Today, I was trying to help a very slow-witted client over the...

By Milly - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to help a very slow-witted client over the phone. After a while, I realised he was just delaying while pleasuring himself to the sound of my voice. FML

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Intimacy

Family values

Deadly cocktail

Grow up

By eiregal2 - 15/4/2020 23:00 - Ireland - Cork

Butterfingers

Today, I somehow managed to slice open my thumb. The dangerous weapon that caused this to happen? Velcro. FML

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By what_the_hell - Finland - Helsinki

Today, while bagging my groceries at a store, a lady came over to me, took a good look at the food I'd bought, picked out an item and put it in her bag. When I confronted her, she called security on me and told them I wanted to steal her stuff. I got thrown out and she walked away with a smirk. FML

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By Rella

Today, my boyfriend and I were in the 69 position with me on top and as we changed positions, and I turned to face him, I saw toilet paper on his face that he didn't seem to notice and that I casually had to wipe off his face. FML

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By mcdonalds - United States

Today, I dislocated my shoulder. I was screaming and writhing in pain, and my eyes were shut for most of the ride to the hospital. We stopped, and I was thrilled because I thought we were at the ER. I was wrong. My dad had stopped to order a cheeseburger. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of 4 gunshots from downstairs. I screamed, hid under the bed in tears and called the cops. Turned out my boyfriend hadn't been murdered by a burglar like I thought - he'd found a tarantula in our living room and decided to feed it a face full of lead. FML

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By NeitherHrotsvitNorErkembaldus - Canada - Toronto

Today, I learned that the hardest part of marrying a historian is choosing baby names. His top choices derive from two Roman magistrates, two abbesses, a tenth-century author, and an obscure Greek official. I already let him name our pug, for whom he chose the name "Tertullianus." FML

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By mycedes - United States

Today, was the last day of the prank war between me and my husband. I told him the last prank needed to be the best one. I took a shower and tried to think up my last prank. When I got out of the shower, my hair was green. FML

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By dynomyte - United States

Today, as I sat on the table in my gynecologist's office for my yearly checkup, I realized that was the most action I got in the past year. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I don't mind crappy gifts, but I have to wonder why the hell my boyfriend bought me a home enema kit. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was let go from work because they need "younger people". I'm 19 and I work at a flower market. FML

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By aishyaslife89 - United States - Dayton

Today, I found out that when I was 4 I killed my bunny by drowning it. Apparently, my aunt bribed me to do it because it pooped in her shoes. FML

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By blinded - United States

Today, my little brother learned that breaking a glow stick and emptying it into someone's eyes does not help them see in the dark. It's a good lesson, I just wish he hadn't used my eyes to learn it. The doctor says the burning feeling should go away in 3 or 4 days. FML

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By joser6969 - United States

Today, I locked myself out of my own shop. And I'm a locksmith. FML

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By GetMeTheDamnBleach - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I smashed a spider with my pencil eraser. Later, I absentmindedly chewed on it while doing my homework. FML

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By LevKin - Canada

Today, I got into a car accident. The car I hit belongs to my girlfriend's father. We never met before. He believes strongly in "first impressions." FML

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By Bubbah - United States

Today, I was working my job as the person who checks people in at the gym. A sweaty chubby woman came up to me complaining about how our staff seems so fit. I replied with "we like to hire people who have bodies that motivate our clients!" She gave a blank stare, then said "so how did you get the job?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my little brother punched me in the stomach. When I didn't flinch and he asked me why, I decided to be funny and tell him I was Iron Man and nothing could hurt me. Two seconds later he took a step back and kicked me in the nuts as hard as he could. FML

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By Mackdaddy - United States

Today, I was at basketball practice and my coach asked me how my knee was. When I lifted my pants to show him, my cheetah print thong that had been stuck inside the pants from the dryer flew out to the ground. FML

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By superman21 - Ireland

Today, I'm on the last day of my honeymoon in Ireland. My wife and I have an amazing hotel room and a huge bed. She's passed out drunk and if I even touch her, she needs the bucket next to our bed. So much for finishing our week on a "fun" note. FML

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By CollegeBoy - Canada

Today, my high school guidance counselor tried to convince me NOT to go to college, mainly because it's been so long since someone from my high school went to college, that she got rid of all the college information she used to have. FML

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By fubuggie - United States - Saint Albans

Today, while working the register, a known mentally-unstable man approached me. He ended up telling me that the Statue of Liberty is sexist and a screw-up by Washington. When I told him that the French made it, he told me to shut up and complained to my manager. He knows me by name now. FML

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By anonynomi - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was accused of shoplifting, after the alarm started beeping as I walked into the store. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out my bank charged me $50 for not having any money. Way to go bank, way to go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed my dog chewing on something while on the couch. It looked like a wash rag of some sort, so I grabbed it from my dog. It wasn't until after I picked it up that I noticed it wasn't a wash rag. It was a small, dead bird. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to 70 new text messages and 100 calls all from numbers I didn't know. The night before I got into a heated argument with my old best friend about who was prettier. She got mad and posted my number on Craigslist as a prostitute. Apparently I won. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out why my husband is suddenly uninterested in sex. Apparently one of the secretaries at work has finally turned 18, and it's pretty much an open secret among his coworkers that they fuck anywhere from 2 to 5 times a day. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left my dog alone in the house for ten minutes while I took a shower. When I got out I found a mess of dust all over the floor and her ripping up a package that was supposed to be sent to my aunt. It contained my grandmother's ashes. FML

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By wrecked - United States

Today, I slid on ice and hit another car while driving to work. My car was totalled, and my leg hurt, while the other car had very little damage. Not two minutes later, the salt truck drove by, spraying the road. FML

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By Ouch - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend and I watched Juno. When the baby is born in the film, I put my arm around my girlfriend and whispered in her ear that one day it could be us having a baby. She responded by punching me in the happy sacks and telling me I wasn't getting any from her in a long time. FML

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By DaChief - United States - Highland Park

Today, I went to the doctor. They did a test and said they would email me the results. My girlfriend saw the email that said "The test was positive", and now she thinks I'm cheating on her with someone named Doctor Johnson. FML

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By MCRxforever - United States

Today, I was taking my dog on a walk when two younger looking boys rode their bikes up towards me. One said, "What about her?" The other boy said, "Nah, she's ugly." FML

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By ohmy. - United States

Today, my husband yawned in the middle of our wedding vows. FML

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By Loose Goose

Today, I went on a coffee date. It turned out to be a mistake - not because he was bad, but because I forgot how much coffee upsets my stomach. Yup, it makes me need to poop, and I did. In my jeans. As he drove me home. Not quite the "run" of fun we’d planned. FML

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By Maxie - United States - Chesterland

Today, after my 5-year-old finally got over his grandmother's death, we went to a store and saw a lady that looked exactly like her. She came up to us asking if we saw her grandson; I can't get my son to stop freaking out. FML

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By kkt - United States - Granbury

Today, my 15-year-old brother got busted for selling pills at school. The officer said they were reddish pink, so we searched the house for that kind of pill. Turns out it was my dog's medicine from over 4 years ago. FML

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By helpme - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I wrote my boyfriend a love letter during class and told him to read it when he got home. He texted me later asking me why I gave him my school assignment. I must have handed the love letter in to my teacher. FML

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27257

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By Anonymous - United States - Mendham

Today, my sister shot my dog with my airsoft gun. When I told my parents, she put on the fakest sobbing I've ever heard, said she didn't even know how to use a gun, and that she saw me shoot my own dog. They believed her and think I need psychiatric help. FML

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By Jackal - United States - Trumbull

Today, I found out the time I'd requested off for a trip in 2 months, that my boss said that I could go on, wasn't fully processed, just in case he decided I couldn't go. He told me the second part after I'd bought no refund tickets for shows for both me and my girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was finally having sex with the man of my dreams, and then he fell asleep on top of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dade City

Today, a radio show asked the question, "Where does the dentist live in Finding Nemo?" I called in and got through. When he asked me the question, instead of the actual answer I quickly gave out my own address over live radio. FML

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Top comments

By Mpsteve13 | 7

#2026963 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:12

don't have phone sex, you'll get hearing aids boys and girls

By Doortje | 28

#2027010 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:26

If you were pleased with our service, press 1.

COMMENTS

By dayve | 0

#2026946 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:04

oh geez

RiskiBusiness | 1

#2026957 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:11

oh my lol

RiskiBusiness | 1

#2026968 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:13

oh my lol

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2027026 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:31

"Uhhh hello.... I need service... Trouble with my thingy... Very hard.... Say that again? Ohhh yeahhhh... keep going... keep going... again... yeahhh... mkay think I got it... now, you've been a... big help!.... I think I may need to call again later on tonight.... thanks..."

Bobissmall | 13

#2027138 - Monday 31 January 2011 1:09

See, unless 19 is right, how the fuck do you know what he's doing?

trooper250 | 0

#2027500 - Monday 31 January 2011 3:27

31, it ain't that hard to put two and two together...

WhatTheFuq | 0

#2027558 - Monday 31 January 2011 3:49

22?

TXjuggalo972 | 6

#2027738 - Monday 31 January 2011 5:10

no it's 4 2+2=4 god

MrBond007_fml | 6

#2028001 - Monday 31 January 2011 7:12

you mean jiz

rkcxenocide | 0

#2031476 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 6:05

LOLOL WIN.

By marialittlemonst | 0

#2026948 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:05

Grosss!

WOW_BS | 0

#2028205 - Monday 31 January 2011 8:49

Are you talking about your picture?

davidjr_saldana | 0

#2028553 - Monday 31 January 2011 10:20

low blow

By Sathian | 0

#2026959 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:11

That's hot. Ask him where he lives and help him with it!

acmilan721 | 4

#2027855 - Monday 31 January 2011 6:01

agreed!

RedPanda900 | 0

#2027896 - Monday 31 January 2011 6:21

yes!

summerkingsley | 0

#2027986 - Monday 31 January 2011 7:09

what the hell? that's fucking gross..

elemont | 0

#2027988 - Monday 31 January 2011 7:09

you now have to do this!

By Mpsteve13 | 7

#2026963 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:12

don't have phone sex, you'll get hearing aids boys and girls

mycookiezz | 0

#2027074 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:47

lmao!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

acccccccc | 1

#2027192 - Monday 31 January 2011 1:24

hahahaahah

BWill9014 | 4

#2028075 - Monday 31 January 2011 7:41

lol nice

WOW_BS | 0

#2028212 - Monday 31 January 2011 8:53

Ha I get it ;)

lukethe | 0

#2028923 - Monday 31 January 2011 12:59

lolol!! so gonna use that x)

By un_nomable | 6

#2026965 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:12

I smell a lonely individual

WOW_BS | 0

#2028220 - Monday 31 January 2011 8:54

That's just my wiener and yes, he's a bit lonely.

By ReinaJay | 13

#2026980 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:16

Ooh that really sucks! Try to look on the bright side, at least people think you have a sexy voice!

Cali_Queen | 0

#2027226 - Monday 31 January 2011 1:38

haha lol true!

nrs132 | 4

#2028849 - Monday 31 January 2011 12:24

Yea, take it as a compliment :)

By mea_iloveskiing | 26

#2026996 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:23

So you helped him indeed :D

By thelastavailable | 13

#2026999 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:23

How exactly did you realise that he was doing "the deed"?

traze | 7

#2027004 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:25

Wow, your voice is that sexy? be happy or not.

By traze | 7

#2027000 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:24

Wow, your voice is that sexy? be happy or not.

By macskapingvin | 0

#2027002 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:24

As opposed to the taste of your voice? The sight of your voice? The smell of your voice?

tbwrb | 0

#2027020 - Monday 31 January 2011 0:29

Ok, so you claim to be from England. This means that you've heard the phrase "sound of my voice" before. Evidently you are just a complete muppet that needs to be put down. I'm guessing your knuckles haven't quite scabbed over from your walk to the end of your street. Quit trying to be a smart arse and maybe learn something about yourself.