Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I had to drive my husband to the ER because he stuck a cucumber in his butt. FML
Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML
Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML
Today, I picked out a massive two-inch long ingrown hair on my chin. I called my girlfriend in to take a look. She saw it, shrieked, then fainted, cracking her head on the toilet as she fell. Hello, hospital bill. FML
Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML
Today, my ambulance got called out for a "stomach pain" patient. Upon assessment, the guy really did have stomach pain. His colostomy bag fell off a week ago, so to stop the crap from falling out, he duct taped it shut. It exploded when I helped him up. FML
Today, while working for a hospital security company, I had to assist in restraining a male patient while the nurses put a catheter in him. All I will say is that it looked like a worm trying to swallow a straw. FML
Today, I decided to be healthy and make a fresh juice out of carrots and apples. Apparently, something had gone bad and now my asshole feels like a bomb just went off inside it. Good start to a healthy lifestyle. FML
Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML
Today, I ate a dragon fruit and drank some aloe. I was at work and had to stop what I was doing and run to the bathroom so I didn’t poop my pants. After I was done, I saw splatters of shit on the floor. Confused, I looked at the toilet. To my surprise, I found out I projectile diarrhea-ed all over my work toilet. FML
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Top comments
Welshite 40
That's not how one is supposed to get fiber...
Saone_fml 27
Oh I'd heard a similar one. "I was outside gardening, I slipped and my trousers fell down, and I fell on the carrot and you know the rest... I don't know what prankster decided to put condoms on my carrots though."
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Comments (176)
Welshite 40
That's not how one is supposed to get fiber...
ComoEsJuan 24
Carrots are good for your eyesight.... ...your brown-eye sight.
iOceanus 18
That's how Quagmire looks so young.
incoherentrmblr 22
Well, vegetables are good for the colon...
htownpostman 16
Sounds legit.
wanted_2_want 40
#1 probably the guy had the runs and wanted something to "stop it" with. That was bad I know...
fortune789 17
I like how OP said "this one took the cake" hehehe carrot cake hehehehe kakakarrotkake
junkman6 22
Hey carrots are dangerous. Potato guns are fun... Load a carrot into a potato gun and someone's going to the hospital to get a carrot removed from their thigh. Not personal experience or anything.
ForFudgeSake 6
Today, the phone rang while I was showering. Since I was expecting an important call, I ran out, wet and soapy, only to slip onto a box of produce. I had to go to the hospital. They didn't believe me. FML.
spignona84 11
Are we ever going to find out who extracted the carrot?
barneyAU 4
Kakakarmenelektra
Adam5858 17
Ehm I am not quite sure how to feel about this.Sorry OP for those life damaging images.But what the hell was he thinking.
Welshite 40
He was making tossed salad in the shower.
aruam365 24
I recently had a patient who had "sat" on a Barbie...
MrConcise 35
Welshite, you had three very snappy and clever comments for this FML. Are you sure you don't have experience in this particular field? ;)
Welshite 40
Well, I don't have much experience in carrot fields. Zucchini farmers hate me though.
91hayek 31
"He's back Obediah! He's out there in the field, get your gun!" "Oh lawd, no! Not my best in show! Not my prized baby! Woman avert your eyes!"
MichaelDeSanta 20
At the hospital I work at we had someone with a cucumber stuck up there, he said it was a "gardening accident."
sexaybitch 14
#52 my fiancé had to get a AAA battery from an old lady's ****** because she wanted to "Store it until it leaked." it leaked.
mybubbles2000 13
Welshite is just very witty.
Soobie 10
I bet carrots are off the menu for awhile...if not forever. How could you ever look at one again and not have flashbacks?
ukeandfoodislife 19
Agreed. I feel awful for OP... I wonder if this is DocBastard:)
fiftycarrots 15
So... I'm not welcome?
Saone_fml 27
Oh I'd heard a similar one. "I was outside gardening, I slipped and my trousers fell down, and I fell on the carrot and you know the rest... I don't know what prankster decided to put condoms on my carrots though."
gjikvtj 18
Yeah my prankster neighbor is a liscensed vegetable offender... look it up on the website if you dont believe me
J215B 33
If he wanted x-ray vision, that's the wrong end.
cricketsins 36
What? That story is totally believable. I mean - how else could it have gotten there?
silvercamaro 22
I think it would've been a much more solid cover story if he said he was taking a bubble bath
Nordrag 26
Sounds like you had a fun day at work.
avila_boy22 12
him too
yeyeboys 20
I'm not sure how I feel about this.
bufay 21
Ouch for you, but that guy life is more ****** now
Fuhkyoo 17
mostly just his ass
Welshite 40
At least he was being safe and washing his vegetables. Showering with them is proven to remove all germs and dirt.
avila_boy22 12
oh yeah next he'll shower with his cucumbers