Today, we had a guy come into the hospital with a carrot stuck deep in his anus. I've heard all kinds of ridiculous cover stories, but his took the cake; he claimed the phone rang while he was showering and he slipped onto a box of vegetables. Guess who had to extract the carrot. FML
Collection
College Life
Packed lecture halls, a sketchy roommate and frat parties: welcome to college, the real thing.
Today, I had to drive my husband to the ER because he stuck a cucumber in his butt. FML
Today, another idiot was admitted to my hospital with a foreign object up his ass. Yet again, the excuse went along the lines of "I tripped and fell on it." Please, someone tell me how you can accidentally trip anus-first onto the end of a cucumber, which just so happens to have a condom on it. FML
Today, as if to prove that there is no end to the unspeakable stupidity of the human race, a patient was brought into my hospital, needing a cellphone removed from his anus. FML
Today, I picked out a massive two-inch long ingrown hair on my chin. I called my girlfriend in to take a look. She saw it, shrieked, then fainted, cracking her head on the toilet as she fell. Hello, hospital bill. FML
Today, I spent 5 hours in the emergency room for what I thought was heavy bloody diarrhea. After having various implements and doctors' fingers shoved up my ass, it turns out I was only shitting out the family-sized bag of red spicy cheese curls I had eaten for lunch. FML
Today, my ambulance got called out for a "stomach pain" patient. Upon assessment, the guy really did have stomach pain. His colostomy bag fell off a week ago, so to stop the crap from falling out, he duct taped it shut. It exploded when I helped him up. FML
Today, while working for a hospital security company, I had to assist in restraining a male patient while the nurses put a catheter in him. All I will say is that it looked like a worm trying to swallow a straw. FML
Today, I decided to be healthy and make a fresh juice out of carrots and apples. Apparently, something had gone bad and now my asshole feels like a bomb just went off inside it. Good start to a healthy lifestyle. FML
Today, I had to take my fiancé to the hospital so they could remove a tampon applicator that he claimed he somehow "fell onto". It was lodged up his nostril. I'm marrying this man in a week. FML
Today, I ate a dragon fruit and drank some aloe. I was at work and had to stop what I was doing and run to the bathroom so I didn’t poop my pants. After I was done, I saw splatters of shit on the floor. Confused, I looked at the toilet. To my surprise, I found out I projectile diarrhea-ed all over my work toilet. FML
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Top comments
Welshite 40
That's not how one is supposed to get fiber...
Saone_fml 27
Oh I'd heard a similar one. "I was outside gardening, I slipped and my trousers fell down, and I fell on the carrot and you know the rest... I don't know what prankster decided to put condoms on my carrots though."
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Comments (176)
Faded315 6
Lol who the **** keeps vegetables in the bathroom he lying he likes it in the ass no need to lie
rocker_chick23 27
Of course he is lying. Anyone with a brain realizes that.
ilovesoccer1610 31
No shit Sherlock
glabberfasted 16
Was it the phrase "cover story" that gave away the fact that he was lying?
kumarina 35
This remind me of the story of a guy accused of rape, and daid that it was a nudist beach and he just fell.... Sorry OP, is a funny story to tell later
doctorhook86 25
I got stuck! It was like one of those finger traps, so I had to keep pulling and pushing until I managed to worm my worm outta there!
vikky538 29
at least he wasn't saying that he is trying to eat the carrot and it accidently went there.. sorry OP..
Emocuttergirl 13
Isn't there a g spot in a guys butt? Cuz that would explain
anticulas 12
Dear lord, it's fairly common knowledge at this point. the prostate can only be massaged rectally...
91hayek 31
Hey take it easy on her, not all of us are well versed in the arts of rectal stimulation; y'all experts are making some of us feel dumb.
TXFernwoods 26
The prostate!! :D (I would know ;D)
foxwasalamb 24
...why?
TunaFireStarter 16
Because anatomy. That's why.
ihaveasushicat 24
My mother was a house keeper for a hospital and had to clean a room for a man with a banana stuck up his ass.
doctorhook86 25
#15: Wouldn't the banana just mush it's way out after a while? After all, it was probably already brown...
RedPillSucks 33
Not if you didn't peal it.
doctorhook86 25
#73: Then clench harder! That thing will liquify itself if you tenderize it enough.
ihaveasushicat 24
#56, I don't really know the details. I'm afraid to know. I'm sure she didn't want to know either. Maybe it was a frozen banana... Maybe it was a mushed banana. All I know it was trapped in the anal cavity of someone who apparently wanted to doink a fruit.
MRP360 14
I felt like OP was about to make a pun about the cake being carrot cake
Curtis66 19
that's not how carrots are eaten...
Auromo 14
they are eaten that way on south park
Kamon97 23
I think I have a feeling of who wrote this fml XD
tj4234 36
Just wondering, DocBastard, did you submit this FML?
MasonDude 16
I doubt it. He wouldn't submit this anonymously. It would be blog material!
DocBastard 40
Nope, wasn't me. Wish it was though.
tj4234 36
Ah, just wondered. It sounds like one of your stories.
doctorhook86 25
Apparently you're more experience with coke-bottle-bottomers than carrot-*******, amirite Doc?
Doberman101 29
Instead of just waiting to call back after you finished your shower, you decided to make carrot cake. Smart. FYL.