Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I had to drive my husband to the ER because he stuck a cucumber in his butt. FML
Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML
Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML
Today, I picked out a massive two-inch long ingrown hair on my chin. I called my girlfriend in to take a look. She saw it, shrieked, then fainted, cracking her head on the toilet as she fell. Hello, hospital bill. FML
Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML
Today, my ambulance got called out for a "stomach pain" patient. Upon assessment, the guy really did have stomach pain. His colostomy bag fell off a week ago, so to stop the crap from falling out, he duct taped it shut. It exploded when I helped him up. FML
Today, while working for a hospital security company, I had to assist in restraining a male patient while the nurses put a catheter in him. All I will say is that it looked like a worm trying to swallow a straw. FML
Today, I decided to be healthy and make a fresh juice out of carrots and apples. Apparently, something had gone bad and now my asshole feels like a bomb just went off inside it. Good start to a healthy lifestyle. FML
Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML
Today, I ate a dragon fruit and drank some aloe. I was at work and had to stop what I was doing and run to the bathroom so I didn’t poop my pants. After I was done, I saw splatters of shit on the floor. Confused, I looked at the toilet. To my surprise, I found out I projectile diarrhea-ed all over my work toilet. FML
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Top comments
Welshite 40
That's not how one is supposed to get fiber...
Saone_fml 27
Oh I'd heard a similar one. "I was outside gardening, I slipped and my trousers fell down, and I fell on the carrot and you know the rest... I don't know what prankster decided to put condoms on my carrots though."
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Comments (176)
moneybenny 10
I'm a big oblivious crybaby.
doctorhook86 25
Neat.
p_syko 5
Bwahahahahaha!!!!!! Poor carrot :)
cannonman1863 17
That sounds like a perfectly reasonable explanation. Who hasn't slipped on a vegetable while rushing to answer the phone.
i_h8t_everything 12
Someone was watching too much Family Guy...
DarkPoet_fml 5
. I wouldn't want that crappy piece of carrot cake D:
simply_in_love 9
you never watch the 1000 ways to die? woman masturbated with a carrot and died
Queenie2014 11
I still don't understand how that happened
dannnngthatsux 19
The carrots I know have no give. The male member and toys (I assume...) have some give. I think she pierced the wall of her hooha, or maybe the carrot wasn't very clean? Septic shock kills. Wait, she didn't know she was allergic!!!
slackerjoe 22
a piece of the carrot was shoved into the blood stream through the walls of her ''hoo ha''. she had a heart attack or something when it hit her heart.
doctorhook86 25
#142: Serious question: How hard does a woman have to **** herself to accidentally stab through her vaginal wall? Related question: How sharp was the carrot?
ironhead_fml 20
What a Carrot Cake!!!
worldclassrager 41
It Could Have Been Worse...Right? Two Carrots?
tbone5466 9
why didnt he just poop………
dannnngthatsux 19
Ever had a hard poop that would not move? A thousand times more (I guess.)
BvbArmy_0 18
He couldn't shit it out?