Animals: Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed...

By Noname - United States

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I'd undressed and then threw up all over the rug. FML

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Animals

Messed up

Never flip flop and drive

People are people

By Anonymous - United States - Atlanta

Today, I found out that my girlfriend takes videos of me sleeping and watches them with her friends. FML

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By hot sweet.... not - United Kingdom - Renfrew

Today, I was babysitting an 8-year-old boy. He was playing with play-doh and made a sculpture that resembled a penis. I tried to cover up and asked if it was an action figure. He looked at me like I was an idiot and said, "It's a DICK." FML

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By jadakorn - United States

Today, I got home and threw my phone onto my bed as usual. This time it bounced out the window. FML

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47107

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By failed brood mare - United States - Hollywood

Today, my mom bitched me out for still being single at age 19, and still not having started a family. She considers this "immoral," yet showed nothing but praise for my sister, who's pregnant at 15 and doesn't know which of three guys is the father. FML

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64473

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By overlandparkmommie - United States

Today, I was so totally stressed out at work that I took my car into the park and reclined my seat and shut my eyes. Soon I noticed the soothing sounds of raindrops on my car and I felt a little better for once. I opened my eyes to see that a bunch of birds had crapped all over my car. FML

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40318

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I heard some rhythmic moaning from the apartment next door. It took me 10 minutes to realize that my neighbor was not having it off, she was actually vacuuming her apartment. It's been so long since I've had sex that I can't even recognize the sound of other people having it. FML

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20874

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By PiZzA_FaCe - United States

Today, I was working at a day care center. A 5 year old boy came up to me telling me he wanted to eat my face. Confused, I asked him why. He said, "Because your face looks like pizza." FML

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52214

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed that someone smeared "wash me" into the grime of my car. I decided to take it to get a wash. I pulled up, put my vehicle in neutral, and kicked back as it slowly started to move. You never realize how long it takes a sun roof to close until water is dumping on your head. FML

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15749

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By failure

Today, my girlfriend hid my car keys and decided that she wouldn't give them back until I succeeded in giving her an orgasm. FML

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20652

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By France Howell

Today, I rushed my wife to the ER because she was having abdominal pains. She was crying in the car and very faintly said, "If I die, our daughter goes to my sister and they get everything in my will." We later found out she was just having a bad gas problem. FML

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By Anonymous

Thanks for that, dad!

Today, I mentioned to my family that I was sad about the fact that I was thirty-five years-old, single, and had no children. My father piped up from the next room, "What man in his right would want your lopsided tits, fat thighs, and fucked-up nose in their gene pool?" FML

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2351

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By full bladder - United States - Valrico

Today, I found out my anti-depressants are super-effective. So effective, they affect things they aren't even supposed to. Like my ability to pee. FML

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28842

You deserved it

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By Timmah - United States

Today, I got written up at work for making a customer feel bad. I made him feel bad by laughing uncontrollably at him when he asked if we sold real light sabers. FML

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51182

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By anonymous - United States - Tehachapi

Today, I saw a man on my bike that was stolen a few years ago. I asked him if I could have my bike back just wondering what he'd say. He calmly replied, "Hell no, I stole this fair and square." FML

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61702

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was about to go and take a shower when I saw a pair of scissors taped to the door at eye level with a note from my boyfriend saying "Time to trim that hairy thang down under." FML

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35463

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By varunet2004 - India

Today, I confronted my boss for his inadequate contribution in our work. He accepted his inadequacy and apologized for not doing enough. He now expects me to work on everything singlehandedly since he has already clarified his inadequacy. FML

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23427

You deserved it

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By Tony

Today, I was fired for having a haircut that was 'inappropriate for the workplace'. I have alopecia. My boss told me to stop making up excuses. FML

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37696

You deserved it

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By charlotte273 - United Kingdom

Today, in an attempt to save money on waxing, I bought veet hair removal cream. I also discovered it has the same effect on carpets. Now I have to pay for a replacement. So much for saving money. FML

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24166

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother had his hot friend over. I decided to make a move because he was staring at me and smiling all night. So I asked him which holiday was his favorite, Christmas or Easter while I batted my eyes and smiled. Thats when he said, "you have lettuce in your teeth." FML

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16792

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By itsEVERYWHERE - United States

Today, I got food poisoning and have had the worst diarrhea ever. I laid down in bed, hoping to get some rest when my dad thought it'd be a good idea to sneak into my room and scare the shit out of me. Literally. FML

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36994

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By Emmpag - 2/2/2020 01:00 - South Africa - Johannesburg

And then.....

Today, I bought my very first car that I spent years saving for. A few hours after I signed all the papers, I let my boyfriend go for a test drive. He totaled it. FML

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2191

You deserved it

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By Anonymous

Today, an hour after telling me she wasn't in mood for sex, my girlfriend called me to help her get a cucumber out of her ass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6224

You deserved it

717

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By minecraftwilldie - United States

Today, I gave my husband an ultimatum: either he could have sex with me or play Minecraft. Needless to say, he spent the rest of the evening playing Minecraft. FML

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41070

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By SadOldBag - United States - Estero

Today, I received the gifts of my period, diarrhea, severe dizziness and double vision, and an ant infestation in my home. These were followed by the glaring absence of any gifts from my husband. Happy 40th to me. FML

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3087

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By peaaaak - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came round to the house. Looking rather pleased with himself he pulled out his phone, grinned, and chucked it over to me. I glanced at the screen to see a naked woman. He smiled and said "I tapped that last night". FML

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49048

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By Alpha - Estonia

Today, while I was meditating in my room, I started to hear strange sounds. I was thrilled and thought I was having some sort of profound experience. It turned out my brother had tuned in to South Park out in the living room. FML

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10494

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By Noname - United States

Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend across the street. I was walking with a girl whom I'd been hooking up with and wanted to make my ex-girlfriend jealous. I kissed her and she immediately smacked me. I got a "ha-ha" text message from my ex. FML

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18552

You deserved it

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By Joel - United States

Today, I made a mistake at work that got 7 people fired. I'm scared to leave the office because they're all outside. FML

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17484

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Cambridge

Today, my 7-year-old daughter loudly asked in the middle of the supermarket, "Mummy, what's a cunt?" FML

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34064

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By Plush - France

Today, a work colleague announced that she is organising a bit of a party. She says, in front of everyone, that I'm not invited to "avoid ruining the vibe". FML

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25000

You deserved it

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By Toothless - United States

Today, I was eating ice cream and struggling to chew a particularly hard chunk of chocolate. After finally breaking it into pieces, I spat it out because it tasted terrible. Then I discovered that I was missing my temporary crown. Now I have no upper molar. FML

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32018

You deserved it

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By Jessika - United Kingdom

Today, I finished a ballet class with a group of seven-and-unders. Afterwards, a new student's mother came up to me and thanked me, saying she was glad that her daughter had a "role model with a, ahem, fuller figure" and "not to worry about my weight." I have never thought I was fat before. FML

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48233

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - Israel

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I was sad, but the only thing my mom could say was, "You should have waited until I got him to mow the lawn." FML

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43794

You deserved it

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By Lonely - United States

Today, it was the last day of camp. I told my friends we should exchange e-mail addresses so we could stay in touch. Apparently, they all had already exchanged their contact info. Nobody asked me for one piece of my contact info even once during the entire six weeks. FML

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35592

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By tjcl - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were gazing into each others' eyes in the moonlight after not having seen each other for a week. I thought he was going to say "I love you" and pull me in for a kiss. Instead, he said, "Since you can’t drive, we should get one of those two seater bicycles." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28215

You deserved it

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By bluebride - United States

Today, I got married. My mother told me to stop being difficult, because she was the mother of the bride, and it was her day to shine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42645

You deserved it

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By embarassed - United States

Today, my mother came up to me at swim meet and shouted to me in the bleachers "If you have to go potty, go now because there is a long line!". I'm seventeen. FML

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52753

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By AntiAxe

Today, there are rumors flying around my office that I hooked up with the guy who picks his nose and leaves boogers under tables. I didn't. Last night I took a shower at my boyfriend's place, who happens to use the exact same body wash and shampoo as the office outcast. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28067

You deserved it

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By somanybirds - United States - Jacksonville

Today, while using a doorless restroom at the beach, a pack of seagulls rushed into my stall, followed by a group of kids chasing them. I guess the noise from tearing open a pad sounded enough like a bag of chips for them to think there was food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4696

You deserved it

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By waterspike - France

Today, after finally getting a date with the girl I like, she invited her new boyfriend along as well. I ended up paying for their first date. FML

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Top comments

By ancientmudkipz | 0

#29046 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:08

i lol'd

By Bubs_fml | 0

#29061 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:18

Eh, cats just tend to vomit at inopportune times. Don't sweat it. It's just like how dogs only seem to hump things when you have company over.

COMMENTS

By ancientmudkipz | 0

#29046 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:08

i lol'd

111615 | 0

#984936 - Monday 26 April 2010 3:27

haha me too:D

heyitsme0123 | 6

#989035 - Friday 7 May 2010 14:32

lmfao poor kitty

FreddyMustDie | 0

#1025125 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 16:17

Definitely Top 10 material

JinxSNC | 0

#1032868 - Thursday 17 June 2010 0:30

YDI for flashing your cat.

Cjw1220 | 0

#1160057 - Friday 30 July 2010 6:00

Me too! Rofl!

yohooooooo | 5

#2408107 - Tuesday 26 April 2011 7:26

those damn pussys need to stop throwin up that's all they do.

777buddy777 | 0

#3041774 - Friday 5 August 2011 4:44

you tramatized your cat poor cat

bmboente15 | 0

#4536921 - Thursday 7 June 2012 19:23

At least it wasn't a different pussy that got sick ;)

By ancientmudkipz | 0

#29047 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:09

i lol'd

By rainesan | 0

#29048 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:08

Wow, poor kitty :P

pop17123 | 19

#6517553 - Saturday 23 January 2016 2:04

Bogus

By fmladdict9214 | 0

#29049 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:08

ah. that really sucks. can't lie.

By greenman_fml | 0

#29050 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:10

take no offense. cat's don't matter. anything that it does can be taken with a grain of salt

latkematzoball | 0

#406845 - Saturday 18 July 2009 4:30

wow #5, thats kinda harsh. oh well, i guess ill have to stop listening to my cat now. Sigh. I really trusted him.....

eehizle | 0

#1043581 - Friday 25 June 2010 22:13

...

. wow.

By secrecies | 2

#29053 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:13

lame.
i've seen enough of these

By koalaberry18 | 0

#29056 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:15

Sorry, but that made me lol. Don't take your kitty's comment too serious, i'm sure it wasn't personal. She still loves you.

By RHK_fml | 0

#29058 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:16

damn. you must look terrible naked.

XxMidnightReader | 0

#1311011 - Saturday 28 August 2010 5:43

LOL way to be gentle...

fmlpro0987 | 0

#1578243 - Wednesday 20 October 2010 19:27

I agree

By Bubs_fml | 0

#29061 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:18

Eh, cats just tend to vomit at inopportune times. Don't sweat it. It's just like how dogs only seem to hump things when you have company over.

chamd | 0

#974010 - Sunday 4 April 2010 17:25

yah like my visitors leg #9

mrstomkaulitz | 0

#1035666 - Saturday 19 June 2010 7:13

haha ur lucky.. ur number 123 X]

By lockdown1101 | 0

#29070 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:21

lol... yeah, i doubt a cat would find a person sexually attractive regardless of how you look