Intimacy: Today, after giving me my very first orgasm, my boyfriend sat... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 336

You deserved it 88

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 137

You deserved it 1 196

02/08/2013 14:08

Spicy

Today, after giving me my very first orgasm, my boyfriend sat me down and had a serious chat with me about my orgasm face. Apparently it reminded him of the scene in the Exorcist with the possessed girl, and it really freaked him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 499

You deserved it 8 194

Not now, mom, I'm in pain

For the union makes us strong

Blue Christmas

Send message

By Tristan - 30/07/2020 02:01

Today, while messaging a possible new hire to set up an interview at my retail job, I meant to say, "Thank you for being flexible" - in regards to scheduling. Instead, it autocorrected to, "Thank you for being delicious." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 213

You deserved it 311

13/10/2011 21:30

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me that the only reason he likes me is because I let him watch porn without throwing a fuss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 036

You deserved it 7 000

28/03/2012 18:02

Today, the magic of witnessing a sheep giving birth was ruined for me when I slipped and fell in the puddle of birth fluids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 683

You deserved it 5 331

06/01/2010 05:24

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house so that he could break up with me. I went out to my car to leave only to discover that all of the wheels had been stolen. Even the spare. I had to spend the rest of the day with my ex-boyfriend finding a way to get my car home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 197

You deserved it 3 302

13/07/2009 22:18

Today, I had to clean my walls with those Mr Clean Magic Sponges because we were having visitors. I got bored and started drawing penises with it because they would leave wet marks. There is nothing magic about how slow they dry when your visitors come an hour early. They saw all ten of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 422

You deserved it 65 841

03/08/2015 06:06

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months and I had sex for the first time last night. This afternoon he texted me saying, "I had an amazing night with you yesterday." Following that text he said, "I forgot to tell you I have an STD." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 759

You deserved it 7 312

06/04/2013 19:41

Spicy

Today, I was discussing possible career choices with my relatives. Pretty much everyone expressed the belief that I'm screwed for life, with my grandma commenting later: "She ain't even got the tits for porn. God help her." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 254

You deserved it 4 416

25/02/2011 18:44

Today, I got a call from my daughter's school. Apparently, she was learning about the food pyramid and when she was asked to identify what she had eaten the day before, she said "dog food". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 957

You deserved it 4 575

17/05/2015 16:08

Today, I took my family to Disneyland. My husband had more fun than my five year old daughter. He was hitting on the princesses. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 528

You deserved it 3 172

Starfish

By WhyBother - 21/02/2021 05:02

Spicy

Today, while having sex with my husband, I was tired so a lot more of a starfish than I usually am. My husband came sooner and harder than he ever had, and declared it the best sex we've had. FML

I agree, your life sucks 971

You deserved it 280

26/01/2009 15:51

Today, I met the girl who dumped me because the distance between us was too great. We're in the same city again. She's now dating a Marine in Iraq. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 040

You deserved it 2 797

16/05/2017 20:00

Today, I accidentally superglued my hand to my grandmother's ornate fan while trying to fix it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 380

You deserved it 799

31/12/2014 08:08

Today, I had to pick up and drive home a couple of drunk bitches. Unfortunately, one of these drunk bitches was my mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 831

You deserved it 4 850

04/06/2011 09:36

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from high school at the exact pizza shop we met at where I worked in high school. She broke it off with me after she caught me cheating with her best friend. These days, she's a lawyer who makes six figures a year. I still work at the same pizza shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 280

You deserved it 125 626

21/11/2017 05:00

Today, I found out that the little red dots all over my body aren't some horrible disease like I originally thought. They're bedbug bites. I've managed to not notice a huge infestation for 5 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 422

You deserved it 1 089

18/03/2016 12:49

Today, I found out that my sister's kids refer to me as their 'Druncle'. I guess I have to admit to myself that I'm an alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 893

You deserved it 16 134

01/07/2016 18:24

Spicy

Today, I lost my virginity. We'd both waited until marriage, so I thought it'd be nice and romantic. Nope. He slipped it into my ass and claimed he didn't know which hole was the right one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 623

You deserved it 5 168

07/02/2018 15:00

Today, I went and had my first ultrasound done. My husband said he had a meeting at work, and couldn't come. As I was leaving, I saw him at the doctor's office with another heavily pregnant woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 206

You deserved it 514

31/05/2014 20:04

Today, I spent several hours downtown with my violent grandma, after she was arrested for threatening a guy with a gun. His crime? "Trespassing" by ringing the doorbell and asking if she was interested in donating to charity. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 815

You deserved it 3 870

11/07/2019 06:00

Spicy

Today, I got home from work early to find my boyfriend spread eagle on the couch, taking pictures of his anus. Apparently, that's what his other girlfriend is into. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 594

You deserved it 207

16/07/2010 23:43

Today, I learned that my mom's laptop was originally my Christmas gift. She opened it and decided she liked it so much she should have it. I got hot rollers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 690

You deserved it 2 707

16/04/2013 07:23

Today, I was about to break up with my psycho girlfriend. As I sat her down, she told me she wanted to show me something. She then took off her shirt to reveal my name tattooed across her chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 943

You deserved it 7 707

23/08/2009 17:50

Today, I had a party at my house. When my parents came home, my dad asked how the party was. I told him I didn't know what he was talking about, to which he responded "Well the puke all over the driveway begs to differ." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 617

You deserved it 51 593

04/04/2011 17:36

Today, my dad woke me up for the second time to get me ready for school. Wanting me to prove I was really awake, he made me sit up. As soon as he left my room, I dozed off and faceplanted my nightstand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 264

You deserved it 44 434

Armed and not dangerous

By littledonny - 12/05/2017 18:00

Today, I went to school wearing the same jacket I had gone hiking in the previous day. When I found out that I had left my 2" pocket knife in the pocket I immediately turned it in to the front office. They promptly had me arrested for bringing a weapon on campus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 940

You deserved it 1 260

31/08/2011 14:02

Today, while playing with bubble wrap, I dislocated my thumb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 349

You deserved it 14 622

24/01/2012 19:50

Today, I found out that my wife has been having an affair with the guy who's been trying to get our relationship back on track. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 180

You deserved it 3 090

01/10/2015 01:42

Today, I was supposed to start my new job. I had forgotten I had a doctor's appointment, so I called work early and told them I wouldn't be able to start until tomorrow. My boss then terminated my employment. I got fired before I even started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 317

You deserved it 30 497

10/09/2014 17:16

Today, I started a new job. Three of my Kenyan coworkers keep getting together and reminding me that having more than one wife is okay in their country. I've gotten 3 marriage proposals from married men so far. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 917

You deserved it 3 411

26/06/2019 16:03

Today, I’m counting the things my mother has broken or ruined since I let her move in with me a year ago. So far, the list contains a Christmas tree, my power drill, a toaster oven, inherited kitchen knives, an expensive bath towel set, multiple kitchen gadgets, a flatbed scanner and a laser printer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 706

You deserved it 257

27/10/2009 03:15

Today, at work, I realized that not everyone in the office needs to hear my explosive diarrhea through the a/c vents that interconnect through the entire building. I think an email was sent around, describing people's reactions in detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 030

You deserved it 3 033

07/01/2012 22:21

Today, I'm in Vegas to celebrate my 22nd birthday. I should be out having a blast, but a stomach virus thought otherwise. I'll be spending my birthday stuck in my hotel room eating microwaved soup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 405

You deserved it 2 787

27/07/2019 16:00

Today, my youngest of four children turned 18. It was also the same day that my ex-wife called to tell me that after 18 years of paying child support, I wasn't the father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 673

You deserved it 153

Apron strings

By heatherjo - 02/11/2011 04:49

Today, my fiancé told me he wants to buy an engagement ring for his mother, so that she doesn't feel left out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 397

You deserved it 3 916

It is weird

By huh? - 28/09/2020 05:02

Today, my wife called me a pervert and a degenerate for lusting after a teenage girl. I’d found some old pictures from high school and remarked about how sexy she’s always been. It was her I was talking about. I said she’d always been attractive, but liking her as a teen is now weird I guess. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 416

You deserved it 220

06/12/2014 20:22

Today, I put a picture on Facebook of me without makeup. A "friend" commented: "fuk me thts hideus!!" My dad replied: "Hideous, yes, just like your godawful spelling!" My mom yelled at my dad for agreeing with the guy, and they're still fighting. Meanwhile, my self-esteem is in the gutter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 199

You deserved it 3 760

23/04/2013 02:48

Today, I found out I was an alcoholic. Not from my friends or family, but because the ice-maker couldn't keep up with the amount of drinks I've been making. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 638

You deserved it 19 668

All or nothing

By FLkiki - 24/07/2020 20:00

Spicy

Today, I found out I didn’t get a job because I'd flashed the owner whilst drunk. Guess my tits weren’t better than my resume. FML

I agree, your life sucks 543

You deserved it 1 933

12/10/2010 23:51

Today, I started college after a night out. I'd got tipsy at the club and started dancing with a cute guy. He asked for my number. I didn't want to give it to him, so I gave him a rejection number. Guess who's the new professor for my bio class? And yes, he recognized me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 643

You deserved it 37 534

14/09/2013 00:37

Today, while out jogging with my mom, we saw my boyfriend walking in our direction. When we reached him, he took one look at my makeup-less face, then made a huge show of screaming in disgust before calmly walking away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 549

You deserved it 5 614

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Friday 2 August 2013 19:11

Like its something you can control

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Friday 2 August 2013 19:12

Nobody has cute orgasm faces. Tell him to look in the mirror next time he comes.

Comments

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Friday 2 August 2013 19:11

Like its something you can control

mn_shr 22

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Friday 2 August 2013 19:28

Well it was OP's first time. The face will be easier to control with time.

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Friday 2 August 2013 19:43

How long did it take you 22? Lol

mfmylifesrsly 29

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Friday 2 August 2013 22:18

#22 no one should have to ever control their orgasm face.

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Friday 2 August 2013 22:22

That's like trying not to scream after getting your foot run over.

negb 30

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Friday 2 August 2013 23:34

Honestly, most people's orgasm faces aren't super gorgeous. When you have an orgasm, I think you'd rather enjoy it than think "Oh my god, ok calm down. You can do this. Have a pretty face. Look hot for him."

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Saturday 3 August 2013 4:46

^Yup. It would totally turn me off if I had to focus on controlling my face.

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Saturday 3 August 2013 9:25

That's fairly funny.I would close my eyes if I were OP

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Saturday 3 August 2013 14:18

Pillow over face. Problem solved for both both parties.

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Friday 2 August 2013 19:12

Nobody has cute orgasm faces. Tell him to look in the mirror next time he comes.

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Friday 2 August 2013 19:19

that might be hard to do.. we usually keep our eyes closed

jessBeAqueen 13

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Friday 2 August 2013 22:39

time to use insta vid!

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Friday 2 August 2013 23:12

11- idk about you, but I like looking at whoever's giving me the orgasm. So I guess closing your eyes is the same thing ;)

Damned_Architect 25

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Saturday 3 August 2013 7:07

In fact, one's orgasm face is called a "fuck face" for a reason; because it ain't pretty looking.

misspulkadot24 17

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Friday 2 August 2013 19:12

Nothing a paper bag can't fix!

migmit 11

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Friday 2 August 2013 19:32

Exactly what I was thinking.

FML_TJ 21

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Friday 2 August 2013 21:51

For him, of course.

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Friday 2 August 2013 19:13

Doggy style for the win!

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Friday 2 August 2013 23:19

Not gonna help when you think of The Exorcist...

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Friday 2 August 2013 19:14

That sucks since you can't control it. He should just be happy that he gave you an orgasm

ryanthecheeseguy 18

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Friday 2 August 2013 23:06

Next time just pretend you don't orgasm and chew him out for his bad sexual skills.

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Friday 2 August 2013 19:14

Next time start contorting and screaming in Latin!

LittlestPrincess 21

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Friday 2 August 2013 19:17

and backwards!

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Friday 2 August 2013 19:15

The Exorcist was seriously one of the funniest films I've ever seen, if anything your O face wasn't scary.

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Friday 2 August 2013 19:17

So he's saying you don't have a pretty O face?

Ctrl_H 18

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Friday 2 August 2013 19:30

Well when you put it that way...yah

cottoncandymango 17

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Friday 2 August 2013 19:20

At least you weren't faking your orgasms. Ungrateful boyfriend you have.

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Friday 2 August 2013 19:20

What possessed him to say that?