Animals: Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed...

By Noname - United States

Today, my cat was in the bathroom with me. I was getting undressed to get into the shower. My cat looked at me after I'd undressed and then threw up all over the rug. FML

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Animals

Out of it

Mind control

Dog whisperer

By aerythia - United States - Nashville

Today, it's my birthday and my ex husband texted me at midnight to tell happy birthday. Too bad he couldn't have texted my new husband to remind him. FML

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32566

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By ThinZ - United States

Today, I invited a few of my co-workers over to play video games. Within an hour, my wife had gotten drunk, grabbed my controller, told me to "get back in the kitchen", and described to everyone in blood-chilling detail how she took her first boyfriend's virginity. FML

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33377

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took the biggest, most excruciatingly painful crap of my life. It was so bad that I couldn't walk straight for a good 20 minutes afterwards. Long enough for my boyfriend to film me limping around and post the clip to Facebook with the caption "#anal ftw ;)". FML

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33733

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I was playing with my dog, when she started sniffing my face. Jokingly, I got up and started to sniff her face back and asked "Yeah, how do you like that?" She replied by biting into my face. FML

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28319

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By amandadonnelly97

Xbox (not in) One (piece)

Today, after weeks of saving, we finally got our Xbox One delivered. The courier guy who was bringing it up the two stories of stairs tripped on his laces, throwing the package over the side of the stairs. FML

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1623

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By ThatsNotRight - United States

Today, I put on my favorite booty shorts and walked outside to smoke a cigarette. My dog had chewed a hole in the middle of my shorts, and I was standing on a balcony that's located on the busiest street in town. FML

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8861

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By Workworkwork

Today, I’m trying to scrape $65 together to get the cheapest glasses possible. My partner is equally upset because she wants a Macbook to replace her working laptop. I’m only looking because I’m getting headaches from how old my current lenses are. FML

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2011

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222

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By MYLIFESUX - United States

Today, I was sitting using my laptop, I was also eating a bag of starbursts. They bag slid off the bed, I went to catch them and in the process my knee hit my laptop which flew off the bed onto the wooden floor, and shattered. I broke my $2,500 laptop to save 11 starbursts from falling. FML

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29119

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By Enni

Today, my husband told me that, "a girl's orgasm serves no purpose". FML

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17576

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1508

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By mathguy - United States - Green Bay

Today, I went for a job interview for a building position at a retail store. They saw on my application that I was good at math. They asked me what the circumference of a circle is. Being nervous during the interview, I accidentally said the area of a circle. I didn't get the job. FML

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23268

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By Anonymous

It's a doggy dog world

Today, I was bathing my dog at a self-serve dog wash at a pet store. The person next to me decided to express his dog's anal glands, and the vile, greasy, fish-smelling liquid hit me on the side of my face. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Garden Grove

Today, at work, the girl I've been into for the past 6 months confessed that she liked me, but also confessed she had sex with our boss. Our boss happens to be my dad. FML

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29550

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By Agamar - United States - Skokie

Today, I was so sleep deprived that while making instant oatmeal, I poured the oats into the garbage and put the empty packet in a bowl, then microwaved it for 2 minutes. FML

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20181

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - United States - Peachtree City

Today, we had a surprise party for my boss. Someone turned out all the lights. I was so scared of the dark, the first thing my boss saw when he walked in was all my co-workers watching me scream, "TURN IT ON!" FML

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36804

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Falk?ping

Today, I accidentally cut myself while slicing some sponge cake. My husband's first reaction was to ask if the cake had gotten bloody or not. FML

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24503

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a telemarketer found me so weird that he hung up on me. FML

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27454

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By Stan - United States

Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally kicked my 3 year old daughter in the face. Everyone we know, including my wife, thinks I beat her. FML

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33667

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By ¬_¬ - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my dad walked in on me filming a Harlem Shake video. He stared for a moment, said "Son, I don't have a problem with homosexuals, but... nevermind." then shook his head and walked out. FML

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41326

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By loser - Canada

Today, I was testing out my new webcam on an msn Video Call with a friend I hadn't seen in a while. In an attempt to look cool, I pretended to have a very interesting phone conversation. Later I found out my webcam has a mic. She "heard" the whole thing. FML

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7360

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By nbj10 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, my dad went snooping on my laptop, and saw that I'd recently looked up 2 Girls, 1 Cup. It was out of morbid curiosity, but he thinks I'm into "satanic porn", and confiscated every electronic device I own. Now I have to sneak to the library just to check my emails. FML

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41976

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By Si123 - 15/8/2020 08:01

Night terrors

Today, after a long day at work, I was ready to wind down for the night. I sat on my bed and turned towards a fluttering on my left. I saw the biggest daddy-longlegs inches from my face, jumped in the other direction, forgetting there was a wall, and hit my head on it. I'm now officially wide awake. FML

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1148

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215

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By hamburger - United States - Adrian

Today, my husband wanted to try anal for the first time. His attempt to sound romantic was him saying, "Open your buns, the meat is ready." FML

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61099

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was screamed at and told that I was denying someone's "second amendment" by not letting him through with a gun. I work at the border; he was trying to enter Canada. This is not the first time, and it probably won't be the last. FML

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By Cnscott0205 - United States - Denver

Big one

Today, I accidentally touched someone's boobs. It was a man. And I noticed that they were bigger than mine. FML

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1715

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By hannieannie - 12/7/2020 02:02

His type

Today, I had my hair done for the first time in 3 years. I loved it. My boyfriend told me I look like his ex. FML

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1446

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By taob - China - Nanning

Today, I was walking up some stairs, and I told the guy in front of me to be careful, as the handrail was loose and well-worn. I then put my hand on it, and promptly fell backwards down the stairs with a piece of handrail still in my hand. FML

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21312

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By BrokeAndSad - United States - Columbus

Today, I lost hundreds of dollars in gift cards. Robbed? No. Mugged? Don't think so. My roommate threw them away after he got water on them, thinking that it rendered them unusable. FML

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32401

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By Edgarillo - Vietnam - Ho Chi Minh City

Today, my hairdresser apologised because he couldn't distinguish the hair from the back of my head from the hair from my back. FML

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30411

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By post valentines depression

Today, my Tinder date arranged an Uber to pick her up before we had even finished our appetizers. She was so bored she couldn't be bothered to stay for the whole meal. FML

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3758

You deserved it

813

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By BoogieCandy. - Canada

Today, at work, I was standing at the till helping an attractive man. I have a cold and could feel the snot bubbling up. He orders and we flirt for a bit. Just as I'm about to hand him his product, I sneeze quite loudly and forcefully all over his face. Guess I won't be getting that number. FML

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29346

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By Alexa23 - United States

Today, I got out of the shower and my 3 year old sister comes into the bathroom and says "I want big boobies like yours when I grow up." And from the other room I hear my dad go "Sweetie, you've already got bigger boobs than your sister." FML

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130995

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By photoman - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was informed by a laughing friend, that my phone must be taking and uploading photos to Google+. Among numerous black shots, there is a particularly nice one of me while I'm sitting on the toilet. FML

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39694

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By jobekka - 20/3/2021 20:01

The Terminator

Today, I called my mother to hear how my dog was doing, because she had been taking care of her while I was moving. My mom told me she had put her down a couple of days ago, cause she was sick. FML

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By nofooddrinkorsex - United States

Today, my wife and I had our brand new king-size mattress set delivered. After the delivery men left, she informed me that I was no longer allowed to eat or drink in bed. Oh yeah, and we're not having sex on it either. FML

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1780

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By LIFT - 23/7/2020 08:01

Ant life

Today, my boyfriend accused me of cheating on him and talking to other guys in a Facebook group that’s literally called, "A group where we all pretend to be ants in a colony." When I showed him what it really was, he dumped me for participating in something he said was so stupid. FML

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1433

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532

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By too slow - United States

Today, I finally worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend we should start seeing other people. She said "Don't worry, I'm already way ahead of you." FML

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36107

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By Charles - Norway

Today, I finally found out who has been hacking my email account to send dirty messages to my teacher. My dad. FML

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44983

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By fack - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was relaxing in bed with an arm kind of behind my head, when I noticed a huge spider resting on my armpit. My sister said my screaming sounded like a "witch being burned to death" for all of 5 seconds before I realized the "spider" was just my armpit hair. FML

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22586

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By Alyssa - United States - Fayetteville

Today, I was kicked out of my review lecture at community college, for "being a disturbance and refusing to stop whistling." I wasn't even given a chance to explain that I have a cold. FML

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25419

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By Tired

Today, I got in trouble with my boss for doing what she wanted me to do. I guess she didn't think I would do it and did it herself. FML

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Top comments

By ancientmudkipz | 0

#29046 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:08

i lol'd

By Bubs_fml | 0

#29061 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:18

Eh, cats just tend to vomit at inopportune times. Don't sweat it. It's just like how dogs only seem to hump things when you have company over.

COMMENTS

By ancientmudkipz | 0

#29046 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:08

i lol'd

111615 | 0

#984936 - Monday 26 April 2010 3:27

haha me too:D

heyitsme0123 | 6

#989035 - Friday 7 May 2010 14:32

lmfao poor kitty

FreddyMustDie | 0

#1025125 - Wednesday 9 June 2010 16:17

Definitely Top 10 material

JinxSNC | 0

#1032868 - Thursday 17 June 2010 0:30

YDI for flashing your cat.

Cjw1220 | 0

#1160057 - Friday 30 July 2010 6:00

Me too! Rofl!

yohooooooo | 5

#2408107 - Tuesday 26 April 2011 7:26

those damn pussys need to stop throwin up that's all they do.

777buddy777 | 0

#3041774 - Friday 5 August 2011 4:44

you tramatized your cat poor cat

bmboente15 | 0

#4536921 - Thursday 7 June 2012 19:23

At least it wasn't a different pussy that got sick ;)

By ancientmudkipz | 0

#29047 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:09

i lol'd

By rainesan | 0

#29048 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:08

Wow, poor kitty :P

pop17123 | 19

#6517553 - Saturday 23 January 2016 2:04

Bogus

By fmladdict9214 | 0

#29049 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:08

ah. that really sucks. can't lie.

By greenman_fml | 0

#29050 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:10

take no offense. cat's don't matter. anything that it does can be taken with a grain of salt

latkematzoball | 0

#406845 - Saturday 18 July 2009 4:30

wow #5, thats kinda harsh. oh well, i guess ill have to stop listening to my cat now. Sigh. I really trusted him.....

eehizle | 0

#1043581 - Friday 25 June 2010 22:13

...

. wow.

By secrecies | 2

#29053 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:13

lame.
i've seen enough of these

By koalaberry18 | 0

#29056 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:15

Sorry, but that made me lol. Don't take your kitty's comment too serious, i'm sure it wasn't personal. She still loves you.

By RHK_fml | 0

#29058 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:16

damn. you must look terrible naked.

XxMidnightReader | 0

#1311011 - Saturday 28 August 2010 5:43

LOL way to be gentle...

fmlpro0987 | 0

#1578243 - Wednesday 20 October 2010 19:27

I agree

By Bubs_fml | 0

#29061 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:18

Eh, cats just tend to vomit at inopportune times. Don't sweat it. It's just like how dogs only seem to hump things when you have company over.

chamd | 0

#974010 - Sunday 4 April 2010 17:25

yah like my visitors leg #9

mrstomkaulitz | 0

#1035666 - Saturday 19 June 2010 7:13

haha ur lucky.. ur number 123 X]

By lockdown1101 | 0

#29070 - Friday 13 March 2009 1:21

lol... yeah, i doubt a cat would find a person sexually attractive regardless of how you look