By ER1C - Canada

Whoops

Today, as I was walking my dog around the block, I fell in the splits position on wet dirt and ripped my pants right on the front. I then had to walk home casually holding a chihuahua on my crotch hoping I would not run into anyone. FML

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Triage

Gas giant

Workaholic

By Rush Snake - France

Today, I tried to play with my Wii using the TV remote. FML

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By GROSS - Bangladesh

Today, I watched in horror from the doorway as my brother furiously scratched at his greasy hair and ate the large flakes of dead skin that came loose from his scalp. I think our real dad might be caged in a zoo somewhere. FML

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By Stellarum - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I listened to a little girl explain how her scabs taste great with lemon juice. FML

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By riappp - United States

Today, I farted in my cubicle thinking no one would smell it. Two seconds later, everyone came to my cubicle to wish me a happy birthday. FML

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By UFVKNP

Today, my coworker and I were swamped with coffee orders. I told him I would "take care of the blacks", and a customer who only heard that sentence screamed at me for several minutes about racism. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got promoted to a management position. After work, I went for a drink with my co-manager and a few of our colleagues, where they discussed their plans to take Ecstasy before/during our work Christmas party. Wonderful. FML

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By Anonymous

Baby, You Can Drive My Car

Today, I had a bad and very unenthusiastic one night stand and tried to quietly order an Uber while she was getting dressed. Turns out, she's an Uber driver and being as she was in the area, the alert came over her phone. She was furious. FML

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By Krash The Koopa - 2/12/2020 11:58 - United States - Litchfield Park

Convoluted storyline

Today, I discovered that the actress who played a girl I have a crush on faked her résumé. Not only that, but she wasn’t even interested in acting, she just wanted a job. And boom, she also voted for Trump. And I STILL have a crush on her character. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was fired from my job. Why? Because my boss has been dating my newly divorced mother, and he didn't want family get-togethers to be "awkward." FML

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By Zoe123 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his house having sex. After about 30 minutes, his mom came home and was knocking on the door asking "What are you doing?" Thinking I might have a chance to sneak out, I got dressed real quiet. Then my boyfriend answers, "Zoe. I'm doing Zoe." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Acton

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. Yesterday, I finally came to my senses and started using birth control. FML

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By Vampprobs - United States - Skandia

Today, my neighbor called the police for the seventh time because he's convinced I'm a vampire. He's also gotten in the habit of leaving garlic cloves in my yard. My parents come next week. FML

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By notoneatall - Canada - Oakville

Today, I got called a cunt at work by a customer. What could I have said that could have caused them to say that? "Have a great day." FML

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By sharkgirl4 - United States - Rialto

Today, I was trying to fix a broken desk fan. I'd taken the guard off and was trying to unscrew the blades, when my roommate decided it'd be funny to plug it in. The blades sliced into my thumb. I need stitches, and he still thinks it's hilarious. FML

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By just me - Germany - Overath

Today, I argued heavily with my dad over being dragged to a family game of lacrosse. All through the game, he kept "accidentally" hurling the ball straight at me on the sideline. After he eventually nailed me straight in the heart, he screamed at me to "get out of the fucking way". FML

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By anonymous - France

Today, I was in bed, thinking about my crush and playing with myself, when I remembered the complicated spreadsheet my boss asked me to make tomorrow. That got me more excited than the thought of my crush. FML

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By levi69 - United States

Today, after fifth block, I decided to go for a little walk. Apparently so did my boyfriend and best friend. I found them together under the stairs with her head in his crotch. She said she was looking for her contacts. His pants were pulled down. FML

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By Miguel Ezpeleta - 29/5/2020 05:00

Never get involved

Today, I was working for my cousin. However, two weeks ago I found out my cousin's wife was cheating on him, through lying to her best friend. I told him, and he later told her. They've apparently made up, because I got fired. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2020 05:00

Extreme drying

Today, I was drying my duvet and pillows in the dryer. Apparently, one of the pillows was memory foam, which I was not aware of. It caught on fire due to the heat and nearly burned down my laundry room. FML

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By Holly - United States

Today, I lied to the treadmill about my weight. FML

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By caitplaysguitar - United States

Today, I watched my boyfriend pick all the dead skin off of his feet. And then fling it at me. FML

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By Notre_Dame_714 - United States

Today, I went to the gun range for a birthday and got shot in the foot by my mom. FML

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By screwed - United States

Today, I finally figured out why I've been getting diarrhea so often over the past six months. It only happens whenever I do something "sneaky". My body reacts strongly to how I stress over potentially getting caught. I'm a private investigator, and I apparently need a new career. FML

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By TahRah - United States

Today, I went to get a sports physical at a hospital. My nurse was morbidly obese and unattractive. She told me she would go through the tests listed on the sheet. She did everything, including feeling my genitalia. When it was done, I read over the sheet. Genitalia wasn't a test listed. FML

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By TwinDad - United States

Today, one of my three-year-old twin daughters asked, "Dad, can we get a cat?" I replied in a gentle dad voice, "No, honey, dad is allergic to cats. That means they make him sneeze and sniffle. So we can't get a cat. Sorry." After a slight pause, the other asked, "When you die can we get a cat?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got fired from work. Why? I finally took a stand for myself and confronted my co-worker of writing things up in my name for herself, and it getting deducted from my check. So she goes to the manager and accuses me of sexual harassment. Everyone applauded. FML

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By Cantgetno - United States

Today, I realized my tampon goes deeper than my boyfriend. FML

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By hellokitty133 - United States

Today, the boys who sit at my math table decided it would be funny to throw broken pencils at my boobs to see if they were real. They did this the entire class period. I have to work with this group for the rest of the school year. FML

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By parker1993 - United States

Today, while waiting for a job interview, a woman sat down next to me and asked if I was here for the job too. Thinking she was also an applicant, I tried to demoralise her, and said the job was going to be a complete joke. With that, she stood up and said, "Do you still want to go into my office?" She was the interviewer. FML

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By figcurzyez - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, the checkout guy at my local store asked me if I had my hair cut. I answered and started talking about my hair, and he gave me a really weird look. He was talking to his friend, who I hadn't noticed in the queue behind me. FML

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By Courts - Australia - Adelaide

Evil

Today, I had a shift as a carer in a high-rise disability home, and working with a lady whom was once a midwife. She had a toy baby, and was rocking it. When I asked her what she was going to do what the baby so she could come to lunch, she casually threw the baby off the balcony and shrugged. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to run an errand while my parents helped unpack boxes in my new house. When I returned, my dad said to me, "I wasn't going to say anything, but we 'did it.' I'll let you figure out which room". FML

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By jjoker - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I went to the toilet to do a number 2. As I went to wipe, the toilet paper slipped out of my hand and I before my brain could register, I wiped my ass with my bare hand.. I also had curry the night before, so yeah. FML

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By ViviMage

Today, I was nearly T-Boned at a stop sign by my ex-roommate. I moved 10 miles away to get away from her after her midlife crisis, and her losing the house, and now avoid her end of town. She now works outside my apartment. FML

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By SaMike - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend to the movies. She's pretty conservative and I decided after four dates to give her her first ever kiss. As I leaned in she violently sneezed and hit me in the nose with the hand she brought up to cover her face. I broke my nose and got blood down her cleavage. FML

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By diplomaless - United States

Today, I found out the high school I have been doing at home for the past 3 years isn't accredited and doesn't count for anything. I'm 18 and starting high school as a freshman next year. FML

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By Anon - United States - Maidens

Today, after getting home from finals and finishing the semester, I had a very heartfelt reunion with my dog during which he licked me all over the face. About an hour later, my dad told me, "By the way, don't let him lick you, he has hookworms." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to get a haircut. The hairdresser at the counter was kind of cute, so I had to say something non-standard. When she greeted me with her hello, I replied "Guess what I need from you today?" She looked at me, considered, and replied "An eyebrow wax?" FML

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By noname - United States

Today, I went on Facebook to find that my little brother had messed with my profile. He wrote on my status that I'm a piece of shit, I have no life, and several other nasty and perverted things. Underneath, it said 26 of my friends liked this. I'm new to Facebook. So far I have 26 friends. FML

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By Anon - Canada - Calgary

Birthday Bitch

Today, I received an angry phone call from a friend whose birthday party I missed last night. Yesterday, I gave birth to my son. She claims that I ruined her party and demands I still bring her a birthday gift. FML

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Top comments

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#6607534 - Monday 16 May 2016 23:40

"What... What do you need?"

"... A tailor... BECAUSE I RIPPED MY PANTS
AGAIN!"

By ellisp1 | 15

#6607524 - Monday 16 May 2016 23:37

What a dog-gone shame.

COMMENTS

By ellisp1 | 15

#6607524 - Monday 16 May 2016 23:37

What a dog-gone shame.

By silent_shark | 10

#6607529 - Monday 16 May 2016 23:38

well. That will look weird either way. just get home asap

By holly_fly | 34

#6607532 - Monday 16 May 2016 23:38

I read one just like this in the "Nearly FMLs" section yesterday... Only their pants ripped in the back XD

Reply

Izabushel | 65

#6607793 - Tuesday 17 May 2016 6:01

It's from the same guy. I'm glad it got through. Apparently it just needed to be reworded.

By ScratchCatPower | 32

#6607534 - Monday 16 May 2016 23:40

"What... What do you need?"

"... A tailor... BECAUSE I RIPPED MY PANTS
AGAIN!"

By thisguy22 | 33

#6607547 - Monday 16 May 2016 23:45

Psht... Just owned it Eric. Let it flap in the breeze.

By kowsee | 22

#6607551 - Monday 16 May 2016 23:46

That poor chihuahua LoL

By PackardBell_fml | 19

#6607554 - Monday 16 May 2016 23:47

At least you didn't run into anyone. Sorry, op.

By emeraldarcher74 | 30

#6607561 - Tuesday 17 May 2016 0:02

Pretty sure the Chihuahua enjoyed that.

By rhiley | 26

#6607565 - Tuesday 17 May 2016 0:06

did you run into anyone tho

By FrozenMusic | 26

#6607587 - Tuesday 17 May 2016 0:28

How...

Reply

Diarrhea_Volcano | 29

#6607611 - Tuesday 17 May 2016 1:00

Did you not read the FML? He described the whole thing.