Today, at work, I slipped and fell on my backside. The creepy security guard offered to 'kiss it better.' FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, before work, I was quickly cleaning when I tripped and the side of my neck hit the countertop, causing a dark bruise. During work, people wouldn't stop giving me high fives for getting laid and I was too embarrassed to tell them truth that I'm not desirable, just clumsy. FML
Today, I slipped at work while putting out a "wet floor" sign to make sure the customers didn't slip. FML
Today, I was walking into my office building when I tripped over a doormat and fell flat on my face right in front of the security guard. As I tried to stand up, I kicked the door, slamming shut with a dramatic bang. I looked up to see that the entire building lobby was watching. FML
Today, while working at my job at a nursing home, I slipped and fell. It wouldn't be so bad if it was just water. No, one of the residents had just had an "accident". FML
Today, at work, my manager accidentally bumped into me, brushing my behind with the back of his hand. He was a bit embarrassed, so I jokingly said, “You could at least buy me dinner first!” He went to HR and told them I made him uncomfortable. I was just trying to lighten the mood. FML
Today, I was leaning over cleaning a table at work, when my pretty coworker came up behind me and slapped me on the butt. I was so startled that I slipped and smashed my face into the table. Now she can't look at me without laughing. FML
Today, within 24 hours at my new security job, I accidentally tasered the head of security in the groin, causing him to piss himself. FML
Today, at work, I tripped and fell face-first into a food display. As I picked myself up, totally humiliated, I tripped again and fell right back into it, earning a bunch of pitying looks from nearby customers. FML
Today, I went to go give my boss a high five for a job well done. I missed his hand and accidentally slapped his ass on the way down. FML
Today, I walked into work to see my boss's hot son. I wanted him to notice me, so I did my "sexy walk". I then slipped and fell onto my desk, broke my desk, and sprained my wrist. Oh he noticed me alright. FML
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Top comments
Torva_fml 16
What a romantic! He sure knows how to get a lady...
cradle6 13
What an asshole. You should have yelled, "KISS MY ASS!" Oh wait...
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Comments (135)
brianfantana32 10
Just a bit creepy
perdix 31
You should have let him. It has been scientifically proven that kissing gluteal tissue immediately post-contusion reduces bruising 78-93%. If you missed your chance then, I might be able to help . . . heh-heh-heh.
Torva_fml 16
I demand verification before I resume kissing ass.
GVirdi 11
Big words o:
Torva_fml 16
Here, let me dumb it down for you...: Kissing ass reduces those purple sore marks By lots! Perdix wishes to kiss OP's ass, then continues to do a pedo-laugh.
lindseykcool 6
I read that last part like it was a quote from Beavis and Butthead.. am I the only one?
desireev 18
30- nope! I was wondering if I was weird for that! Lol Glad I'm not the only one. :)
perdix 31
30 and 47, You're both right ;). Perhaps you have some bruising issues of your own I could help with, heh-heh-heh.
BeefyQueef 5
Rimjob anyone? Perhaps a dirty donut?
perdix 31
Rusty trombone?
xSorry_fml 10
#13 I goggled hematomas and you were correct. This is copied from wiki "Treatment for light bruises is minimal and may include RICE (rest, ice, compression, elevation), painkillers (particularly NSAIDs), light kissing from creepy security guy and, later in recovery, light stretching exercises."
brianfantana32 10
Perdix, You should become an SNL writer
LuckyTxMade 0
Atleast he offer?
Bobissmall 13
Oh you poor thing... how are you ok after such a horrid verbal assault?
jillianmathers12 13
What a pervert! You can call the police and get him arrested for sexual assult!
Raeser 7
For being friendly? I don't quite think so
Awsumuzzie 12
Calm down! It was just a statement by a coworker, he didn't actually so anything physical. Has that never happened to you?
Awsumuzzie 12
Oops, do* not so.
shrekus 0
22: wtf is wrong with you? No cop in his right mind would arrest anyone for that. I would arrest you for being stupid and childish.
Torva_fml 16
Sexual assault huh? Last I checked, OP Never said he assaulted her in a sexual way. But if you say soo!!! (it's sexual harassment darling....)
Amin95 5
Creepy pervert
xdatreuakimbox 0
******* perv! Kick his ass!
BeefyQueef 5
I think it'd be better to kiss it
The_Hitdude 12
Somehow this reminds me of the guy that was fired for making light-hearted jokes and compliments to his female co-workers. He probably was joking, but OP took it the wrong way. I hate it when people sign someone off as a pervert. He wasn't groping her, nor was he making unwanted advances.
Swiftly 0
I wish I was as smooth as him :(
Awsumuzzie 12
I sell baby butt lotion. Use it, and you'll be even smoother than him! Quite possibly you'll be as smooth as a baby's butt!
ForeverUnemplyed 0
Sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Who cares -_-
ForeverUnemplyed 0
-_- Screw this site then........t(-_-)t
mrfreak219 3
Why are people saying shit like "Sexual assault" and crap? It's a joke. Get over it.
asherm 15
Yeah not exactly "assault" unless he actually touched her. Could be considered harassment, especially since she didn't appreciate the joke. Me, I'd just laugh to comment off. If it was someone I knew well, I'd throw in a " no but dream on" then again I can make sailors blush sometimes haha
iiEnjoyTurtles 0
At least he was trying to help.