Health: Today, I drank a ton of beers for my 25th birthday. My friends...

By bready - United States

Today, I drank a ton of beers for my 25th birthday. My friends love to watch me open beer bottles with my teeth. I chipped both of my front uppers doing this. I'm no longer covered by my parents dental insurance because I'm 25 now. FML

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Health

Thanks, I'm cured!

Insurance fraud

Co-parenting

By happy21sttome - United Kingdom

Today, after 5 years in a row of my family doing absolutely nothing to even acknowledge my birthday, I got train tickets to see my boyfriend for the weekend and celebrate with him. I woke up to 6 angry texts about how I'm 'selfish' for not staying at home with my family. FML

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By sick of this shit - Canada - Kelowna

Today, my grandma got drunk, tried to change the TV channel with my Xbox controller, and slurred at me to fuck off when I told her it wasn't the remote. She pulls this kind of crap way too often. FML

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By thanksjill - United States

Today, our school went to an elementary school to read to the kids. One of the girls in my group asked me if she could switch into another group, so I asked her what was wrong with mine. She said, "Nothing, I wanna be in her group. She's prettier." I was insulted by a kindergartner. FML

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By Jason Brazil

Hypochondriacs of the world unite!

Today, I was woken up at 2 in the morning by my wife frantically saying something about her having scabies, and that I had to take her to the ER. It turned out to be eczema. FML

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Very good remedy

Today, after suffering with anxiety and insomnia for a nearly a year and exhausting every natural remedy, I could think of, I finally decided to go to a Dr. for help. Instead of writing me a prescription, he told me to drink more teas and think happy thoughts. I had to pay out of pocket for this. FML

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By possiblyoverweight - United Kingdom

Today, my baby son latched onto my nipple for a feed, after a month of having to be bottle fed because he wouldn't latch. This would be fantastic, if it weren't for the fact that I'm his father, not his mother. FML

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By IMSERIOUS - United States - Anaheim

Today, I told my parents I was thinking about joining the army. They looked at each other and laughed for about 10 minutes straight. I wasn't joking. FML

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By MikeMoosey - United States

Today, while pumping gas, I stopped to think about what a failure my life is, and how badly I've treated people in my past. While deep in thought, I accidentally pulled the gas pump out too far and covered myself with gasoline. FML

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By fukinnature

Today, I was feeling stressed about some upcoming exams, so I went on a nice relaxing nature walk through the nearby bushland. I slipped off a rock and landed in knee-deep mud that claimed my shoe when I pulled my leg free. I'm even more stressed now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Romance

Today, I went down on my girlfriend after sharing a romantic moment. As I was licking, she giggled and said, "You sound like a dog." Romance ruined. FML

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By squeezable - United States

Today, a little girl standing next to me on the train suddenly hugged me. I thought maybe she was sad or I reminded her of someone, and hugged her back. Then she smiled, squeezed my lovehandles, and said "Honk, honk!" FML

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By SophieGray - United States

Today, I went over to a guy's house for dinner. He ended up getting really drunk and started crying, telling me that I reminded him of his dead ferret. Distraught, he tearfully showed me her ashes. FML

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By notcool - United States

Today, I finished part of a project. When I asked my coworkers what they thought, they said they liked one of the few things that had already been implemented almost a year ago. Thanks for noticing. FML

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By thatsfine - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, my sister announced her pregnancy at my husband's funeral. FML

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By jack - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I found out why my girlfriend comes over for dinner so often. She thinks my dad is a real babe. FML

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By fatass - United States - Kearney

Today, I received several pairs of panties in the mail that I'd ordered online. When I opened the box, I was shocked because every pair was basically huge granny-panties. I was sure none would fit properly, but I tried them on to be sure. They fit perfectly. FML

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31435

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By ren - United States

Today, I went to work only to serve one table, make a $9.00 tip, get sent home because it was slow, have the city busses stop running because of weather, and have to pay a $20 cab fare to get home. FML

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By 20singleandproudish - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, my younger brother helpfully pointed out that I'm the only one in my family of five who is single. He's twelve. FML

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By Still No Ring - United States - Lisbon

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house with his family. A kitten walks over to me with an engagement ring tied to its collar and a note that says "Marry Me?" I got super excited, only to find out that it was for his brother's girlfriend of 10 months, not me. We've been together 4 years. FML

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By Adil Ilahi - United Kingdom - Keighley

Trawling

Today, my friends yet again told me to hop on Tinder and other dating sites, saying how easy it is to match up, and I keep telling them I will soon. In reality, I've been on them for weeks, without a match. FML

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By myfamilyisodd - United States

Today, I had to take my son to the emergency room for shooting himself in the ass with a BB gun. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's the 3 month anniversary marking the day two friends and I shaved our heads as a show of solidarity for a friend starting chemo. Her prognosis is good and her hair only thinned slightly. We, on the other hand, look like a motley crew of lesbian biker chicks. FML

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By shartface12 - United States - San Jose

Today, after a big house party the night before, I woke up with a dry mouth and a pounding hangover. I took a swig from a cup I'd left on my bedside table the night before, thinking it was water. Nope; it was vodka. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2021 14:00 - Austria - Graz

Debate bro

Today, I realized my boyfriend never argues with me when I'm right, but goes to great lengths when I'm not. As a result, in the five years we've been together, he has won every single argument we ever had. FML

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By thisreallysucks2 - United States

Today, I texted my boyfriend to see if he wanted to finally have sex today. His response was "Can't, Platinum just came out." I didn't know what that meant so I searched "Platinum 3-22-2009" on Google. I found out he's talking about a new Pokémon game. FML

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By m??

Mansplaining 101

Today, as always, my boyfriend is better than me at everything, including skills that I have years of experience with, while he has none. FML

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By brerj09 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, at work, I served a group of three teens. Their tab was $75 and they tipped me nothing. They wrote a thank you on a piece of receipt paper, put it in a glass of water and used a coaster to turn the glass of water upside down on the table, spilling water everywhere. They also stole my pen. FML

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By yessir - United States

Today, my boyfriend rear ended a cop car because he was texting me. I was sitting next to him. FML

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By benjavel71 - United States - Prairie Grove

Today, I thought about going to visit an old girlfriend of mine with hopes of getting a little head. Unfortunately, I didn't know it would be head lice I'd get. FML

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By gumchuck - United States - Marshall

Today, in an effort to avoid my school's strict no-gum policy as my teacher made a b-line to me, I swallowed it. By the time the teacher reached me, the gum was on my desk, as well as my breakfast, thanks to my overactive gag reflex. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was in the shower getting ready for a date, when my older sister thought it would be a laugh to turn out the light. Getting out of the shower to turn it back on, I slipped and hit on my head on the counter. Thanks, sis. FML

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Indebted without work

Today, my husband has to quit his job. 5 months ago, we paid a deposit on a section for our brand new house and the title and mortgage need to be finalized next week. His work is forcing him out because he wanted to do his job safely and to a high standard of workmanship. FML

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By Sadginger - United Kingdom - Redhill

Today, the man I have been in a long-distance relationship with for 2 years told me he has been cheating on me for 6 months, and that he's leaving me for her. I'm due to fly out to see him next week on a non-refundable ticket. He insists that, "we can still hang out, just not have sex". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my lawyer threatened to sue me because I can't afford his bill, which he sent to me after getting me out of a lawsuit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Macomb

Today, I had to quickly back out of a Skype call between me and three coworkers because my fiancée came home from work in tears. When things had calmed down, I re-entered the call to find them unaware I had returned, saying how glad they were I had left because they all secretly despise me. FML

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26628

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By CaptainSosuke - United States

Today, I tripped over my own shoelace after explaining to my boyfriend that my shoes being untied were good luck for me. He then took that as the grand opportunity to tell me that we were breaking up. FML

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By Mamaofdrama

Today, I was working on potty training my daughter. She opened the fridge while I wasn't looking and peed all over the lower shelf. FML

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By fukingtigans - Croatia - Rupalj

Today, my business got broken into and I lost a lot of valuable equipment. Although I have 24/7 security guards, they left in the middle of the burglary because they were too scared to stop the burglars or even to call the police. FML

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By Geez - Netherlands

Today, I finally got intimate with my girlfriend, the girl of my dreams. I undressed and, ready to step in bed with her, I see her staring at 'it'. Which was quickly followed by laughter. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Darlinghurst

Today, a new session started for my swimming squad. I walked down to the pool, tripped over a stray equipment bag, and belly-flopped into the pool in front of everyone, fully clothed. I'm the coach. FML

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Top comments

By folieadeux | 0

#2641 - Monday 16 February 2009 16:33

Welcome to the adult world. It sucks. Maybe you won't be so stupid next time.

By fmlplz | 0

#2644 - Monday 16 February 2009 16:38

25 years old and you are screwed because you are no longer on your parents insurance? Opening beer bottles with your teeth? You sound like an OC brat.

COMMENTS

By folieadeux | 0

#2641 - Monday 16 February 2009 16:33

Welcome to the adult world. It sucks. Maybe you won't be so stupid next time.

22cute | 17

#3373761 - Saturday 1 October 2011 17:53

Yeah, your Mom probably told you 100 times this would happen. Nobody teaches like experience.

By fmlplz | 0

#2644 - Monday 16 February 2009 16:38

25 years old and you are screwed because you are no longer on your parents insurance? Opening beer bottles with your teeth? You sound like an OC brat.

SomeRussianGirl | 3

#4452937 - Friday 18 May 2012 22:55

Lmao my father does this and never Chips his teeth.

By joobie | 1

#2651 - Monday 16 February 2009 17:12

you didn't realize it might not be a great idea after you chipped the first one?

miamiFTW_ | 0

#1193446 - Thursday 5 August 2010 11:22

maybe he chipped them at the same time.
smartass

By freddie_fml | 0

#2666 - Monday 16 February 2009 17:58

I weep for the future.

By greenman_fml | 0

#2668 - Monday 16 February 2009 18:03

it's all good man; maybe you can take to the streets with your special, unique talent and make some money off of it! that way you can pay for dental insurance.

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#2785 - Monday 16 February 2009 23:56

You fucking idiot.

By Seegtease | 0

#2804 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 0:54

Teeth beer opening isn't impressive, and just makes you look like a redneck. Fail.

By neujersey | 0

#2871 - Tuesday 17 February 2009 4:23

dude, COBRA, you got 60 days to sign up

By ZING_MASTER | 0

#3134 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 0:12

Moron.

By down2earth2c | 0

#10009 - Sunday 1 March 2009 10:13

oh my god im so sorry about your teeth but that story totally made me laugh and laugh and laugh. i feel so happy laying in bed alone right now.... hahhahahhahah but damn that sucks man im sorry