked in a different lot because the one I usually park in was full. When I came back later, a bumper sticker was stuck to the windshield that said, "INCONSIDERATE F***, DON'T PARK HERE AGAIN!" To make matters worse, it was stuck on with a special type of glue, so it can't be removed. FML

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By bullsonyourface

Bread is serious stuff

Today, it's my 6-year anniversary with my fiance, but due to a lot of different family issues, I had to drive 9 hours with my dad to go visit them. Long story short, there was a giant argument about bread, my dad stormed out and I'm left to deal with this shit storm. FML

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By nomorebeard - United States

Today, I was shaving off my beard for the first time in a very long time. I decided to have a little fun with it, and shaved my beard first into a goatee, then a handle-bar, then, finally, into a Hitler mustache. My electric razor dies. I don't have a normal one or an extra battery. FML

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By Misunderstood Waitress - United States

Today, I was waitressing for a huge family. Their bill was $750. Excited about the tip, I was shocked to see only $0.50. As they were leaving, I threw the two whole quarters at their heads. Guess who also got fired today. FML

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By cassieono - United States - Springfield

Today, I nearly had an anxiety attack trying to sneak up on my sister to silly-string her. FML

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By fuckit - Italy - Rome

Today, my pants ripped while I was at work. I had to keep my balls to the wall while I dodged customers and edged ever closer to the break room. Before I could call my wife and ask her to bring a new pair, my boss burst in, got pissed, and made me go back out and deal with irate customers. FML

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By Jeremy - United States

Awkward

Today, I was getting it on with a girl I've been talking to for three months. She's a year younger than me and it was her first time. So, I went easy. After five minutes she started crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she said I remind her of her dad. FML

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By loverofstrife - United States

Today, on my break, I decided to be friendly and chat with a co-worker that everyone else always seems to avoid. He spent the next ten minutes telling me all about his abcessing sebaceous cysts. Apparently, "The scars look just like gunshot wounds." FML

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By Crushed

Today, I finally got past my anxiety and confessed my feelings to the guy I like and have been intimate with. He responded that he just still wants to be close friends with me and still bang me monogamously but with no relationship... FML

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Top comments

By hipposteve | 21

#6584359 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:45

Some people feel the rain, others get wet.

By saxaddict122 | 14

#6584332 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:18

On the bright side you get to live out that lifelong dream of kicking in a door. Might as well do a B&E while you're in there!

COMMENTS

By saxaddict122 | 14

#6584332 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:18

On the bright side you get to live out that lifelong dream of kicking in a door. Might as well do a B&E while you're in there!

Reply

momo3p | 22

#6589480 - Tuesday 26 April 2016 19:18

Lmao

By DeadxManxWalking | 27

#6584336 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:20

might as well try the window since it seems someone is likely to forget to lock them

By awildwhisper | 30

#6584337 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:22

At least you got a good adventure out of it and a story for future years. I hope you had neighbors to stay at till the rain stopped.

By cacheson | 41

#6584340 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:24

Sounds like this is turning into a pattern...

By EnJey0 | 19

#6584342 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:24

Who else thought he'd find he's car keys in his pocket or something when he got home?

By hipposteve | 21

#6584359 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:45

Some people feel the rain, others get wet.

Reply

Coland | 19

#6584418 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 17:47

But only you can feel the rain on your skin. No one else can feel it for you.

Reply

UserError94 | 18

#6584665 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 21:26

Tear*

By UH60 | 26

#6584372 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:56

Back when I was in highschool, I walked home only to find that the house key was similarly not in the usual spot. Parents didn't get home from work until almost 10 at night so I had to pee in my bushless/treeless back yard and bake in the 120 degree Texas summer sun :(

Reply

Mike3258 | 18

#6584679 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 21:47

and you didn't think of going to a neighbors house? or were you like me and it was a distance.

By Squallleon | 12

#6584373 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:56

was there no possibility of calling roadside service to unlock your car?

By BDanzeisen | 20

#6584374 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:57

Do you have any neighbors that'll let you in?

By DeathofCareBear | 21

#6584375 - Wednesday 20 April 2016 16:58

I like your username.