Intimacy: Today, I was trying to help a very slow-witted client over the...

By Milly - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to help a very slow-witted client over the phone. After a while, I realised he was just delaying while pleasuring himself to the sound of my voice. FML

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Intimacy

Taking stock

There's no helping some people

Munchausen by proxy

By rj - United States

Today, I went to the dentist after 24 hours of severe tooth pain. They did an emergency root canal. After the anesthesia wore off, within minutes, the pain returned only worse than before. Called the dentist, I had to return, only to find they had done the root canal on the wrong tooth. FML

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By EpicFail - United States

Today, I fell asleep. I felt something on my face. I batted it away. It was my hamster. It died from a concussion upon hitting the wall. FML

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By graciegold95 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my daughter decided it'd be funny to change the time on my clock. My boss didn't think it was funny. FML

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By Anonymous - Bulgaria - Batanovci

Today, I was riding my bike home from the store. Wanting to impress some passers-by, I tried to do a trick on a sharp turn. I hit a pole with my balls. As I was lying on the ground in agony, a guy pulled over, took a picture, and took off laughing. FML

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By Whoopsie - United States - Worcester

Today, I woke up loudly screaming from a "night" terror. I say "night"; I was actually at my desk at work, in the middle of the day, surrounded by dozens of co-workers in their cubicles. FML

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By BMTH2296 - United States

Today, I realized how sad my life is when for my 18th birthday, I went to a strip club, by myself, in GTA V. FML

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By nichaneely - United States

Today, I got yelled at by one of my bosses. The reason? I was yawning. I work at Starbucks. Apparently I wasn't 'promoting' correctly. FML

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By thammer - United States - Green Bay

Today, I joined a dating site. The first guy it recommended is the stalker I met on the last dating site I used. FML

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By ckatia - France - Paris

Today, my eyesight is getting terrible. I saw a white cat in front of my house, so I went up to it. To my delight it didn’t move, so I bent down to stroke it. Wrong call, it was a plastic bag. FML

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By disgusting - United Kingdom - Thetford

Today, I uploaded a photo of myself at the beach on Facebook. The first comment it got was "Wow!! If I was 20 yrs younger, oh boy ;)". Yeah, thanks for that, grandpa. FML

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By pain - United States

Today, I learned the hard way that you should never use medical tape to secure gauze over a razor cut on your scrotum. FML

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By Kaylz - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was given a $100 cookbook as a gift by a co-worker. The man who shares a desk with me didn't realise it was mine, as he was at lunch when I got it, so he decided to give it to my boss when he walked in. My boss is refusing to return it. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I was leaving the car wash when I saw my friend walking on the sidewalk. I pulled over next to her and asked if she wanted a ride. Only after getting a face full of the soda she was drinking did I realize I was talking to a complete stranger. FML

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By Zack - Israel

Today, I tried to prove to my dad that he snores by secretly putting a tape recorder under his bed. I soon found out my parents had sex that night. Apparently, my mom likes to talk dirty. FML

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By eric - United States

Great chat!

Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML

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By WartCream - United States - Olathe

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a weird wart-removal ad came on. He watched in disgust as the lady's wart said rude things to her. Then he looked at me and said seriously, "I'm glad yours don't talk..." FML

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By MCRxforever - United States

Today, I was taking my dog on a walk when two younger looking boys rode their bikes up towards me. One said, "What about her?" The other boy said, "Nah, she's ugly." FML

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By Kiss-a-thon - Germany

Today, I finally got together with this great guy I've had a crush on for a while. He told me before that he is quite inexperienced, which usually doesn't bother me at all. Turns out "inexperienced" translates to "I will include your nose and chin in our kissing" in this case. FML

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By concertqueen - United States

Today, I went to a concert. The music was great, but the drunk guys behind me made it hard to pay attention. Half way through the second act, one of them took it upon themselves to start peeing on me. FML

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By wmhh26

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I've been "spending too much time at the bar." I've been sober for 2 years. FML

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By -____- - United States - Seattle

Today, my husband yelled from upstairs, "Babe! BABE, COME QUICK!" Terrified that something might have happened to our newborn daughter, I rushed up, only to find out he just wanted to show me that he'd learned how to spin a top on the tip of his penis without it falling. FML

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By LtlCheeseburger - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I was shopping, and tried on a skirt that was a size smaller than usual, thinking that I would fit in. Not only did it not fit, neither I nor the sales assistant could get it off me, because the zip got stuck. She had to cut me out of it. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I hit someone’s car and got arrested for a DUI. I had to tell my parents so they could remove me from the insurance. My mom's response in the background after I told my dad was "I knew it." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a school football game alone. I sat next to these hot girls. To seem cool, I picked up my phone and had a fake conversation with the coolest guy in the grade. Halfway through, he came over and talked to the girls. FML

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By LemonLearn - United States - New York

Today, I walked in on my brother completely naked from the waist down. I wouldn't have cared if he wasn't masturbating using my lingerie. FML

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By Anonymous

You idiot!

Today, I didn't want to hang out with my girlfriend so I could binge watch Pawn Stars instead. When she asked me why not, I lied not very convincingly and said my mom was sick and needed my help. She now thinks I'm cheating on her. FML

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By aprilfools22 - United States

Today, I got my tongue pierced, then went to a pet store. A clerk came up to ask if I needed help. I showed him I already had some fish, and said, "No thanks." He must have thought I was "special," as he bent down and in a baby voice, said "You got fishy? FISHY FISHY FISHY!" while poking the bag. FML

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By Upset Mommy - United States

Today, my water broke. I called my mom, who had agreed to watch my other two kids while I went to the hospital. When I asked her to come over, she just said, "Sorry, now isn't a good time." FML

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By Snails

Today, while at work, I let out a nasty wet fart, thinking no one would hear me since I work in a warehouse. My coworker did hear me, and replied, "WTF? Shots fired! Shots fired!" FML

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By NeoDepressed - Czech Republic

Today my parents screamed at me for cutting my wrists. They asked me if i want a therapist. I said idk. Then my mom said "But wait its going to cost a lot of money".. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I celebrated my birthday. When asked last week, I said I wanted a keyboard. When I opened the present, my parents went into hysterics. It was an electronic Dora the Explorer keyboard. I've been studying music composition and theory for six years. They think my major's a joke. FML

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By whykarma - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my German Shepherd decided to bark at, then attack, a painted rock. At least I know I'm protected from inanimate objects. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started biting my nails, before I realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands after taking a massive dump. FML

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By motherlylove

Today, my mother-in-law screamed at the top of her lungs in front of our friends and family that I was stealing her baby away from her. I'd only suggested we go home because he had a migraine. Her baby is 24 years old and has been married to me for a year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I would rather pound to porn than have sex with my wife, because trying to get her in the mood is too much hassle. FML

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By superdriver - Mexico

Today, I was driving with my parents while explaining that young people like myself are better drivers because we have better reflexes. My explanation was suddently interrupted with the sound of me crashing the car against a parked car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I became that small percent of people who face three different kinds of complications after their wisdom teeth are removed. FML

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By ConfusedFiancé

Today, I stumbled across my boyfriend's tumblr page. I've known him for years and never knew he had one. Being curious, I decided to give it a look, only to be ambushed by a wall of furry porn. FML

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By Nickki - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen at 5 am, to have my 7 and 9 year olds throw a bucket of water on me. To their surprise and horror, I didn't melt. FML

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By unicornlove - 17/7/2020 20:01

No soup for you

Today, I was bringing a table a bowl of soup at my waitressing job. A new customer taking off his coat threw his elbow out, violently knocking the soup out of my hands and onto his baby in a highchair. The baby screamed; I had a panic attack. FML

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Top comments

By Mpsteve13 | 7

#2026963 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:12

don't have phone sex, you'll get hearing aids boys and girls

By Doortje | 29

#2027010 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:26

If you were pleased with our service, press 1.

COMMENTS

By dayve | 0

#2026946 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:04

oh geez

RiskiBusiness | 1

#2026957 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:11

oh my lol

RiskiBusiness | 1

#2026968 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:13

oh my lol

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2027026 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:31

"Uhhh hello.... I need service... Trouble with my thingy... Very hard.... Say that again? Ohhh yeahhhh... keep going... keep going... again... yeahhh... mkay think I got it... now, you've been a... big help!.... I think I may need to call again later on tonight.... thanks..."

Bobissmall | 13

#2027138 - Monday 31 January 2011 1:09

See, unless 19 is right, how the fuck do you know what he's doing?

trooper250 | 0

#2027500 - Monday 31 January 2011 3:27

31, it ain't that hard to put two and two together...

WhatTheFuq | 0

#2027558 - Monday 31 January 2011 3:49

22?

TXjuggalo972 | 6

#2027738 - Monday 31 January 2011 5:10

no it's 4 2+2=4 god

MrBond007_fml | 6

#2028001 - Monday 31 January 2011 7:12

you mean jiz

rkcxenocide | 0

#2031476 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 6:05

LOLOL WIN.

By marialittlemonst | 0

#2026948 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:05

Grosss!

WOW_BS | 0

#2028205 - Monday 31 January 2011 8:49

Are you talking about your picture?

davidjr_saldana | 0

#2028553 - Monday 31 January 2011 10:20

low blow

By Sathian | 0

#2026959 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:11

That's hot. Ask him where he lives and help him with it!

acmilan721 | 4

#2027855 - Monday 31 January 2011 6:01

agreed!

RedPanda900 | 0

#2027896 - Monday 31 January 2011 6:21

yes!

summerkingsley | 0

#2027986 - Monday 31 January 2011 7:09

what the hell? that's fucking gross..

elemont | 0

#2027988 - Monday 31 January 2011 7:09

you now have to do this!

By Mpsteve13 | 7

#2026963 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:12

don't have phone sex, you'll get hearing aids boys and girls

mycookiezz | 0

#2027074 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:47

lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

acccccccc | 1

#2027192 - Monday 31 January 2011 1:24

hahahaahah

BWill9014 | 4

#2028075 - Monday 31 January 2011 7:41

lol nice

WOW_BS | 0

#2028212 - Monday 31 January 2011 8:53

Ha I get it ;)

lukethe | 0

#2028923 - Monday 31 January 2011 12:59

lolol!! so gonna use that x)

By un_nomable | 6

#2026965 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:12

I smell a lonely individual

WOW_BS | 0

#2028220 - Monday 31 January 2011 8:54

That's just my wiener and yes, he's a bit lonely.

By ReinaJay | 13

#2026980 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:16

Ooh that really sucks! Try to look on the bright side, at least people think you have a sexy voice!

Cali_Queen | 0

#2027226 - Monday 31 January 2011 1:38

haha lol true!

nrs132 | 4

#2028849 - Monday 31 January 2011 12:24

Yea, take it as a compliment :)

By mea_iloveskiing | 26

#2026996 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:23

So you helped him indeed :D

By thelastavailable | 13

#2026999 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:23

How exactly did you realise that he was doing "the deed"?

traze | 7

#2027004 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:25

Wow, your voice is that sexy? be happy or not.

By traze | 7

#2027000 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:24

Wow, your voice is that sexy? be happy or not.

By macskapingvin | 0

#2027002 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:24

As opposed to the taste of your voice? The sight of your voice? The smell of your voice?

tbwrb | 0

#2027020 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:29

Ok, so you claim to be from England. This means that you've heard the phrase "sound of my voice" before. Evidently you are just a complete muppet that needs to be put down. I'm guessing your knuckles haven't quite scabbed over from your walk to the end of your street. Quit trying to be a smart arse and maybe learn something about yourself.