Animals: Today, my dog threw up on the tiled floor. I found out at 6 this... - FML

By simple living - United States - Austin

Today, my dog threw up on the tiled floor. I found out at 6 this morning in the dark when I slipped and fell in it. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Values

Storage wars

By lizzard0416 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was going to give my baby daughter an empty Pringles tin to play with on the floor. I saw some crumbs at the bottom, so I emptied the can in my mouth before I gave it to her. I crunched hard and spat them out, realizing my boyfriend had just cut his toenails into the can. FML

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By Anonymous - Cyprus - Paphos

Today, a new employee started at our office. She's about 18, barely does any work, chews gum loudly, has no manners, and happens to sit right next to me. She also threatens to report me for harassment whenever I politely ask her to not bash my chair with the back of her chair. FML

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By The_Waffle - United States - Cleveland

Today, my dog ran away. Luckily my neighbors caught him before he got too far. Now they won't give him back because they think I did something to him to make him want to run away. FML

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By murphy - United States

Today, though I'm normally unperturbed by my single-ness, I walked by some squirrels engaged in mating rituals and felt a pang of jealousy. FML

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By Jbheller - United States - Mountain Top

Today, after resigning from my current job, I was let go from the new job I hadn't even started yet. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, walking by myself, I was caught up in a group of people that got arrested, and we all got fined for creating a public disturbance. When I explained I wasn't with them, the group backed me up. The police thought I was the ringleader, and now I have to go to court. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Felsberg

Today, I heard my boyfriend telling a female friend that his ex was so gorgeous and out of his league that it made him feel inadequate, and so he now only dates within reach. She told him he's hot enough to have anyone he wants. 30 seconds later they were tongue-deep in each other's throat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend named my penis "little baby carrot." FML

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By mylifeblows - United States

Today, I found out my husband put a parental block on the TV so I couldn't rent a movie. I'm 42. FML

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By Ineedit - United States

Not now!

Today, my husband and I were going to have sex for the first time since having our baby, who was taking a nap. As soon as we lay down in bed, his mother rang saying she was five minutes away. FML

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By nzkristy - New Zealand

Today, I got sent home from work for appearing stoned/under the influence of drugs. I suffer from severe hay fever, which no antihistamine has fixed yet, hence the red and glassy eyes. FML

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By chunkymonkey - United States

Today, my boyfriend actually held onto my love handles while we were having sex. He said they "made it easier." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was ringing an old man up in the local grocery store when I had realized all he was buying was 3 bottles of vodka and a box of condoms. While I was loading the bags into his cart he laid his hand on my shoulder and told me "I'd take you home with me but chances are I would be arrested". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I put my 4 year old daughter in the car seat, she dropped her crayon. She then paused and matter-of-factly said, "Mommy, I don't say 'f***' anymore when I drop things." FML

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By gumchuck - United States - Marshall

Today, in an effort to avoid my school's strict no-gum policy as my teacher made a b-line to me, I swallowed it. By the time the teacher reached me, the gum was on my desk, as well as my breakfast, thanks to my overactive gag reflex. FML

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By lavenderpiss - Australia - North Adelaide

Today, I used my vaporiser to make my house smell like lavender while I went to work. My brother thought it would be funny to pee inside it. My whole house now smells like pissy lavender. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2020 13:58

Good news

Today, I had a bit of good news with a letter that stated we were owed money by overpaying Council Tax. I phoned them, announcing myself. However, it turns out we actually owe THEM money, due to an error they made giving me and my husband a discount we weren't entitled to. FML

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By Dat Stanky Mouf - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why chewing "shit-tons of gum" is not an actual alternative to brushing his teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 20:02

Welcome back!

Today, it's the last day of my three-week vacation, during which I couldn't go anywhere due to COVID and lockdown. I just learned that some of my colleagues are infected and I will have to fill in for two department superintendents at the same time when I go back to work tomorrow. FML

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By ai_lauren - United States - Bayonne

Today, I got 3 different rejection letters mailed to me from the same college. FML

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By killme.jpeg - Netherlands - Wassenaar

Today, I scored the number of a cute girl. I gave her mine as well, just before leaving the bar. As I waved her goodbye, I attempted to do a cheesy "call me" gesture with my thumb and pinky finger, and winked. For a reason unknown to me, I ended up flipping her off. I still winked though. FML

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By rise - 8/5/2021 10:59

Painful

Today, I had a massive, pounding headache. I asked my mom for some painkillers and she said, "No. You don’t deserve pain relief. Ever. For anything." What? FML

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By Stoodup

Today I spent an hour getting ready for my first date of the year, only to wait 30 min in the cold and then walking back home by myself. Why didn’t he show up? On his way to the date he got invited for a threesome and decided to do that instead. FML

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By Anonymity - Canada

Today, my mother was vaccuming the stairs. Trying to be polite, I climbed over the banister to the floor above, so I wouldn't interrupt her. She looked at me odd and said, "I'm surprised that held your weight." The banister is maple and steel. FML

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By pissed_off_girl - United States - Falls Church

Today, I had to proof-read a terrible paper containing a bunch of mistakes. It took me 4 hours and I didn't eat dinner until I was done. His response when he got it back was, "What the fuck did you do to my paper?! You bitch!" FML

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By What? - Australia

Today, I found out my ten year old brother and his best friend have taught our new parrot to say, "Shut up, bitch." We have a bunch of our extended family coming over tomorrow to see what the parrot can say. FML

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By aces10 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about my younger brother getting his girlfriend pregnant. She asked me how old I was when I first had sex. I'm a 21 year old virgin. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Eastleigh

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend about the importance of foreplay, and that attempting to get me "in the mood" by whipping his cock out and air humping was roughly equivalent to throwing a dry teabag at me and claiming he made a cup of tea. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2020 17:09

I'm lovin' it

Today, as usual, I worked at McDonald's. Although I tried to diffuse the situation, an old man was absolutely furious, and punched me in the face over BBQ sauce. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, my dad called my cell. He ended the phone call with, "and tell your boyfriend to shut up, I can hear him moaning." FML

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By fucked by sex ed - United States - Manchester

Today, my 19-year-old son told me his girlfriend is pregnant, and was diagnosed with an STD. He's sure that he's the father. He's also sure he doesn't have an STD, because he's a virgin. I had to give him the sex talk that his school never did, as well as explain to him that his girlfriend is a cheater. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fresno

Today, I got a badly-needed job at a local discount store. After being hired, I found out I'm to help with the soon-to-begin store closing sale, and I'll be jobless again after 3 months. FML

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By Anonymous

Whoops

Today, while leaving a job site, I put a bundle of pipe on my boss's van, picked up a few tools, and left for the day. He called screaming 30 minutes later to inform me that I didn't strap the pipe to the rack. It slid off the van and hit the car in front of him. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Danbury

Today, my son sprayed Axe body-spray all over the house in the vain hope of covering up the scent of the joints he'd been smoking. FML

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By Desperate_measures - Greece

Today, I got a text from my crush. In my clumsy attempt to quickly grab the phone, I knocked it off the kitchen counter and cracked the screen. After driving to my friends house so I could put my sim card in her phone, I saw that the text said "who's this? stop texting me." FML

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By riya

Today, I had the worst day of my life. I'd studied science for the whole damn night, only to realize the next morning that it's a math exam. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Dingdong

Today, I was walking out of a Starbucks and saw someone walking out behind me. Thinking it would be the nice thing to do, I held the door open. I was holding the door for about 30 seconds before realizing I was holding the door for my own shadow. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/1/2021 11:01

Odd one out

Today, I went to the mall with two friends. A modelling scout approached us and asked both of my friends if they were interested in modelling. When the scout finally noticed me, she asked if I was their mom. We're all the same age. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I swerved to miss hitting a kitten, over-corrected, hit and killed the cat, and totaled my truck by hitting a parked car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent all day handing out flyers advertising my services as a psychic. I got only one call. The caller wanted to inform me that I had misspelt the word "psychic" on my flyer. She was right. FML

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Top comments

By cutycat136 | 28

#6276898 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:52

From having many pets and going through the same type of experiences, I'm sorry op. Hope your dog is alright and doesn't do it again anytime soon.

By 91hayek | 31

#6276934 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 12:37

IT'S A SPEW-TIFUL MORNING! Sorry man, hope the dogs okay. I'd rather slip in spew than shit to be honest. Little mercies.

COMMENTS

By Trin_Tran | 26

#6276897 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:52

I hope you and your dog are both okay.

Reply

Rainbow2Cloud | 12

#6276993 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 14:05

Why is this thumbed down?

Reply

Rainbow2Cloud | 12

#6276995 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 14:06

Almost every comment on here is thumbed down. Lol

Reply

EclipseCandy6 | 24

#6276999 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 14:12

I'm wondering the same thing

By cutycat136 | 28

#6276898 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:52

From having many pets and going through the same type of experiences, I'm sorry op. Hope your dog is alright and doesn't do it again anytime soon.

Reply

RainTears | 15

#6276955 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 13:20

Star Wars The Canine Wars 2: Dogs Strike Back

By hippodankamus | 22

#6276899 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:52

Life is ruff. Sorry OP.

By Fymlife | 14

#6276902 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:53

Must have been a SLIPPERY situation! Ha! No, anyone, ok...

Reply

EvilTurtle | 35

#6277014 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 14:44

No.

By abNormal62 | 23

#6276903 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:53

I hope you apologized to him for that, he was saving it for later

By KitchKraft | 21

#6276904 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:54

I hope you had a nice trip op. See you next fall.

Reply

erizonkim | 17

#6276927 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 12:28

umm no just no

Reply

UnluckyLatina | 22

#6277017 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 14:50

Yes

Reply

KitchKraft | 21

#6277201 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 19:28

Really? Nothing? Dang, at least I tried.

By kakabloom | 9

#6276905 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:54

Woah man. Are you okay? I hope you took a shower and felt better after. Did your dog eat something funny? You should take your dog to the vet if he/she throws up again.
Anyways, I hope your day was/is going to be balanced out with something good happening!

Reply

lolhailsatan | 23

#6277395 - Thursday 30 April 2015 0:27

This is literally the nicest comment ever and it's getting thumbed down, the fuck is wrong with yall

By Cads1 | 24

#6276906 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:56

How nice, your dog left you a present.

By cappellaaa | 23

#6276907 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:56

Poor puppy! But, that sucks so bad, I'd probably cry. Hope all is well!!

By hedgedcats | 19

#6276908 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:56

The only time you would want your dog to eat their vomit :/ FML OP!