Love: Today, I was watching a movie alone with my girlfriend. She shifted... - FML

By Anonymous - 12/08/2012 09:23 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I was watching a movie alone with my girlfriend. She shifted positions as I put my arm around her, and ended up kneeing me in the crotch and shouldering me in the throat simultaneously. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 089

You deserved it 2 347

Leave us alone

People are people

Bad timing

By CyberHex305 - 01/04/2017 16:00

Today, I went to Men's Warehouse to pick up my tux. They mistakenly set the pick-up date for the 30th of next month. My prom is tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 028

You deserved it 475

Landlords are social parasites

By Anonymous - 30/08/2020 07:01 - United Kingdom

Today, in the middle of a pandemic, which has made it impossible for me to get a job for the last 4 months, my landlord has decided the one thing I need is a rental increase. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 735

You deserved it 176

By Anonymous - 14/11/2010 05:43 - United States

Today, I changed my phone number because my old one belonged to a prostitute. My new one belongs to a debtor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 174

You deserved it 3 005

That's gross, dude

By Anonymous - 31/10/2020 23:02

Spicy

Today, it's Saturday and a planned date night for my partner and me. He's not showered since Tuesday and was surprised that I requested that he to do so ahead of getting intimate. And he wonders why our sex life isn't better… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 175

You deserved it 162

By sleepwalker - 22/11/2009 01:33 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up in my roommate's bed. Apparently, the previous night I sleep-walked into her room, layed on her bed, and fell asleep. In the middle of her and her boyfriend having sex. He's now going around saying he slept with both of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 459

You deserved it 4 632

Snitched

By sixxie - 29/01/2010 05:10 - United States

Today, I went in to work and was handed a write-up for having lied about being sick in order to leave early yesterday. Apparently, a co-worker saw me leave the parking lot, then immediately pull into the shopping center next door. I was going to Walgreens for cold medicine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 989

You deserved it 2 291

Yeah, fuck the poor

By Anonymous - 13/11/2020 23:02 - Canada

Today, I discovered my deadbeat ex-husband will not have to pay child support anymore, because while he sat on CERB the entire pandemic, I was an essential worker, and will be punished for having had an actual income. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 032

You deserved it 113

By singingintherain - 01/07/2017 20:00

Spicy

Today, ever since my boyfriend has seen A Clockwork Orange, he always suggests that we have sex by asking, "How about a little of the good old in-out-in-out?" and refers to his genitals as, "Yarbles". He seriously doesn't understand why this turns me off every time and our sex life has sunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 845

You deserved it 678

By his word vs mine = me suspended - 10/08/2013 18:41 - United Kingdom - Stockport

Today, I was carrying a stack of paperwork at work, when my pen rolled off and onto the floor. As soon as I bent down to pick it up, a nearby co-worker, who's always hated me, accused me of putting on a show and sexually harassing him. He actually followed up by reporting me to HR. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 916

You deserved it 3 066

By Goldar - 10/04/2013 02:44 - United States

Today, thinking I was alone at work, I did an impression of Goldar from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers. I turned around to find out I wasn't alone; a cute girl was staring at me, unimpressed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 882

You deserved it 20 278

By chevysprint - 28/02/2010 05:36 - Canada

Today, I locked my keys in my car. I was late for work so I went to smash the side window with a big rock. The rock bounced off the window and into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 397

You deserved it 33 317

By lonelyashell - 02/03/2010 20:04 - United States

Today, I realized that over the course of this winter, there have been more snow days in Atlanta than days in which I have ever been on a date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 844

You deserved it 5 145

By Imslow - 05/04/2011 16:40 - United States

Today, I found out that our neighbors told almost everyone on our street that I was mentally handicapped. All this time I wasn't sure why they would speak slowly and loudly at me. Now they won't believe me when I tell them I'm a 4.0 GPA student. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 386

You deserved it 3 563

By Ouchmybum - 03/11/2018 12:00

Today, whilst out on a walk with the dogs, I decided to explore a different part of the woods. Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my bum. Then another. And another. I realised it was wasps and ran. I've been stung 11 times and have to go back tomorrow for the coat I dropped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 505

You deserved it 217

By Anonymous - 12/05/2011 21:45 - United States

Today, on the school bus, I rapped on a window in an attempt to get my friend's attention. A guy sitting behind me took this as an opportunity to shove my face into the window, breaking my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 831

You deserved it 5 324

By Thithien1 - 01/04/2009 06:07 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was on a crowded subway going home. My trousers were a bit dusty so I tried to dust myself off. As I was slapping the side of my leg I missed and hit a woman behind me in the ass. She called me a pervert and walked off. Everyone stared at me. It takes 40 minutes to get home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 750

You deserved it 12 614

By anonymous - 05/07/2013 06:11 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, while jogging, a guy tackled me and got my iPhone. Being a good runner, I caught up with him and grabbed him. Next thing I knew, I was on the ground with a policeman yelling in my ear. The guy got away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 625

You deserved it 3 378

By Anonymous - 22/06/2009 13:32 - Singapore

Today, my 9 year old nephew found his way onto my iTunes. I now have 401 songs titled "aidfj3P" by "ffjiel". FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 041

You deserved it 7 136

Showing

By Anonymous - 02/06/2021 14:01

Today, I recorded a 20-minute TED talk and told my students to watch it on the app in preparation for next terms projects. I got bombarded with messages from my students, telling me that because I was sat down on a chair while recording, certain camera angles could see straight up my skirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 713

You deserved it 515

By JennyAndrews - 05/12/2009 08:44 - United Arab Emirates

Today, I was texting this cute guy that I like. After a couple of minutes I get a missed call from him, I call back and his girlfriend answers and says "Hi this is his girlfriend, please stop calling him". FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 122

You deserved it 31 030

By shart - 09/03/2016 02:48 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had an accident at work. Not the kind involving worker's compensation. The kind involving desperately scrubbing my office chair with paper towels, before going home to change my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 473

You deserved it 2 261

By Robert - 28/12/2017 01:30

Today, my girlfriend's mother invited me to her 18th birthday. She lied about her age. I have been screwing a minor for 2 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 677

You deserved it 2 046

By NotSoAnon - 13/08/2011 15:31 - United States

Today, I was painting my room. I told my mom not to open the door because I was on a ladder just behind it, with a paint can perched atop. She barged in to ask me what I'd said. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 294

You deserved it 5 036

By Username - 10/07/2012 15:27 - United States

Today, I got mugged in broad daylight, in a park, by a teenage girl. To top it off, I'm a grown man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 134

You deserved it 9 355

By Username - 02/08/2011 17:35 - United States

Today, I decided to play with my dog. I sat on the ground and whistled for him to come to me. I smiled when I saw him running at my happily. He sniffed me, turned around, lifted his leg and peed on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 414

You deserved it 5 275

By Muffinhater - 24/12/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, I awoke at 5am to the smell of smoke and the sound of sirens. It seems the whole Santa Monica Fire Department had made it outside our apartment complex. We had to wake up every single person on our floor. What for? An old lady burned a muffin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 274

You deserved it 2 420

By Problem - 07/11/2010 20:34 - United States

Today, my manager informed me that I will not be completing my job training because I'll be transferring to a different store, and if they want me to work there, that's their problem. Today, I also found out that the new store will not accept me as a transfer unless I've already been trained. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 296

You deserved it 2 422

By Waffle - 09/03/2011 15:47

Today, a little boy called me on the phone, crying "grandma died" in a broken voice. I just didn't have the heart to say "wrong number." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 274

You deserved it 4 677

By gRRRrr - 01/04/2011 17:35 - United States

Today, I was dumped by my boyfriend. We're currently sharing a room on a cruise ship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 538

You deserved it 5 747

By Not Engaged - 06/03/2015 23:30 - United Kingdom - Stourbridge

Today, my long-term boyfriend said that if we ever finally get married, his ex-girlfriend will definitely have to be a bridesmaid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 433

You deserved it 3 080

By Anonymous - 31/08/2012 02:47 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I got rear-ended. An old woman got out and came over to my car window. I thought she was coming to apologize and trade insurance companies. Instead, she poured her soda on my head, ran back into her car, and drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 562

You deserved it 1 798

Overreaction much?

By brokenglass - 24/03/2021 21:30

Today, while bringing my grandmother some water, I tripped, dropping and shattering the glass. Infuriated, she explained to me that the glass was worth more than I am and ordered me out of her house for good. I live there. I was also with her when she bought the glass. $10 for a set of 4. FML

I agree, your life sucks 965

You deserved it 52

By irresponsible - 14/08/2010 20:41 - United States

Today, I missed my shift at work. I had asked my girlfriend, who works at the same store, to text me my schedule. She sent me the wrong hours for today. I got suspended, and she broke up with me for being too irresponsible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 914

You deserved it 8 843

By Noname - 18/01/2009 00:52 - Canada

Today, my house got egged and since it is the winter the eggs froze. They used two dozen eggs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 333

You deserved it 2 169

By Suzie Leone - 24/01/2012 03:21 - United States

Today, it's "family fun night." We're pulling weeds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 421

You deserved it 2 694

Xtina

By I must suck at singing - 18/02/2014 00:14 - United States

Today, my neighbor had a word with me for being "loud in the bedroom" last night. I haven't had any action for two years now, but I was too happy that she thought I'd got lucky to tell her the truth. So what was I really doing last night? Trying to sing like Christina Aguilera. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 422

You deserved it 7 059

Mr Selfish

By Anonymous - 20/04/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, it's the fifth time this week alone I've attempted to explain to my boyfriend that I need more than just two minutes of foreplay to get horny. He tells me he's too tired, but is apparently not too tired to receive head and then have sex afterwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 083

You deserved it 155

In the words of Shaggy...

By WasntMe - 28/05/2018 20:30

Today, my husband went through my phone and computer, accusing me of cheating. Baffled and hurt by the untrue accusation, I asked what he found that made him think that. He replied, "Nothing! Absolutely nothing!" Apparently, no evidence IS evidence. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 795

You deserved it 228

By Anonymous - 01/03/2010 01:53 - United States

Today, I was loading a very large box into my hatchback. I was really struggling, and a few people walked by and laughed. Then a car pulled up and waited for the spot. There isn't a spring to hold my trunk open, so it slammed onto my head. Twice. The car honked for me to hurry up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 665

You deserved it 2 431

Hi uncle, I'm dad

By Anonymous - 01/03/2021 00:30

Today, I found out I'm an uncle. Normally this would be great news, except I have spent the last 8 years thinking I was her father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 832

You deserved it 55

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Top comments

Dracoboxer357 35

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Sunday 12 August 2012 16:22

Well, did she kiss them better at least? ;P Double owned, sorry Op. :p

perdix 29

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Sunday 12 August 2012 16:32

It was no accident. She probably just read "Fifty Shades of Grey" and decided to jazz things up with that S&M shit.

Comments

Dracoboxer357 35

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Sunday 12 August 2012 16:22

Well, did she kiss them better at least? ;P Double owned, sorry Op. :p

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Sunday 12 August 2012 16:24

I think he deserves a little better than kissed at this point..

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Sunday 12 August 2012 16:28

Not necessarily immediately after it happens, good point though

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Sunday 12 August 2012 16:41

Noor I hurt all over!!

Dracoboxer357 35

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Sunday 12 August 2012 16:59

18- *Passes you the vacuum cleaner* Feel better soon! ;P

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Sunday 12 August 2012 19:39

I think OP will like when his gf kisses his other area of pain after his elbow.

sens3sfailing 24

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Sunday 12 August 2012 22:30

What? Nobody got their elbow hurt...it was his crotch and throat... Please read the FML before you comment.

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Monday 13 August 2012 9:44

Shit. For some reason I can't read properly when I'm tired

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Monday 13 August 2012 12:54

Nice one 5... Sucking on the painful spots would have been so much better than a just a kiss

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Monday 13 August 2012 16:47

^Thank you, because we're all so stupid that you feel the need to explain Noor's comment to us. Very helpful.

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Tuesday 14 August 2012 0:56

67, whats wrong with you?

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Sunday 12 August 2012 16:22

Well, you could have her kiss it better?

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Sunday 12 August 2012 18:36

So close...

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Wednesday 15 August 2012 18:50

Are you sure you didn't crotch her knee?;)

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Sunday 12 August 2012 16:28

2 hit combo? LAME. But since she did hit your throat, props to her mad aim.

missababgaga 19

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Sunday 12 August 2012 16:29

I can actually picture this happening! Hopefully it didn't happen really really hard! Sorry OP!

Drigr 9

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Sunday 12 August 2012 18:01

Being a male... I promise you, no matter how "gentle" you get elbowed in the nuts, it hurts like hell.

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Sunday 12 August 2012 21:35

Sorry to OP, but this kinda stuff happens a lot. Give her a little playful revenge, afterall she didn't mean to do it. A tickle, a bite, a smart remark, whatever your style is

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Sunday 12 August 2012 16:30

Now you know that you don't have to worry about children.

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Sunday 12 August 2012 23:54

I'm sure a knee to the balls didn't shatter his testicles making him unable to reproduce. Every guy has probably experienced a blow to the balls that left him on the ground withering in pain for 5 minutes.

perdix 29

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Sunday 12 August 2012 16:32

It was no accident. She probably just read "Fifty Shades of Grey" and decided to jazz things up with that S&M shit.

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Sunday 12 August 2012 16:35

S&M :D Just remember Perdix you're the one who asked ;)

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Sunday 12 August 2012 20:51

Better think of a safe word!

JoeRogansBEARD 15

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Sunday 12 August 2012 21:45

Oklahoma is the safe word

btstig 11

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Sunday 12 August 2012 16:33

After the show she was awarded knock out of the night!

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Sunday 12 August 2012 16:36

Aw. If I was OP's girlfriend, I'd be apologizing a lot and offering to kiss it better.

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Sunday 12 August 2012 16:37

C-C-COMBOBREAKER!

cheekyterier 13

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Sunday 12 August 2012 16:38

ask her to kiss it better.

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13

You deserved it 7

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 203

You deserved it 119

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 455

You deserved it 52