Animals: Today, my dog threw up on the tiled floor. I found out at 6 this... - FML

By simple living - United States - Austin

Today, my dog threw up on the tiled floor. I found out at 6 this morning in the dark when I slipped and fell in it. FML

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Walk on the wild side

Mixed signals

Deadbeat

By tazthespaz - United States - Comstock Park

Today, a telemarketer called my house phone and asked for my grandpa. We were having his wake. FML

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By derve - United States

Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes for a moment and said, "You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street." FML

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By Rakoric

Today, my wife and I went kayaking for the first time in the ocean. She got seasick and just before she threw up, leaned over the side and tipped the kayak over. FML

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By kharrington - United States

Today, a woman called my work and accused me of having an affair with her husband, my coworker, demanding that my boss discipline me. I don't know her, I barely know her husband, and I haven't had sex in months. FML

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By howtobesingle - Norway - Oslo

Today, I listened to my best friend complain, again, about the two guys she's seeing, and how she doesn't know which one to choose, because they're both perfect. Meanwhile, I'm cleaning up my dog's loose stools, haven't had a date in over three years and I'm also sharing a room with the very same best friend. FML

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By seriouslysinglenomingle - United States - Crystal Lake

Today, I realized that I can recognize each member of my disgusting family by the sound and smell of their farts. I can’t wait to move out. FML

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By qwertyasdfghzxcv - Canada

Today, I took my dog to the vet and she was diagnosed with obesity. The vet then told me that dogs usually imitate their owners eating and behavior habits. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Savage

Today, I finally got to conduct my first questioning of a suspect, who had been arrested in connection with a car theft. As I recited the Miranda warning to him, my mind went totally blank, and after a few seconds, he sarcastically continued the speech for me. FML

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By AnnoyedandAutistic

Today, my boyfriend and I were eating breakfast at my strict Christian grandparent's house when he said that it was impossible for anyone bigger than a grapefruit to be swallowed by a whale. My grandmother asked him, "What about Jonah?" to which he replied "Oh, that's just a myth." FML

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By FuckedByLife - United Kingdom - Bridgend

Today, I discovered that my boyfriend of two years was cheating on me. How? His other girlfriend crashed her car into mine and had him pick her up. FML

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By dinosawerr - United States

Today, I was riding my bike with my parents. They make me wear a helmet when I'm with them. Some college age kids drove past and yelled, "Nice helmet!" My mother then told me, "They like you!" I'm sixteen and my helmet is blue. With flowers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Riverside

Today, I got a text from a guy I hooked up with. I'm not really interested in him, so I rushed out of his house last night. He was letting me know I left my wallet at his house, and if I want it, I'll have to let him take me to dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, when I woke up I checked my phone for messages, only to hear a woman screaming that I have been sleeping with her husband and that she is sending her 'people' after me. I have never met said husband. I panicked for hours only to receive a call telling me she had dialed the wrong number. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while walking my dog, we came across two men having a heated argument in the street. My dog decided the perfect place to poop was right next to them. He wouldn't budge no matter what. Meanwhile, one of the men pulled a knife, and I practically shat myself. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was at my job as a dental assistant and I was told to take an X-ray of a woman's teeth. As soon as I put the foam piece into her mouth, she projectile-vomited all over me and the floor. I had just started my 5-hour shift. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2020 20:01

Big lad

Today, I admit I’m a bit of a big lad, but I never knew how big until I was desperate for a shit so I sat on, and broke, a toilet, flooding the bathroom, at my girlfriend's parents house, the very first time I met them. FML

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By thisiswhyimsingle - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I decided to to gather up the courage to ask the cute boy in my math class for his number. He gave it to me, and I texted him later that night. But little did I know he actually gave me the number of the creep in class who is always grabbing my ass. I ended up asking the creep out. FML

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By oddbrien - United States - Baltimore

Today, while at the club, I started dancing with a girl who I had noticed throughout the night. When she turned around she firmly stated, "I'd much rather dance by myself". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was changing my shirt in the bathroom when I dropped it. It fell on my foot, so I decided to flip it up with my foot instead of bending down to get it. I flipped it, and it landed in the toilet. Which somebody had not flushed. FML

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By Uh-SLEEP - 11/12/2020 03:01 - United States - Litchfield Park

Masterchef

Today, our stove broke. Now, we have to cook using a toaster oven. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I left a note on the kitchen table saying to leave the door unlocked because I lost my key. I come home to find our house ransacked and robbed. Minutes later, I found my key. In my pocket. FML

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By placard3

Cruel Summer

Today, I went to the hospital to get a cast that I have been wearing for the past three months removed from my wrist. Thanks to said cast, I couldn't have any summer fun at all. The doctor took a final X-ray and said, "Well look at that, your wrist wasn't fractured to begin with." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at my wedding, when my husband heard "you may now kiss the bride" he swung me down romantically and was about to plant one on me when his arm slipped, causing me to fall on the floor hitting my head, and getting a concussion. FML

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By - France

Today, I am spending new year absolutely alone. My girlfriend canceled our plans the day before so she could spend it with alcohol and strangers. Somehow, I still love her. FML

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By kimboslice106 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend to spend the night at my house because my dad would be working out of town, and once the rest of the house left I thought it'd be sweet if he snuck in my room and slept with me. His reply was "Why bother? You're on your period, it's not like we can do anything." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate showed me that her pepper spray had expired, so I decided to test it on myself. It worked. FML

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By Bacon0426 - United States - Skaneateles

Today, in honor of America's birthday, my 50-year-old father decided to light off homemade bombs without telling anyone. The screams of me and my family members were louder than the bombs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to power through work on a construction site after a couple of sick days. I can't do anything without constantly sucking on cough drops. And it turns out that excessive consumption of cough drops can have a laxative effect. FML

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By lily - 25/6/2020 05:04

Overbearing much?!

Today, while on a road trip, we stopped and went to the bathroom. I didn’t need to go, but my parents told me to "try anyway." I’m 24. FML

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By Sarah-D

Today, a policeman pulled me over and proceeded to flirt with me. After I had rejected him, he gave me a ticket for "not paying attention to the road". FML

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By dude, where's my balls? :( - United States - Anchorage

Today, my mom and I went to Best Buy for some Christmas shopping. She picked up some presents for me and told me not to look at what she was buying. When we got to the register, she didn't have enough money, and I ended up having to buy my own presents. FML

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By HappilyNeverAfter - Canada - Port Perry

Today, a guy asked me out, and I felt butterflies in my stomach. I soon realized that it wasn't butterflies, but an unexpected bowel movement. I stood there awkwardly, looking him in the eyes, then farted hard. FML

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By Stuck - United States - Evans

Today, my house is on lockdown. I recently moved to Georgia from Rhode Island to be with my boyfriend. The state is on high alert for an ice storm. I'm stuck inside with my terrified boyfriend, who's calling it "the storm of the century". I used to walk to school in this weather. FML

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By meow

Today, I found out my boss hired literally the only person in this town who is an ex-boyfriend. I also work with my current boyfriend. FML

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By 00anon00 - 2/7/2020 02:01

Animalistic

Today, I was fired from my local animal shelter. I was a volunteer and am currently in school for veterinary technology. My education made the paid staff at the shelter feel threatened. FML

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By Frenchgirl - United States

Today, it was my first day at school in the United States. Being from France, my French accent is really strong. After being made fun of all day, I met someone from Montreal. I was so excited and said, "Parlez-vous Français?" And his response? "HUH?!" FML

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By Depressed - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that we should take a break from our relationship, because it'd be best for the both of us. Later, I found out that she really meant it'd be best for her and her new boyfriend. FML

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By tiptoesjohnson

Today, I attempted to cheat on a test by writing some notes on my hand. During the test I had a question. I raised my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lebanon

Today, I found out that I am allergic to one of the preservatives that they put in aloe. I found this out after I put some on a severe sunburn I have. Not only am I sunburned, but now I am severely itchy as well. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a frat band party dancing with my girl when I felt some liquid on my arm. Normally, I'll lick spilled drinks off my arms and being slightly intoxicated, I did. Then I realized it was chunky. The girl dancing next to us had puked everywhere and I licked her vomit off my arm. FML

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Top comments

By cutycat136 | 28

#6276898 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:52

From having many pets and going through the same type of experiences, I'm sorry op. Hope your dog is alright and doesn't do it again anytime soon.

By 91hayek | 31

#6276934 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 12:37

IT'S A SPEW-TIFUL MORNING! Sorry man, hope the dogs okay. I'd rather slip in spew than shit to be honest. Little mercies.

COMMENTS

By Trin_Tran | 26

#6276897 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:52

I hope you and your dog are both okay.

Reply

Rainbow2Cloud | 12

#6276993 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 14:05

Why is this thumbed down?

Reply

Rainbow2Cloud | 12

#6276995 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 14:06

Almost every comment on here is thumbed down. Lol

Reply

EclipseCandy6 | 24

#6276999 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 14:12

I'm wondering the same thing

By cutycat136 | 28

#6276898 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:52

From having many pets and going through the same type of experiences, I'm sorry op. Hope your dog is alright and doesn't do it again anytime soon.

Reply

RainTears | 15

#6276955 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 13:20

Star Wars The Canine Wars 2: Dogs Strike Back

By hippodankamus | 22

#6276899 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:52

Life is ruff. Sorry OP.

By Fymlife | 14

#6276902 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:53

Must have been a SLIPPERY situation! Ha! No, anyone, ok...

Reply

EvilTurtle | 35

#6277014 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 14:44

No.

By abNormal62 | 23

#6276903 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:53

I hope you apologized to him for that, he was saving it for later

By KitchKraft | 21

#6276904 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:54

I hope you had a nice trip op. See you next fall.

Reply

erizonkim | 17

#6276927 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 12:28

umm no just no

Reply

UnluckyLatina | 22

#6277017 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 14:50

Yes

Reply

KitchKraft | 21

#6277201 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 19:28

Really? Nothing? Dang, at least I tried.

By kakabloom | 9

#6276905 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:54

Woah man. Are you okay? I hope you took a shower and felt better after. Did your dog eat something funny? You should take your dog to the vet if he/she throws up again.
Anyways, I hope your day was/is going to be balanced out with something good happening!

Reply

lolhailsatan | 23

#6277395 - Thursday 30 April 2015 0:27

This is literally the nicest comment ever and it's getting thumbed down, the fuck is wrong with yall

By Cads1 | 24

#6276906 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:56

How nice, your dog left you a present.

By cappellaaa | 23

#6276907 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:56

Poor puppy! But, that sucks so bad, I'd probably cry. Hope all is well!!

By hedgedcats | 19

#6276908 - Wednesday 29 April 2015 11:56

The only time you would want your dog to eat their vomit :/ FML OP!