Intimacy: Today, I was trying to help a very slow-witted client over the...

By Milly - 30/01/2011 19:25 - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to help a very slow-witted client over the phone. After a while, I realised he was just delaying while pleasuring himself to the sound of my voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 490

You deserved it 4 064

Intimacy

Fill her up

Stay safe out there

Classic

Ask first, snoop later

By Jenna Berreth - 07/10/2019 16:00

Today, I was trying to find my missing purple pen in the house I share with my boyfriend and his 57 year-old mother. I checked her room just in case, only to open a drawer and be greeted by a dildo. I’m never going to unsee that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 624

You deserved it 2 936

By mother to an ugly doll - 04/09/2013 18:10 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my car window got smashed, because someone somehow confused the doll my daughter always leaves strapped into a carseat for an actual kid. It's a cabbage patch kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 668

You deserved it 4 074

By Anonymous - 26/07/2009 17:00 - France

Today, I went to a funeral for my coworker's father. While there, my dad's cell phone rang and he left to answer it. I turned to my brother and said, "I can't believe he brought his cell phone!" He whispered, "I can't believe he's got coverage. This is a dead zone!" I laughed loudly. At a funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 716

You deserved it 58 840

By Rita - 10/12/2008 04:58 - France

Today, on the bus, a young high school boy sat down next to me and started to chat me up. I thought it was cute until he asked me which high school I was attending. I'm 27, I'm married, I have a child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 290

You deserved it 6 275

Compassion

By Anonymous - 02/12/2020 11:05

Today, one of my friends got upset with me because I’m leaving our high school. The high school I have been bullied at for the past 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 813

You deserved it 59

By meunluckycharms - 14/09/2015 19:54 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I brought a boy home for the first time, only to have my dad ask him what his mother's maiden name was. When he answered, my dad exclaimed, "Oh yeah! I think I dated her in high school. I could be your father!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 566

You deserved it 1 815

By lalala - 14/06/2011 10:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I was arrested for carrying a dangerous weapon. I was on my way home from the shop where I'd bought a new kitchen knife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 789

You deserved it 3 680

By smh - 15/07/2014 20:11 - United States

Today, my mom and dad played rock, paper, scissors over who gets to spend the night with me in the hospital tonight while I have surgery. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 946

You deserved it 4 276

By Foxy Lady - 29/09/2018 12:00

Today, I had to help train a new employee at the register. It got busy so I had to take my eyes off her for a few minutes. At that time she managed to let someone walk out with $150 worth of fabric. I couldn't catch the customer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 936

You deserved it 327

By Anonymous - 13/05/2013 16:01 - Australia - Mount Eliza

Today, I gave my boss a gift card as a late birthday present, since I wasn't in the office on his actual birthday. He accused me of trying to bribe my way to a promotion, and suspended me on the spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 197

You deserved it 4 210

By blazer - 30/06/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, my daughter asked me what is the youngest age at which you should start having sex. Being a good mom, I said that she shouldn't have sex until after she's been married. My daughter then said, "Oh... shoot," and walked away. My daughter is twelve. FML

I agree, your life sucks 78 892

You deserved it 14 590

By Anonymous - 30/08/2015 15:44 - United States

Today, while I was pulling weeds, my dad thought it would be absolutely hilarious to yell "Hey, son!" then unload his gun at me when I turned around. After I'd screamed like a bitch and pissed myself, he broke down into hysterical laughter and said he'd loaded the gun with blanks. Fuck you, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 433

You deserved it 2 542

By Familyreject - 02/02/2019 19:00 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, I found out that my family has paid for and booked a trip to Dubai without me. They weren't going to tell me until they were about to board but since I was crying that my friend ditched me for my holiday, they thought they would let me know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 305

You deserved it 239

By Anonymous - 12/04/2012 18:31 - United States - Rock Island

Today, I was at a party, when the cops busted us. Since I'm underage, I hid behind a chair for an hour and a half while they breathalyzed everyone and sat them in the same room I was in. The cops left, everyone realized I was behind the chair, and now my nickname is "Anne Frank". FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 948

You deserved it 39 804

By moutz - 20/07/2009 07:13 - Australia

Today, I met with an important client to talk about his stake in the company. The guy was at least 80 years old. After taking care of business we spoke about my final year at the company. As he got up to leave he said "Good luck in your final year". Without thinking, I replied "You too". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 289

You deserved it 15 302

By poorbastard - 30/08/2014 08:35 - Canada - Longueuil

Today, I was called in over speakers at the airport. The man who was speaking clearly and nearly burst out laughing when he said my name. Soon, a few people around also snickered when they heard it. I had to wait five minutes before I could casually stand up. My last name is Bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 419

You deserved it 3 794

Slid right out

By Tabby Rosas - 21/02/2021 21:30

Today, after 8 days of being on a medication that makes it hard to go to the bathroom and no luck taking laxatives and drinking coffee and apple juice, I finally got to go. Too bad I was at my desk at work when it happened. I washed out my pants in the bathroom and got to sit in wet pants for 4 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 955

You deserved it 63

Harsh

By Anonymous - 27/02/2021 15:30 - United States - Coraopolis

Today I opened my own flower shop. My mom's response was, "Get a job." FML

I agree, your life sucks 997

You deserved it 64

By Anonymous - 03/11/2012 10:02 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I decided to delete my Facebook account. My older sister repeatedly called me in tears asking why I'm cutting her out of my life. It seems I can't get rid of social media without my family taking offence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 987

You deserved it 2 254

By pdnne - 12/05/2009 05:48 - United States

Today, I had a really important job interview, and as i was about to leave for it my mom told me to remember to make eye contact. As I was walking in, it was the only thing I could think about, so looking directly at him my foot hits a lip in the floor and my head slams into his desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 841

You deserved it 7 725

By DaoOfPow - 23/05/2015 07:51 - United States - Danbury

Today, my mom told me I'm the reason she's going to kill herself one day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 199

You deserved it 3 210

By whatever - 23/03/2009 06:46 - United States

Today, I was on a third date with a girl. Things had been going really well. At one point, the conversation lulled. After a moment of silence, she asked me what my greatest fantasy was. I told her that it was being a superhero. She told me that she meant sexual fantasy. I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 612

You deserved it 67 623

By Darth Vomitus - 10/08/2012 18:54 - United States - Mequon

Today, I went to an amusement park with a group of friends, one of whom was a girl I really like. When we got on the roller coaster, I was ecstatic that she wanted to sit next to me. Not even half-way through, I ended up puking all over the both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 451

You deserved it 5 823

By cynicalcindy - 19/02/2009 09:06 - United States

Today, I visited my brother in jail for the first time. I didn't know what to say so I blurted out : "Are you having fun ?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 881

You deserved it 49 740

By USSEYL - 26/11/2008 04:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn't able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 963

You deserved it 27 383

By parenting_failure - 20/03/2011 16:10 - France

Today, my son was on Facebook while he was supposed to be studying. He called me a liar and accused me of making up excuses to chew him out. How do I know he was online? He liked and commented on a video I posted. My son is a dumbass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 018

You deserved it 8 722

By Mimo - 23/06/2016 10:18 - Egypt

Today, my best friend told me she's been in love with me for over 4 years. I'm getting married to the man of my dreams in a month and she's supposed to be my bridesmaid. "Awkward" doesn't even begin to describe our friendship right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 551

You deserved it 2 020

By cachucy - 18/03/2012 15:04 - United States - Geneva

Today, I was walking to a café with my soon-to-be boss. While crossing a busy street, I slipped in a puddle and accidentally grabbed his junk to catch myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 661

You deserved it 3 507

Confused

By Miranda - 07/06/2020 17:06

Today, I was going to walk up to my crush, kiss him, and tell him how I felt. We are already kind of touchy with each other, so I thought he liked me back. I walked up to him and kissed him. He kissed me back, then gently pushed me away. He quietly whispered, "I'm gay." Then walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 645

You deserved it 426

By married to a bipedal husky - 12/07/2016 21:52 - United States - Lake Butler

Today, I found out that my wife sheds worse than a husky when she showers. I've had to clean the drain before I shower or it floods the bathroom floorrrrr. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 398

You deserved it 1 197

By Anonymous - 30/05/2019 02:00

Today, I got lost in a car park, late at night, unable to find my car. I started panicking, so I called my dad. I sat down to catch my breath. After about 2 minutes, I heard a noise. I looked up to see a guy jerking off while watching me. He smiled, so I instinctively threw my backpack at his junk and he ran off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 272

You deserved it 248

Gentle

By Ash_The_Unicorn - 20/08/2020 14:05

Today, after losing my father a little over 6 months ago, and finally feeling comfortable talking to my fiancé (who lives with me and my family) about it, my mother forced her way into the room and started yelling at me for crying. Her excuse, "It’s after your bedtime." I’m 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 723

You deserved it 423

So pissed

By soaked - 25/02/2013 19:16 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was babysitting, and I had to pee really, really badly. I couldn't figure out how to get the stupid toilet lock off, and ended up pissing myself. As I stood in the bathroom in tears, their child screamed, "No, no, pee-pee in the POTTY!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 471

You deserved it 9 048

By katsaysner - 17/10/2014 17:56 - United States - Unity

Today, I got the best grade in class on my economics midterm. Rather than tell me I did a good job, my professor criticized me in front of everyone about how I was working "too hard". FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 786

You deserved it 4 682

By -_____- - 31/07/2013 21:23 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend and I were spooning in bed, nude, when I accidentally farted. He freaked out and asked in all seriousness if I was trying to give his dick pink-eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 948

You deserved it 8 032

By notsohot - 26/10/2009 20:02 - United States

Today, I was walking when I heard a car horn honk. I looked up to see a hot guy giving me a thumbs up. As he got a better look at me, he made a disgusted face and flipped his hand so he was giving me a thumbs down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 676

You deserved it 4 231

The Customer Is Clueless

By Conner Johnson - 28/11/2017 05:00

Today, a customer walked up to me with a dog toy and said, "I knew one-stop shopping was a thing, but I didn't know you guys carried dildos." FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 124

You deserved it 275

By Anonymous - 12/03/2010 16:55 - United Kingdom

Today, while celebrating at my friend's birthday party, I fell down a flight of stairs, got into a fight with my flatmate, and ruined my friend's outfit after drinking too much. I'm expecting I'll need to find a new place to live tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 657

You deserved it 32 061

By Anonymous - 02/12/2010 17:38 - United States

Today, I was telling one of my patients I was upset because my sister wants to go to beauty school, and that I don't want her getting a worthless qualification and to aim higher. My patient replied saying she is a hair dresser. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 806

You deserved it 45 897

By Anonymous - 02/07/2014 23:20 - United Kingdom - Harrow

Today, my shoes were rubbing against my heel so much that one heel started to bleed. Not having any plasters, I stuffed some tissue down my shoe. When I walked off the train, a wad of blood-stained tissue fell out the back of my shoe. The guy behind me didn't think it came from my shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 791

You deserved it 5 395

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Top comments

Mpsteve13 7

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:12

don't have phone sex, you'll get hearing aids boys and girls

Doortje 29

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:26

If you were pleased with our service, press 1.

dayve 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:04

oh geez

RiskiBusiness 1

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:11

oh my lol

RiskiBusiness 1

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:13

oh my lol

I_iz_B_a_troll 23

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:31

"Uhhh hello.... I need service... Trouble with my thingy... Very hard.... Say that again? Ohhh yeahhhh... keep going... keep going... again... yeahhh... mkay think I got it... now, you've been a... big help!.... I think I may need to call again later on tonight.... thanks..."

Bobissmall 13

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Monday 31 January 2011 1:09

See, unless 19 is right, how the fuck do you know what he's doing?

trooper250 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 3:27

31, it ain't that hard to put two and two together...

WhatTheFuq 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 3:49

22?

TXjuggalo972 6

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Monday 31 January 2011 5:10

no it's 4 2+2=4 god

MrBond007_fml 6

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Monday 31 January 2011 7:12

you mean jiz

rkcxenocide 0

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Tuesday 1 February 2011 6:05

LOLOL WIN.

marialittlemonst 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:05

Grosss!

WOW_BS 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 8:49

Are you talking about your picture?

davidjr_saldana 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 10:20

low blow

Sathian 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:11

That's hot. Ask him where he lives and help him with it!

acmilan721 4

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Monday 31 January 2011 6:01

agreed!

RedPanda900 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 6:21

yes!

summerkingsley 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 7:09

what the hell? that's fucking gross..

elemont 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 7:09

you now have to do this!

Mpsteve13 7

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:12

don't have phone sex, you'll get hearing aids boys and girls

mycookiezz 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:47

lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

acccccccc 1

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Monday 31 January 2011 1:24

hahahaahah

BWill9014 4

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Monday 31 January 2011 7:41

lol nice

WOW_BS 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 8:53

Ha I get it ;)

lukethe 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 12:59

lolol!! so gonna use that x)

un_nomable 6

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:12

I smell a lonely individual

WOW_BS 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 8:54

That's just my wiener and yes, he's a bit lonely.

ReinaJay 13

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:16

Ooh that really sucks! Try to look on the bright side, at least people think you have a sexy voice!

Cali_Queen 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 1:38

haha lol true!

nrs132 4

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Monday 31 January 2011 12:24

Yea, take it as a compliment :)

mea_iloveskiing 26

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:23

So you helped him indeed :D

thelastavailable 13

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:23

How exactly did you realise that he was doing "the deed"?

traze 7

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:25

Wow, your voice is that sexy? be happy or not.

traze 7

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:24

Wow, your voice is that sexy? be happy or not.

macskapingvin 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:24

As opposed to the taste of your voice? The sight of your voice? The smell of your voice?

tbwrb 0

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Monday 31 January 2011 0:29

Ok, so you claim to be from England. This means that you've heard the phrase "sound of my voice" before. Evidently you are just a complete muppet that needs to be put down. I'm guessing your knuckles haven't quite scabbed over from your walk to the end of your street. Quit trying to be a smart arse and maybe learn something about yourself.