Intimacy: Today, after giving me my very first orgasm, my boyfriend sat...

By right - United Kingdom - Weymouth

Today, after giving me my very first orgasm, my boyfriend sat me down and had a serious chat with me about my orgasm face. Apparently it reminded him of the scene in the Exorcist with the possessed girl, and it really freaked him out. FML

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Intimacy

Serious times

Dangling modifier

Smooth criminal

By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my boss sent out an email with the subject line "Urgent". He accidentally left the body of the email blank. I replied to all staff "You're firing blanks Peter". I later heard that his wife once got drunk and told everyone that they couldn't have kids because he has a low sperm count. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my phone rang. We continued to have sex while I took the call. It was my gyno calling to tell me that I tested positive for chlamydia and that I needed to tell my partner. Yeah, sex ended real quick. FML

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By Jumja - Netherlands

Today, I found out my boyfriends' mother has invented a new kind of cake and named it after me: not because it's delicious, but because of the amount of fat in it. FML

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By DDboy

Going pro

Today, I got yelled at by one of the managers at my store for tucking in my shirt in the crew room. She called it unprofessional and offensive. It was my first day. FML

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By dilligaf - United States

Today, I had to choose between staying with my boyfriend and moving out to a better job. I chose my boyfriend. He promptly left me because I didn't take the job. FML

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By ieatoreos

Today, an aunt that I'd had a massive falling out with passed away. My entire extended family refuses to speak to me, because they think I "had something to do with it". I live several hundred miles from her. FML

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By leeseyxoxo - United States

Today, I learned, 15 years later, that my puppy from when I was 4, was not taken by Santa because he was in need of a reindeer. My parents took him to the shelter because they thought he was ugly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the creepy girl in my history class told me that she once spent a whole period doing nothing but counting the freckles on the right side of my face, and that I have more than she's ever seen before on anyone else combined. FML

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By Tiffosaur - United States

Today, I went on a blind date. As soon as my date saw me walking towards him, he checked his watch and said, "Oops, wrong place." Then walked right past me. FML

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By shouldhavestayedinbed - United Kingdom

Today, my doorbell rang while I was still in bed. I leapt out and immediately got a severe cramp in one leg, then, staggering around trying to throw some clothes on, I scraped the other leg badly enough to draw blood. When I got to the door there was nobody there, just a parcel on the doorstep. FML

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By Adam

Today, I had a job interview at a Holiday Inn. I got there ten minutes early and sat until 1:00 p.m., then told the person at the front desk I was there for my interview. She called the manager, who said that no interviews were scheduled today. I'd gone to the wrong Holiday Inn. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, while out for dinner with my parents, a woman, approximately the same age as my mother, repeatedly propositioned me for sex during the course of my meal. After declining firmly several times, she only stopped after my mother convinced her I was gay. FML

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By Anonymous - Vietnam

Today, I checked into a hotel because my boss had assigned me to a new position. As soon as the reception lady looked up, she had me kicked out of the hotel. Apparently, one of the regulations is, "No prostitutes allowed." I was wearing a business suit. FML

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By GotGasNotLuck - Australia - Girraween

Today, at my job in a gas station, a customer who had previously driven off without paying came in to shout abuse at me because I had said in the police statement, "He looks about 60." He is apparently 55. He didn't come in to pay, he came in to swear at me. FML

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By Courtney - United States

Today, I was so tired that I fell asleep on the toilet, and then had to give my boss a valid reason for why I was late. FML

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By Chicketi - Canada

Today, I cut myself on a band-aid box, while trying to get one out for another cut. FML

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By Jim - Canada - Winfield

Bigger than...

Today, I was looking for my passport and I found my wife's new vibrator (that she failed to tell me she'd purchased). I understand now why she doesn't want sex with me anymore. That thing is much bigger than I am. FML

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By ulring - United States

Today, I walked all the way across campus to eat the first meal I've had all day. After waiting for my food in a congested line for 30 minutes, I got to the register to pay. Turns out my wallet was a twenty minute walk away, back in my apartment. FML

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By kay-z - United States

Today, my dad heard that the guy who bullied me at school died recently of a drug overdose. For some reason, he thinks we were actually best friends, and thinks I'm doing drugs too. I'm now not allowed out of the house except to go to school. He won't listen to a word I say. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at college, the weird guy who stares at me every day came over, said, "I've made you a mixtape," then handed me an old, empty Queen's Greatest Hits CD case and scuttled off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Albany

Today, in my film class, we were watching Schindler's List. At least, we tried. The moron next to me kept interrupting the most intense scenes with a very loud, "I don't get it." Not only did she break the focus of the class, but we had to keep stopping the movie to explain it to her. FML

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By longdistancemyass

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is currently dating a girl who lives in Korea. We broke up because I was moving to a different part of the city for college and he thought the distance would be "too much." FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Valencia

Today, I was driving my 7-year-old daughter to school, when out of nowhere a bird smashed into the windshield. Instead of screaming or being traumatized by the gore like me, my daughter started laughing, eventually calling the bird a "stupid bastard". FML

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By Diana - United States

We hear ya

Today, I found out that falling asleep with a bobby pin in your hair means waking up with one jammed in your ear drum. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had nothing better to do than make a penis out of silly putty. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Tatamagouche

Today, I was singing in the shower, not realising the window was open. When I got out, the neighbours were at the front door, loudly arguing with my mother. They were complaining about my awful singing. FML

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By that one anon - United States - San Diego

Today, I called one of my old coworkers to see how she was doing. My boyfriend answered the phone. FML

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By Lovejunkie - United States

Today, after finalizing my divorce, I decided to go out with a guy I had been ogling for months, after much anticipation and a few rounds of drinks at the bar, I was ready to roll. Much to my disappointment, his penis was so small the condom wouldn't stay on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I smoked weed with friends. Stoned, I put on my sister's high heels instead of my Vans and I walked to 7-11. FML

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By HappyBirthdayISuppose - United States - Westminster

Today, for my birthday, the only "gift" my parents gave me was the gift of choice: I got to choose which one of them I'll be living with after their upcoming divorce. This was the first time I'd heard anything about a divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got a free temporary tattoo of a scorpion in a packet of potato chips and decided to wear it on my wrist. Whilst I was in the shower, I got a shock, thinking it was a spider. I then lost balance and slipped, banging my head on the faucet. FML

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By oldandmarriedapparently - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend for the first time in a while. When he came over we realized that we had not only gotten the same haircut, but we were also wearing the same sweater. We are a matching old couple at 17. FML

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By chickfilady

Today, I was talking to a customer, when I choked on my spit. After I could breathe again I was so embarrassed I said the first thing that popped into my head, which was, "I'm sorry, I don't know how to swallow." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, after years of loneliness, I met the most amazing girl on Omegle. We spoke for ages and really clicked. But before either of us could exchange numbers, I lost my internet connection and her along with it. FML

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By Kaeyne - United States

Today, I had an elaborate plan to ask this girl to Prom, and it was going to take a few minutes to set up. I asked my friend to distract her. He decided to distract her by asking her to Prom. She said "Yes". FML

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By SpideyFace - Canada

Today, with water in my eyes, I stepped out of the shower and rubbed my face with a towel. When I looked in the mirror, I realized there had been a giant spider on the towel. Its guts and legs were smeared all over my face. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I sent an email to a girl I like about how I really feel about her. She later replied "Real funny, tell Michael to change his password!" FML

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By kids are meh - United States - Ponchatoula

Today, I told my cousin it would be okay if he stayed the weekend after a fight with his wife. He didn't tell me he was bringing his 4 kids. They've watched funny cat videos for hours and they laugh like maniacs. FML

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By Dick the Greater

Today, I took my girlfriend to meet my parents at a family dinner. There was plenty of alcohol on offer, as is normal at our get-togethers. She got blind drunk and ended up crying to my mum about how I can't please her because I have a small penis and my oral sucks. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2020 08:01 - Canada

Leave me alone

Today, my brother turned into a fanatical vegan, and while I was eating my scrambled eggs, sat across from me glaring and whispering, "fried embryo, amniotic fluid" the entire time. I have a feeling i'll be eating most of my meals in my room from now on. FML

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Top comments

By WorryNot | 19

#5610005 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:11

Like its something you can control

By meggieeee92 | 15

#5610010 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:12

Nobody has cute orgasm faces. Tell him to look in the mirror next time he comes.

COMMENTS

By WorryNot | 19

#5610005 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:11

Like its something you can control

mn_shr | 22

#5610059 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:28

Well it was OP's first time. The face will be easier to control with time.

Juneyah1017 | 9

#5610102 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:43

How long did it take you 22? Lol

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#5610218 - Friday 2 August 2013 22:18

#22 no one should have to ever control their orgasm face.

gc327072 | 29

#5610227 - Friday 2 August 2013 22:22

That's like trying not to scream after getting your foot run over.

negb | 30

#5610290 - Friday 2 August 2013 23:34

Honestly, most people's orgasm faces aren't super gorgeous. When you have an orgasm, I think you'd rather enjoy it than think "Oh my god, ok calm down. You can do this. Have a pretty face. Look hot for him."

KinkyCurly | 13

#5610680 - Saturday 3 August 2013 4:46

^Yup. It would totally turn me off if I had to focus on controlling my face.

EvanEvanEvan | 3

#5611054 - Saturday 3 August 2013 9:25

That's fairly funny.I would close my eyes if I were OP

Caitie_kid | 8

#5611234 - Saturday 3 August 2013 14:18

Pillow over face. Problem solved for both both parties.

By meggieeee92 | 15

#5610010 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:12

Nobody has cute orgasm faces. Tell him to look in the mirror next time he comes.

Black_Rose97 | 9

#5610035 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:19

that might be hard to do.. we usually keep our eyes closed

jessBeAqueen | 13

#5610246 - Friday 2 August 2013 22:39

time to use insta vid!

OscarDV | 8

#5610277 - Friday 2 August 2013 23:12

11- idk about you, but I like looking at whoever's giving me the orgasm. So I guess closing your eyes is the same thing ;)

Damned_Architect | 25

#5610932 - Saturday 3 August 2013 7:07

In fact, one's orgasm face is called a "fuck face" for a reason; because it ain't pretty looking.

By misspulkadot24 | 17

#5610012 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:12

Nothing a paper bag can't fix!

migmit | 11

#5610074 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:32

Exactly what I was thinking.

FML_TJ | 21

#5610187 - Friday 2 August 2013 21:51

For him, of course.

By QQmore_fml | 18

#5610016 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:13

Doggy style for the win!

sisco2901 | 20

#5610283 - Friday 2 August 2013 23:19

Not gonna help when you think of The Exorcist...

By slooby_fml | 25

#5610018 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:14

That sucks since you can't control it. He should just be happy that he gave you an orgasm

ryanthecheeseguy | 18

#5610269 - Friday 2 August 2013 23:06

Next time just pretend you don't orgasm and chew him out for his bad sexual skills.

By jbgurl98 | 9

#5610019 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:14

Next time start contorting and screaming in Latin!

LittlestPrincess | 21

#5610024 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:17

and backwards!

By Wizardo | 33

#5610020 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:15

The Exorcist was seriously one of the funniest films I've ever seen, if anything your O face wasn't scary.

By noelasis94 | 18

#5610028 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:17

So he's saying you don't have a pretty O face?

Ctrl_H | 18

#5610068 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:30

Well when you put it that way...yah

By cottoncandymango | 17

#5610039 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:20

At least you weren't faking your orgasms. Ungrateful boyfriend you have.

By TaiReiSi | 12

#5610040 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:20

What possessed him to say that?