Intimacy: Today, after wondering why I've never met my father, I asked...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, after wondering why I've never met my father, I asked my mom if I was the product of a one night stand. She replied with, "Well, technically he didn't spend the night." FML

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Intimacy

Triage

Management

Thanks Felicia

By definitelynotugly

Today, I had a morning shift at the restaurant and didn't feel like wearing makeup. I was energetic and greeted everyone happily, but my manager told me I looked tired. I said, "Oh no I'm just not wearing makeup!" He said, "Well, you might need it." FML

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By tkrause - Canada - Nelson

Today, my boyfriend came over with a hickey on his neck. He thinks "The vacuum did it" is a believable excuse. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night and had to go to the bathroom in my dorm. After coming out of the bathroom, I realized I'd let my auto-locking door close behind me. I had to go through the whole dorm, sprint across campus in my bra and underwear, and ask someone for my spare key. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my boss told me that people from work have been complaining about me. Apparently, I'm not doing part of their jobs for them, and the other manager sometimes does. FML

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By "Tick"

Today, after not dating for 2 years, I went out on 2 dates. I got stood up both times. FML

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By alltern8ive - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to be romantic by dipping me backwards and kissing me. He dropped me on my butt and stepped on my hand while trying to help me up. FML

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By Nanana32 - United States - Hudson

Today, I fell asleep on the beach while tanning. I was woken up by the flock of seagulls eating the bread from my stomach. Why was bread on my stomach? Because my little brother knows birds are my biggest fear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was sitting at my college campus, there were good looking girls all around me and I was trying to catch their eye and smile, letting them know I'm available. A butterfly flew by me and I screamed. FML

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By JulesBlues

Today, I sat in my doctor's office and broke down, crying and shaking, with a blood pressure of 190, getting off my chest everything that has gone wrong in my life lately. To which the doctor, well into her sixties, replied, "My goodness, I've never met anyone with so many problems!" FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Tordesillas

Today, I woke up after a night of partying and heavy drinking. Apparently word travels quickly, because everyone now knows that I spent hours lying in an empty bathtub, rubbing shampoo over my body with the expectation that it'd increase my penis size. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I woke up to find my car broken into. After being upset for not hearing my car alarm go off I realized it had in the middle of the night. I had woken up and cursed the idiot who set off their alarm and put a pillow over my head, falling back to sleep shortly after. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I blared my music while I got ready for a night out. Getting really into this one song, I grabbed onto the nearest thing as a makeshift microphone. It happened to be the hot end of my curling iron. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found my missing shoe. It hit me as it fell out the tree in our front yard. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2020 02:02

Two sides to every story

Today, my grandpa told me that he and grandma had an open relationship, because, "it isn't satisfying to have sexuality with only one person your whole life.” According to grandma, he just cheated on her constantly and she couldn’t do anything to stop him. FML

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By GuessImWalking

Today, I found out I will be without a car for two weeks because my mother volunteered to let my grandparents use mine while theirs is being repaired. They've been in 4 accidents over the last year. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2020 21:10

The Good Grandson

Today, I had to drive all the way across town to clean my grandfather's toilet for him. FML

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By tas2013kid - 1/12/2020 17:03 - Taiwan

Slicey slicey

Today, I found out I had three strands of pubic hair beside my nipple, so I decided to cut it off with a scissor since I'm going swimming tomorrow. In an attempt to cut off my third strand, I instead excised the cap of my left nipple. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, my mom got drunk and told me that the man I have called dad for the past 27 years isn't my real father. Oh and don't say anything to him about it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I'm so poor that I've been scrounging around my house all day trying to find quarters and dimes so that I can buy myself a cup of coffee tomorrow. FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, my sister set it so all the Yahoo articles I read are published on my Facebook wall. This would have been fine had I not decided to read, "Does the gynecologist care if you shave?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, "Community" was pulled from its mid-season lineup, with plans to hopefully put it back on the schedule at some unknown time. It will probably be canceled. Meanwhile, "Whitney" is still on the air and doing fine. FML

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By Yeah-It's-Just-Me - Australia - Hornsby

Today, I had numerous calls from people saying they need a baby sitter, because "they know I wasn't invited anywhere". FML

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By Whatever479 - Ireland

Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend asking if I'd Skype with him. Thinking he'd find my tousled bed hair and big t-shirt sexy, I went on. The first thing he noticed was the massive booger on my face that stretched from my nose to the other side of my cheek. FML

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By Tara - United States

Today, I went tanning for 15 min at my gym. When I got out no one was there, all of the lights were off, and the alarm started going off. Turns out the people working forgot about me, locked up, and left me there. FML

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By Teach - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, I took my class to swimming lessons at the local public pool. One student came out and proudly told me that she'd pooed in the shower, but it was OK because she'd then picked it up and flushed it down the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sat down on a chair after my very large boss sat on it all day. When I got up, my pants were damp. FML

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By schnegg - Switzerland

Today, the firm I work at informed all the employees about our annual staff trip. So, we're going to a tomato festival and everything is already planned and booked. I'm allergic to tomatoes. FML

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By lovingpsychosis - United Kingdom

Today, my mom asked if I was seeing anyone. I launched into a description of my girlfriend, only for her to interrupt, saying that she meant a therapist, and the fact that I'd just made up a relationship was further proof that I needed one. I really do have a girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to follow a diversion route home due to roadworks. It took me an hour longer than usual to get home. Too bad it turns out that the diversion was only for traffic, not people walking. FML

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By I'm Trading Up For A Dog - Finland - Pori

Today, I finished a painting I'd spent 3 weeks working on for an exhibition. When I came back from lunch, my cat was perched above it on my desk. He looked at me, then down at the painting, then jumped down onto it. He slipped and smeared the wet paint everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

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By Disappointed Mom - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was supposed to be enjoying a long-anticipated, desperately needed, weekend away. Turns out those "little stomach twinges" were actually symptoms of appendicitis. I'm stuck in the hospital, alone, recovering from surgery, while my family is enjoying our non-refundable break. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lazily answered the door in my pajamas. It was my elderly neighbor asking to borrow a can opener. Despite the strange and unwarranted scowl she was giving me I obliged. It wasn't until after she had left that I notice my penis was completely sticking out through the flap in my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Glasgow

I don't know why

Today I went camping in the mountains with my girlfriend and her very outdoor loving mountain. I sprained my ankle falling out of the car and got bug bit on my penis while peeing. Her dad actually asked why she was dating me and she admitted that she had no idea. FML

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By diapersplease - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out my husband potty trained my stubborn three year old son who prefers diapers. He managed this by peeing with him and "sword-fighting" with their urine streams. I now have to clean pee off the ground every time he urinates. FML

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By Confused - Spain - Madrid

Today, I finally had sex with my boyfriend. I had never gotten so far with a guy, so I was really nervous. He was careful, we tried different positions, "it was fun" and he came. I barely felt anything. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mccomb

Today, my mom found my dad's hidden stash of cigarettes. He told her they were mine and now I have to spend two hours at therapy for my "smoking problem" every weekend. I've never smoked. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend came over to talk. She just got back from a small vacation. She asked me to feed her dogs while she was gone, so I did. I even stayed with them at times so they wouldnt get lonely. My girlfriend had come over to break up with me. She didn't do so earlier because she needed her dogs fed. FML

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By Reasondon - United States

Today, I found out my cousin had moved to Texas. I would have been okay with it, were it not for the fact that not only did I loan him $3,500, but I was supposed to go with him too. FML

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Today, my parents accidentally bounced some checks through a miscommunication. They now owe the bank $700 and can't afford groceries, which means we're relying on me, a 17-year-old girl who works at McDonald's 2 days a week, to get us by for the next few weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Quakertown

Today, I finished a big art project. It was a self-portrait done in acrylics. Proud of my piece, I showed my mom. After some thought her first comment was, "well, I'm either going to insult your art or your face." FML

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Top comments

By LOLatU87 | 0

#1733418 - Monday 22 November 2010 9:08

Wow, guess your mom was easy back in the day

By freakybella | 0

#1733616 - Monday 22 November 2010 9:30

I'm sorry OP that you found out your mom was (still is?) easy. Look on the bright side though, when your mom narrows it down to a few potential men; you can go on tv and let Maury tell you who your father is. If it turns out to be none of them he'll keep helping you search. He doesn't care how high that number of men gets: 30,50, even 100! He won't rest until someone is your daddy!

COMMENTS

By catalystics | 2

#1733353 - Monday 22 November 2010 9:04

hmmm

Pluff | 0

#1733421 - Monday 22 November 2010 9:09

What a well thought out comment number one! Your wisdom totally distracted me from recognizing that you just put anything in an effort to be number one and get lots of attention which always leads up to popularity and pretty girls who most likely stole their display pictures!

@OP: Is that somehow worse?

catalystics | 2

#1733464 - Monday 22 November 2010 9:11

hmmm I was thinking because I didn't quite understand the fml I thought we had a mystery on out hands of the one night stand father

chloec16 | 0

#1733677 - Monday 22 November 2010 9:37

And you needed to state "hmmm" to show you were thinking about this? How about you actually say something more constructive next time! It would be much appreciated. Thanks!

theblackpoop | 0

#1733951 - Monday 22 November 2010 10:50

hmmm

TheRealFamilyGuy | 5

#1734030 - Monday 22 November 2010 11:20

sounds like when I had a one night stand with lindsey lohan. I had to leave before she stole my wallet and watch for drug money.

liray | 4

#1734070 - Monday 22 November 2010 11:40

hmmm

jewban | 3

#1734253 - Monday 22 November 2010 12:34

5 and 16 you guys are just pissed because you didn't get 1st comment honestly let the dude right whatever they want. don't be little bitches

jewban | 3

#1734261 - Monday 22 November 2010 12:35

write*

jewban | 3

#1734267 - Monday 22 November 2010 12:37

write *

mobetta126 | 0

#1734382 - Monday 22 November 2010 13:05

I can't believe people are lame enough to bash someone for saying hmmm. It is such a shame.

PplMakeMistakes | 2

#1738758 - Tuesday 23 November 2010 6:35

hmmhmm..

thatguy32692 | 4

#3458579 - Thursday 20 October 2011 2:00

Op just said their mother said he didn't spend the night so it wasn't a one night stand it was a fuck and duck

By ricars | 5

#1733416 - Monday 22 November 2010 9:08

I don't see why people get bothered about being 'accidents'. I doubt my parents meant to have me and that's fine. of course never meeting your father over it is another thing altogether