Animals: Today, I was singing to my cat and she reached up and put her... - FML

By Noname - 04/02/2009 11:23 - Canada

Today, I was singing to my cat and she reached up and put her paw over my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 060

You deserved it 38 723

Psycho

Seize the means

Tock follow tick follows tock…

By Username - 06/02/2011 00:10 - United States

Spicy

Today, I realized I get more pleasure from a tampon than my boyfriend I have been having sex with for the past six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 894

You deserved it 7 214

By holy - 21/10/2009 21:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I told my brother to piss off. He decided to do exactly that, from the balcony onto my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 031

You deserved it 33 356

By Anonymous - 26/12/2009 12:43 - Australia

Today, I got a new laptop for Christmas. The picture on the box showed a woman balancing it on one finger to show how light it was, so I tried it myself. I dropped my laptop, breaking the hard drive and putting a massive crack down the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 015

You deserved it 100 390

By drop dead single - 22/11/2014 13:44 - United States

Today, on our third date, my date tried to get me drunk and kept trying to touch me up. When I said he was moving too fast, he sighed and soon left. Just minutes later, he posted on Facebook saying "Just got friendzoned -_-". One of his friends commented: "I hate bitches, man." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 162

You deserved it 4 451

By unwanted - 26/11/2014 18:13 - Canada - Dollard-des-ormeaux

Today, I drove over an hour to my grandma's house for her birthday party. When she answered the door, her eyes went wide and she said angrily "No, not you!" and slammed the door shut in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 549

You deserved it 2 912

By fucking teen cunts - 27/01/2013 21:59 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I was on a ladder at work, fetching some stock from one of the storage shelves. Some teenage kid thought it would be fucking hilarious to grab the ladder and violently shake it. He hadn't bet on me being startled enough to fall off and fracture my elbow on the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 041

You deserved it 2 508

By Birthday Surprise - 26/05/2014 21:18 - United States - Fayetteville

Today, my parents thought it would be a great surprise to accidentally shoot me in the leg for my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 573

You deserved it 4 979

By PissNTra - 19/07/2011 17:11 - United States

Today, I went over to my girlfriend's house to meet her entire family for the first time. Trying not to be rude, I ate their 12-bean and chorizo soup. Now I'm stuck in the bathroom trying to unclog the toilet with no plunger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 836

You deserved it 5 249

By SonofMnemosyne - 19/11/2018 07:30 - United States

Today, I have been on the toilet all day due to chocolate laxatives from trick-or-treating. Today, it is my birthday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 485

You deserved it 289

By Notfamous - 02/12/2015 22:18 - United States - West Point

Today, my mother found out I published a book. She demanded that I pay her all my royalties as repayment for her raising me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 734

You deserved it 1 512

Good morning!

By 3lavyaa - 07/10/2009 12:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and the sun was blinding me through my attic window. I have no blinds so I got a poster from my wall and stuck it to the wood on my window with nails. Turn's out I have woodrot, and my entire window fell out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 940

You deserved it 4 757

By LegInPieces - 17/10/2013 16:34 - United States - Redmond

Today, I spent an excruciating hour walking to campus with a broken leg, only to find my professor had left a note on the door saying class was canceled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 825

You deserved it 3 825

By Anonymous - 22/06/2016 00:28

Today, after the last few months of my sister living with me while she finds her feet, I asked if she could help me out by doing the washing up. Half an hour later, I walked into knee high dish soap foam in the kitchen. My sister was right in the middle, trying to sculpt dicks. She's 20. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 024

You deserved it 1 082

By Anonymous - 21/02/2019 20:00

Today, I wasn't sure whether it was past the time when they stopped giving out parking tickets. I checked the meters on either side of my car, and both were expired, so I figured I was good. I came back out to all three of us having tickets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 536

You deserved it 1 859

By gimp. - 08/05/2009 08:28 - United States

Today, I had surgery on my foot. The doctor told me I'd be on crutches for 6 months. I texted my boyfriend the news, promising lots of intimate favors if he'd watch movies with me while on bed rest for the next week. He texted back, "No way. I don't date cripples." Dumped for a broken foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 234

You deserved it 5 249

People are people

By Astounding competence - 03/11/2020 23:01 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, my country is going back into a full national lockdown after the government swore they wouldn't do another one. We desperately need to stop the spread, but with so many U-turns and broken rules from the government, no one is going to listen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 889

You deserved it 166

By Anonymous - 18/01/2014 03:48 - United States

Today, my roommate, who has bipolar disorder and refuses to take his meds, tried to stab me with a kitchen knife because I threw out his moldy cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 031

You deserved it 5 509

By heymacie - 19/02/2015 05:45 - United States - Lubbock

Spicy

Today, I was at a family gathering with my boyfriend. Jokingly, my grandmother swatted my butt to get me to move. Out of habit, I moaned quite loudly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 941

You deserved it 38 110

By toobroketoprotest - 16/08/2019 20:00

Today, I found out that the higher-ups aren’t letting us use the break room anymore, so guess it’s back to eating lunch in my car while it’s 100°F outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 706

You deserved it 108

School's out

By Ray Mundo - 18/07/2021 16:01

Today, I was at my school's choir concert, sitting in the audience with some people I had classes with. A guy with a really long beard walked in and I pointed him out to the guy next to me, saying, "Get a load of Duck Dynasty." He replied, "Yeah, that's my dad." FML

I agree, your life sucks 221

You deserved it 1 296

By not telling you my name - 07/08/2015 15:16 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I went to take a dump at work. The silence in the room was deafening, and I ended up singing to myself. After I proudly finished, there was a short silence, followed by a coworker in the next stall saying, "Um... don't quit the day job, Rick." I'll never live this down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 584

You deserved it 5 766

By WhatTheBleep - 09/04/2011 04:02 - United States

Today, I found out that my now-ex slept with his not-so-ex the day before our wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 360

You deserved it 3 522

By Quiteannoyed - 09/03/2013 10:35 - Finland - M?nts?l

Today, I received several texts congratulating me on my pregnancy. It turns out that my husband announced he is going to be a father on Facebook, which I don't use. I'm not pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 106

You deserved it 2 881

By jhughes1997 - 17/06/2013 01:39 - United States - Decatur

Today, I went fishing with my dad. I figured, since we were out on the dock, I may as well get rid of my farmer's tan. I fell asleep in the sun and woke up to a fishing net draped over me. I now have a fishnet pattern down the front of my body. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 769

You deserved it 12 412

By stop thief - 26/06/2014 15:11 - United States - Aurora

Today, someone stole my laptop from my car. However, they were nice enough to relock the doors after they smashed in the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 966

You deserved it 6 079

Being a parent 101

By Shavaughn Riley - 31/10/2020 23:03 - New Zealand - Kawerau

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I started to be intimate after a run of dry spells. I was looking forward to this, until one of our kids came barging into our room and ruined the moment for the rest of the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 891

You deserved it 234

By screwed - 18/06/2011 08:51 - United States

Today, my marriage counselor got divorced. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 551

You deserved it 4 933

By Patiently Watching - 04/03/2017 20:00

Today, after three university degrees and a decade of avoiding social media in order to make intelligent use of my time online, I discovered that giraffes are addictively mesmerizing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 221

You deserved it 1 326

So that's what the smell was!

By Anonymous - 23/11/2009 07:31 - United States

Today, I found my son's dead goldfish. Apparently, when it died he didn't flush it. Instead he placed it in one of my socks, placed that sock in a jar, and set the jar in the back of my closet. The fish has been dead for over a month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 419

You deserved it 2 841

By Nchristine - 27/05/2010 20:59 - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad had backed into my already crappy car. The reason they didn't buy me a nicer car in the first place was they were afraid I'd wreck it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 879

You deserved it 4 117

By Anonymous - 29/03/2017 07:00 - United States - Normal

Today, it's the 6th day in a row my roommate has not left our dorm room. I miss jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 790

You deserved it 1 084

A Tale of Two Nutritionists

By Christin Deason - 08/09/2019 22:00

Today, a friend criticized my detox method, calling it "unhealthy and unsafe." Recently, she made a post bragging about her dieting method, which is also very unhealthy and unsafe. I told her she was being a hypocrite. She unfriended and blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 268

You deserved it 365

By Anonymous - 03/04/2017 00:00

Today, my husband told my 5-year-old daughter that if I swallowed a watermelon seed, I would get pregnant. Tonight, she dropped one in my mouth while I was asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 231

You deserved it 603

Blackout

By Anonymous - 21/08/2021 16:01

Spicy

Today, I woke up from a night of serious depression, drinking by myself at home, to find a USB stick wrapped in plastic up my vagina, with "Top secret" written on it. There was nothing on the stick when I checked. I may need to give tequila a rest and switch back to gin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 411

You deserved it 1 503

The sad truth

By Soulara89 - 23/12/2014 01:28 - United States - Orlando

Today, on a first date with a guy, I spilled ice cream all over my pants. He bought me some more, and as I was thanking him, he said, "You've never had a guy treat you right, have you?" I said no and started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 407

You deserved it 5 223

By mudy247 - 27/04/2017 20:00

Today, it took me longer than it should have with a bit of calculations to remember how old I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 384

You deserved it 847

By googly191 - 19/12/2009 21:44 - United States

Today, it's my birthday, and apparently my family forgot it. But one person didn't forget. My dog gave me a little present in my new shoes I bought for myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 599

You deserved it 2 466

By ke - 29/01/2010 05:10 - United States

Today, I did something clever at work and I was telling one of the other girls about it. I said "Just using my noodle" and went to tap my temple but instead I jabbed myself in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 836

You deserved it 30 776

Ghost

By Braden - 28/10/2021 17:00

Today, I texted the guy I went out with last night. He'd told me he’d text me when he got home, but he never did. Cracking a joke, I asked him if he was homeless or something, since he broke his word. He replied, “No, I’m just not that into you. Have a nice life.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 839

You deserved it 411

By Dafuq happen there - 23/08/2014 07:34 - South Africa

Spicy

Today, after a long silent and awkward pause after asking my girlfriend's dad if I can take her on holiday for Christmas, he looked me dead in the eyes and said "No, you may not impregnate my daughter." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 572

You deserved it 6 600

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Wednesday 4 February 2009 17:55

This happens to me everytime I go to kiss my cat..LOL

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Friday 13 February 2009 4:59

Awwwwwwwww hahahaha! Despite the cuteness, the cat probably was just reaching for what it could see moving and hear sound coming from.. not trying to shut you up lol.

Comments

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Wednesday 4 February 2009 17:55

This happens to me everytime I go to kiss my cat..LOL

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Thursday 10 June 2010 4:44

it's sad that you try to kiss your cat.

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Monday 4 October 2010 2:15

it's sad that 57 will never experience a love between a animal n it's master. When you end up lonely and alone, you will wish you had a kitty to love.

sarahbella101 7

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Monday 16 May 2011 1:12

lol when I kiss my guinea pig she just stands there looking lile she doesnt know what to do.

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Saturday 31 March 2012 5:14

Lol that happens to me too! ????

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Monday 7 April 2014 5:20

could be great for a YouTube cat video... and how does Noname publish so many FMLs?

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Friday 13 February 2009 4:59

Awwwwwwwww hahahaha! Despite the cuteness, the cat probably was just reaching for what it could see moving and hear sound coming from.. not trying to shut you up lol.

enormouselephant 15

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Monday 8 October 2012 5:18

At least she's honest.

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Friday 20 February 2009 1:31

that's cute, I'd have to say

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Sunday 22 February 2009 23:08

hahah that is really funny

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Tuesday 24 February 2009 5:52

XD That's actually really funny. If I remember cat behavior correctly she was being affectionate, she may have also been confused as to why you were being so vocal since cats are usually so quiet.

kornonthecobb 0

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Monday 21 September 2009 23:15

lol my bros cat is always "talking" its actually annoying when u try 2 sleep and hes all over u and meowing loudly but hes still cute

tieranosaurus 0

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Thursday 26 February 2009 18:57

cat's probably hear different tones than we do, too, so maybe it sounded entirely different to your cat. regardless, cats are so adorable xD

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Wednesday 4 March 2009 1:53

Its just JEALOUS XD

King_of_Kings 3

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Wednesday 4 March 2009 5:09

i love cats. i have a bombay named Midnight. i been feeling he is lonely, so im getting a kitten next month. im naming him Hunter Hearst Helmsley

Rilan 0

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Wednesday 4 March 2009 9:35

You were probably being too loud. If you were close enough that she could cover your mouth with her paw then you were pretty close to her ears. They're sensitive!

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Monday 30 March 2009 21:06

Thats Fucking Hilarious XD HAHAHAHAHA

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 7

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 9

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 245

You deserved it 59

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 601

You deserved it 79