Work: Today, I slipped at work while putting out a "wet floor" sign... - FML

By embarrassed - United States

Today, I slipped at work while putting out a "wet floor" sign to make sure the customers didn't slip. FML

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Commando

The smell detective is on the case

Jonah begs to differ

By Anonymous - United States - Flowery Branch

What a Q-tip

Today, I heard my boyfriend making the same noises while cleaning out his ears as the ones he makes whenever we have sex. FML

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By Anonymous

No internet, just cuddles

Today, my cat decided that the best place for her to pee was over the surge protector where my modem, router, and printer are plugged in. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was set up on a blind date. When I arrived, the person waiting for me was a woman. It appears that my friends have always thought I was a lesbian, and that they 'played along' when I talked about guys. FML

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By Nafypoo

Today, I was playing competitively for my clan in a tournament. Money is involved, and I was doing quite well until my girlfriend up and turned the PS4 off because I wasn't "paying enough attention" to her, despite being on a holiday with her for the previous 3 days. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the bus, a delusional old man had an extremely long conversation with me, referring to me as "Leslie" and talking about "our childhood together". Not wanting to hurt his feelings I played along. At his stop he got up and grinned at me, saying "I'm kidding. I never knew a Leslie in my life. Nice rack." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Not funny

Today, while having lunch with my grandparents, my grandpa's eyes glazed over, his head fell and he slumped in his chair. I started panicking and almost cried, thinking he was dead. Then he laughed and said "Just kidding. I'm fine." FML

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By Dante - United States

Today, I got the repair estimate for my car. It is going to cost me $3,000 to rebuild the front end. It was wrecked because a couple decided to have a lovers spat in the middle of the freeway. I had that car for exactly four hours. FML

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By Jackey

Today, I signed the contract for my 18th book sale. I went to school to be a serious writer. My latest book is a gay werebear story that involves male pregnancy. FML

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By SmellyCloset - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found a decomposing hamster deep in my closet. My daughter had hidden "Peach" after accidentally killing it and said it had ran away a month ago. And I'd believed her. FML

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By kill me now

Today, I realised I've sucked dick to every Simon Pegg movie. FML

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By Lenny_R

Today, I got pulled over for having an expired registration. I also found out my husband hasn't been paying for my car insurance. Luckily, I didn't get arrested because I had my baby with me. They towed my car and gave me 2 tickets and a court date. Oh, and the cop sent me a friend request. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, our 6-month-old is finally sleeping through the night. We thought we'd finally get a good night sleep ourselves, until my dumb husband fell asleep with the tv on and our 5-year-old ended up watching Saw 3 by herself. Now the 5-year-old wakes up with nightmares. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my girlfriend made me a chocolate cake to try and cheer me after my dog died. My dog died because my dad fed him chocolate. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2020 02:02

Morbid cringe

Today, I realized just how pathetic my life is when I found myself fascinated by videos that a woman posts on YouTube of her removing ingrown hairs and zits from people’s private areas. FML

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By LockedOut - United States

Today, I woke up to a brand new password on my phone that only my wife knows. Apparently, she thinks I've been looking at my phone more than I've been talking to her lately. FML

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By twoheadedboy - Canada

Today, I got industrial toilet cleaner in my eyes. Despite the raging fire party going on behind my eyelids, I resisted the urge to stop, drop, and roll, and calmly got in the shower to wash it off. Wherein I promptly slipped, fell, and whacked my head full-force on the bathtub on the way down. FML

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By anonymouschicka - United States

Today, I finished doing a resume that I had spent three hours on. I e-mailed it to the business I was applying for, satisfied. I decided to look it over. The first thing I notice, I spelt my own name wrong. FML

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By fucked - United States - San Francisco

Today, I landed my first job as a security officer. Only after I signed all the paperwork did I find out that the area I'll be working is apparently a hotspot for violent shootings. I'm screwed. FML

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By kraziikayce - United States

Today, my uncle got me a debit card and put $1000 on it for my Christmas present. However, he forgot to activate the card. The receipt with the 14-digit activation code is in the garbage in Colorado. FML

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By silkworm - United States

Today, I got an invitation in the mail for my dad's third wedding. My first name was misspelled on the envelope. FML

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By dinosaur - Australia

Today, my boyfriend decided it would be fun to sit on my lap. In the process he landed on me so hard that he made me hit my head. Then when he turned around his elbow smacked into my nose causing it to break. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years confessed that he was sleeping with me and 5 other girls while we first started dating. He told me he numbered us and rolled a die to see which one he would date. I guess I won. FML

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By ZombieGirl - United States - Tampa

Today, I signed the lease on my first apartment alone with my boyfriend. We've lived here a month before we got to sign. Today is also the day my neighbors decided to show how they're night owls: all I hear is banging on the walls and them loudly talking and yelling. This will be a long year. FML

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By gingerwhinger - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Today, an older lady approached me at work and stroked my hair, telling me it was 'beautiful'. This isn't unusual, I'm a natural redhead and octogenarians especially seem to love the colour. However, the unusual part was the glob of snot she left in my hair from her unwashed hands. FML

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By josie345 - United States

Today, some blowhard on a motorcycle yelled at me for jaywalking, causing him to almost hit a dumpster. He picked up and threw an empty beer can at me when I started giggling at the sticker on the front of his helmet that said "If you can read this, I have lost my caravan." FML

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By James - United States

Today, my eleven year old daughter called me a moron, after I told her she was dead wrong when she claimed that rabbits lay eggs. FML

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By forgetful - United States - Los Angeles

Today, our family bought a new car. When we got home, I opened the trunk to get my backpack. It turns out I left it in the trunk of our trade-in. The dealership is closed now and I have a presentation due tomorrow. FML

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By jsquared - United States

Today, my twin sister sent a nude picture to her boyfriend, who then forwarded it on to everyone else. Everyone else thinks it's me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that the same police officer who has arrested me twice has been sleeping with my wife. FML

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By mindlost - United States

Today, I had an argument over whether or not I should buy some flowers. With myself. Out loud. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was wanking and started thinking about why the Simpsons are yellow, and how that came to be. I haven't been laid in 4 years and my ADD is so crippling that I can't jack off. FML

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By sadface - United States

Today, I was dumped by my girlfriend due to our long distance relationship. She then agreed to date my best friend who lives in the same town as me. FML

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By Bailey - Canada

Today, my four year old daughter came up to me with her finger in her ear. She then let me know that her earwax tasted better than the dinner I made. In front of my whole family. FML

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By Itchy Missy - United States - Denver

Today, I got more pleasure from itching the bed bug bites from sleeping over at my boyfriend's house than I got from actually sleeping with him. FML

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By DroopyDog - Netherlands

Today, I bought a puppy. I just found out I can't bring it on the family trip. To save me the trouble of finding a friend to take her in, my mum handed her back to the pound. FML

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By thiswouldonlyhappentome - Aruba

Today, I finally found out what that weird smell in my apartment was. My ex-boyfriend had been breaking into my apartment and hiding rotting fruit all over the place. I found this out when a ceiling panel fell and a swarm of fruit flies attacked me. FML

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By DyingOfShame - United Kingdom

Today, I got a text from my boyfriend whilst on the train home from spending the weekend with him at his grandparents' house. It said, 'Gran says to tell you that the bin beside the toilet is actually for storing spare shampoos and toothbrushes, so could you not put your tampons in it next time?' FML

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By Cashier - United States

Today, at the end of my shift with a long line of customers, the older woman I was checking out calmly said, "You should take a minute to fix your hair dear, we have all been talking about it while we waited." FML

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By frenchie12

Get back here!

Today, I hooked up with a girl. The condom fell off when I pulled out. When the girl left I could not find it. I saw my roommate cat's with it, so I chased him and he escaped. My roommate now wants to kill me. She found the condom on her bed and does not believe me. I might have to move out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out why my cell phone has been going missing every night for the last few months. My sister has been "borrowing" it so she can hold it against her crotch and repeatedly push the vibrate button. FML

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Top comments

By iSitt | 0

#1870945 - Monday 20 December 2010 21:10

sue yourself for negligence then countersue yourself for defamation then plead insanity

By perdix | 29

#1870713 - Monday 20 December 2010 19:32

I'm sure the witnesses were all impressed by your multimedia safety presentation.

You should replay it every 5 minutes to achieve maximum public safety.

COMMENTS

By Doortje | 29

#1870569 - Monday 20 December 2010 19:03

I bet they were extra careful after seeing that.

Reply

Zmeilerr | 22

#1870681 - Monday 20 December 2010 19:26

This sounds like a *puts on sunglasses* slippery situation.

YYYEEAAHH!!!!

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1870689 - Monday 20 December 2010 19:27

Careful? Nahhhh, free slip n slide!!!!!

Reply

iSitt | 0

#1870945 - Monday 20 December 2010 21:10

sue yourself for negligence then countersue yourself for defamation then plead insanity

Reply

tpm45 | 25

#5745825 - Thursday 7 November 2013 18:48

Way to set an example, OP. That was true leadership.

By lolthatsucksop | 0

#1870580 - Monday 20 December 2010 19:04

seriously? lol irony

By sexycountrygirl0 | 0

#1870598 - Monday 20 December 2010 19:08

Hahahah you suck

Reply

BigCountryBoy | 0

#1884476 - Thursday 23 December 2010 22:29

Haha, Nice name.

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1870600 - Monday 20 December 2010 19:08

You should film this for the next workplace safety video

By cradle6 | 13

#1870605 - Monday 20 December 2010 19:09

ironic lol. very

By xkaylaruizx | 0

#1870609 - Monday 20 December 2010 19:09

what a fucken retard

Reply

IcyHell | 0

#1870778 - Monday 20 December 2010 20:05

like you? : o

Reply

yourlifesfucked | 0

#1870856 - Monday 20 December 2010 20:39

Says the guy who can't spell "fucking"

By Ninjafriends | 1

#1870614 - Monday 20 December 2010 19:10

So graceful.

By Zmeilerr | 22

#1870648 - Monday 20 December 2010 19:17

Maybe if you wouldn't be dancing with the mop, when you should be working.

By muchagente | 5

#1870675 - Monday 20 December 2010 19:25

you could have known. you had the sign.

By perdix | 29

#1870713 - Monday 20 December 2010 19:32

I'm sure the witnesses were all impressed by your multimedia safety presentation.

You should replay it every 5 minutes to achieve maximum public safety.