Today, after giving me my very first orgasm, my boyfriend sat...

By right - 2/8/2013 14:08 - United Kingdom - Weymouth

Today, after giving me my very first orgasm, my boyfriend sat me down and had a serious chat with me about my orgasm face. Apparently it reminded him of the scene in the Exorcist with the possessed girl, and it really freaked him out. FML

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Intimacy

Race against the clock

Spooky

Risky business

By Failure - 22/5/2015 22:14 - Germany - Oschersleben

Today, my aunt, whom I live with, told me she is going to move out and demanded her half of the rent back, as she only spent two days a week there. When I told her that's not how rent works, she called my mom to tell her what a failure she had raised. Her own sons are unemployed drug addicts. FML

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By FaceTime issues - 6/4/2014 06:57 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, I called my mom to ask for some help with my dishwasher. Somehow, the call got turned into a video call. I was wearing a bathrobe, and she was naked in her bathroom. Most awkward call ever. FML

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By OkieThePokie - 7/8/2017 13:00

Today, I found out that my unborn son has an abnormally large head. I have an abnormally small and narrow pelvis, and I'm allergic to local anesthetic, so no epidural or spinal for me! FML

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By nixwolfwood - 19/12/2016 21:14

Today, I woke up to a fog. Literally. A pipe burst in my apartment and scalding water was everywhere. To make matters worse, when I called maintenance he told me he'd come by later, hung up on me, and turned his phone off. He did eventually show up, but it was 5 hours later, well after I'd paid a plumber $200. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2019 02:02

Today, I pointed out to my manager that I haven’t been paid for my first month's work. They told me my paperwork had been misplaced, so I hadn’t actually been hired yet. So I just worked a full month for free. Oh, and apparently they’re not legally obligated to pay me, so I’m not getting paid. FML

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By becca - 21/8/2010 04:04 - United States

Today, I spent five minutes waiting by a stop sign. The two cars in front of me were taking a long time to move, so I began beeping and getting angry. Turns out, these cars were parked and I was holding up a line of traffic. FML

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By Loney - 22/4/2018 19:00

#blessed

Today, I had to let my nosy landlord into my apartment to ensure I didn't have an unapproved guest over. Why? Because she overheard me sneeze, and then bless myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2019 04:00

Today, my wife read a Facebook article about how oral sex can lead to mouth and/or throat infections, and is now avoiding all forms of sex, in case my penis happens to give her the bubonic plague. FML

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By rewarded - 20/10/2010 14:33 - India

Today, for the second time in 5 months I was recognized for my hard work, sincerity and all the adjectives that they use to describe good employees. What was my reward? A piece of chocolate. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2020 02:02

Kids say the darndest things

Today, I asked my 2-year-old if he loved me. His response? “No mama, stop.” FML

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By Kwalker3 - 6/5/2012 06:39 - United States - Tracy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I was really close to climaxing, when he suddenly stopped, smirked, and said, "Hang on, I'm buffering." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2010 14:13 - United Kingdom

Today, my boss texted me to say the office was closed because of the snow. I begged him to let me go in anyway because I had nothing to do all day. I have no life, friends or hobbies. FML

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By lunarboy - 17/2/2009 00:24 - United States

Today, I decided to watch some porn before bed. The lights were off and my roommate was already asleep behind me. I put on my noise-canceling headphones and turned up the volume all the way. After a few strokes my roommate got up and plugged in the headphones for me. FML

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By Dashofweak - 26/4/2016 16:17 - United States - Mount Vernon

Today, I did the math and discovered that every year, I pay the equivalent cost of a luxury car to a college that can't even keep rats out of the dorms. FML

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By Farva - 24/1/2009 23:52 - United States

Today, I made a Craigslist ad looking for hot and horny women that wanted some. I only got one reply, from another guy asking me if this kind of thing actually works. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2015 05:12 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I thought I had carbon monoxide poisoning because I had the symptoms and my detector was going off. I called the fire dept, they checked me, they checked my apartment. My apartment is fine; I'm just out of shape, have high blood pressure, and don't know how to work simple electronics. FML

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By sugar - 18/10/2010 12:23 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years told his friend that he decided a long time ago that he would never be faithful to a woman. I was sitting next to him. FML

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By sly - 4/1/2009 03:55 - France

Today, I tried to cuddle Simon, my five year old son. He wriggled away and said: "If you need a teddy bear, go buy one! Or find another Simon!" FML

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By stephhh055 - 21/10/2019 16:00 - United States - Portland

Valid reason

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend for the first time, he told me he wanted to break up. He told me my orgasm face wasn't something he could put up with. FML

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By Juggernaut Drive - 31/10/2018 05:00

Today, my little sister got into my anime DVDs, probably thinking they were cartoons. She watched High School DXD, which isn't the best anime for a 6-year-old. Now she wants to be the Breast Dragon Emperor for Halloween and Dad is threatening to set fire to my entire collection. FML

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By OTZ - 26/1/2010 11:30 - France

Today, I went on a date with the hottest guy I've ever met. He is also rich and successful, and would probably be perfect for me, if only he could stop bragging about it. FML

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By thisisme - 17/1/2011 01:37 - Canada

Today, I was on a plane. When my flight attendant brought me my drink, it had a lid and a straw. He told me, very seriously, "not to spill." No one else got a lid. I'm 18, and apparently I look spill-prone. FML

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By - 30/12/2009 11:16 - France

Today, after going to college for 5 years to become an architect I discover my plumber makes more than I do. FML

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By Donezoo - 8/1/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, my car was broken into. They broke the passenger side window and took my radio system. But they didn't take the remote for it. FML

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By Sam - 26/9/2011 11:46 - Australia

Today, in a desperate attempt to get my business "out there", I dropped a few of my cards on a station floor. I got a call, even a quote. A $500 fine from the transit for public littering. FML

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By sickofit - 31/12/2016 08:24 - United States - Charlotte

Today, at work, our boss's son came in to help. The whole time he was there he sat in the back on his phone not helping and whenever we asked him to do something, he had an attitude. The only time he voluntarily got up to help was when his dad came in to check on the restaurant. FML

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By ohmylordy - 29/10/2010 05:48 - United States

Today, while talking with my girlfriend about dating, I learned that she has had more girlfriends than I have. FML

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By allennn - 14/3/2010 14:56 - France

Today, I went to a party, and the girl I really like started telling me how much she likes me and how she thought we would be good together. I was so drunk I threw up on her. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/9/2019 02:02

Today, despite filling all the parameters for a model employee and being praised by multiple people over the time I was working, I was fired because a client complained to my manager that I didn't seem to know what I was doing. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2016 16:01 - United States - Worcester

Today, I finally had sex after a year-long dry spell. It caused an ovarian cyst to rupture and ended up with me in the ER. I'm afraid to ever have sex again. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2014 21:30 - Iceland

Today, my mom made me go shopping with her. It was freezing out, but she didn't wear a coat, boasting that she doesn't feel the chill like I do. By the time we drove home she was whining about freezing to death, and now I'm stuck in a house whose heating is set to "inferno". FML

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By The_Rest_of_the_Story - 14/12/2013 06:38 - United States - Effingham

Today, I would like to thank the program designer that put "Set as home page" directly under "Remove from history". FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2015 14:58 - United States - Redlands

Today, my mother informed me that she sold my dog to pay off some bills. FML

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By Nikki - 20/11/2019 05:00

My package

Today, I finally received the vibrator I ordered online. Too bad they labeled what the item was on the outside of the box, and my dad was the one to pick up the packages. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2009 04:12 - United States

Today, I heard a little girl saying how much she didnt want braces to her mom because they hurt and make people look ugly. I looked at her and said, "Aww, there not that bad. See, I have them!" I then smiled to show her. She turned to her mom and said, "See!" then started to cry. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2019 00:00

Today, I was fired from my babysitting job because the baby’s first word was my name. Well, I’m sorry, but if you ask me to look after your child 14 hours a day, 6 days a week, and by the time you pick them up they’re already asleep, of course they’re going to know my name better than yours. FML

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By TraumatizedMother - 2/10/2011 07:27 - United States

Today, my six-year-old got in an argument with my four-year-old. I told them to go outside. The next thing I know, my son was standing in front of his sister's burning Barbie's Malibu Dream House, singing "Burn Baby Burn" and cackling madly. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2014 18:39 - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I asked my sister what she thought of my boyfriend. She said, "He's nice. Deserves better than you, really." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2012 08:24 - United States

Today, after complaining that I had nothing to write about in my weekly journal for college, my professor suggested in front of everyone that I should get a girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2011 13:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a music festival, watching one of my favorite bands. The security guys were throwing water into the crowd to cool us down. I saw some about to be thrown by another fan, so I stood with my mouth open to catch some of it. I ended up with a face full of hot piss. FML

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Top comments

By WorryNot | 19

#5610005 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:11

Like its something you can control

By meggieeee92 | 15

#5610010 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:12

Nobody has cute orgasm faces. Tell him to look in the mirror next time he comes.

COMMENTS

By WorryNot | 19

#5610005 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:11

Like its something you can control

mn_shr | 22

#5610059 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:28

Well it was OP's first time. The face will be easier to control with time.

Juneyah1017 | 9

#5610102 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:43

How long did it take you 22? Lol

mfmylifesrsly | 29

#5610218 - Friday 2 August 2013 22:18

#22 no one should have to ever control their orgasm face.

gc327072 | 29

#5610227 - Friday 2 August 2013 22:22

That's like trying not to scream after getting your foot run over.

negb | 30

#5610290 - Friday 2 August 2013 23:34

Honestly, most people's orgasm faces aren't super gorgeous. When you have an orgasm, I think you'd rather enjoy it than think "Oh my god, ok calm down. You can do this. Have a pretty face. Look hot for him."

KinkyCurly | 13

#5610680 - Saturday 3 August 2013 4:46

^Yup. It would totally turn me off if I had to focus on controlling my face.

EvanEvanEvan | 3

#5611054 - Saturday 3 August 2013 9:25

That's fairly funny.I would close my eyes if I were OP

Caitie_kid | 8

#5611234 - Saturday 3 August 2013 14:18

Pillow over face. Problem solved for both both parties.

By meggieeee92 | 15

#5610010 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:12

Nobody has cute orgasm faces. Tell him to look in the mirror next time he comes.

Black_Rose97 | 9

#5610035 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:19

that might be hard to do.. we usually keep our eyes closed

jessBeAqueen | 13

#5610246 - Friday 2 August 2013 22:39

time to use insta vid!

OscarDV | 8

#5610277 - Friday 2 August 2013 23:12

11- idk about you, but I like looking at whoever's giving me the orgasm. So I guess closing your eyes is the same thing ;)

Damned_Architect | 25

#5610932 - Saturday 3 August 2013 7:07

In fact, one's orgasm face is called a "fuck face" for a reason; because it ain't pretty looking.

By misspulkadot24 | 17

#5610012 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:12

Nothing a paper bag can't fix!

migmit | 11

#5610074 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:32

Exactly what I was thinking.

FML_TJ | 21

#5610187 - Friday 2 August 2013 21:51

For him, of course.

By QQmore_fml | 18

#5610016 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:13

Doggy style for the win!

sisco2901 | 20

#5610283 - Friday 2 August 2013 23:19

Not gonna help when you think of The Exorcist...

By slooby_fml | 25

#5610018 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:14

That sucks since you can't control it. He should just be happy that he gave you an orgasm

ryanthecheeseguy | 18

#5610269 - Friday 2 August 2013 23:06

Next time just pretend you don't orgasm and chew him out for his bad sexual skills.

By jbgurl98 | 9

#5610019 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:14

Next time start contorting and screaming in Latin!

LittlestPrincess | 21

#5610024 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:17

and backwards!

By Wizardo | 33

#5610020 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:15

The Exorcist was seriously one of the funniest films I've ever seen, if anything your O face wasn't scary.

By noelasis94 | 18

#5610028 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:17

So he's saying you don't have a pretty O face?

Ctrl_H | 18

#5610068 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:30

Well when you put it that way...yah

By cottoncandymango | 17

#5610039 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:20

At least you weren't faking your orgasms. Ungrateful boyfriend you have.

By TaiReiSi | 12

#5610040 - Friday 2 August 2013 19:20

What possessed him to say that?