Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I had to drive my husband to the ER because he stuck a cucumber in his butt. FML
Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML
Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML
Today, I picked out a massive two-inch long ingrown hair on my chin. I called my girlfriend in to take a look. She saw it, shrieked, then fainted, cracking her head on the toilet as she fell. Hello, hospital bill. FML
Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML
Today, my ambulance got called out for a "stomach pain" patient. Upon assessment, the guy really did have stomach pain. His colostomy bag fell off a week ago, so to stop the crap from falling out, he duct taped it shut. It exploded when I helped him up. FML
Today, while working for a hospital security company, I had to assist in restraining a male patient while the nurses put a catheter in him. All I will say is that it looked like a worm trying to swallow a straw. FML
Today, I decided to be healthy and make a fresh juice out of carrots and apples. Apparently, something had gone bad and now my asshole feels like a bomb just went off inside it. Good start to a healthy lifestyle. FML
Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML
Today, I ate a dragon fruit and drank some aloe. I was at work and had to stop what I was doing and run to the bathroom so I didn’t poop my pants. After I was done, I saw splatters of shit on the floor. Confused, I looked at the toilet. To my surprise, I found out I projectile diarrhea-ed all over my work toilet. FML
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Top comments
Welshite 40
That's not how one is supposed to get fiber...
Saone_fml 27
Oh I'd heard a similar one. "I was outside gardening, I slipped and my trousers fell down, and I fell on the carrot and you know the rest... I don't know what prankster decided to put condoms on my carrots though."
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Comments (176)
Witchylady 18
Why, why, why would anyone stick a carrot up their bum. Let alone anything else? Don't they all know it eventually ends with a trip to the hospital and some lame ass story of how it got there in the first place. Some people are really scarily dumb.
rocker_chick23 27
The prostate is like the G-spot in a woman's ******. It's the same as a woman using a vibrator or even vegetables to pleasure themselves.
Liamj774 36
Wait you're not supposed to keep a box if vegetables in the shower?
buckeye1 9
That's one way to wash your vegetables for your salad. kind of like showering while wearing clothes so you can do your laundry at the same time
lalaney 14
Man, this ridiculous situation sure takes the carrot.
DocBastard 40
This reminds me of a story about a guy and a Coke bottle...
cakefete2 31
Oh really? How did it... uh end? I heard that those kind of suppositories are quite dangerous. The last guy i heard do that didn't die butt it sure rectum.
adkim78 17
I knew I would find you here doc
DocBastard 40
Where else would I be? A story about a carrot stuck in the rectum? Damn right, I'll be all over that every time.
ZombieSazza 34
I really, REALLY want to hear this story!
GraceyBlueEyes 13
then go to his blog.
Saraishi 25
Where else would you keep your carrots?
silverthewolf 4
guess you could say it was a shitty time
mistertbawk420 10
Get out
captainsmegma 12
While you were removing it I hope you "tossed the salad"!!
emily4040 18
Why would you have a box of vegetables outside your shower?
rocker_chick23 27
He was lying, hence the cover story.
mjar85 0
This is a hippa violation
Sirin_fml 47
Don't you mean "HIPAA"? And no, no it isn't.
rocker_chick23 27
No it's not. The only way it would have been violated is if the OP said who it happened to.
DocBastard 40
Wait wait, I got this. Hey mjar86, please explain how this violates any privacy policy/law. Because if it does, I know of a blog that is highly illegal and is about to get me in deep shit. Please, I can't wait for you to dazzle us with your knowledge of this law which you can't even spell properly.