Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I had to drive my husband to the ER because he stuck a cucumber in his butt. FML
Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML
Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML
Today, I picked out a massive two-inch long ingrown hair on my chin. I called my girlfriend in to take a look. She saw it, shrieked, then fainted, cracking her head on the toilet as she fell. Hello, hospital bill. FML
Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML
Today, my ambulance got called out for a "stomach pain" patient. Upon assessment, the guy really did have stomach pain. His colostomy bag fell off a week ago, so to stop the crap from falling out, he duct taped it shut. It exploded when I helped him up. FML
Today, while working for a hospital security company, I had to assist in restraining a male patient while the nurses put a catheter in him. All I will say is that it looked like a worm trying to swallow a straw. FML
Today, I decided to be healthy and make a fresh juice out of carrots and apples. Apparently, something had gone bad and now my asshole feels like a bomb just went off inside it. Good start to a healthy lifestyle. FML
Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML
Today, I ate a dragon fruit and drank some aloe. I was at work and had to stop what I was doing and run to the bathroom so I didn’t poop my pants. After I was done, I saw splatters of shit on the floor. Confused, I looked at the toilet. To my surprise, I found out I projectile diarrhea-ed all over my work toilet. FML
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Top comments
Welshite 40
That's not how one is supposed to get fiber...
Saone_fml 27
Oh I'd heard a similar one. "I was outside gardening, I slipped and my trousers fell down, and I fell on the carrot and you know the rest... I don't know what prankster decided to put condoms on my carrots though."
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Comments (176)
Eivana 37
Hah! The old 'I slipped!' routine.
MrDiezel 3
Dave Chapelle voice..
skyeyez9 25
My mom is an ER doc and had to remove a barbie doll from a man's anus. He claimed he and his daughter were playing with barbies, and she set it down on the couch. He sat down, not realizing it was there. The Barbie was unclothed and her arms pointed upwards in the x ray. Also, one of my neighbors is also an er physician. The place she works at has a contract with a nearby prison, so she gets a surprisingly amount of contraband butt extractions sent her way.
slyde32 12
why was he sitting down naked on the couch after playing with his daughter? that's worse than the truth, I think
skyeyez9 25
I dont know if he even had a daughter. But yeah, his excuse was ridiculous.
iboard555 16
Hopefully you didn't eat the carrot afterwards! Lol jk
mybubbles2000 13
Oh God my eyes are burning after reading this. You have made my whole day.
ishchandan 14
Tell him to shit it out
slothinout 7
Why would you have carrots in your bathroom?
mybubbles2000 13
Why did you feel the need to ask?
Auromo 14
seems legit
Ogodwhyzzz 6
So the story took the Carrot Cake.
BoltTheSuperdog 22
So his story "...took the cake..."? Carrot cake, perhaps?