Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I had to drive my husband to the ER because he stuck a cucumber in his butt. FML
Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML
Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML
Today, I picked out a massive two-inch long ingrown hair on my chin. I called my girlfriend in to take a look. She saw it, shrieked, then fainted, cracking her head on the toilet as she fell. Hello, hospital bill. FML
Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML
Today, my ambulance got called out for a "stomach pain" patient. Upon assessment, the guy really did have stomach pain. His colostomy bag fell off a week ago, so to stop the crap from falling out, he duct taped it shut. It exploded when I helped him up. FML
Today, while working for a hospital security company, I had to assist in restraining a male patient while the nurses put a catheter in him. All I will say is that it looked like a worm trying to swallow a straw. FML
Today, I decided to be healthy and make a fresh juice out of carrots and apples. Apparently, something had gone bad and now my asshole feels like a bomb just went off inside it. Good start to a healthy lifestyle. FML
Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML
Today, I ate a dragon fruit and drank some aloe. I was at work and had to stop what I was doing and run to the bathroom so I didn’t poop my pants. After I was done, I saw splatters of shit on the floor. Confused, I looked at the toilet. To my surprise, I found out I projectile diarrhea-ed all over my work toilet. FML
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Top comments
Welshite 40
That's not how one is supposed to get fiber...
Saone_fml 27
Oh I'd heard a similar one. "I was outside gardening, I slipped and my trousers fell down, and I fell on the carrot and you know the rest... I don't know what prankster decided to put condoms on my carrots though."
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Comments (176)
wvcheesehead 13
Bugs Bunny saying "what's up my ass doc" I suppose it is healthier than shoving a candy bar up his ass.
weveallbeenthere 30
I'm sure the xrays have made it around already.
johbstonjacob 8
Ever heard of patient confidentiality?
Merylwen 24
Do you see a name anywhere? Of hospital, doctor or patient?
rocker_chick23 27
He isn't breaking doctor/patient confidentiality. If he told us the guys name and where this happened, he would.
doctorhook86 25
#51 is a little grumpy. He just got back from the hospital, where he had to get a carrot removed from his ass.
foxmatrix15 8
On a side note: did u know Sylvester Stallone helped start the Richard Gere rumor about the gerbil?
moneybenny 10
You work at a hospital what do you expect? Smelling flowers all day? Hardly and FML, I feel bad for the dude with a carrot in his ass
CaptainSmith28 19
That story takes the carrot cake. *ba dum tss*
KayZeep 3
lol, We had someone (actually many) at our hospital say the exact same thing. The best one was a coke bottle that went all the way up. The x-ray would have made an amazing coca-cola advertisement.
DocBastard 40
What kind of X-ray would that be?
doctorhook86 25
#81: Personally, I can't picture it.
91hayek 31
This destroys the credibility of people who do fall on vegetables or bottles or other phallic objects that aren't usually upright and would fit up a butt. I feel that with my bad vertigo, one day I will be looked upon as some kind of deviant when I was just really really unlucky.
KJ6 21
did anyone carrot enough to drive him in?
tehdarkness 21
I never understand why people don't just go and buy real sex toys.
Merylwen 24
Well, sex toys can get stuck as well. And then there isn't really any stupid excuse to make up, because sex toys only have one purpose.
91hayek 31
Because the carbon footprint is too large. Just grow a carrot, shove it up your ass and then wash it and eat it in a salad afterwards. You save on lunch and help the environment.
RedPillSucks 33
*throws carrot cake in the trash* Thanx for ruining my appetite