Today, within 24 hours at my new security job, I accidentally tasered the head of security in the groin, causing him to piss himself. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, while I was working security at the mall, someone shat his pants. The shit dripped all over the floor and escalator. I was the one who had to stand near the poop so no one stepped in it. FML
Today, as I walked into the bank, I tripped and bumped into a security guard. He thought I was assaulting him, so he pinned me to the floor and called for backup as he held me at gunpoint. FML
Today, I started my new job at a security company. In the first 15 minutes there was a bomb threat. FML
Today, my fire alarm startled me so badly that I shat myself. FML
Today, I was at work and I needed to pee. In my haste, I forgot to lock the door. A coworker walked in on me and I bolted up mid-stream to slam the door back shut. I had pee down my leg and pee squishing in my shoes for the rest of the day. I can still remember his tone of voice, yelling, "Sorry"! FML
Today, at work, I was on my break when I had to use the bathroom. I was on the toilet taking a dump when the door latch loosened and the door swung open. The little girl standing there took one look and screamed. Security busted in. My pants were still down. FML
Today, at work, I was walking to the back office, and I didn't know my manager was following me. After I walked through the door, without looking, I reached behind me to close it. Instead of grabbing the door handle, I got a handful of his crotch. FML
Today, I was walking to a café with my soon-to-be boss. While crossing a busy street, I slipped in a puddle and accidentally grabbed his junk to catch myself. FML
Today, I went to get blood and urine tests done before work. As I was attempting to aim into the cup, I lost balance and slipped. I ended up peeing on my sleeves and my pants. I was late for work and I smelled like pee. FML
Today, I was security at a shopping centre and tried to stop a guy from drinking in public. He told me to fuck off and "go play cops and robbers somewhere else", so I tried to escort him to the security office. He picked me up with one hand and threw me in the fountain. My boss let him go with a warning. I hate my job. FML
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Top comments
arioch_fml 20
Wow poor example from the head of security, first day on the job and he's already pissing around in front of the new guy.
exileonmainst 16
Put up a wet floor sign. Security comes first!
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Comments (16)
exileonmainst 16
Put up a wet floor sign. Security comes first!
arioch_fml 20
Wow poor example from the head of security, first day on the job and he's already pissing around in front of the new guy.
Yapiej 21
even more of a FML to the head of the security guard and hope he wasn't too pissed hehe
Dave_Davington 33
Well, you've successfully asserted your dominance over him, so now that should make you the Head of Security. My advice, wear a rubber jock strap to work from now on.
manb91uk 22
Are you taking the piss?
100MillionHP 8
No, the Head of Security is taking the piss.
Glowworm56 26
Seems your shooting level is grade A Barney Fife.
Thundernutz 15
Bet he was "pissed" after xD
RichardPencil 30
Accidentally? Yeah, right. Freud says there are no accidents. Looks like there’s a new sheriff in town.
arioch_fml 20
Freud also said you want to sleep with your mother. So, does that mean you want to sleep with your mother? xD
Notmymonkeysnotmycircus 16
I think he got that one wrong, it’s not that guys want to sleep with their moms it’s that they want to sleep with OTHER people’s moms. I mean 2 significant points here: 1. If they’re moms then they can have kids which, procreation wise, is a nice little tidbit and 2. They have been around a time or two and so have some knowledge they can share with ya between the sheets. Besides that there’s no better feeling than when your buddy asks you what you were doing last night than saying “doing your mom!” and him knowing you’re not lying.
Lobby_Bee 17
Head of security? You sure got one of them.
Matthew Irmen 11
I think the wrong person wrote the FML... "Today I got tasered in the crotch by a FNG and pissed myself, FML"