Intimacy: Today, I was watching The Walking Dead while in bed, when I heard...

By Slow_Walker - Georgia - Tbilisi

Today, I was watching The Walking Dead while in bed, when I heard a noise in the kitchen. I told myself I was just imagining things. Several hours later, as I was getting ready for sleep, I found out I'd actually been robbed. FML

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Slow_Walker tells us more :

Yeah for me too... my reaction was taking the biggest kitchen knife, locking the door and looking for that bastard... for the moment i thought i was capable of killing someone... it scares me.. didn't know i was capable of even thinking like this :0

Intimacy

Sorry…

Late term

Taking stock

By Hornymuch - Germany

Today, I realized why it's a bad idea to store your business cards and your "emergency condom" in the same handbag compartment. I realized this after a client watched me miss the cards and pull out the condom after our lunch meeting. FML

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By Anonymous - Estonia - Tallinn

Same

Today, my boyfriend told me that he gets more pleasure out of using a Q-tip than he does having sex with me. FML

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By MystoganFT - United States - Emmaus

Today, some guy I don't know walked up to me and told me that he's determined to sleep with my girlfriend, then walked away while giving me the finger. I've never seen him before in my life. FML

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By Squashed - United States

Today, my 250 pound boyfriend was on top of me while we were making out. I actually passed out in the middle of it from not being able to breathe. FML

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53027

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By navyma - Korea Republic of

Today, I went to the orthodontist to have my braces worked on. I accidentally swallowed some of the cleaning solution she used. She told me it would probably give me an upset stomach. Apparently, an upset stomach and crapping your pants means the same thing to an orthodontist. FML

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39689

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By whitefox123 - United States

Today, I was riding in the backseat while my mom was driving. Noticing she was driving way over the speed limit, I opened a police siren app on my iPod to make her slow down. When she realized, she pulled over, kicked me out of the car and made me walk home. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden

Seeing is believing

Today, while taking a shower, I thought that the bathroom was extra steamy because of all the hot water. It wasn't until two-three minutes later when I put some shampoo in my hair that I realized I had forgotten to take my glasses off. FML

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By D - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I had to calm my hallucinating mom after she accidentally overdosed on one of her pills, then spend ages trying to protect her from the "monkey" on the wall. FML

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42253

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By airhead2015 - United States - Morristown

Today, I ran out of toilet paper. I yelled from the bathroom for my parents to bring me some toilet paper. My dad slipped one tiny piece of toilet paper under the door and boomed, "THE FINAL TEST." FML

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By spriggs - United States

Today, I was walking down the street and spotted a man who was about 6 and a half feet tall passing by me. As he passed me, I turned and asked him "How's the weather up there?" He then turned around, spat on me, and replied "Raining." FML

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By Ava_Darkflame - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I had to call the police to get my crazy stalker of a neighbor out of my house. When the police arrived, I found out that she was friends with the officer. FML

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2362

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By - Australia

Today, as I walked out of a club, I slipped in my new shoes and spilled my chicken, chips and gravy on my brand new white dress. Not only did people see me do this, but my dress is ruined. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that I was one point away from passing a state science exam. FML

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By Rich - United States

Today, I let my dog outside so he could pee. After an hour, I let him back in. He just wanted to come inside to pee on the floor. FML

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By Idon'thave£12000

Could go either way, really

Today, I received a full scholarship to the university of my dreams in England. Being born into a fairly poor family, I've never received anything for free and I worked on my grades like a dog last semester to achieve this. However, the scholarship is only valid if the UK stays in the EU. FML

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2424

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By V - United States

Today, I visited my 78 year old grandmother. She thanked me for visiting and gave me a magazine before I left telling me I might find something I like in there. When I got home I looked at the magazine only to realize it's full of dildos and sextoys. FML

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42248

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By Anonymous - United States - Ewa Beach

Today, I was taking a piss when a fly landed inside the urinal. I thought it would be funny to try to aim and pee on it until it flew away and I stupidly continued aiming, peeing all over the floor and the wall. Another man came in time to see it. FML

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By quirrus - United States

Today, while showering with my boyfriend, he asked if something was weird about his penis. Naturally, I looked closer. As soon as I did, he sprayed my face with urine. This is only the beginning; we just moved in. FML

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52796

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By Stuck - United States

Today, I heard on a TV show that it's possible to fit a standard light-bulb in your mouth, but it can't be removed afterwards. I just had to try this out. And then visit the local hospital to get it removed. FML

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By w-dog - Canada

Today, after spending $15,000 to treat my dog's cancer over the past two months, he died of kidney failure. FML

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60491

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By Alex - United States

Today, I had to get out my birth certificate to prove to my dad that today is my birthday. This has happened before. FML

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34492

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By hurt - United States

Today, finally accepting the fact that the love of my life has moved on, I took myself to a movie, alone, on a Saturday night. After buying the last ticket to a sold out movie and trying to find the only open seat in the dark, I sit down... right next to my ex-best friend AND my ex-fiancé. FML

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By sorry dawg

Today, my coworker had been distraught over not being able to keep his dog after his divorce, so trying to be sweet, I'd ordered a specially-made stuffy that looked like it. I put it on his desk with a note and cookies. He thought I was mocking him and threw the plate at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2020 22:49 - Canada - Toronto

Classic canine move

Today, I was walking my dog when another dog barked at him. My dog ran, pulling me with him. I fell to the ground in pain, with my hand still holding the leash. FML

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885

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By shadow - United States - Osceola

Today, my mother-in-law told my fiancé that I had to leave and wasn’t allowed to live there anymore. I own the house. She’s mad because I locked the door so she couldn't walk in anytime she wanted. FML

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5773

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By FML - United States - Houston

Today, I got robbed. I just moved so I didn't have much in my new house. They did decide that my cat was valuable enough to steal. FML

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By Anonymous

Pissed

Today, I went to the hospital, which was super busy. I did a pee test when I first arrived. After 5 hours of waiting, they told me they'd lost my pee. How do you lose someone's piss? FML

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1675

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By WhataStrangeTripThisIs - 23/12/2020 22:58

Slow

Today, my fiancé told me he loved me just the way I am. But admitted he wished he had met me before my head injury that made me "slow." FML

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By Baileyy - United States

Today, while pensively thinking up my next awesome Facebook status over dinner, I finally came to the conclusion that I need to get a life. FML

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By polebitch49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my friends hired a male stripper to give me a lap dance for my birthday. It was all pretty nice until he let rip one of the most nauseating farts I've ever encountered, right in my face. Hours later, I can still smell it. FML

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59878

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By Jarman - United States - Columbus

Today, I had to turn down an offer of what seemed like some sexy time with a cute girl because my intestines were bursting with an intense desire to unleash molten lava. I rushed home to squat down, only to let out a disappointingly small piece of crud and a tiny fart. FML

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33836

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By unwantedforlife - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me but wanted to make sure that we were still friends, so he could still use my Netflix. FML

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By tkdbb11790

Threesome

Today, my girlfriend asked me what I wanted for my birthday. Apparently “A threesome” is not the appropriate answer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jefferson

Today, I found out what it's like to drive seven hours home with a woman who just brutally rejected your marriage proposal. FML

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47191

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By Anonymous

It's not mine, dumbass

Today, my girlfriend announced to me that she is pregnant and tried to tell me it was mine. I lost both testicles to an infection as a teenager so, no way it’s mine. Somehow, she never made the mental connection that no balls equals no children and no way to convince me I’m the dad. FML

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3717

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I was outside at a café and looked at my phone. When I did, a woman halfway across the patio started screaming at me, demanding I tell her who I was texting and why. She then sprinted over, furious at me for apparently badmouthing her to somebody. All I did was check the time. FML

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41768

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By Jennnn - United States

Today, I was at a stop light when I saw a cute police officer at the light across the intersection. Trying to be cute as I drove by, I turned and winked and waved. The car in front of me stopped, I rear ended them and then got rear ended. The cute cop winked back, then wrote me a ticket. FML

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By scaredy cat - 9/8/2020 14:02

Wuss

Today, my boyfriend is completely obsessed with zombie and horror movies. I don’t care what he watches, the only problem is the big wuss has horrible thrashing nightmares. Last night he thrashed so hard, he elbowed me in the face. I have a big swollen purple knot right on my forehead. FML

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1380

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By ronniewciv

Today, I was delivering pizza in the rain. A woman answered the door, saw me soaking wet and said, "Wow this rain is terrible, it must be horrible to be out delivering in it." She then tipped me 21 cents. FML

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31468

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By FirstDaddy - United States - Southfield

Today, my daughter told me that she liked her "other daddy" better. I don't know who's she talking about, but my wife is doing a good job telling her to be quiet. FML

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Top comments

By MrConcise | 34

#6119903 - Sunday 16 November 2014 8:58

Maybe you should've watched CSI or Cops, then you would've taken it seriously.

By JGKLassiter | 6

#6119905 - Sunday 16 November 2014 8:59

At least you're safe! A life is priceless, the items robbed are irrelevant and can be replaced.

COMMENTS

By MrConcise | 34

#6119903 - Sunday 16 November 2014 8:58

Maybe you should've watched CSI or Cops, then you would've taken it seriously.

iLike2Teabag | 27

#6120013 - Sunday 16 November 2014 10:58

You can say OP got robbed cause she was a little too...

... Tuned in.

YEEEEEEEEAAAAAAH!

Wiringify | 22

#6120037 - Sunday 16 November 2014 12:01

Nope.

teentee401 | 36

#6120059 - Sunday 16 November 2014 14:06

That's...that's not a pun in this context.

Slow_Walker | 7

#6121159 - Monday 17 November 2014 20:25

oh don't you worry... I've instructed the police how to investigate my case :)))) they laughed and left though :)))))

By JGKLassiter | 6

#6119905 - Sunday 16 November 2014 8:59

At least you're safe! A life is priceless, the items robbed are irrelevant and can be replaced.

FBellesLife | 15

#6119926 - Sunday 16 November 2014 9:08

Very true, but unfortunately not everything is replaceable.
OP, maybe it's time to check if the doors and windows are locked, regardless if you are or aren't in the house, could have been worse. FYL but YDI.

niallo | 23

#6119935 - Sunday 16 November 2014 9:18

I disagree. If you catch someone robbing your house, unless you're really big, the chance is they'll attack you. A life is more important then stuff, even if it's irreplaceable. FYL

184886837272837 | 32

#6120102 - Sunday 16 November 2014 14:55

#11 she kinda said the same thing? That a life is more important than the stuff getting stolen? You're right about how odds are you might get attacked but that's kinda irrelevant to her comment.