Work: Today, at work a lady asked for a burrito, large coke, and hot...

By Anonymous - United States - Waunakee

Today, at work a lady asked for a burrito, large coke, and hot sauce. While repeating back the order, the words got stuck and I accidentally said large cock. I got written up for being inappropriate. FML

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Work

The old switcheroo

Goodbye Bill

Long story short

By johnnycomehelpme - United States - Skokie

Today, I found out that my girlfriend was cheating on me. Her excuse? I was the one that had initially introduced them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was lying on the floor playing with my cat. I was holding her in the air, when my sister tripped over the TV cord and unplugged the cable. The TV made a loud fuzzy sound, I got scared and threw my cat in the air. I got scratched in the face by a falling cat. FML

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By konacoffee17 - United States - Portland

Today, I was having a nice conversation with my fiancé when he said out of nowhere, "I sold some of your panties". I thought he was joking so I said I hoped they weren't any of my favorites. He wasn't joking, though, and now some stranger from Craigslist owns my panties. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tacoma

Today, I went into my former workplace. While there, an ex-coworker told me that after I quit, they split my position into two separate jobs. When I worked there, my boss had told me to suck it up whenever I said there was too much work for just one person. FML

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By Amanda Howard - 15/3/2020 09:00

When you gotta go, you gotta go

Today, I came home after being stuck in traffic needing to pee really badly. When I went to the bathroom, my boyfriend was on the toilet. I couldn't hold it longer, so I went into the woods behind our house and found a bush. Relieving myself, my butt started to itch. I was sitting in poison ivy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, a teacher told me in all seriousness that she believes my son, who has severe learning difficulties, is likely demonically possessed. I'm sorry, but what century are we living in? Now I have to get him moved to another school so he doesn't have to be in the care of this nutjob. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth taken out. I happen to be allergic to all types of pain medication. FML

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By Thebestman123 - United States

Today, my mom was screaming at me and said, "I wish I'd never adopted you." I guess I'm adopted then. FML

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By Fmycatslife - United States

Today, I got my cat stuffed after her death. I brought her home and set her down by my couch. I guess my dog thought it was a new chew toy. FML

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By samaram - United States

Today, during a series of violent sneezes due to a cold, I bit my tongue. My tongue is now so swollen I cannot close my mouth and am drooling profusely. I have to get ready to go to my job as a cashier. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, I asked my boss to pay me for the only 2 sick days I had taken in 6 months, but he didn't want to. I reminded him that it's the law now in Germany, even for part-time work, so he said OK. Two hours later, he fired me. One week before my probationary period was up. FML

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By Jacobro - United States

Today, I bought a mini tracking device to attach to my wallet to keep me from losing it. Unfortunately, before I could put batteries in the tracking device, I lost it. FML

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By IntimidatorStag - United States

Today, I gave my girlfriend some non-alcoholic beer as a joke. In slurred speech, she told me I have the body of a monk seal. She then took my keys, staggered to my car, and drove away. She crashed into a tree two blocks later. She's fine. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2021 14:01

Slow moving accident

Today, I got into an accident, driving pretty slowly on a left turn signal trying to avoid a curb, sticking it out for too long, breaking a car's sideview mirror and causing scratches. The police was called. I have to appear in court for a misdemeanour for my first offence ever. Good bye student visa. FML

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By hahahaha91 - United States

Today, I woke up excited for my trip to Jamaica with my friends. We went to the airport, and I gave them my passport to check in. They gave it back. It had expired three weeks ago. I watched my friends board the plane while I'm stuck in the city. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I asked my daughter to buy me two pints of milk. Apparently, the shop only had four-pints, so she got that and poured half down the drain. FML

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By CollegeKid - United States - Urbana

Today, I found out all six classes I'm taking have finals on the same day. This is my first semester in college. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Zwijndrecht

Today, I was rehearsing for a school play. My drama teacher keeps criticising the part where I fake-trip, saying I make it look terribly fake. During today's rehearsal, I actually tripped for real, and smashed my kneecaps against the floor with a scream. He still said my "acting" sucked. FML

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By Burned - United States

Today, I went to the beach with my friends to show off my engagement ring. I fell asleep in the sun and woke up extremely sunburnt to a text from my boyfriend confessing that he's been cheating on me. I gave him the ring back. Now I have its tan line on my finger. FML

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By RecentCollegeGrad

Today, my mother got heartburn. She claimed she only gets heartburn when she is near a pregnant woman. She threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't take a pregnancy test, despite there being no way I was pregnant. Turns out, I am pregnant, and my mother's ego has never been bigger. FML

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By shit streak - 21/4/2020 20:00

KoBabe

Today, my husband was changing our son’s overflowing diaper. Instead of getting up and walking the putrid mess to the bin, he decided to shoot it basketball-style. He missed and it hit the wall, sliding down leaving a huge sloppy streak. He expected me to clean it. FML

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By yawho - Japan

Today, a customer that I've been waiting on for years came into the restaurant after a long absence. I said to him, "Hey man, it looks like you lost a lot of weight! How'd you do it?" He replied, "I got cancer." FML

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By PoorMe - United States

Today, I muted the TV just in time to hear my mom yell at my dad about how their sex life is "non-existent". FML

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By Ouch - Canada - Vancouver

Today, while running on the treadmill at the gym, I tried to wipe some sweat off my brow before it could make its way down into my eye. I ended up poking myself in the eye so hard that I yelped, stumbled and was thrown off the still-moving treadmill while trying to regain my balance. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2020 05:02

Bye bye Tiddles

Today, while I was driving around the neighborhood, I passed my neighbors' house only to see their dog with a full-grown dead cat in its mouth. Only one family owns a cat in our neighborhood. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that when my mom says she's going to kick me in the head to wake me up for an important interview, she actually means it. FML

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By Laura - United States

Today, I found out the people I babysit for have a nanny cam. Problem is, when I'm there, I act out scenarios in which I have the sweetest boyfriend. I also say his parts out loud in a man's voice. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found out the hard way that no good girlfriend-boyfriend conversation ever started with, "Suppose I slept with your best friend..." FML

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By LoveYouTooMa - United States

Today, I wasn't feeling too well and consequently threw up. In an effort to get some sympathy, I told my mom about what happened. Rather than trying to make me feel better, she yelled at me because I threw up in the bathroom sink "when the damn toilet is two feet away." Thanks mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was pretending to be an angry bear while babysitting a 3 year old boy, and an 19 month old girl. I was chasing them around the house having a great time. Just when I bent over to pick up his sister for a diaper change the 3 year old decided it was his turn. He bit me square on the ass. FML

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By Tai - Australia

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for cumming inside her because she didnt want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

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By Demetria - United States - White Plains

Today, I had to go down to the county police department to bail out my kids who thought it would be a good idea to try mugging an ice cream truck driver. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I stretched really hard when I woke up, only to feel something twang. This was followed by a really sharp pain. Thinking I'd given myself a hernia, I got up to check myself in the mirror, and was repulsed by the bulge I saw hanging out of my gut. Then I realised it was just my own flab. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I canceled my Gamefly account. Seems that was the only thing keeping us together. FML

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By WesJaz - United States

Today, I was working as a cashier and a woman brought up a suitcase. As I was ringing her up I checked inside like I'm supposed to and I very jokingly say, "Look at all the stuff you're stealing." She laughed nervously then hit me in the head with her heavy purse before running out of the store. FML

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By Phycheledic - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the daycare in my area. When this one kid was leaving, he asked his mom, "Why is she so ugly?" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I went into work and noticed one of my fellow colleagues had a large bunch of flowers on her desk. As soon as I saw her, I immediately said, "Happy Birthday!" Everyone went quiet. It wasn't her birthday; her father had died. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Erie

Today, I went to the restaurant where my date and I were supposed to meet. After half an hour he still hadn't arrived, so I texted him. He replied with a half-hearted apology and said he couldn't come because his cat had fallen asleep on his lap and he didn't want to wake it. FML

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By tcm123 - United States - Champaign

Today, maintenance came to fix the constantly beeping alarm system near my apartment. They changed it from beeping on-and-off to one never-ending beep, similar to the sound of my sanity flat-lining. FML

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By Koda

Today, I passed out when my blood sugar dropped. Three times. And each time, my roommate, who was right next to me, just let me fall because he liked the way my face looked. FML

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Top comments

By foolest | 7

#7408025 - Friday 10 February 2017 16:04

but did she say yes?

By RichardPencil | 29

#7408020 - Friday 10 February 2017 16:02

See? Not all women want a large cock.

Take that, porn! Hah!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 29

#7408020 - Friday 10 February 2017 16:02

See? Not all women want a large cock.

Take that, porn! Hah!

unsealingkale | 18

#7408143 - Friday 10 February 2017 19:34

Oh hey, that's good news for me...

By foolest | 7

#7408025 - Friday 10 February 2017 16:04

but did she say yes?

By OysterPearls | 33

#7408060 - Friday 10 February 2017 17:02

Did someone overhear or did she complain? Either way FYL!

By RodzillaX | 30

#7408062 - Friday 10 February 2017 17:10

I feel you OP. I was carrying a caesar and salmon salad once, and asked who ordered the semen salad. We all mess up.

By saberjpg | 6

#7408066 - Friday 10 February 2017 17:15

That's ridiculous. More than once, back in the day at Blockbuster Video, I said to a customer "Would you like to add a Coke and Cockporn.... a Coke and Popcorn for $1.99?" It was an honest tongue tied accident, everybody knew it, and it shouldn't be taken as an offense.

Benmantha | 31

#7408172 - Friday 10 February 2017 20:26

Coke & Cockporn is from now on my favorite tongue twister. & it sounds like an awesome band name.

By firefightereha | 4

#7408080 - Friday 10 February 2017 17:34

sorry you got in trouble. This day and age everyone gets offended about everything. It was an honest mistake.

By jcash52426 | 5

#7408129 - Friday 10 February 2017 19:06

I'm good I got my own big cock to play with.

By Ilmoran | 20

#7408155 - Friday 10 February 2017 20:04

You mean she didn't want a large chicken burrito?

By domg0430 | 0

#7408204 - Friday 10 February 2017 21:17

wow I know that I would city if I was in your position

By ACCOUNTKILLER | 18

#7408392 - Saturday 11 February 2017 5:03

I used to work with a lady from the Philippines who would complain about how other Asians said coke; "It's pronounced cock! COCK!"