Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML
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College Life
Packed lecture halls, a sketchy roommate and frat parties: welcome to college, the real thing.
Today, I had to drive my husband to the ER because he stuck a cucumber in his butt. FML
Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML
Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML
Today, I picked out a massive two-inch long ingrown hair on my chin. I called my girlfriend in to take a look. She saw it, shrieked, then fainted, cracking her head on the toilet as she fell. Hello, hospital bill. FML
Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML
Today, my ambulance got called out for a "stomach pain" patient. Upon assessment, the guy really did have stomach pain. His colostomy bag fell off a week ago, so to stop the crap from falling out, he duct taped it shut. It exploded when I helped him up. FML
Today, while working for a hospital security company, I had to assist in restraining a male patient while the nurses put a catheter in him. All I will say is that it looked like a worm trying to swallow a straw. FML
Today, I decided to be healthy and make a fresh juice out of carrots and apples. Apparently, something had gone bad and now my asshole feels like a bomb just went off inside it. Good start to a healthy lifestyle. FML
Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML
Today, I ate a dragon fruit and drank some aloe. I was at work and had to stop what I was doing and run to the bathroom so I didn’t poop my pants. After I was done, I saw splatters of shit on the floor. Confused, I looked at the toilet. To my surprise, I found out I projectile diarrhea-ed all over my work toilet. FML
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Top comments
Welshite 40
That's not how one is supposed to get fiber...
Saone_fml 27
Oh I'd heard a similar one. "I was outside gardening, I slipped and my trousers fell down, and I fell on the carrot and you know the rest... I don't know what prankster decided to put condoms on my carrots though."
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Comments (176)
pangalactic 2
Look on the bright side - you now have a healthy snack all ready for your break.
sirdano 3
he was just feeding the hamster stuck up there
PotatoPal 11
Sir, carrots are supposed go in the OTHER hole.
ShittingHicks 4
Yah the urethra.
FalconWhitaker 20
I don't understand why people try to explain away things like this. The people at the hospital already know it's a sexual thing. Why even bother lying? Why not just admit "Yup, couldn't afford a ***** and it went spectacularly wrong"?
XxKatiie 7
Thanks OP for stealing my FML from the moderating process, great to know there's a lot of assholes on here. This incident happened in a hospital in SA, Australia. I'm a female nurse, not an anon man from Florida.
Dopeshit_fml 4
LMFAO
zombraingirl 11
I believe him. It's happened to me before.
mattbaker 17
did he come nude to hospital?
XxKatiie 7
I can answer this because unlike OP this is actually my FML, he didn't come to the emergency ward nude, he managed to dress himself but had great difficulty sitting down.
jaredofmo 22
If sitting on a carrot (even quickly and by accident) is enough to make it go up there, it wouldn't be the first time you've had something there.
dayavera 9
sure... he has a box of vegetables in the bathroom :/